(Thanx AC)
This married couple was on holidays in Jamaica. They were looking around the marketplace at the goods and stuff when they passed this small sandal shop. From the inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in, come in. Come into my humble shop". So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican shopkeeper said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after hearing that, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?". The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man"
Well the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in
and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife had not seen in many years!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
over the table and yanked down his pants, ripped off his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican then began screaming:
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
(Thanx mantaray42)
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take
your house and car with them.
Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.
(Thanx AC)
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home
by 2a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and
goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows
up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."
(Thanx Kally)
Catholic Golf
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying
a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a might
swing He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the
nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued . On the 4th
tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike
you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again . "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of
the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes
a booming voice...
"Shit, I missed."
(Thanx Flower)
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Sincerely, Santa Claus
(Thanx Dee)
Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."
"Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
(Thanx Dee)
RADAR COP
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry? "
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket -- $95 dollars.
(Thanx Mantaray)
CHILLI CONTEST...
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chilli
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the
beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chilli.
(Thanx AC)
The Horth
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the
midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella upagain,
and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked
off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's
mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point,
the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far
as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a Widdlebit"?
(Thanx Sedate)
Old Age 1:
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily,
he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled
down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my
neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Old Age 2:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Old Age 3:
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've
got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mable answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out & stared
at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
where my hearing-aid is."
Old Age 4:
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know
he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
old Age 5:
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, found your wife dead at the bottom
of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was
an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...
please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Old Age 6:
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit
and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies
and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Old Age 7:
Three sisters aged 92, 94, and 96 years live in a house together. One
night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or
down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
(Thanx JB)
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both die on the same day.
They both go before Saint Peter to find out if they will be admitted
to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must
decide which of them will get in.
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to
heaven. She takes her top off and says, "Look at these. They're the most
perfect God has ever created, and I am sure it would please him to be able
to see them every day for eternity."
Saint Peter thanks Dolly, and then asks Queen Elizabeth the same question.
Queen Elizabeth then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier
out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "Okay,
your Majesty, you may go in."
Outraged, Dolly screams, "What in the hell was that all about? I showed
you two of God's greatest creations. She performed a disgusting hygiene
act, and she gets in and I don't."
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any
day."
(Thanx terrier)
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor
looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
(Thanx Terrier)
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
A lady sitting next to him asked: "Are they your babies?"
Man: "No, I work in a condom factory. These are customer complaints."
(Thanx Terrier)
HELP WITH BEER PROBLEMS
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
(Thanx Flower)
Little Red Riding was walking in the woods and came upon a wolf crouching
behind a log.
"What big eyes you have!" she said, and the wolf ran away.
She again saw the wolf this time, and he was crouched behind a bush.
She said "Oh my! What big ears you have!" The wolf again ran away.
She came upon the wolf crouching behind a big rock and said, "Oh my!
What big teeth you have!"
The wolf said, "Will you fuck off?! I'm trying to take a shit."
(Anon)
WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that
knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to
make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.Their
hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a
family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength
left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes,
apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show
how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world
spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give
compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same
to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at driving, lifting heavy stuff, killing spiders and wanking.
(Thanx Sweetpea)
A boy & his coin
A man walks into a Canberra shopping centre with his young son. The boy is holding a coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realises the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the centre reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, to them.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
"No," the woman replies. "I work for the Australian Taxation Office"
(Thanx Raven)
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,
"Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says 'Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted,
"Bell One!" and she stripped naked.
"Bell Two!" and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Tree!" and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!"
"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?"
She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you aint nowhere near de fire!"
(Thanx Mantaray)
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These
two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since
the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to
many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift
of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other,
ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling,
bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged
from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his
watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like
to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do
it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the
pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
(Thanx Mantaray)
Throughout history, breasts have inspired, confounded and entertained. But how much do we really know about the development of these majestic, fleshy orbs? What follows is a helpful timeline highlighting great moments in the glorious history of boobs.
