An elephant asks a camel : "Why are your breasts on your back ?"
"Well ," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody
whose dick is on his face."
(Thanx Dee)
Beige
Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one
tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning,
Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had
in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
(Thanx Kally)
Why Men Pee Standing Up
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two
extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them
between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had
to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very
handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you
wanted that very ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to
me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should
do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be
so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could
just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name
in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let
me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little
boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted
that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing
that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the
one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while
in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down
the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
"Fine," God said and then looking back into his bag of leftovers he said,
"Let's see what's left here"? Oh yes, brains...."
(Thanx Squeezy & Kally)
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. 'Open the f***ing
safe' he yells at the girl behind the
counter.
'But we're not a real bank' she replies. 'We don't have any money; this is a sperm bank'.
'Don't argue!.....Open the f***ing safe or I'll blow your head off'.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, 'Take out one of the bottles and drink it'.
'But it's full of sperm!' she replies nervously.
'Don't argue just drink it' he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
'Take out another one and drink it too' he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl's amazement, it's her husband.
'Not that f***ing difficult, is it?'
(Thanx Squeezy)
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most
romantic first line but least romantic second line:
(Thanx sweetpea)
What Stressed Out People Say At Work
1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you".
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing".
3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
6. "Do I look like a people person?"
7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting"
8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"
9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose"
10. "Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless
acts of self-control?"
11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet"
16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
21. "Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done."
22. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
23. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
24. "Earth is full. Go home."
25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be a fucking airport"
30. "Do I LOOK like I want to have a nice day?"
(Thanx Kally)
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs, "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't
trust me!"
(Thanx Kally)
an original script from Rainbow......
The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana...
Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four "
George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?"
Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.
Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"
Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the otherway.Ooooooh, I've got it
in"
Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.
Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George"
George: " I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself, Bungle."
Geoffrey ( to camera ) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about
playing"
Bungle: " Playing with each other,Geoffrey?"
Geoffrey:" Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to
play with?"
George:" Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going
to play with our friend's balls today?
Bungle: " Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey ( to camera ) Have you seen Bungles twanger?
Zippy:" Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."
Bungle: " It's my plucking instrument."
Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle
Zippy:" I can, I'm the best plucker here."
George;" And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?
Zippy: " Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."
Geoffrey;" Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."
Bungle ( excited ) " Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers
couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Roger can get
their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."
Singers Rod, Roger and Jane enter.
Roger:" We could hear you all banging away"
Rod: " Banging can be fun ."
Jane:" Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and
Roger."
Roger ( looking sad ) " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."
Rod ( to Jane ) " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging
away?"
Jane: " Oh no, I was banging away with Roger last night. But would
you Like to play with my maracas?"
Zippy;" No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."
George:" Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."
Zippy;" I've got a big red one."
George:" I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like
to play with it."
Geoffrey ( to viewers )" Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song."
Everyone in studio: " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck
all day."
Geoffrey ( waving )" It's time to go. But don't forget to get your
twangers out and play with your balls."
(Thanx Flower)
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem. The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls,
and I backed over him with the car."
(Thanx Dee)
Kevin decided to propose to Rebecca, but prior to her acceptance Rebecca had to confess to him about her childhood illness. She informed Kevin that she had suffered a disease that left her breasts with the maturity of a 12 year old littl girl. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
However, Kevin felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Kevin looked Rebecca in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Rebecca and Kevin got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Kevin whisked Rebecca off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. Shortly thereafter, as Rebecca put her hands in Kevin's pants, she suddenly began to scream and then ran out of the room. Kevin ran after her to find out what was wrong.
When Kevin caught up with her, Rebecca said to him, "you told me that your penis was the size of an infant!"
Kevin said, "It is..... it's 8 pounds, 7 ounces and 19 inches long."
(Thanx Netwreck)
Reminiscing
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with
her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the
kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in
deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear
from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten
out today."
(Thanx Sedate)
Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS.
We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs.Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more
than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in
the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
(Thanx Distressed)
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't
ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week; I'll light
a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles,
ten in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer farking candle!"
(Thanx Reedy)
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the
sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard
the voice of the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."
(Thanx Flower)
A 75 year old lady tells her husband that she should go to a doctor and have a physical. Her husband agrees. She makes an appointment with a gynaecologist, and tells him about not having a check-up in over 25 years.
The physician tells her to get undressed, put on the gown then he will examine her. The doctor proceeds with the exam. He lifts her right breast and tells her to say 99.
She obliges and says, "99."
"I see nothing wrong there," he says. He then lifts her left breast and tells her, "Say 99."
She replies "99."
Then he says, "Okay with this one too. We will now do a pelvic exam. Lay flat down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."
The doctor puts on rubber gloves and some KY jelly on the gloves and is checking her private parts for any sign of lumps, etc.
He then says to her, "Say 99."
She says, "One, two, three..."
(Thanx Kally)
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a tenner appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sayke teyhk it out mon!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly".
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand".
(Thanx Flower, Kally & Andy)
Bob and his buddy Jack decided to go skiing for their spring break. They loaded up Bob's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into a nearby farm. They asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed", she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Bob said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. When the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. By morning, the weather cleared, and they went on their way to enjoying a good week of skiing.
Nine months later, Bob got and unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of the attractive widow they had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Jack and asked, "Jack, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski trip up north?"
"Yes," said Jack, "I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes", said Jack, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of her yours?"
Jack's face turned red, and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Because," said Bob, "she just died and left me everything!"
(Thanx Kally - this is a beauty! rofl)
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning.
When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows
he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also since he lost his job two years
ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the
living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills.
And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You're a New York senator. You don't need him anymore.
(Thanx Kally)
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned,spent almost all of her vacation
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first
day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there,
and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she
heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she
just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your
sunbathing on the toof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing
a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can
see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."
