Something New
Chapter 17
Something New
Chapter 17
�Help. My back is gonna break.� Buffy squeaked.
Spike tisked, lifting up the backpack to let her shimmy out. �Aren�t you the Slayer, or have you been dodging training for some time?�
�It�s not my fault that all of the books weigh twenty pounds each and that these backpacks aren�t very therapeutic.� Buffy made a face, rubbing her shoulders. �I hate backpacks. Why do I have to start actually studying for tests now?�
�Well, you could either put the purpose of a library to good use or just not do the homework.� Spike suggested, giving her the bloated backpack.
�I can�t study at the library. I like to see my family. My mom, my son, my sister, � you, if you wanna be technical.�
�Oh, Slayer, I�m touched.� Spike let a smile flicker on his lips despite his sarcasm.
�Well, you are father to my one and only child.� Buffy said. �And it�s not like you�re homely and utter failure. Handsome and effeminate, perhaps-�
�Carry your own bag.� Spike said, tempted to drop it on her head but walked away.
�I�m kidding, Spike. Actually, I�m not. But it�s a nice quality. Really.�
Spike stopped, folding his arms. �No it isn�t.�
�Yes it is.� Buffy reassured.
Spike�s voice lowered. �Not really.�
�Its kind of sexy.� Buffy confess tantalizingly. �You�re strong and brave and then you can just relate to people and talk about things and most guys wouldn�t even bother to be like you and do all the things you do. You play with James and entertain Dawn and you get along just fine with my mother and most guys don�t know what the difference is between a pedicure and a manicure. And it�s good to be well-rounded. Makes girls like you better. But you�re not wussy, not by a long shot. You�re just, and may I burn in hell for saying this, but you�re sweet to people you wanna be sweet to.�
�You really think so?�
*****
�No!�
�Spike,� Buffy complained again. �It�s easier to get Jamie to finish all of his vegetables. Come on, don�t be such a baby. It�s not that bad. And you�ll leave when I let you.�
�Why don�t you just put a collar on me that say�s �Slayer�s slave�?�
�Fine.� Buffy pulled the blue collar out of her backpack and put it on Spike�s neck before he could yank it off. �Don�t even dare. Remind me to write those words on it later.�
�I�m not wearing this inside.�
�Then I�ll tie you to a lamppost.� Buffy shrugged. �Make your choice.�
Spike huffed, trying to pull at the collar, but unable to figure out the mechanisms. �You gotta be kidding me.�
�I�ll let you skip patrol for a couple nights. Just sit still and be good and it won�t jingle.� Buffy grinned at the thought and flicked the bell, giggling to herself. �Come along, slave.�
Spike growled in annoyance but allowed himself to be pulled inside, trying not to jingle all the way by putting up his hand to silence the bell.
�Sorry guys.� Buffy said, biting back her comment about how hard it is to drag a vampire all the way to the Magick Box. �Have we figured out anything?�
�I�m sorry, Buffy.� Willow said sadly. �I can�t figure out how to hack, or where to even begin. I only have a relative location, and I even tried Googling �secret government demon experimentation in hidden lab in Sunnydale�. Nothing.�
�Maybe you should try demon autopsies.� Xander suggested.
�Somehow I don�t think it�s that simple.� Willow replied.
Spike sat down at the table boredly, staring sullenly at the marked map in the middle of the table, stacks of books here and there.
�I like your collar.� Spike looked up to see Tara sitting across the table, smiling gently. �But I thought black and spiked was more of your style.� Her small smile grew, amused at the bell, but didn�t mention it.
�Spike has the most hideous taste in clothes.� Giles said offhandedly, nose in a book and not even noticing the cat-collar.
