In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Aleve is Naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixadun, and Alimpdixafixi.
Viagra is now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced
the release of the wonder drug, Viagra, in a new, easy-to-take liquid form.
It is sold under the pharmaceutical name "Mydixadud." Now, when a man comes
home from work in the evening, he can pour himself a stiff one.
(Thanx Ms Pink)
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She
went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare
you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and
drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
(Thanx Dee)
If you think you have a crappy job....
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. Purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a track suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with thethermometer and read it.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."
Remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
(Thanx Sedate)
GOLF CONFUSION
My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf... you know, golf... that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to
play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if
you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked
around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said
so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure..."
"You're balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told
him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands..." Well folks, I knew right
then that he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "Swing
it over your shoulder..." No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother
he's talking about. He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers". He
said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me,
and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn't catch
me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."
I could well imagine that.
"... and when you're on the green..."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not colour blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands"
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole." I corrected him,
"You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go
on to the next 17." Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two
holes I'm shot to hell. "You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know
when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"
Uh, huh...
(Thanx Dee)
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like
a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story : Women are clever. Don't screw with them.
(Thanx Dee)
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels
great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
(Thanx Sedate)
This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize.
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold. The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or she would go on the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked down her pants and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and needed some assistance. He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down."
And you thought your first date was embarrassing. This presents
a whole new definition of being "pissed off."
(Thanx Sedate)
Cool things about being a Man:
1. Your bum is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
4. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
> > > >
> > > > 15. People never glance at your chest when
you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle
your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking ''He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
(Thanx Sedate)
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Clubs" in the
yellow pages.
(Thanx Flower & Trishy)
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing. Aren't you?!?!)
WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it is sex with someone they love)
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know....... it never happened)
(Thanx Flower)
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoy-ing problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
(Thanx Flower)
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were
only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre..........
They manage to swim to a small island.......and they lived there for
a couple of years............ doing what's natural for men and women to
do.....
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing...................She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.........
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course..............
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.....................
So...............
..........They buried her.
(Thanx Flower...I think...)
Sinners
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."
The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Bridget O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?"
Tommy says.... "Five more good leads".
(Thanx Squeezy)
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring
the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple
making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself:
"Ah, young love...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!",
and continued to watch, remembering the good old days that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman
she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to
tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere
is zis man, zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are
not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers?
Ah, L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the
station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed
Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre, ...
this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having
sex..."
To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's
spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not
understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri
and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside,
smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, me amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is
not dead, she is British."
(Thanx Squeezy)
Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification, If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing heard yet. Anyway, heres how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida
if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, shes at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly)
DJ: "Well... Question #2" - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with
us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I willput Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up.You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, lets call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar withWBAM. We are live on the air right now
and Ive been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not
to give any answers away or youll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules
of Mate Match?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off
to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets
to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break".
(Thanx Squeezy)
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various Councils and Housing Associations throughout the UK
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6.00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the Clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and
I just can't take it any more.
(Thanx Squeezy)
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband 1 was a recruitment consultant; he kept telling me how
great I was for the position he had in mind.
Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to
me.
Husband 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically
but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how,
but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ... God I miss
him!
But now that I've married you, "I'm so excited!"
"Good" said the husband, "but, Why?"
"You're a used-car salesman. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
(Thanx Squeezy)
A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has s*x with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell
him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in
the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn."
(Thanx Squeezy)
don't ever get lost
A young man graduated from University of Appalachia with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Appalachia, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few
seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
(Thanx Squeezy)
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss m e!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they startkissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says: "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers: "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and sets it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously:
"PIERRE, WHAT IN HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says: "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot.
If I go down, I go down in flames!"
(Thanx Squeezy)
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 & 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 & 30 a woman is like America, well developed & open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 & 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed & convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 & 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm & desirable place to visit.
Between 41 & 50 she is like Yugoslavia , lost the war & haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 & 60, she is like Russia, very wide & borders are unpatrolled. The fridged climate keeps people away.
Between 61 & 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious & all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70 they become Afghanistan. Most everyones knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between 15 & 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick
(Thanx Squeezy)
Bus Load of School Girls and They All Perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter. St Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?". She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line, St Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The
girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to
do it before Jackie sticks her ass in it."
(Thanx Squeezy)
This page last updated on 25th May 2003