The development of human breasts is necessitated by evolution. Evolution
clearly knows what it's doing. 1.6 million B.C. 30 B.C. Hot Egyptian ruler
Cleopatra is bitten in the boob by an asp. Long line forms to suck out
the venom. Intoxicated, vision-impaired pirates inadvertently discover
nipple piercing. 1680.
1776 This year marks the first recorded use of the term "booby
hatch" for an insane asylum. What this has to do with boobs we have no
idea, but we do not discriminate when it comes to boobs. The first Mardi
Gras parade takes place in New Orleans, consisting of one float, some cheap
beads, and innumerable bare bosoms. 1839
1885 The Statue of Liberty arrives in New York Harbor possessing the
largest boobs seen in America up to that point. The T-shirt finds widespread
acceptance. Oddly, wet T-shirt contests don't catch on until the latter
part of the century. 1917
1922 The Maidenform company is founded, starting the convention of
naming cup sizes A through D. The practice of "bra stuffing" quickly renders
this measurement system meaningless. The Grand Tetons are named by French
trappers. Grand Tetons means "big boobs." It's the last time in history
the French showed goodjudgment. 1929
1937 The Hindenburg bursts into flames and crashes. Historians note
that, in retrospect, the Hindenburg looked a lot like a giant, floating
boob. Duct tape is created to keep moisture out of military ammunition
cases during World War II. In time, it is used to create the illusion of
more cleavage, mostly by beauty pageant contestants. 1941
1943 Howard Hughes designs a "cantilevered" bra for Jane Russell to
wear in "The Outlaw." Giant boobs have been involved in making movies ever
since. Dolly Parton is born in Locust Ridge, Tennessee. Big boob jokes
go mainstream. 1946
1953 The first issue of "Playboy" hits newsstands, offering the world
a wide variety of boobs. That is, if you consider "big" and "airbrushed"
the same thing as "a wide variety." The first breast augmentation
surgery is performed. Deemed to be first undeniable proof there is a God.
1962
1963 Bra burning becomes a symbol of the women's liberation movement.
Unleashed hooters somehow make the women's liberation movement less annoying.
Farrah Fawcett-Majors poses for a poster in her swimsuit, inspiring
bad hairstyles, anorexia and palm callouses around the globe.1976
1977 "Three's Company" debuts. Suzanne Somers' nipples become first
celebrity body parts in history to demand their own publicist. Phoebe Cates
removes her bathing suit top in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." The price
of Kleenex stock surges. 1982
1983 The Hooters restaurant chain is launched, making lecherous ogling
a "family-friendly" activity. Pamela Anderson debuts on "Baywatch." Boobs
reach an unprecedented level of popularity. 1989
1990 Madonna dons a conical bra for her "Blond Ambition" tour, accomplishing
the impossible. She manages to make boobs boring. The Wonderbra takes the
fashion world by storm. Women's rights activists present passionate arguments
asserting the bra encourages men to objectify women. Men are so distracted,
all they hear is "blah, blah, blah." 1994
1995 "Seinfeld" episode airs featuring the "Bro," a bra for men. Inexplicably,
John Madden, Pavarotti and Marlon Brando are unavailable for comment. The
video game "Tomb Raider" debuts, featuring top-heavy adventurer Lara Croft.
Gives a whole new meaning to the term "handling one's joystick." 1996
1997 In the popular "Austin Powers" movie, Fembots use breasts as weapons.
In actuality, women have been doing this since 1.6 million B.C. A Florida
man sues a strip club claiming exotic dancer Tawny Peaks' 60-inch HHH bosom
caused him to suffer whiplash. Defense lawyers are paid with a large stack
of one dollar bills reeking of cheap perfume. 1998
1999 Pamela Anderson has her 36DD breast implants removed, returning
her to a 36C. The male population of the planet collectively utters, "Whuh?"
A Brazilian woman is shot during a confrontation between police and drug
dealers and is saved by her silicone breast implants. Implants are no longer
just visually appealing, but are also a "personal safety measure." 2003
2003 Overshadowing Lady Liberty, the Iraqi Information Minister becomes
the biggest boob anyone has ever seen.
