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Chapter 9:
Interview with Ludric (or some impersonator)
Him: Fashizzle Dizzle Me: No seriously, what's your name? Fashizzle Dizzle: Ludric Von Evil Me: How's your sex life? Ludric: Fantasmerific. And by fantasmerific I mean so bad that elephants are eating smarties with gravy salad dressing. Me: Genius is a smart term, would you agree? Ludric: would you? Me: Do you think that you are genius? Ludric: I think that I am a banana. Me: Excuse me? Ludric: I am a banana. Me: What are you on? Ludric: A chair, and I am a banana. Me: Are you seriously a banana? Ludric: No, I am an orange. Me: Huh? Ludric: Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Me: So what do you plan on doing with your HOTT KakaS? Ludric: I plan on showing them off so that Kakaville launches a massive attack trying to find me and then hide the HOTT KakaS so that they never find the evidence and the population gets really angry at Mayor Kakaface and kills him. Me: So you never actually planned on Gassing Kakaville? Ludric: Of course not! how could I be mayor of a town that has been bombed? Me: Are you suggesting that your goal throughout this entire affair has been to become mayor of Kakaville? Ludric: No.... My goal throughout this entire ordeal has been to become Mayor of Kakaville. Me: I just said that Ludric: So did I. Me: You aren't very smart are you, I mean you coulda just ran in the elections for mayor. Ludric: But I must be famous first! I mean if Arnold can run and win, it just shows that only stupid famous people can win elections, and I'm on my way to having both. Didn't Kakaface only win the elections because his murder was known by all? Me: He wasn't elected. He was appointed. Ludric: Well you smell. Me: No I don't. Ludric: Yes, you do. Me: YOU CAN'T EVEN SMELL ME! I AM ON THE ISLE OF CONSTANTINOPLE! Ludric: Actually I can smell you... Me: Anyway, onwards: Would you agree that Operation Sexify will be a complete success? Ludric: O yes, I mean what could go wrong when a group of very responsible teens are moving lots of heavy Uncle Thomas through a house from Joni to the G-Spot? Certainly a dent in the wall will go unnoticed. Me: So would you say that Detective Neelix is your arch-enemy? Ludric: Diamonds are a girls best friend. Me: That wasn't my question. Ludric: The hills are alive with the sound of music. Me: Yes but.... Ludric: Oliver, Oliver, never before has a boy wanted more! Me: AS I WAS SAYIN... Ludric: ..Grease LIGHTNING!!! Me: I give up. Me and Him: And All that JAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!
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I went to a phone
booth on the isle of Constantinople, and spoke with Ludric on the telephone, or
as the Constantinopoleans call it, "The listening and talking device to
communicate with people who like to communicate back and hear words machine type
thing", only to come to the conclusion that Ludric is a Philistine.