Something New
Chapter 21
Something New
Chapter 21
�Spike,� Willow finally nudged the vampire awake, and he sat up, immediately mortified at having fallen asleep in the Magick Box.
�I�m not redoing the shelves.� He said.
�No, they�re fine.� Willow said. �The sun�s setting, is all.�
�Oh. Right, I�ll shove off.� Spike said, looking about and finding his coat, picking it up to leave.
Giles handed Spike his pay. �For helping out today, and not being as much as a nuisance as you were in my tub.�
�Right.� Spike pocketed the money without counting.
�Spike,� Willow interrupted. �Did you and Buffy�? You two really did kiss?�
�Yeah.� Spike ducked his head. �But that�s all. Don�t let Dawn tell you any tall tales. I still sleep in the basement, after all, and not on a pillow next to her or nothin� that you�re dreaming up.�
�No, probably not.� Willow agreed. �But you�d better not hurt Buffy in any way. Or else I will beat you to death with a shovel. Sorry. Just remember that, Mr.�
�If I upset her, I�d probably let you.� Spike replied. �But until then, I�d better go get a nice blood packet before someone starts looking tastey.�
�Well don�t bite me!� Willow squeaked.
�You are tasty, but I wouldn�t loose my dust for you.� Spike assured.
�What�s that supposed to mean?� Willow pouted. �I�m not good enough?�
�Daddy!� Spike was attacked by a three-foot-tall little monster, that clung to his legs, then pulled on his duster curiously.
�Hey, munchem.� Spike knelt to address James, planting a kiss on his blonde hair that smelt of fresh shampoo. �Mm. Someone force you into the tub?�
�I was taken hostaged.� James said, and Spike chuckled.
�Sorry to disrupt.� Joyce said, and smiled at Giles, who immediately blushed and removed his glasses, actually checking them for spots.
�No trouble, Joyce.� Spike said. �Is the blonde huntress near?�
�Hm. No.� Joyce said. �Being huntress and all, she�s hunting. Apparently a demon ate her homework, or something like that. I don�t think she�ll be getting it back.�
�Slimy demon?� Willow asked.
�I don�t quite know.� Joyce confessed. �But she�ll be back at nightfall, here, with Dawn, and I have to go. It�s my night out, after all. This old lady has to get her �groove� on, too, after all. I hope it�s not a trouble to watch Jamie.�
�Never.� Spike assured, readily fixing James� hair so it didn�t lay flat.
�James is cute.� Willow added. �He livens the place up. As long as he doesn�t break anything.�
�Yeah, pet. Break something and you�ll go to bed extra early tonight.� Spike said.
James pouted. �You don�t even trust me.�
�You�re only six.� Spike pointed out.
�Be good for Spike and Willow and Mr. Giles.� Joyce said to James, kissing his cheek. �I know you can be a terror.� She straightened up and picked up her purse. �Well I�d best be going. Have a good night, William, Willow and Rupert.�
�Night Miss. Summers.� Willow and Giles said together.
Spike waited until Joyce had left, then giggled at Giles. �Rupert.�
�Don�t be a prat, William.� Giles retorted, trying to cover his embarrassment by pretending to sort papers at the counter.
�I don�t care what you two call each other for pet names.� Spike said. �Just as long as it isn�t �Ruppie, darling-�� Spike ducked at a pencil thrown at his head and hugged James with a look of outrage. �Hey, don�t set a bad example for the Childer!�
�You like Joyce?� Willow realized, confirmed when Giles looked down again, blushing. �Oh, that�s great! Wait, doesn�t that� no, that would work. But it would make Spike your son-in-law, technically. But it�s so great, since you�re already like the closet thing Buffy has to a father, and you�re kinda the closet thing I have for a father, too, and Buffy and I are almost like sisters, so then I really would be almost like Jamie�s aunt, and so would Tara, and we could all be a happy family. That�s so cool. And Xander is practically my brother, and it would be a whole not-actually-a-family, family, but if you and Joyce got married and even if Spike and Buffy just dated, I�d still kind of be like her sister. That�s so cool.�
�Sure.� Spike shrugged indifferently, sitting back down and letting James sit in his lap and feel the leather of his coat.
�Joyce is a very fine, independent woman.� Giles said. �And I respect and admire her.�
�And it helps that you think she�s gorgeous.� Willow smiled.