�Hey.� Buffy protested. �Mr. Black-and-blood-goes-with-everything would try to match purple and yellow or pink and orange if he actually did the shopping. He hasn�t bought anything but jeans and t-shirts and worn the same boots for, like, 80 years. You�re dissing my fashion sense.�
�Yeah, seeing how Buffy burned all of my other things.� Spike said, picking at a nail. �If it weren�t for her, well I wouldn�t have these clothes at all. And I think you admire my nude body less. �Less you wanna tell me sumthin�.�
�No.� Giles flushed. �Forgive me, I didn�t even look, and no, I don�t feature you bare, and I do apologize for �dissing� your fashion sense. I just don�t think that mini-skirts and halter tops could possibly apply to Spike. And why is he wearing a cat collar?�
Buffy flushed next. �Well there weren�t any dog collars with bells, were there?�
Xander snickered. �No more prowling for Spikey.�
Spike titled his head at Buffy. �Can I eat him, pet?�
�No.�
�Master?�
�No. No eating my friends.�
�He�s too fruity anyway.� Spike mumbled, looking down to pick at a nail. �You�re always tricking me, Slayer. Mean.�
�It�s not my fault that you think that I�m manipulating you.� Buffy shrugged.
Spike sighed deeply. �Okay, let�s just � let�s do this. We dress Xander up like a chicken � listen! � we dress him up like a chicken, and leav him in a clearing and wait. Then the soldiers will come and see the rare Chicken/Monkey Man and shoot him. When they scoop up his dead feathery corpse we attack and kill them all, and stela their weapons, but we save once and beat him until he tells us where the entrance to the Intitiative is. Then we throw in a couple of hand grenades, some toxic gasses and seal the door. Open it back up later and accidentally let in a whole pack of Fy�squeclisg demons and fill over the entrance with concrete.�
Everyone stared at him. �That is the stupidest plot ever.�
�I am not gonna dress up like a chicken!�
Spike shrugged boredly. �Fine. But one of these days you will realize how genius that is. I dare you to try and look a Fy�squeclisg demon in the eye and not die quicker than a blink. I also dare someone � anyone to come up with a better plan.�
�First of all, I�m betting that it�d take a lot to pry information from a trained soldier.� Buffy said. �And secondly, we can�t just kill all of those people. Some of them are just stupid people who follow orders because they got sucked into their government and don�t realize that experimenting on conscious beings might not be patriotic. We have to try to get you excused from being hunted, be we�ll need a backup plan. Somehow walking into a government lab and saying, �please, leave my pet vampire alone� isn�t gonna be very effective.�
�Hey! I�m no bleedin� pet!�
�You can try crying.� Willow suggested.
�These people think vampires are animals.� Xander said. �Maybe we should officially register Spike as our pet, and that might work. Fight the system with the system. Then he�d be our property.�
�I�m no one�s sodding pet!!�
�Spike,� Giles waved him to silence. �Perhaps something like that would work. Or if we could try to convince them that Spike is nearly human. That he has a child, a wife � err, ex-engaged roommate, and that he�s not a threat to human lives.�
�We can�t tell them about Jamie.� Spike and Buffy said in unison.
�If they find out about him, they might still refuse and just want to cut open Jamie, too.�
�I don�t think that bloody begging these wankers to stop their bloodshed is gonna work. Demons do it, too.�
�Demons eat their victims.� Willow objected. �Or most of them do. These guys just cut them open for no good reason and do cruel and unnecessary treatment and experiments on them. Like, �oh, let�s see how this demon reacts to being burned alive in a vat of oil!� �Ooh, it�s screaming and burning.� �Let�s take notes and pictures!��
Spike rested his head in his hands. �Let�s just find this bloody place first. If we�re lucky, it�ll have concrete walls like a bomb shelter, and we can set off a nuclear reactor or some lot, and blow it up inside, and the explosion will be contained and everything.�
�You watch too many movies.� Buffy shook her head.
�You should sodding well appreciate my help.� Spike said. �I don�t see any of you coming up with killing plans. You can�t just be diplomatic about everything. Sometimes the only way to deal with it to kill the frickin� psychos. Like you do vamps and demons. I don�t see you tossing aside your stake to share feelings and ask them nicely to stop maiming babies while they�re trying to disembowel you. And you�re not the one that�ll sodding die. So first thing�s first, let�s find the frickin� thing. Blue prints, something.�
�If only I could.� Willow said, already typing on her keyboard. �Argh! This makes me so frustrated.�
�It�s okay, Will, we�ll get information.� Buffy promised. �Maybe a badge number.�
�Or we can just use this here book.� Spike opted, lifting up a heavy spell book.
