Something New
Chapter 22
Something New
Chapter 22
Buffy finally figured out the demon, and it died. Well, she didn�t so much figure it out as she did cut off it�s head, and when it still kept trying to eat her, she kept dismembering it until she finally stabbed it�s kidney and it died, turning into a puddle of yellow ooze, like a broken yolk.
�That was the grossest thing ever.� Buffy muttered to herself, wiping off her hands with a sound of disgust, and picked up her ax, walking out of the cemetery to go back to the Magick Box.
The demon had slimed her skirt, and half of her homework paper, and she�d angrily gone home, changed and went out to hunt it down, after telling her mom to watch Jamie, of course. She couldn�t let an evil skirt-sliming demon live, it it went around attacking fashionable, helpless skirts for no reason except obvious seething jealously for her beautiful clothing and ability to accessorize.
Anyway, she had to talk to her boyfriend. New boyfriend (*squeal*). The demon interlude had lasted too long, and it was time she saw him, for the much-needed second act of making out with him ferociously, and being caught just before she nearly almost jumped his bones.
�Guys,� Buffy greeted, setting aside her ax. �Anything interesting?�
�Spike and Xander took Jamie on some sort of male bonding thing.� Willow said, clearly jealous. �And they won�t tell us what it is.�
�My evil plan.� Spike said. �And besides, it had to be postponed.�
�Due to rain?� Buffy asked.
�Meh. Lack of important money.� Spike replied. �And the Great Ape Overlord wouldn�t let me nick anything.�
�Good Xander.� Buffy decided. �I had to go hunt down an ugly demon that spat a loogie on me.� She got looks. �I changed my clothes and took a shower, of course.�
�Was it a big booger demon?� Jamie asked.
�Pft. Probably.� Buffy considered.�
�Are you sure it wasn�t a cow?�
Buffy laughed. �It probably was.�
�So�s the night safe from mutant cow boogers now?� Spike asked.
�Yup.� Buffy confirmed. �But the cow booger victims will never be the same. How are things here? The, uh, Initiative any less fuzzy?�
�No.� Willow frowned. �But we should try to investigate the area where the Initiative seems to be. But secretly. If they are government, I don�t wanna get shot.�
�Whatever would that do?�
Buffy turned around and Giles looked up, spotting Anya and a new woman walk through the door, if she could be called a woman. She had a strange red dress on, and her face was demonic, covered in veins.
�Xander,� Anya smiled proudly, holding the demon woman�s hand. �This is my best friend. Hallie! We go way back. We started a war, and killed thousands of innocent people, and guilty bastards! Oh, it was such fun!�
�Um, that�s nice, Ahn.� Xander said. �Um, so how are you dealing with that skin disease, Hallie?�
�Silly Xander,� Anya smiled. �Hallie doesn�t have a skin disease. She�s a vengeance demon. That�s our natural form. Like when vamps get all bumpy? She�s considered the most beautiful of the vengeance demons.�
�Oh, Anyanka,� Halfrek laughed. �Don�t flatter me so. We both know that when you were still a demon, you were the fairest of them all. Tell me, dear, how is the mortal life?�
�Oh, okay, I suppose.� Anya said. �Fortunately for me, I still do have a long, bountiful life in front of me before I get old and start to rot. And did you see Xander? I love his large upper arms. Many of the males in this species have them, and those who don�t, don�t attract nearly as many mates. It�s a very good quality to have. And he�s very handsome, too! And great in bed.�
�Anya,� Xander cried.
�But he�s very sensitive.� Anya added with a pout. �Humans are so secretive.�
�They feel a strong need for personal privacy.� Halfrek agreed with a playful laugh. �But you are incredibly lucky to find a man so charming. Give me a chant as soon as he breaks your heart.�
�Hallie,� Anya scolded. �Even if Xander and I did break up, I wouldn�t maim or kill him. I might inflict a disease on him, if he cheated on me, but it all depends. It�s very hurtful for you to say these things in front of my friends. Humans have very sensitive ears. And feelings. You never know if what you say will make them upset or not. They just don�t find death and chaos as amusing as we do. They�re too wrapped up in their own personal lives, only caring about themselves. They don�t see the irony in warfare.�
�I do.� Spike objected.