(Thanx PinkVelvet)
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested to the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The Captain replied "Vietnam."
(Thanx Kally)
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
(Thanx Pink)
The Inland Revenue sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is
doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes" answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious
way ...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back
to the manufacturer and every now and then they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh", replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them
to the Inland Revenue".
"Inland Revenue!", questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue ..... and about once
a year they send us a little prick like you".
(Thanx Flower)
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea..... let's pretend we are married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
(Thanx Sedate)
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without
water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the
sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He
crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this
is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an ATO badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how it works. You have
three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an
ATO auditor."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were
rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
(Thanx Sedate)
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner... look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck, if he wants sex don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry he'll kill us both. Be strong honey, I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too."
(Thanx Sedate)
Testing the senses
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders
using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of
lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children tasted and replied: "Red... cherry", "Yellow.... lemon",
"Green... lime", "Orange... orange."
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After swishing these around in their mouths for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," the professor said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, coughed her honey Lifesaver onto the floor, and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!"
(Thanx Sedate)
Painless Birth
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
(Thanx Dee)
A woman goes to her doctor for a follow up visit after being prescribed
the male hormone testosterone. She admits that she's feeling a little worried
about some of the side-effects she is experiencing.
'Doctor, the hormone treatment's really helping, but I think you may
be giving me too much,' she says.'I've started growing hair in places where
I've never grown hair before.'
The doctor reassures her: 'A little growth is a perfectly normal side-effect
of testosterone. But tell me where the hair has appeared?'
'On my testicles' replies the lady,,'which is another thing I want
to talk to you about...'
(Thanx Dee)
Cardiologist Funeral
A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter! When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."
(Thanx Dee)
Usually everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or some such name. I called mine "SEX". ll Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day i took sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. a policeman came along and asked me what i was doing in an alley at 4 am in the morning. I said im looking for sex. My case comes up next Thursday.
One day i went to the town hall to get a dog licence for sex. The clerk asked me what i wanted. I told him i wanted a licence for sex. He said he would like to have one too. When I said but this is for a dog, he said he didnt care what she looked like. Then i said you dont understand Ive had sex since i was 2 years old. He replied you must have been a strong boy.
When i decided to get married I told the minister i wanted to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait till after the ceremony. I said but sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around sex. He said he didnt want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody coming to the wedding would enjoy having sex there. The next day we were married by a justice of the peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When i checked into the motel I told the clerk that i wanted a room for my wife and I and a special room for sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel is for sex. Then i said you dont understand sex keeps me awake all night. And the clerk said me too.
When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said your honour I had sex before i was married. And the judge said me too. When i told him that after i ws married sex had left me. He said me too.
Well now ive been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more damn trouble with that dog than i ever gambled for. Why just the other day when i went for my first psychiatrist she asked me: What seems to be the trouble, I replied well sex has died and left my life. Its like losing a best friend and its so lonely. The doctor looked at me and said mister you and I both know that sex is not mans best friend. SO GET YOURSELF A DOG.
(Thanx Dee)
Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their
position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera
for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.
Rodger's wife says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't
have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen
canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession
to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not
really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house
for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my
husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."
"Well," Rodger's wife says, " I also have a confession to make. Canary
number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
(Thanx Dee)
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are so cold". The mother replied, "Put them between your legs, you body heat will warm them up". So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said
"my hands are freezing cold".
The girl said "put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm them up". So he did and warmed his hands.
The next day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said my nose is cold. The girl replied "put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". So he did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was smiling when he got into the buggy with the daughter, and said "My penis is frozen solid".
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother "Have you ever heard of a Penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why yes, why do you ask?"
The daughter replies "Well they make one Hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they??"
(Thanx Dee)
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a 'Dear John' letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us
is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please
return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Ricky
(Thanx Dee)
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Steve throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"
Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket,
tell Jane somebody threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time.