�Careful, that�s v-very old and expensive!� Giles protested.
�Then you got ripped off, mate.� Spike replied. �Damn you all. How can you sit here and tell me there�s nothing to do when this behemoth is right in front of your bloody noses? It�s right unfair, that is. Look at all this. Why can�t these books have an index? At least a bloody table of contents.�
Willow stared at the vampire skimming through the book. �We haven�t been able to decipher that. Or even determine the written language.�
�It�s old Goth. Not that hard to understand.� Spike said, as though it should have been obvious. �This thing is heavy. �Harness the power of the full moon.� Blah. �Summon ghosts.� Blah. �Aphrodisiacs�� He turned the page with no comment. �Fertility�, �Fertility�, �Exorcism�, �Healing�, �Properties of the North Wind�, ick. He flipped through several pages, and then grinned. �Curses,� �Hexes�, �Recognizing ill intentions�, �Plagues to inflict on your enemies�, �Several spells to strike your enemies� � hey!�
Buffy stole the book effectively. �We really can�t give you ideas.�
Spike rolled his eyes. �If I accidentally mumbled the words aloud, then I wouldn�t exactly be killing them� on purpose. You�re all so damn prim and proper. When they kill us all, then you�ll be sorry.�
�We�re not gonna inflict plagues or make them spontaneously combust.� Buffy said. �That�s bad karma.�
�Oh, boohoo. At least they�d be dead. What�s seven years of spilling milk and tripping on your shoelaces? If I were me, and I am, I�d say we do it. They�ve tried to kill me three times already, we get to kill them back.�
�That�s in the movies, and it never works in real life.� Xander said.
�Oh, what? Won�t matter if the cops get my fingerprints. They�re most likely to say, �yes, a dead man from the 1800�s must have ripped this young man�s heart out.� It�s not like all those frickin� serial killers and mass murderers get bad karma. If they�re even caught they go to a nice cushy jail for the rest of their lives �cause the world is too damn pretty to kill them. So instead they get a nice little place to live in, and their own �girlfriends� so to say.�
�This is the government.� Xander objected. �Not a convenience store to mug. This is way worse, and we�ll be shot outright. They can do whatever they like if we threaten them. Even if we trespass, I�m sure we get a nice nuclear present for stopping by.�
Spike sighed deeply. �If we capture one of the soldiers, do I get to beat the crap out of him?�
Buffy considered this, and had a startling image of Spike getting out of hand and killing a man. �I don�t think that�s such a good idea.�
�Why am I even here, then?�
�I figured you�d want to know the status of your fate.� Buffy replied. �We�ll start with something simple. Catch one of these guys and pummel him for information on the place, until we can get enough to formulate a plan.�
�It�ll be slow.� Tara informed Spike. �But we�ll stop them. I-I promise.�
Spike didn�t reply, pretending to be more interested in a chipped nail.
*****
�Have you located Hostile 17?�
�Negative, ma�am.� Riley reported. �No trace of the hostile within the areas of the city. It�s possible that he escaped to a more populated area to lay low.�
�Vampires are low animals, Agent Finn.� Professor Walsh replied, clasping her hands together. �They are like filth, spreading everywhere and hard to scrub clean.�
�Permission to speak, ma�am?� Gram requested.
�Permission granted, Agent Gram.�
�With all due respect, ma�am, I did tranq the hostile with an overly medicated dart. He ran off, but it�s doubtful he got far, or woke up for quite a long time. Reconnaissance recovered nothing, so it�s possible that the hostile was eaten by a larger predator.�
�Yes.� One of the doctors agreed. �Professor, there are quite a few necrovores who eat vampires, or even use them as a host for larvae. They mostly poison the vampire into a paralyzed state and then do their feeding or nesting.�
Professor Walsh shook her head at the idea. �We�ll search for a few more nights, and look for any traces of these necrovores while you�re at it. I won�t make assumptions until we have evidence beyond a doubt that the hostile is either dust or undead.�
�Yes ma�am.�
*****
Spike yanked off the collar, uncaring that it broke and flung it down without a second thought.