Halfrek looked at him, and Anya noticed her stare.
�That�s Spike.� Anya explained. �He�s a vampire, and he thinks he�s still a badass. But he is extremely attractive and has large upper arms, and vampires are known for their sexual promiscuity.� Anya glared at Spike. �Butt out of this conversation, vampire. Can�t you see it�s private?�
�Clearly.� Spike retorted. �And I am not promiscuous.�
Halfrek�s eyes widened, and she curled a smile. �I know that, William. You�ve always been pathetically monogamous.�
Spike looked at her, squinting, and she shifted into her human guise, which was far more pleasing than her demon form.
�Dear sweet William. However did you survive for a century? I was certain that you were gone when we put your lifeless body in the ground, but surely death must have overlooked you. Vampire. I should�ve looked back on that and realized. But I never knew little William would grow up to be a warrior.�
Spike tilted his head, studying her and her words, then realized eyes widening. �Cecily? What happened to you?�
�I was offered a job by D�hoffryn, and now I serve justice for wronged women.�
�That�s very noble of you.� Spike snickered. �What inspired the big change?�
�Must�ve been when we found your lifeless form and I touched your cold hands.� Cecily replied.
�Only time you ever touched me, then.� Spike said. �Shed a few tears I hope?�
�A deal more.� Cecily admitted. �The balls just weren�t the same without you there to twitter about nervously with your pen and pad and make us laugh.�
Spike tightened his jaw. �Least I wasn�t being a whore, flirting with every partygoer.�
�You�ve grown bold since I last encountered you.� Halfrek said, amused. �You wouldn�t even raise your voice to a challenge before. Now you raise your fists?�
�People change in a hundred years.�
�Yes. And you�ve hardly changed at all, but you�ll spar with anyone who dares invoke you. I�m terribly sorry, sweet William. Do I still strike a heartstring?�
�My strings belong to someone else.� Spike replied, picking up James into his lap.
Halfrek snorted. �I think you�re still spouting off fanciful verse.�
�Then you need to get something else to think about.� Spike said. �I don�t play that anymore, it died with the very thought of you, and that flame extinguished before mine was snuffed out. Don�t flatter yourself, Cecily. I didn�t entertain the thought of you for a century. I didn�t even write a sad little bit about it. I burned it all, and I joined my new unlife happily.�
�As William the Bloody.� Halfrek said. �Yes, I should�ve known that was you. Drusilla, wasn�t it? Kept you as a nice little minion to warm her bed.�
�I was never a minion.� Spike snarled. �Fourth descendant of the Master? Bloodline of Aurelius? That�s pure royalty in the vampire life, luv. I was Angelus� right-hand.�
�Isn�t he the one that�s saving lives now?� Halfrek asked.
�Yup. The old poof.� Spike confirmed. �And I�m a step up on him. All soulless and still protecting the world from mutant cow boogers.� He looked at James, then back at Halfrek. �Takes guts.�
�You�re a social outcast.� Halfrek condemned, looking around at the group. �You�re hopeless. Your friends are your own bane. You should�ve joined me decades ago. You�d be better off than this Hellmouth, without a single one of your own clan who can still stand you.�
�I like roughing it.�
�Teenaged humans.� Halfrek said in disgust. �Maybe you finally found a decade that�ll put up with you. You�re just far too virginal and shy.�
�Uh, hello?!� Buffy waved a hand. �I wouldn�t call Spike �virginal�, that�s for sure. I mean, if you were to ask me, since I do know him. And �shy�? �Good�? Do you realize how many times I had to kick his ass before he stopped trying to kill me and my friends? Sure, he�s good now, but it took a spell and a son just to tame him, so don�t talk about how he was a hundred years ago.�
Halfrek glared at Buffy dangerously, then Spike. �Who�s this wench?�
�Buffy.� Spike replied. �The Vampire Slayer. Must�ve seeped into the demon world by now that we�re working together? An item? Spike and Buffy, Buffy and Spike, �sgot a touch of old class elegance, doncha think? Should�ve seen the almost-wedding.�
Halfrek sniffed. �She�s mortal. What will you do when she dies? What will happen when one is murdered, or another falls of disease, or accident?�
Spike stood up, summoning some strength to push aside that thought. �I prefer not to think of such dark, ugly business at all. Now, Cecily. Hell-fleck. I suggest you leave before I�m forced to do something rather rash.�
�Like what? Read another one of your dreadful poems?�
Spike leaned forward to her, whispering loudly, �It wasn�t quite finished. Give me another century.�
�You won�t last another century.�
�I wouldn�t want to.� Spike retorted. ��Cept maybe out of curiosity. But I know I�ll last longer than you ever will.�
�That�s a very brave prediction.�
�Well it�s actually not, �cause if you don�t leave in the next five seconds, I�ll have to kill you. Seeing how, me being all virginal and good and righteous and all the shit, I can�t overlook the presence of a demonic bitch who kills men by the thousands.�
Halfrek stepped back, and Spike smirked.
