Why it's great to be a man..................
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
You can open all your own jars.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The world is your urinal.
Thanx Ecka
This lady goes to the gynaecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her name is called, and she's taken to the examination room.
The doctor asks, "Okay, my good woman, what is your problem?"
"Well," she says, "my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out!"
The doctor says, "Don't be nervous. I see things like this all the time."
He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks, "I only have one question. What am I looking for, bills or loose change?"
Thanx Ecka
How do you define a bisexual?
Someone who wants to have their dick and eat it too.
Thanx Ecka
"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer."
Thanx Ecka
A woman is chatting with her friends at the beauty parlour one afternoon about their husbands and other pressing issues. One woman tells her friends about how her husband is constantly getting liquored up at night. When he comes home, he passes out and snores at such a high volume that she is unable to sleep.
Luckily for her, one of the other wives had gone through the same ordeal and found a solution. "Here's what you need to do. After he falls asleep, take a piece of ribbon and tie it around his pecker. I've done it to my husband hundreds of times and it has yet to fail me."
Figuring she had nothing to lose, the troubled wife decided to give it a shot.
As usual, the husband had gone out with the boys to get sauced. As the wife layed in bed, her dog climbed in next to her and fell asleep. As he did, he began to snore. The wife decided to test the theory, hoping it would work on animals as well. She took a piece of red ribbon and tied it around the dog's piece. Sure enough, the snoring stopped! The wife was amazed and was eager to test it out on her husband.
Hours later, the husband staggered through the front door and passed out on the living room couch. His immediate roaring snore awoke the wife. She took a piece of blue ribbon and tied it around her husband's member. As expected, the snoring stopped!
The next morning, groggy and aching, the husband awoke to find the dog next to him on the couch, a red ribbon tied around its pecker. He felt a slight discomfort around his own, and looked down to find the blue one wrapped around it.
The man looked at the dog and said, "I don't know what happened or what we did last night, but it looks like we took first and second place."
Thanx Ecka
An 85-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year old man appeared at the doctor's office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well Doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for some help. She used her right then left hands, but still - nothing.
"She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit then she tried squeezing ot between her knees - but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't
get the lid off that jar!"
Thanx Terrierx for this oldie but goldie!
Fridays in Hell
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "Why do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the Demon replied. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink!"
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, bourbon, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet TAB and fresca. We drink until we throw up, and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great!"
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You'd better believe it!" replied the man.
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If yu get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow!" the guy said. "That's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble?"
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do!"
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...?"
"That's right! Thursday is drug day! Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation. "I never realised hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "Are you gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays..."
Thanx Terrierx
There were two golfers on the golf course. One of them pulled out a cigarette and asked his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Wow! Where did you get such a large Bic?"
"Oh, my genie got it for me."
"Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
"He's in my golfbag."
His friend says, "Can I see him?"
"Yeah, sure."
So the friend looks into the bag and out comes the genie. The man says to the genie, "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?"
The genie says, "Yes, just one wish."
So, the man asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie goes back into the golfbag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. The it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks flying over. He gets really upset, and says, "What is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
His friend says to him, "Do you really think I asked him for a 12-inch
Bic?"
Thanx Terrierx
John decided life would be much easier if he had a clone. So he had one made and sent him to work in his place while he stayed home and relaxed.
Soon this backfired when the clone came home and said he'd been fired for making sexual comments to the women in the office.
John decided, he had to get rid of his clone before things got any worse. John took his clone to the top of a tall building and pushed him off. Unfortunately, someone saw John and he was arrested and convicted for making an obscene clone fall.
Thanx Ecka
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Thanx Ecka
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiance's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my soon-to-be father-in-law.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good
kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated
me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that
I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their
daughter, not them.
I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car
was to get a condom.
Thanx Ecka & Dragonfire
Don't cheat by reading the whole thing first. It's good if you do it right!
Get a blank piece of paper, and draw a picture of a pig on it, just a basic drawing, don't spend all day on it.