�Spike,� Buffy protested.
�Piss off.�
�What�s wrong? I thought � I thought we were jut having fun.�
�Yeah. Well exclude me, and that�s about right.� Spike glared at her. �Forget about me going to your little power circles anymore. If anything if actually so damn important then you can tell me yourself. I�m not just for your amusement.�
Buffy was almost shocked at this near protest of Spike�s own feelings. �I just wanted you to get along with my friends.� She said. �And you did, even wearing that thing. So I don�t see why you can�t with just a normal setting.�
�I don�t know Buffy, but, Christ! Just because I confided to you doesn�t mean I want to talk to your friends � ever. I�ll patrol with them, but I�m not gonna get all frickin� touchy-feely and deep and honest.�
Buffy was stunned. �You� confided? With me?�
�Funny, isn�t it?� Spike muttered, going to the basement.
Buffy caught him, turning him around, though he shoved out of her grip. �When I was six I loved dolls.� Buffy confessed quickly. �My mom was pregnant with Dawn and I didn�t understand what that meant. She came home from the hospital and I was excited. My mom said I had to take care of her, and I did, but then I hated her. She always got more attention then me, and all of my old toys. She teethed on my favorite doll, and when I found it, it was covered in drool, her dress was ruined and her hair was a ratty tangle. I hated her for doing that, but mom kept saying that she didn�t know any better, and I said that she was being encouraged. When I was nine she got my hair all sticky with candy and my dad had to shave it all off. Everyone in third grade thought I was a boy.�
Spike stared at her as she genuinely blushed and avoided his stare, then he fought back a smile. �Yeah, well, I�ll just have to think this over, eh?�
Buffy managed to sigh heavily. �Spike, you are the most sensitive vampire I know. But then again, you�re the only vampire I really know. I�m sorry.�
Spike failed miserably, grinning. �Did they call you Bobby?�
�Spike!� Buffy slapped his shoulder and he laughed. �So will you talk to me again? No forced friends, though.�
�Dunno, Slayer.� Spike said. �Gonna have to sleep on it.�
�You don�t have to be so impersonal, William.� Buffy said, trying to sound kind.
�Yeah, well we�ll just have to work back up to first-name basis.� Spike replied, going downstairs to sleep.
*****
Joyce helped Dawn braid her hair, tucking away stray hairs and combing it evenly, to keep it straight, completing the braids nicely. �Don�t be late for school.�
Dawn touched her braids and kissed her mother on the cheek, then went downstairs to get ready for the day.
�Spike,� Buffy said, leaning over the table. �You�re so annoying.�
�Then why are you still competing for me to talk to you?�
�Well, because. Like you said, I can�t risk loosing communication with you.�
�You�re afraid of loosing me?�
�If you like it better put that way, then yes.� Buffy said. �Please don�t be angry?�
�I don�t enjoy being treated like a four years old.� Spike said. �I�m seven times your bloody age, and I get no respect.�
�Well I�m sorry that you�re a grumpy old man.� Buffy said. �And I thought Giles was touchy.�
�Buffy, I need to get the milk.� Dawn complained, and her sister moved, letting her get her cereal while she pulled up a chair and sat down next to Spike.
�Don�t be so� like you are.� Buffy said. �Okay, okay, you�re not that annoying. Maybe I even like having you around. To talk to. Maybe. Are you satisfied?�
Spike swallowed his blood. �I�m not giving you the cold shoulder, pet, I�m just eating.�
Buffy made an offended sound and got up, going to supervise the cartoons that James was watching.