�Come on, Cess. You must�ve heard all the tales. How I killed two Slayers without even a mortal wound? Most vampires are beaten to messes. Funny thing about Slayers, they don�t just go at it, they try to get the heart or head, or not at all. Now these generations are quite a bit smarter, and so are you, cause more bitches are. But think for a second, how fast you�d be having mortal wounds galore with me, ex-killer turned on the side of righteousness, and with this Slayer, who even managed to beat me into submission? I know that a good stake or sword in the heart wouldn�t kill you, but you�d be out of it just long enough, be still just long enough to fully dismember you. And if you think I�ve ever daydreamed about you, it wasn�t about warming your bed, so much as it would be cutting off your limbs. So just tell me again, right now, exactly what you *think* I am, and I will see how my little daydream plays to reality. And you know, reality is always better than fantasy.�
Halfrek looked at Anya, who was looking helpless, and then glared at Spike. �I�m only leaving because I�m being summoned. If you want to fight, I�ll kill you upright.�
�Nice to see you again, too, Miss Underwood.�
Halfrek bit back a snarky reply and teleported out of the place before the crazy vampire could attack her.
�Well that was as fun as a root canal.� Spike said with a shudder, turning to smile at Buffy. �But did you see her face? She was pissed off.�
�And you seem� giddy as a school girl.� Buffy said.
�Yeah, well you try dealing with that bitch all of your mortal life.� Spike retorted. �Finally got to tell her off.�
�I hope you�re happy.� Anya sniffed. �Hallie is my best friend, and you�re really putting me in an awkward position now that you hate her. I can�t believe you knew her before I did. I didn�t know she was British.�
�Honestly, Spike.� Giles sighed. �You socialize with the oddest people.�
�Well she was only rich and pretty in my time.� Spike defended. �Didn�t know that she would grow up to be a disfigured thing that kills men with a passion. Glad I didn�t marry her.�
�Marry?!� Buffy screeched. �Marry her?! You were going to marry her?! HER?!�
�I was only 19.� Spike objected. �Course she was 24. And what was it? You were 16 and peaches was 250.�
�Angel�s not that old.� Buffy protested. �And I was young. What�s that got to do with you being a hormonal teenager? �Oh.�
�S�alright that you�re jealous, pet.�
�I AM NOT JEALOUS!�
�But do you really think you even compare to her?� Spike finished. �I mean, she wasn�t even that pretty to begin with. And when I tried to ask her hand, she turned out to be a royal bitch.�
�Stop kissing girls.� James complained loudly. �You probably have cooties now.�
�Spike got disinfected for cooties.� Buffy assured James. �He doesn�t have any Cecily cooties.�
�I didn�t even kiss her.� Spike replied. �That would be absurd, and the world would end.�
�Did Ci- Cessly get attacked by the mutant cow booger monster?� James asked. �I don�t like her. She smelt like an old shoe.�
Anya huffed. �That�s the most fabulous perfume in the demon world.�
�Well it�s stinky.� James retorted.
�It�s a special herb ointment that attracts good fortune to you.� Anya defended.
