The Sneeze - one of my favs!!!
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Do you want me to call the stewardess for you?"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition,
and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says,
"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
(Thanx Kally)
A man and wife are in the livestock section at the county fair. They happen upon a stall, where there is a large bull. Upon reading the sign posted by the stall, the wife exclaims: "Look here dear! It says this bull mated 365 times last year! That's once per day! I think you need to take some lessons from this bull."
To which her husband replied: "Go ask the farmer if all 365 times were
with the same cow."
(Thanx Sweetpea)
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but..then
I wouldn't have a siren."
(Thanx Berrys)
Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Away From Home: Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and said it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at
Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see
if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
(Thanx Dee)
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he learned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes,
and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
(Thanx Dee)
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad get his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
(Thanx Dee)
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one
is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATHS:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody
have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly
called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful"
(Thanx Dee)
Friend to the End
Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk with you,and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ..I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help
you move a body.
(Thanx Kally)
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know...
(Thanx Twasi)
THE BEST CHAIN EMAIL EVER WRITTEN
Hello, my name is John. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to shit?
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?
"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!" What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by
St.Peter in 5 AD and brought to the USA by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Fuck
them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless
or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it
on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose
only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive
if you forward this email.
Oh, by the way all you idiots out there...NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM - NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY YET!!!!!! AND IF THERE WERE, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE AGAINST THE LAW TO TRACK IT FOR PRIVACY MATTERS.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
(Thanx Sedate)
-----------------------
(I read this in a church magazine. Thought it was worth sharing)
Honk if You Love The Lord
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore, and saw a bumper
sticker, “Honk if You Love the Lord.”
I was feeling particularly chirpy because I had just come from a wonderful
prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy I
was glad I did! What a wonderful uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is and I didn’t notice the light change. It is a good thing that someone else loves the Lord, because if he had not honked I would never have noticed. I found that lots of people love the Lord. Why, while I was sitting there the guy behind me started honking like crazy and then he leaned out of his window and screamed “For the love of God woman, go, go, go”! What an exuberant cheerleader. Everybody started honking. I just leaned out of my window and waved and smiled at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There was a driver with a surfboard on his car and he must have been disappointed in the waves, because he was yelling something about the stupid beach. I just smiled and waved.
Then I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage son what that meant, and he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well I have never met anyone from Hawaii so I leaned out of my window and gave the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying the religious experience.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. Maybe they wanted to ask me what Church I attended, but at that moment I noticed the lights had changed. So I waved and smiled at all my brothers and sisters and drove off through the intersection. By the time the other folks got back into their cars, the lights had changed again and I was the only car that got through.
I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love that
we had shared, so I slowed down, leaned out of the window, and gave them
all the Hawaiian good luck sign for one last time as I drove away.
(Thanx TangerineStar)
HOW TO GIVE A HANDJOB!
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"
(Thanx Sweetpea)
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it was."
Barbara Bush, (Former US First Lady, and you didn't
think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis-- Doctors are reporting that many men
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
(Thanx Sedate)
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to wipe herself, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her knickers.
The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck
to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
(Thanx Flower)
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ...what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-bitch called back."
(Thanx Dee)
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"
(Thanx Dee)
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward,
but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
-----------
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
-----------
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but
I remember the guy you're talking about."
(Thanx Dee)
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and
ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
(Thanx Dee)
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM
you have a headache."
(Thanx Dee)
Mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become an auto mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you
did all of it through the muffler."
(Thanx Dee)
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
(Thanx Dee)
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me
move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
(Thanx Sweetpea)
Golfers Sons
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, 'My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!'
The second man said, 'My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded.
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, 'My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.'
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, we were just talking about our sons. "How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued. 'I'm not totally thrilled
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
(Thanx Berrys)
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colours, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was
just wondering if you were my son."
(Thanx Raven)
What a Lady Wants
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.
She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
The man after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Porsche, NSX, and a Mercedes in my garage, plus two million dollars in the bank...
But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches!
Just send the bottle back. "
(Thanx Kally)
FOR NATIONAL PRIDE!
As we all know, extreme Islamic Fundamentalists/Taliban consider it a sin for a Man to see a naked Woman who is NOT his Wife. So.....
This Saturday at 2:pm ALL British Women are asked to walk out of their Houses completely naked, to help weed out any Neighbourhood Terrorists.
Circling Your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All Men are to position themselves in patio chairs in front of their Houses to prove they are not Terrorists, and demonstrate that they think it`s OK to see nude Women other than their Wives, and to show support for all British Women.
Since the Taliban/Islamic Fundamentalists do not approve of Alcohol, a cold six-pack at Your side is further proof of Your Anti-Terrorist sentiment.
The UK Government appreciates Your efforts to root out Terrorists and applauds Your participation in this vital War Effort.
GOD BLESS GREAT BRITAIN!
(Thanx Flower)
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the women's bathroom...."
(Thanx Sedate)
Fancy dress
This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come
dressed as different emotions, eg anger, fear etc. On the night of the
party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered
in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to
this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says, "I 'm green with envy". The host replies, Brilliant,
come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, stark naked, one with his willy stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
Paddy replies, "Well, I'm f*cking discustard, and my friend here has just come in dispair."!!!
(Thanx TangerineStar)
PAINTING THE PORCH
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's
dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by
all the 'dumb blonde' joke email we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man
reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the
way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
(Thanx Ms Pink)
A man with a 25-inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that
he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more
than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration,"is there
anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically, there is nothing I can do... But, I
do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this, go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to the frog, 'Will you marry me?' When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out
to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW,"
he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20
inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you
marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another
5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down
at his penis again,15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen
inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you
marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times
do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"
(Thanx Sedate)
No Appetite
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
(Thanx Ms Pink)
Girls night out
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one.
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
(Thanx Sedate)
He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.
"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was
a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked
him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called".
(Thanx Sedate)
The Flower Show
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
(Thanx Sedate)
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says "The airbag."
(Thanx Sedate)
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Kings Cross, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Rooty Hill and one of my sisters, who lives in Western Sydney is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Balmain. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of shop lifting and bank fraud with his three teenage children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Surry Hills. She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who plays for the Bulldogs in the NRL !!???????????
Signed
Worried about my reputation.
(Thanx TangerineStar)
Truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. (This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.)
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction
crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied... "I will if those useless bastards at Bunnings
ever bring us the fucking gyprock"
(Thanx TangerineStar)
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the
morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus
and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician
pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him
over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it
ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean
in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt
real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked
down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the Mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town
together, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
(Thanx Sedate)
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at
her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at
her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird
saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the
woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith"
(Thnx Ms Pink)
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This page last updated on 22nd May 2004