"You simply reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My
God, you're disgusting! You simpleton!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit,
I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thissother guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin
hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks
for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he poooopt in my pants, too."
(Thanx Dee)
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he
stayed out the entire weekend, fishing with the boys and
spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday
night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged with a
tirade about his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply
said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
(Thanx Dee)
The new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post
in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched
up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept
there.
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men
here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... mmm .... urges.
That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with
his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring
the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands
on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When
he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the
camel into town where the girls are."
(Thanx Dee)
Jill walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.
"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "the gynecologist's office is one level higher."
To that Jill replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She
sits down at the bar next to a drunk.
The drunk rolls around, leans over, and "Splat!" He pukes all over
the dog.
The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"
(Thanx Petra)
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she
was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we
sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more
weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a
baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage
and said, "Cute little fart."
(Thanx Pink)
A Police officer pulls over a speeding car on the Gold Coast Freeway.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 130 kph. sir." The driver says,
"Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar needs
calibrating."
Not looking up from her magazine the wife says sweetly, "Now don't
be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glares at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit
woman, can't you keep your trap shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $100 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket."
The wife says, "Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F*#K UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's pissed."
(Thanx Dee)
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
her company...So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked
by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her......
He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
The old lady figured....WHAT THE HECK, she hadnt found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car...
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT
BE SORRY"...
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome
prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK...
AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO???????????
COME ON GUESS??????
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME O
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.................................
She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!
(Thanx Dee)
This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had
an affair with a woman...almost."
The priest says, "what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then
I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put
$50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I
saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said
it was the same as putting it in!"
(Thanx Dee)
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before
I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have
a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chiefs surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Rangers tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks Him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully dickhead, for the last time, I said, "Bring Posse!"
(Thanx TangerineStar)
The Horse Race
The Line up:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry
AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly slows,
Thighs weakens,
Heavy Bosom pulls up,
and Clean Sheets never had a chance
(Thanx Ms Pink)
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
(Thanx Dee)
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late
One night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"That's the talking clock" the drunk replied.
"How does it work?" they asked.
"Watch" the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fucks sake
you wanker, it's ten past three in the fucking morning."
(Thanx Dee)
The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the
ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white
man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You
have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that
it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to women."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
(Thanx Dee)
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their
ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have
married him anyway.
(Thanx Dee)
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient looking Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the young man.
"Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly", the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three Chinese
tortures of legend, the worst known to man".
"O.K." said the young man, and entered the house. Over dinner, the
daughter came down stairs. She was young, beautiful, had a cracking pair
of knockers and a body to die for. She was obviously begging for it from
the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the whole meal.
With great difficulty and remembering the old man's warning, he ignored
her blatant advances and went up to bed alone.
Trying to fall asleep, his raging hard-on told him he could bear it no longer and he sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep the shagging as quiet as possible so the old man wouldn't hear, and at dawn, he crept back to his bed, exhausted but happy.
He awoke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock lying on him with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1..large rock on Chest."
'Well, that's pretty shite', he thought. 'But if that's the best the
old man can do, then I don't have much to worry about.'
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder
out. As he did so, he noticed another note on the window frame that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle "
In a panic he glanced down and saw that the rope was already close to
becoming taut. Deciding that a few broken bones were
better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that
read:
"Chinese Torture 3 ..... Right testicle tied to bed post."
(Thanx Dee)
A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out
to the mall in search of one in her size.She entered an upscale department
store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAA-AAA-AAA
bra?"The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so Twiggy left the store
and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much
the same manner.After a third try at another department store in the mall,
she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching
up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling,
"Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
(Thanx Dee)
Bad Luck
This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's
been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting,
so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was
stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab
left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my
wife in bed with
the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting
an end to my Life, and you show up and drink the damn poison."
(Thanx Dee)
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning
and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water
was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there
were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored,
"I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . .You're simply going
through the change."
(Thanx Dee)
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This page last updated on 22nd May 2004