"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
(Thanx Dee)
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out $10. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet......
What could I do???? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went
home.
(Thanx Dee)
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!
(Thanx Dee)
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, so suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell the rest tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes
the car in the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and said,
"...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used
to do when Daddy was in the Army!"
(Thanx Dee)
An old lady was lonely so she decided to run an ad in the local paper:
"RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED"
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
(Thanx Dee)
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashierwalked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, "No,
no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
(Thanx Dee)
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Rhonda to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Rhonda used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Rhonda is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Rhonda on a daily basis.
I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows
better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My
purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort.
I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I
have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if
you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article,
I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause
of death is still under investigation.
(Thanx Dee)
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
(Thanx Dee)
A couple were invited to a swanky masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After some more to drink he whispered a little proposition n her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied,
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete,
Bill Brown and some other blokes, so we went into the spare room and played
poker all evening." Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "You must have
looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" The
husband responded, "Actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently
he had a whale of a time."
(Thanx Dee)
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shore of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled
and thought to herself: I don't f___ing think so!
2nd installment......
Once upon a time, a computer nerd was walking along the road when he heard a voice calling to him from from the verge. Looking down he saw, to his suprise, that he was being addressed by a small green frog. "Hello, small green frog" he said "what can I do for you?"
The frog replied, "Actually, I am a beautiful Princess, possessed of unimaginable wealth and stupendous sexual athleticism, who has been turned into a frog by a wicked witch. If you kiss me, I will revert to my human form and you can marry me, spend my money and engage in esoteric and exhausting sexual practices with me".
The nerd thought for a moment then, without kissing the frog, picked
it up and put it in his pocket. "Hey" cried a muffled voice "why won't
you kiss me?". The nerd thought for a moment and then replied "A beautiful
princess is OK, if you like that sort of thing, but a talking frog is cooooooool.................."
(Thanx Dee)
THE GREATEST COMEBACK.........
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
"Hello," says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob.
"Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car`s just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the steps and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."
"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 867-5309...?"
After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby."
What's wrong", the alarmed mother asked?
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my God, that's wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it
has a penis and a brain?!"
(Thanx Dee)
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But...Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so fu#king easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a fu#king Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet - we wanted to know something, we had to go to the fu#king library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! - and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the fu#king mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the fu#king record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talk over the beginning and fu#k it all up! You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or beat off to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalogue! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy $hit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 5 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! Remote, what remote?? You had to get off your fat ass and change the fu#king channel!!! CD's, DVD's, Webcams, Pentium IV What the FU#K is that??????
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what the hell I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy!
You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes
back in 1980!"
Kinda puts older age into perspective doesn't it?
(Thanx Dee)
I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about
five minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy,
how about giving a girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing
the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of
horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went
on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
(Thanx Dee & Ms Pink)
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like
a black man is beyond me."
(Thanx Dee)
80 year old Jill bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have wild sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Jill thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
(Thanx Dee)
OVERDUE
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're, going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "It's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
(Thanx Dee)
Little April, Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT
F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP
YOUR A*SE."
(Thanx Dee)
A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the male bus driver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the
bus driver!"
(Thanx Dee)
Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied,
''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''
Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied,
''Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''
''That, too, is horrible,'' said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.
His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...''
(Thanx Dee)
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"They won't let me fart."
(Thanx Dee)
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who
has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single
guys have?
Palm Sunday.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
the other?
A speech impediment.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the
cage, along with a recipe.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
(Thanx Dee)
This page last updated on 25th May 2003