�But it reeks like an old fart.�
�Listen here, you little twerp! That kind of delicious fragrance can�t even register with you because you�re only four and you don�t understand good taste!�
�I�m six!� James asserted. �And it�s not my fault that old peoples think that smelling like a goat is cool. It�s not! It�s smells like a skunk attackled her.�
�Well � well, your mother dresses you funny.� Anya blurted.
�Anya!� Buffy cried.
�I-I�m sorry.� The ex-demon stammered. �He tricked me. Spike, don�t sic your little minions on me.�
�He�s not a minion.� Spike said sorely, scooping James up. �He�s the fifth descendant of the Master, and the first Slayer-vampire hybrid.�
�Well he�s a pain.� Anya said. �You should consider rabies shots. At least teach him a little about the demon culture.�
�My mommy is pretty.� James said firmly. �Cessly is a goat-shoe lady.�
�Anya, just let it go, he�s only six.� Buffy sighed. �He�ll just keep talking, even if he�s loosing.�
�So will Anya.� Xander said, taking his girlfriend to his side. �Stand down, sweetie, let�s not make a war about this.�
�He thinks he can get away with this because he�s small and he�s only been alive for a few months.� Anya said. �Well that�s no excuse!�
�But I�m cute, too.� James added. �And evil.�
�Not evil.� Buffy corrected firmly.
�Grr, argh!� James cried, trying to make monster claws.
�Save the �grr�s to someone who can pull it off.� Spike said, fixing James in his arms so he couldn�t look at Anya.
�Aw, but he makes it cute.� Willow said.
�Yeah, why don�t I just go do that thing that involves holding James in a tub of water?� Spike asked.
�You can try.� James retorted.
�You mean a bath?� Buffy asked. �I think he just got one.�
�I think he needs another.�
�How about I put you into a bubble bath?� James asked Spike.
�Early bedtime it is, brat.�
�I�ll disregard that as the cooties affecting your brain cells.�
�And I�ll disregard that as you needing more sleep at night.� Spike returned. �Ta.�
�Wait, I�ll come with.� Buffy said. �James can be tricky. You don�t wanna let him run away. Sometimes when he�s cranky, it�s like trying to wash a cat. All claws and fur flying. Water, anyway. It gets messy. Fighting an apocalypse is easier than trying to get him to do something he doesn�t want to.�
�Uh, that was meaning alone.�
�Shut up, Spike. My sister would be there, too, so don�t pull that crap. Do you want me to kick your ass again?�
�Is there a particular reason why I love you?�
�Cause you�ve got some strange fetish for girls that are stronger than you and can beat you into submission?� Buffy guessed.
�See, I wasn�t even aware of that-�
�Well it�s really obvious to me.� Buffy replied. �Come on; toddler to be bathed and put to bed.�
�No Initiative whereabouts?�
�I thought you didn�t care.�
�I care � I just don�t wanna hang out here every day.� Spike said.
�Nothing yet.� Willow told him. �But we�d let you know.�
�Come on. You hold him still and I�ll get him with the washcloth.� Buffy opted. �See how it takes two super heroes to wash one bitty boy?�
�I am not bitty! I�m small-boned!�
�Oh, sorry. Vertically challenged, size-sensitive six year old.� Buffy corrected.
�Hm.� Willow laughed, amused. �Two short people. I mean, short-ish. Since Spike is a good height, but most guys are taller than him, and everyone is taller than Buffy.�
Buffy made a noise of disgust. �Even Dawn is taller than me.�
�Sorry, short stuff.� Spike told James. ��Sides, It�s not so great to be tall.�
�Yeah it is! You can reach the cookie jar!�
�You�ll be able to reach the cookie jar when you�re older.� Spike assured him, ready to go. �And you�ll only grow if you�re submerged in water on a regular basis. Otherwise you�ll be waist high forever.�
�Forever?� James� eyes widened.
�Forever and ever and ever.� Spike confirmed. �You�ll never grow past my belly button.�
�Don�t tease him.� Buffy scolded. �Otherwise, I�ll throw you in the tub, Mr.�
�You can try.� Spike retorted.
�Put him in the tub.� James encouraged.