Joyce came downstairs. �My, my. A busy household. How are you today, William?�
�Fine, Joyce.� Spike was careful not to slouch. �And how has your work been?�
�Ugh. Well, you know, work.� Joyce replied. �We have to categorize papers now, because someone messed up the filing. And, of course, that means that I have to do it. I can�t get Danielle to do half of the work. She�s always trying to get out of any extra work.�
�Huh. Those sorts of minions � I mean, employees � need to be taken care of. What you need to do is assign her a part of the work, not depend on her to do it on her own. And if she doesn�t complete it, you get to yell at her. Fun, that. Aren�t you her better?�
�I am technically a rank above her.� Joyce said. �She�s new, and I have much more experience.�
�Then maybe she just needs to be shown. Hey, teach a man to fish��
�I�ll give it a try.� Joyce decided. �And thank you.�
�For what? I just dusted all the minions that couldn�t follow orders. Maybe I should�ve tried to keep �em so they could learn. Eh.�
�Oh, Buffy. Have you seen my shoes?� Joyce asked.
Buffy looked at Joyce, Bugs Bunny on TV. �Aren�t they in your closet with the fifty other pairs?�
�Forty nine.� Joyce corrected. �I�m missing the pair I want.�
�Hmm.� Buffy considered this. �The ones you wore a few weeks ago? The cute heels that make your feet hurt? You kicked those off and cursed them for nearly giving you a blister after walking in them all day long, remember? They�re probably still by the door.�
�That�s hardly neat of me.� Joyce said, finding the shoes there. �Oh, these don�t look right for this outfit. I probably shouldn�t wear them, if they�re so uncomfortable.�
�You should get sneakers.� Spike suggested. �Nike.�
Joyce laughed pleasantly and took the heels back upstairs to pick out a different pair.
�I wasn�t kidding.�
�Mom wouldn�t wear Nikes with her good work clothes.� Dawn said. �She�s very clean. Nikes are for running and stuff.�
Spike shrugged. �Nikes look fairly impressive. I don�t understand dress shoes.�
�Well Nikes aren�t office material.� Buffy said. �Sorry. Nikes are very impressive, though. But they�re for sports.�
�I wondered.�
Dawn jumped at the sight of the clock. �I have to go.� She said, shoveling away the rest of her cereal and quickly gathering her coat and backpack. �Bye Buffy, bye Spike.�
�Bye, nibblet.�
�Don�t forget your lunch money.� Buffy reminded quickly, giving her a five and stealing a hug before Dawn had to dash out the door to wait at the corner. A minute later the bus came to get her.
�Buffy,� Joyce berated, coming downstairs with her new choice of heels. �Don�t you dare miss anymore classes.�
�I�m going as soon as I am.� Buffy said. �And I don�t miss most classes. At least, I make them up after. I promise.�
�You better, or you�re grounded.� Joyce said. �Oh, but I love you.� She hugged Buffy, then Spike and left.
�Why do I always get hugged now?�
�Mom considers you part of the family.� Buffy shrugged. �Delusional, isn�t she?�
�Insane people aren�t all bad.� Spike defended.
�Huh. Well you should know.�
�I should.� Spike agreed. �Am I baby-sitting tonight?�
�Probably not by yourself.� Buffy said. �But I�m going to the Magick Box. I have to train, even if we don�t get any new info.�
�Oh. Train with the Watcher?�
�Who else?�
Spike huffed and mumbled under his breath. �Old bag of dirt.�
�I can hear you.� Buffy informed, hands on her hips. �Spike? Would you like to help me train?�
�Sure. If you�re gonna beg me.�
Buffy shook her head. �Just don�t put up a fit.�
�Oh, wha, me? Throw a fit? Pft.�
Buffy snorted and went upstairs to gather her books for class, then returned downstairs. �Don�t feed Jamie too much sugar.�
�The kid�s got sugar in his blood.� Retorted Spike, getting up to watch Looney Tunes with his son. �Have a good day at school, hon.�
�Oh I will, sweetie.� Buffy replied, going out the door.
Spike sat down and nudged James playfully as Roadrunner tricked Wily Coyote into running off of a cliff. �She called me �sweetie�.�
�Did she kiss you again?�
Spike scoffed a laugh. �She�d never kiss me. Oh, well if it was a patronizing kiss.�
�She kissed you when you were asleep.� James conspired. �And it wasn�t �pa-trio-ni-zation�.