�Well, I-I won�t deny that.� Giles confessed.
�Good for you, Rup.� Spike smirked. �Now you just gotta kiss her. Have you kissed her?�
�Er� n-no. Only once. Or twice. Under the influence of a spell. The chocolate bars.�
�Oh, yeah.� Willow remembered.
�Geez, another spell.� Spike shook his head. �Anyone wanna put the training wheels back on the witch?�
�Hey.� Willow protested indignantly. �That wasn�t me. That was some wizard or something. The chocolate made everyone act like teenagers. So, uh, it didn�t affect us, but Joyce and Giles were totally different.�
�Hey, go Watcher.� Spike chuckled. �Knew you weren�t the buttons type. Too rough for that, eh?�
�It was quite awkward.� Giles said. �I�d rather not try to �make a move� on Joyce after that. I�m sure she�s still mortified.�
�That was last year.� Willow protested.
�Yeah. And didju see the way she looked at you?� Spike snickered. �She�s not gonna care about some candy bringing that out. Not if you like her still and would�ve with or without the candy. I�m sure your trip through time was just groovy.�
�Actually, Spike, they didn�t go back in time or think they did.� Willow corrected. �Joyce still remembered Buffy and Giles still remembered that he was her Watcher, they all just acted like hormonal sixteen-year-olds. It was utter chaos.�
�Hey. Cheers Watcher.�
�I hated that.� Giles shuddered. �I�d never want to be a teenager again. Twenty or so, perhaps, but not sixteen.�
�Bummer, huh?� Spike asked. �Lucky me I got turned when no one would question my age for drinking.�
�And lucky you, you won�t have to worry about that, because Jamie likes you better sober.� Willow said sternly.
�Well I�m not drinking now.� Spike defended.
�What�s this made of?� James asked, still curiously feeling the leather coat.
�The things that go �moo�.� Spike replied.
�Spike!� Willow complained.
�What?� Spike shrugged. �They take a cow, kill it by bashing in it�s head with a hammer, cut it open, skin it and use the skin to make a leather coat like this. Then they cut off all the meat inside and that gets ground up into hamburgers, they cut off the hooves for table legs, the horns for a nice coat rack, the tongue can be used for certain spells, the brain is a delicacy, or a science project in the making, and dogs enjoy chewing on some of the bones.�
�Cool!� James lit up. �Cow brains.�
�See?�
�That�s gross, Spike.� Willow made a face. �They don�t kill it with a hammer.�
�I haven�t even told him what happens to veal.� Spike said.
Willow gasped. �The poor baby cows.�
�Cows are grown to be fatten and hit in the head with a hammer.� Spike said. �Not to be kept as pets.�
�But cows are cute.� Willow defended. �And they could be milked, too. They don�t have to be bludgeoned to death by Neanderthal men and hung up on meat hooks.�
�Only when they get old and milk less.� Spike smirked. �And the bulls make nice big steaks.�
�Be quiet!� Willow scolded, and covered James� ears. �You�re just a mean old man.�
�What?� Spike chuckled. �At least they taste good.�
�But you�re mean to the cows.�
�They�re only sodding cows.� Spike rolled his eyes.
�Cows are people too!�
�If cows were people we wouldn�t eat them three meals a day.�
�If cows were people you *would* eat them three meals a day!�
�Well, duh, carnivore here!�
*****
James waited five minutes for Willow and Spike to stop arguing, then finally dropped off of his father�s lap, annoyed. �Cows are stupid.�
Willow stopped in mid-sentence.
�Ha.� Spike smirked triumphantly. �See?�
�And people are dumberer if they sit and argue that cows have feelings.� James added. �Aren�t cows those big fat things that just stand there all day long and eat grass? Grass is gross. I don�t even wanna eat cows anymore.�
�But cows are an important food group.� Spike frowned.
