Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Thanx Raven
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
Thanx Dee
One wish
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He asks, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy replies, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto Knutson, Minnesota Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish'.
And, I said, 'No shit!'"
Thanx Dee
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Thanx Dee
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
Thanx Dee
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Thanx Dee
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Thanx Dee
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfils
his fantasy. But when
they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
Thanx Dee
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything
more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and
his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not
to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know
him."
The defence attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
Thanx Dee
FREQUENT FLYER ???
An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight in Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way,
a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she
reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his trench
coat and exposed himself in all his naked glory.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied politely, "But you have to show us your ticket, not your stub."
Thanx Dee
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "But my cucumbers are enormous."
Thanx Dee
AMEN !!!
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.........
Then he added a mouth: ruined the whole fucking thing.
Thanx Dee
A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:
'Honey, could you fix the hall light? It's been flickering for weeks
now.'
He looks at her and says, angrily: 'Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have City Power printed on my forehead? I don't think so!'
'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly.'
'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Whirlpool written on my forehead? I don't think so!'
'Fine,' she says, 'Well then, could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break up.'
'Does it look as though I've Bunnings written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub.'
So, he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices the steps are fixed and the light has stopped flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.
'Honey, how did all these get fixed?'
'Well,' she said 'When you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong - so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either bake him a cake or have sex with him.'
'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'
'She replied: 'HELLO!!!..... Do you see Sara-Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!'
Thanx Dee
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like
THAT makes sense.)
..................
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He
may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
Now is that for dignity or just plain kinky
...............
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) In some
cases would a matchstick be appropriate
............
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much
worse than "going blind!") You lose your head for losing your head
Hmmmmm
...........
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.
...........
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
.............
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. (But of course!)
...........
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness
the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) One thing to say -
eeeeeeooooooooo I think I would be forever a virgin.
..........
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?) So one after the other is
alright then?
..........
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is
this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
............
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who
volunteers for this stuff?) They have been stealing our research
..........
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is
that why Flipper was always smiling?)
..........
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From
drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this
research??)
............
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
............
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people
like that.) Uh huh
.............
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
I must know a lot of starfish
............
Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have
bad breath?) and why they aren't built like dogs
Thanx Raven
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
(Wait for it)
(It's coming)
(The suspense is killing you, isn't it)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
(oh shut up, I just forward them, I don't write them!)
Thanx Dee
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? HERE IT COMES...."
Thanx Dee
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 2000 yen and received $72.00.
The following week, he went in with 2000 yen and was handed $66.00.
He asked the teller why
he got less money than he got the previous week.
The lady said "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans, too".
Thanx Dee
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the
middle of the road. The man is at least six
feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge
red beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is
wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, goldeen hair... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!"
"But..." stammers the driver.
"Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.
"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!" So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again!" says the Highlander.
"I can't do it any more! You'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.
"All right laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Thanx Dee
If you think life is bad.....
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys
But worst of all..
the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!
So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,
I mean day!!!!!
Thanx Raven
Three Little Moles
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says, "Yum! I smell
maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all
I can smell is....
Scroll down.......
Get ready.....
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...
"MOL ASSES!"
Thanx Ecka
Ira knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.
"Pardon me," Ira said, "are you game?"
She looked him up and down and seductively said, "Yes."
So he shot her.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"
"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "OK," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Thanx Ecka
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter.
There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.
I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here...with windows ninety-five.
There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.
As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, " I guess it's all right."
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me.....she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He was always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said only...on this night, she could be found
It is only...this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off...and i had to pause.
I think I just cybered . . . . . . with Mrs. Santa Claus ! !
!
(Thanx Dee)
Santa's Bad Day or The Birth of a Tradition
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
(Thanx Berrys)
This page last updated on 25th May 2003