For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed..............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow...................................................+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners.................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................+10
It's her cat..................................................-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a work colleague.........-2
Named Tiffany.................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-10
With breast implants..........................................-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday..................................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a pub.................+1
Okay, it is a pub.............................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3
It's a pub, and it's all-you-can-eat night....................-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate................................................ 0
The mate is happily married...................................+1
The mate is single............................................-7
Not for long - it's his Stag Night..........................-10
He has a liking for Kings Cross establishments................-50
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6
You take her to a movie you like..............................-2
It's called Death Cop III.....................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.........-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable beer gut..............................-15
You develop a noticeable beer gut & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts ....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."................-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..........................................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your arse"......................-100
Any other response...........................................-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.......+50
You're mind wanders to the cricket and you suddenly hear her saying
"well, what do you think I should do?"................-100
You have fallen asleep..................-200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......
You talk.....................................................-100
You don't talk...............................................-150
You spend time with her......................................-200
You don't spend time with her................................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself................GAME OVER -YOU
LOSE!!!
WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as free nation of blokes and sheilas. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many States, descriptions of which follow:
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival
of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where
else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen).
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent
the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while bloody Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
4 Things Men Think Makes A Good Marriage !!!
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Dear Employees,
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late? INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way.
TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be f*cking shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: That f*cking shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his f*cking ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: F*ck you.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck that.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, this job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: F*ck off.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a arrogant f*ck wit.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f*cking ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't
know what the f*ck you're doing.
Thank You, Human Resources
Thanx Raven
A Queenslander was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a truck stop on the Pacific Hwy when a New South Welshman, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Queenslander politely ignored the New South Welshman, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The New South Welshman snapped his gum and said, "You Queenslanders eat the whole bread?"
The Queenslander frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Yeah what about it?"
The New South Welshman blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In New South Wales, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Queenslanders." The New South Welshman had a smirk on his face.
The Queenslander listened in silence. The New South Welshman persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Queenslander replied, "Yeah why."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the New South Welshman said, "We don't. In New South Wales, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Queenslanders."
The Queenslander then asked, "Do you have sex in New South Wales?"
The New South Welshman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Queenslander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Queenslanders turn to smile. "We don't. In Queensland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the New South Welshmen."
(Thanx Dee...I think...)
This is classic - a true story, proving how fascinating is the mind of a six year old, and how they think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went
up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me
sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: " And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly: "I think
the man would have said:
"Well, fuck me ! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Thanx Dee
A Guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The
gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed
a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the
top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his
free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A beautiful blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Thanx Dee
#1 - Macho man meets his match ....
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll
be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."
#2 - Till death do us part ...
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
#3 - Joined at the tooth ...
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
#4 - Revenge with numbers ...
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home my little mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back,
"Anytime you're ready, father of four!"
#5 - Second opinion ...
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at breakfast table. He gets
up in a rage and says, "And you are not good in bed either" and storms
out of the house.
A couple of hours later he decides to make amends and in between patient appointments he calls her. After many rings, she answers the phone. Irritated for having to wait, the husband says, "So why'd it take you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"What are you doing in bed this late in the day?" he demands.
She responds sweetly, "Getting a second opinion."
Thanx Dee
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT?
What did he say?
What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
Thanx Dee
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
Thanx Dee
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter which is filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do:
First, you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You'd have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and then get crazier from there."
Bartender: "Your call ... but your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, and he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"NOW," he says, "where's that damn woman with the sore tooth?"
Thanx Dee
Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during their lunch break.
Kathy asks, "So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?"
Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that shit in our garden!"
Thanx Dee
A FELLOW entered a barber shop for a shave. As the barber lathered him up the man complained, "I never seem to be able to get a close enough shave in the cheek area."
"I have just the thing," the barber said, and produced a small wooden ball from the drawer. "Place this between your cheek and gum while I shave you."
The fellow did so and got the closest shave he'd ever had.
"Wow!" he said. "That ball is great! But what if I accidentally swallow it?"
"No problem," replied the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does!"
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream.
The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man.
"Definitely," the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the piano players' sleeve. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
Thanx Dee
A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.
As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunchtime and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus. What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never
seen one being reloaded!!
The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"
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of Naughty Funnies ~ Page 4
This page last updated on 14th September 2002