�Well they�re dumb.� James said. �And they smell funny, too. Why do you two even care to fight about a big old boogery animal?�
Spike and Willow looked at each other and he immediately shrugged off his coat, putting it aside. �I don�t care.�
�We weren�t fighting.� Willow tried to justify. �We were just� having a spirited debate.� She gingerly patted Spike�s shoulder. �No hard feelings if some of us are block-headed Neanderthals who need to stop skewering everything to see if it�s tasty.�
Spike gave her a look. �Or if some of us are too New-Aged and full-on with the hippie animal rights movement. If the cows are gonna just stand there, they might as well be eaten. Why do you think there are so many?�
�But what about the cows� families?� Willow protested. �There are baby cows that won�t have a mommy cow.�
�They make sure that the baby cow grows up first.� Spike pointed out. �Or they turn it into veal. If the cows had any feelings other than what you put in those big dumb glossy eyes of theirs, don�t you think they�d have enough consciousness to fight us? But they don�t.�
�I�m pretty sure they do when a big butcher comes walking up and stabs one of them.� Willow said. �Or when the other cows go to the slaughter house.�
�Face it, Red. They just don�t care, no matter how many hippies try to free them. The veal, given, is cruel, sure. But what are we gonna eat if the big stupid animals are allowed to live and crap all over the place? It�s not like we can co-exist with them and marry them or anything like that. And nobody likes old diseased hamburger. Not like they�d legalize us to eat Chinese people, even if there is a massive overpopulation of them. They have families and feelings and consciousness. The only thing cows worry about is whether or not they have enough grass, or if they�re going to have to take another step.�
�You�re just criticizing me because I�m a lesbian, so you automatically assume that I�m a hippie Wiccan, too, and that I�m a freaky vegetarian person who cries at the thought of killing little animals.�
�Actually I just think that you�re a girl who thinks those little fuzzy animals are too cute to die, and you�d protest it all the way unless we offered you the animal stuffed.�
�Stuffed animals aren�t actually the animal skins!� Willow cried.
�Well they used to be!� Spike retorted. �Cows are not that pretty, or cute, or whatever it is you think they are. They are smelly, they crap everywhere and all they do all day long is chew their cud, flick their tails and moo.�
�You just don�t like cows.�
�Damn right I don�t like cows. I don�t give a twit about them. If they weren�t meant to be eaten, then why did God make them so damn full of meat, leather, milk and make them easy to kill?�
�That�s mean.�
�Well, that�s your opinion.�
�Will you both please shut up about the bloody cows?� Giles asked, irritated.
Spike did his best to look ashamed. �Sorry, Rup.�
�And don�t call me Rup.�
�Hello, Rupert!� Xander grinned, entering the Magick Box. �Geez, poor Jamie. Did you get stuck babysitting Spike tonight?�
�Yeah,� James said, looking at Spike and Willow distastefully. �Willow likes cows.�
�As a pet.� Spike added, giving her a look.
�Spike said that cows get killed by someone beating them over the head with a hammer.� Willow said emotionally. �And then they get chopped up.�
�Spike,� Xander sighed. �You�re not supposed to say manly secrets around emotional women. We�ve spent years convincing them that the cows are pampered and worshipped, then bathed, laid on a silk pillow and gently smothered to death with a cloth covered in chloroform.�
�Xander,� Willow cried.
�I�m only kidding.� Xander said. �I�m pretty sure they just dope up the cows and cut their heads off. The big steer�s heads can be sold as wall mounts.�
�Ohh,� Willow whimpered and looked down, trying to blot out the new imagery.
�If it�s any difference, whether the cows are decapitated or hit with a hammer, I�m pretty sure they die the first time.� Xander said. �So they don�t feel much.�
�Actually, I think they shoot them.� Spike said. �The hammer�s just to make sure. Or if they need the tasty brains tenderized.�
�Spike, shut up.� Xander said as Willow whimpered again.
�What? Isn�t it better to get shot than hit in the head with a hammer? And they have big heads, too.�
�That�s enough with the cows.� Giles snapped. �Bring up a new subject.�
�How about shark soup?� Spike offered.
�How about �no�?� Willow gave Spike a warning glare. �Where�s Anya?�
�She�s coming later tonight.� Xander answered. �Meeting me here with a friend of hers. Why�s Spike here so early? The sun�s just setting.�
�He worked here today.� Giles replied. �He�ll be doing that more in the fall.�
�Oh. Hey, Spike�s joining the working crowd? Neat.� Xander said. �But if he starts smuggling Weetabix� bad vampire.�
Spike sighed, trying to figure out a way to bear with these people until Buffy got back, which was most likely hours from then. �Hey, Xander. Wanna do something?