The Perfect Day
PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and tea.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:30 Blowjob
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:20 Blowjob
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:15 Blowjob
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch Sportscenter.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon,20oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:46 One last blowjob
11:59 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
12:00 Laugh yourself to sleep.
(Thanx Kally)
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask
over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and
hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only
here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash
your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little
distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She
whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his
penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced
the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are
my test results back???"
(Thanx Dee)
A farmer had about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wanted to breed chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem!"
Well, the rooster cost $3,000, a very expensive piece of poultry. But the farmer decides he's worth it and buys Kenny anyway. He takes him home and sets him down in the barnyard. But before the cock goes to work, the farmer gives him a little pep talk.
"Now Kenny, I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun!", the farmer said with a chuckle.
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house, three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked!
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, and sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worries that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny. I told you to take it easy...now look what you've done to yourself!"
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh ... they're getting closer!"
(Thanx Pink)
Letter from Terry Jones (of Monty Python fame) in "The Observer" (UK) 26.01.2003
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been
really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both
give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something
nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult.
Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.
Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me.
I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come
out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers,
galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't
hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the
entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W.
Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy
will destroy only one street.
(Thanx Jane)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until
well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with
nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften,
repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before
and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
(Thanx Hot-AC-Man & Fairlysweetpea)
Quotes
1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)
2) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush Former US First Lady)
3) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)
4) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." (Billy Crystal)
5) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)
6) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." (Henry Kissinger)
7) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs)-(Founder: Apple Computer)
8) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather)-(News anchorman)
9) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwartzenegger)
10) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)
11) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. (Roseanne)
12) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. (Robert De Niro)
13) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS: See, the problem is that God gives
men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. (Robin
Williams)
(Thanx Hot-AC-Man)
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked
from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised
shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
(Thanx Twasi)
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
8. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them
for life.
9. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
10. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring
and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
11. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
12. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
13. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
14. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
15. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
16. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who
has the biggest Boobs?
The blonde because she's 18!!
17. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
18. How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
19. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
20. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
21. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
22. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.
23. Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
24. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
25. What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
26. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
27. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what
do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
28. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA
29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
30. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
the other?
A speech impediment.
31. What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at
half mast?
They're hiring.
32. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
33. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
34. Why aren't there any Aboriginals on StarTrek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
35. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
36. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.
37. What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian
zoo?
A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along along with a recipe.
38. What's the Indonesian National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
(Thanx Berrys)
Thought for the day
Currently, there is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. So..... by 2020 there should be
a large, elderly population with perky breasts, superb erections and
no recollection of what to do with them.
(Thanx Berrys)
PAY ATTENTION!!!
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and continued:
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
(Thanx Berrys)
The Amazing Claude
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
(Thanx Berrys)
What I have learned as I have matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. (Unfortunately - this is too fucking true!)
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your
kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
(Thanx Dee)
Little April, Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," but, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her
twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This
time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME
ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A*SE!"
The Teacher fainted.
(Thanx Raven)
Johnny asks grandpa: - Do you still have sex with granny?
Grandpa says: - Yes, but only oral.
Johnny asks: - What is oral?
Grandpa says: - She says fuck you, & I say, fuck you too.
(Thanx Ecka)
S H I T
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
I always thought it was a driving term!
(Thanx Ecka)
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
“No, I don't." said the little old lady.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
(Thanx Ecka)
Who says Men are not Sensitive?
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
(Thanx Dragonfire)
Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat
a blowjob.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger.
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.
(Thanx Fairlysweetpea)
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This page last updated on 23rd February 2003