�You�ll both be in the tub in a minute.�
*****
�Aw, come on.�
�Don�t �aw� me.� Buffy said firmly. �I can kick your ass, remember?�
�Might have to.�
�Just wash him up, it�s not so hard.� Buffy said. �Don�t be so effeminate that you can�t even wash your own son.�
�I�m not effeminate.�
�Well you certainly are shy and virginal, aren�t you, Spike?� Buffy teased. �It�s not like you haven�t seen anyone naked before.�
�It�s not like I spent one hundred years doing nothing but shagging everything.� Spike retorted heatedly. �And I really still think this is illegal somewhere.�
�Sure. In some countries you�re only allowed on bath per season.� Buffy said. �As for what you�re thinking, he�s your son. Your blood. You made him, too, not just me. So it�s perfectly fine for you to bathe him, for crying out loud. You�re not gonna be put in jail for washing your own son.�
�No, but there�s such thing as universal punishment.�
�You mean karma?�
�No. Never get anything good for being good, you just get punished for being bad.�
�Maybe in your case.� Buffy said.
Spike wet his hands and grabbed the shampoo, scrubbing James� hair.
�Ow! You�re too rough, you big dummy!� James cried.�
�Don�t talk to me like that.� Spike said, more gently smoothing out his son�s hair.
�Well you are.� James grumbled. �And shampoo is gross. I don�t wanna smell like a girl.�
�Too late for that.� Spike remarked.
�Only if smelling like a girl means that you�re not all dirty and gross.� Buffy said.
�Girls are gross.� Spike and James said in unison.
�Hmph.� Buffy looked at Spike. �Think you would�ve outgrown that by now.�
�Don�t assume so much about me.� Spike warned. �Just when you think you know me, I change my image for the next decade.�
�What are you doing for the new millennia?�
�Gonna dye my hair blue, I suppose.�
�Dye it green!� James cried, getting Spike wet with soapy water. �Cow booger green!�
�Mutant cow booger green?�
�Yeah!� James cheered.
�How about you dye your hair green when you turn 18.� Spike suggested.
�That�ll take forever.� James stressed. �I�m not gonna be able to get as old as you guys in a zillion bajillion years!�
�Hey,� Spike and Buffy protested indignantly.
�S�not my fault you gots to see the sun get turned on a gabazillion years ago. It�s a very big light bulb. Daddy, how did they get it up there so high?� he asked in an astonished little voice.
�It�s not a light bulb,� Spike said. �You know fires? Matches? My lighter?�
�Yeah?�
�It�s a big ball of fire.� Spike said. �Burning so hot that you can�t get anywhere near it, cause anything that tried would get so hot that it would incinerate.�
�What does that mean?�
�It means� well, when something catches on fire, it turns to ashes. Like wood, right?�
�Yeah.�
�Well the sun is so hot that that would happen, but instantly, and there wouldn�t even be ashes left.� Spike explained. �The sun�s temperature is 6000 degrees Celsius.�
�Whoa!�
�Yeah, whoa.� Spike nodded. �But it�s not just a big floating ball of fire, it�s actually a star, like those little dots you see at night. Those at stars, but they�re billions of miles away. The sun is just a bigger star, and it�s the closet to earth, only 93 million miles away. It�s like a big ball of compressed gas, stuff that fire can burn on, and it�s so hot that it can still warm our planet just right from so far away.�
�Wow.� James was wide-eyed. �How big is a mile?�
�Five thousand, two hundred and eighty feet.� Spike replied, holding his hands twelve inches apart. �And this is one foot. Now add another and another and another��
�That�s too far away,� James said, unable to begin to imagine five thousand feet, much less 93 million miles.
�Yeah, it�s insane.� Spike agreed. �The solar system is infinitely large.�
�If the sun is so hot, why don�t the clouds melt?� James asked, puzzled.