DRAW THE PIG BEFORE YOU GO ON.
IF YOU DON'T THE TEST WON'T WORK!
NO CHEATING,
DRAW THE PIG FIRST
HAVE YOU DONE THE DRAWING ??
IF NOT GO BACK AND DO IT NOW!
IT REALLY IS FUN IF YOU DO IT RIGHT!
OK, now to the interesting stuff ...
The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.
If the pig is drawn:
OK, who didn't draw a tail????????????
Thanx Raven
The key to heaven
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
Thanx Squeezy
Two Whales
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp down all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at her man and said,
"Oh no... I agreed to the blow job, but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
Thanx Dee
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scottish bloke - 6ft 5 and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the Liverpudlian.
Leaning over towards the Scotsman he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the big guy leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar and leaves him bruised and battered in the car park before returning to his seat.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says, "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure," the Scouser replies, "something about a job."
Thanx Ecka
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
Thanx Ecka
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and he asked her, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"Why, it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
It's my husband that does. He says he can't communicate with me."
Thanx Ecka
WHY IT IS BETTER TO HAVE A DOG THAN A WIFE/LOVER:
01. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
02. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
03. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
04. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
05. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
06. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
07. A dog's parents never visit.
08. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
09. Dogs agree you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours
a day
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with
both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you
get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room
for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you
a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just
think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
Thanx Ecka
30 Cruel & Heartless Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What IS that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
Thanx Raven
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?
''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''
''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.
''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''
''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''
Thanx Terrierx
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
replied, "Mum, I'm
thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close
as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed
bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making
passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table, and heard that same buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the lounge.
She entered and observed her husband sitting on the sofa, staring at
the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the sofa, buzzing like mad.
The wife asked, "What the hell are
you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the football with my son-in-law."
Thanx Raven
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffiest one he could.
And the number one thing that sounds dirty, but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number one thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first. Thanks.
Thanx Raven
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve. We have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He pissed off!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, our first parent, asked?
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" asked the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance
in this story. If
you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children
wisdom, and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
1. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for
you?
2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension, and you get
a headache, do what it says on
the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
3. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to
walk and talk. Then you spend the
next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
4. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
5. Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
6. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't
have said.
7. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
8. We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
9. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Thanx Dee
We men always hear "the rules" from the women's side. Now here are the rules from the men's side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered 1 on purpose.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. So what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Charlie's Angels, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
1. We are not mind readers! We never will be, and our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, football, sports cars, sex, home brewing or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Thanx Twasi
Today's reading comes from the book of corporate life, Chapter 1, Verses 1 - 15.
1. In the beginning was the plan.
2. And then came the Assumptions.
3. And the Assumptions were without form.
4. And the Plan was without Substance.
5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
6. And they spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."
7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail
of dung and we cannot
live with the smell."
8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container
of organic waste,
and is very strong, such as none may abide it."
9. And the managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel
of fertilizer, and none
may abide its strength."
10. And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another,
"It contains that
which aids plant growth, and is very strong."
11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth,
and is very powerful."
12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new Plan will
actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful
effects."
13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the Plan became Policy.
15. And this is how shit happens.
Thanx Twasi
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San
Antonio,TX
Thanx Sedate
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed
the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes Seattle,
WA
Thanx Sedate
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died
of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan S! ! ! teinberg,
Manitoba, Canada
Thanx Sedate
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was
silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there
with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous,
Worcester, MA
Thanx Sedate
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places
to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk,
VA
Thanx Sedate
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered."Why,
not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis,
OR
Thanx Sedate
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil
packet labelled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit,
MI
Thanx Sedate
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Thanx Sedate
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest whenhe stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest. You’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the pretty forest. You’ll see, you’ll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion,
my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with
us through the sunny forest. You will feel
so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and starts to
beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest
like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!"
Thanx Terrierx
This page last updated on 2 November 2002