The Good Housekeeping Way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
The Good Housekeeping Way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
The Good Housekeeping Way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside
of the cake.
The Real Women's Way:
The Cheese Cake Shop sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
The Good Housekeeping Way #4:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop
in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit.
The Good Housekeeping Way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and
it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way:
It could keep forever. I don't eat it.
The Good Housekeeping Way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way:
Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites
over the crust so I don't do that.
The Good Housekeeping Way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way ~ Cure for headaches:
Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of tequila. Drink
the tequila. You might still have the headache, but at least you will be
too drunk to give a shit.
The Good Housekeeping Way #8:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way:
Go ask mister tight six, cute butt, big bicep single neighbour to do
it for you.
And finally the most important tip -
The Good Housekeeping Way #9:
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and
sauces.
The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine?????
Thanx Dee...
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
Thanx terrierx
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual headline)
Linda Burnett, age 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise like a gunshot, and a wad of dough hit her in the back of the head.
When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is blonde.
Thanx Dee
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession: "Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind. I have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?"
Thanx Dee
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're
the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been makin' bets about how
big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does
he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"
Thanx Dee
During a routine checkup, a doctor told his patient that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Then came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Thanx Dee
Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it is really a problem getting rid of the butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for that problem. You just open the packet, take out the condom and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up and dispose of it all later!"
The first nun was quite impressed with this solution and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drugstore, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drugstore and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister" said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?"
"I'd like some condoms please," she said. The pharmacist was somewhat taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like -- there are twelve to a box?"
"I'll take six boxes; that should last about a week," said the nun. The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. However, he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large and the big liar size?"
The sister thought for a minute and then said, "I'm not certain. Perhaps you could recommend a good size for Camels."
The pharmacist fainted.
Thanx Dee
You know the scary thing about (the following) is it's an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK, and written by a woman!!
"When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly
as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your
tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have
to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going
to bed.
Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it.
In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then humbly agree all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.
When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.
It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products.
You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his cup of tea ready when he awakes."
Thanx Raven
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Ok, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So, what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on her side, he smiles, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives
him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner
is out again."
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Simply turning his head, and he YELLS at her, "HEY, it's not life imprisonment!"
Thanx Silver
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a minage a trios.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.
* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry,
and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their
store.
* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set
up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because
it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However,
they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything
they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household
chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship
with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they
bring a #%^%$#% cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued
off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of #%^%$#% nowhere,
so she can get her nails done and go shopping...
Thanx Dee
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class
swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it
was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says
it will take the contagious."
Thanx Dee
After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Tasmanian said to the doctor,
"I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting
a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1" "2" "3" "4" "5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between
his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
Thanx Dee
A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee' is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together. It became a rather impressive work of art. Of course, the guy mentions none of this to his girl.
They marry and go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Thanx Dee
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Thanx Dee
HOW TO TURN MEN DOWN
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there any more.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
Thanx Dee
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Thanx Raven
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about
to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints,
and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking
it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it
out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Thanx Dee
Things to say when stressed at work
1. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!" (priceless)
3. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
6. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"
7. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
8. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left"
9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
10. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
19. "Not all women are annoying. Some are dead."
20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
21. "Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done."
22. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
23. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
24. "Earth is full. Go home."
25. "Aw, did I step on your poor, little bitty ego?"
26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be a freakin' airport
30. "You realize speaking to me before I have had my morning coffee is a VERY bad idea."
Thanx Dee
Australian poetry contest
The finals of the Australian poetry contest last year (2001) came down to 2 finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected. The other finalist was a Bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.
The Melbourne uni grad went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."
The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows Bogan top that? The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three sluts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
He Won...
Thanx Dee
This page last updated on 30th September 2002