Spike laughed. �No, that�s a different thing altogether. They�re not even solid. They�re only a few miles or so above the ground, and still in our atmosphere.�
�What�s an atmosphere?�
�It�s like a bubble of air that surrounds our earth.� Spike replied. �And every living thing needs air to live. Clouds are made of water that evaporated in the sun. When a puddle disappears after rain, it�s usually partly because some of the water turned to vapor. It turned into the air, and went up in the sky. Then when there�s a lot of vapor, it sticks together, into droplets, and you can see a cloud. They keep forming, and then gravity makes rain fall to the earth.�
�What�s gravity?�
�The force that keeps you on the ground, and this water in the tub.� Spike replied, taking the opportunity to splash more water over James while he talked, and the toddler was quiet, trying to picture all of this. �If I shoved you, you�d fall. You�ll understand this better when you start school. Gravity exists �cause the planets spin in outer space. They�re like big balls of rock, and in space there�s no air, and there�s no gravity, so you wouldn�t be able to live there, but if you went on a space ship, you�d float in mid-air.�
�Cool!� James cried, more enthused now.
�Yup.� Spike nodded. �It may be a little hard for you to grip right now, but your teachers will make it more clear.�
�School sounds kind of cool.�
�Some of it�s neat.� Spike decided. �Art�s fun, bet you�d do great in gym, and science can be interesting, depending on how your teacher tells you about it. Just do good in math, �cause it�s the most important subject they teach you.�
�What�s math all about?�
�Erm� well, it has to do with numbers, and adding numbers and taking numbers away, but I won�t stress you with that right now.� Spike said. �I flunked the more advanced math. Still have to use a calculator when I multiply anything bigger than two digits.�
�How do you add?�
�Well� � Spike washed behind James� ears carefully. �If you had one apple, and some pretty girl gave you another apple, how many apples would you have?�
�Two apples.� James said after a moment. �Two icky cootie infected apples.�
�Right. In basic math you only have to worry about adding and subtracting, then you�ll get into multiplication and division, number lines, fractions, decimals, multiples, factors, and a whole bunch of stuff that even I can�t figure out. Not that it�s hard, but I just couldn�t focus enough. Schools are much less boring these days. Teachers aren�t so vicious.�
�I don�t know what any of that means.�
�That�s okay,� Spike assured. �It only sounds complicated, because it�s big words that you�ve never heard before. Once you get into school, it won�t seem that hard. And you don�t do it all at once. You go up a little at a time, and when you finally get how to do it, it�s very simple to you.�
�Tell me something else.�
�About what?�
�About where babies come from.�
Spike froze, feeling caught. �Babies come from kissing girls.�
�Eww,�
�They grow in their mommies� tummies - and that�s all you need to know!�
�Eww!� James repeated. �Maybe I don�t wanna know.�
�Maybe when you�re older.� Spike considered.
�Girls are icky.�
�I�ll remind you about that on your wedding day.� Spike teased.
�EWWW!!�
�Oh, shush.� Spike rolled his eyes, making sure to get the shampoo out of James� hair.
�Tell me more about the� solar system.�
�Sorry, pet, if I keep talking you�re gonna be a prune.� Spike said, draining out the tub and wrapping a towel around him.
�Later?� James asked hopefully. �You�re really smart.�
�Don�t spread rumors like that.� Spike scolded teasingly, drying off James� hair with the towel, and then scooped him up, not even noticing that Buffy had left the bathroom.
He brought James to Buffy�s room, toweling him off and finding a set of small clothes, helping James put on his shirt.
�I still don�t really get it.�
�Don�t worry, pet. You will.� Spike assured, kissing his messy, damp hair. �Huh. Think you might need a haircut soon.�
�A what?�
�Just a few snips to keep your hair looking neat.� Spike said.
�Does that hurt?�
�Of course not. It�s only hair. You can�t feel your hair. Trying pinching your hair compared to your arm. You can�t feel your hair. It�s meant to be cut.�
�Okay.� James agreed. �When?�
�I�ll mention it to Buffy.� Spike decided, now wondering where she�d run off to.
James frowned as Spike had somehow managed to get him into a situation where he was being tucked in before he knew it. �Mommy�s s�posed to kiss me goodnight.�
�I�ll tell her to come up.� Spike promised, kissing his hair. �Luv you, munchem.�
�I love you, too.� James said, not so energetic from thinking of Spike�s words, and instinctively snuggling up and reaching for Mr. Gordo.