(Thanx Dee)
There are only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use:
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them @#$%ing Indians!"
-Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938
7. "It does SO @#$%ing look like her!"
-Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!"
-Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$%'s going to find out?"
-Bill Clinton, 1999
And number 1 . . . . . . .
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get th is @#$%ing mad."
-Osama bin Laden, 2001
(Thanx Kally)
Viagra
A man goes into the chemists and asks the Pharmacist for a box of Viagra as he's got three nubile, young babes coming round his place later that evening and he want's to be in top form. The Pharmacist gives him the Viagra and jealously, wishes him well.
Next day the man again, visits the chemist where he asks to speak to the Pharmacist. The Pharmacist asks him how he can be of service. The man asks him for a giant tube of Deep Heat.
''Deep Heat?'' questions the Pharmacist quite startled.
''That's right'', replies the man.
''I take it your night went really well'', says the Pharmacist with a knowing wink.
Rolling up his sleeves, the man shows the Pharmacist his arms - both of which, are completely black and blue.
''Good grief!'' shouts the Pharmacist, ''What on earth happened?''
''I'm afraid'', replied the man, ''that the girls never showed up.''
(Thanx AC...)
A man walks up to a bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits down a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. What's yours?" I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says, "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it". The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out exact change for payment.
This happens the next evening also. The following evening the trio enters again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, its close to last orders, so I'll have a large scotch", says the man, "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch, but I'm not paying for it" says the cat. That will be £12.35", says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir, How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time" asks the bartender.
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me 3 wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant"! says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live."
"That's right!, Whether its a pint of milk or a Rolls-Royce, the exact money is always there" says the man. The bartender asks, "One other thing sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?"
The man replies, "My other two wishes were for a bird with long legs,
and a tight pussy.
(Thanx Dee)
A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302...
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302".
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!"
(Thanx Dee)
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
(Thanx Dee)
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled," Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time
she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train
whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust
and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before the dirty bitch shits
on you!"
(Thanx Dee)
Kathy comes home early from work one day only to find her husband, Mark, in bed with a woman. Kathy says "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."
Mark says "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation."
Kathy shrugs and says "Fine, let's hear your story."
Mark says "I'm driving along the street when I see this young lady in
torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked
if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck
and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that
doesn't fit you anymore, the blouse I bought you 2 years ago that you never
wore, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought but never used - I even gave
her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, but didn't serve to me.
I showed her to the door. She thanked me profusely. As she was about to
leave she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife
doesn't use anymore?'
(Thanx Dee)
Paul, a guy on the local beach, just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato---and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than before! Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"Jeezzzzz!" says the lifeguard.......
"The potato goes in front!!"
(Thanx Dee)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just
look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace for the rest of our days"
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the Police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
(Thanx Dee)
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop!
A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right, right through the front door and into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...
(wait for it)
(it's coming)
(Ya ready?)
(don't hate me)
(take a deep breath)
"He should have quit while he was a head!"
(Thanx Dee)
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates. They compare stories on how they had died.
First woman - "I froze to death."
Second woman - "You froze to death - how horrible!"
First woman - "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?"
Second woman - "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that
my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."
First woman - "So what happened?"
Second woman - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere,
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere.
Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and died."
First woman - "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-maybe we'd both
be still alive."
(Thanx Sedate)
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. She looked out the
window and yelled to her lover, "Quick jump out the window. My husband's
home early!!"
"I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is
the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
So he started running along side the others, about 300 of them. Being naked,
with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he
could. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying
him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope ... just when it's raining."
(Thanx Distressed)
Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other, The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't
have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen
canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
Later, after considerable consumption of wine, the first woman feels a bit guilty and has a need to confess.The woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, " I also have a confession to make. Canary
number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
(Thanx Dee)
An old man lived alone in Sydney. He wanted to spade his potato
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Blue, who used to help
him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament.
________________________
Dear Blue,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
___________________________
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Blue
_____________________________
At 4 A.M. the next morning, Federal Agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son......
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Blue.
(Thanx Dee)
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. He observed, "You all have obsessions."
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom, " Your obsession is alcohol. It manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're going home."
(Thanx Dee)
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
~~~~~~~~~~
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas."
(Thanx Dee)
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" .....And that's
when I shot the little bastard!"
(Thanx Tangerinestar)
One day, a man stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees a
speck on the horizon. "It's not big enough to be a ship", he thinks. As
the speck gets closer, he continues to rule out possibilities: a small
boat...a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop dead gorgeous
blond wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stranded man
and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you have had a cigarette?"
"Ten years", replies the stranded man. She touches the left sleeve
of her wetsuit, unzips a waterproof pocket, and pulls out a fresh pack
of cigarettes and a Zippo lighter. He takes one, lights up, and takes a
long drag. "Man, oh man! Is that good", he says.
"And, how long has it been since you have had a sip of bourbon?", she asks. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips, and pulls out a flask. He opens it, takes a long swig, and says "Wow! Absolutely fantastic!"
At this point, she starts to slowly unzip the long zipper than runs
down the front of her wetsuit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And,
how long has it been since you have played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet
Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
(Thanx Dee)
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
(Anon.)
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
(Thanx Dee)
LITTLE BILLY ON ....GETTING OLDER
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Billy replied, "My grandfather
lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather
eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his
own fucking business!!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
Billy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting
on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is
married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little
Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,'
but I like your thinking."
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said
6," replied Billy. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she
asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the
father? "That's what I said!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class! Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?" Billy says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and
says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a mouthful." Little Billy says, "No, Miss
Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR: One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little Billy. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."
(Thanx Dee)
This page last updated on 22nd May 2004