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| A Punny Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her eliminated. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for eliminating a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: [You're going to hate me for this]: ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY ************************************** An Irishman A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' So Murphy say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99." Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree,'n dirty tree, dat's 99" The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Murphy, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100." Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100" The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!" Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job? ***************************************** Personal Training For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress................. Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. Friday: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy. ****************************************** TEACHING After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention. My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me NOT TO PRAY?" ********************************************* Australian Tourism Funnies From the Australian Tourism website Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water... Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So its true what they say about Swedes. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. **************************************************************************** ONE LINERS Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up fast. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. ******************************************************************************** PUT-DOWNS AND BUMPER STICKERS Bumper Stickers : 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. : 2. A day without sunshine is like.... night. : 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. : 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. : 5. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. : 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. : 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. : 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. : 9. Honk if you love peace and quiet. : 10. Pardon my driving; I'm reloading. : 11. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? : 12. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. : 13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. : 14. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. : 15. "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception is composed of others." John Andrew Holmes : 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm : 17. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. : 18. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. : 19. When everything's coming your way you're in the wrong lane. : 20. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried. : 21. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. : 22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. : 23. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. : 24. He who hesitates is probably right. : 25. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. : 26. No one is listening until you make a mistake. : 27. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. : 28. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. : 29. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. : 30. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. : 31. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. : 32. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. : 33. Two wrongs are only the beginning. : 34. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. : 35. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. : 36. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. : 37. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. : 38. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. : 39. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. : 40. Change is inevitable� Except from vending machines. : 41. Don't sweat petty things� or pet sweaty things. : 42. A fool and his money are soon partying : 43. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation : 44. Plan to be Spontaneous tomorrow. : 45. Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! : 46. If you think nobody cares about you try missing a couple of payments. : 47. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands� : 48. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. : 49. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. : 50. Everybody repeat after me�,"We are all individuals." : 51. Death to all fanatics! : 52. Guests who kill talk show hosts - On the last Geraldo. : 53. Chastity is curable, if detected early. : 54. Don't be sexist: Broads hate that! : 55. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. : 56. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of woman scorned. : 57. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. : 58. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. : 59. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. : 60. Beware of geeks bearing GIFs. : 61. Half the people you know are below average. : 62. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. : 63. 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. : 64. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. : 65. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. : 66. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. : 67. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. : 68. I drive way to fast to worry about cholesterol. : 69. I intend to live forever - so far so good. : 70. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? : 71. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. : 72. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. : 73. A clear conscience is usually the sign of bad memory. : 74. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade. : 75. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. : 76. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. : 77. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. : 78. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest. : 79. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. : 80. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. : 81. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. : 82. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. : 83. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. : 84. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive. : 85. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. *********************************************** OLD LADIES ARE SMART An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officerstold me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. ******************************** ********** A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM ARIZONA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE. **************************************** ********* FUNNY QUOTES Albert Einstein 1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. 2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one. 5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor. 6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. Fredrick Nietzsche 7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God. 8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. 9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. 10. Is man one of God�s blunders? Or is God one of man�s blunders? 11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal. Mark Twain 12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 13. Don�t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 14. I didn�t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. 15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 16. The man who doesn�t read good books has no advantage over the man who can�t read them. 17. �Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?� Voltaire 18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason. 19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him. 20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn�t do. 21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it. 23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere. 24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact. 25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices. 26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung. 27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property. 28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers. Plato 29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. 30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern. 31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are. 32. Courage is knowing what not to fear. 33. The measure of a man is what he does with power. Winston Churchill 34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. 35. If you are going through hell, keep going. 36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. 37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. George Carlin 38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. 39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. 40. Religion has convinced people that there�s an invisible man�living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn�t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. 41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. 42. What year did Jesus think it was? 43. The real reason that we can�t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post �Thou shalt not steal,� �Thou shalt not commit adultery,� and �Thou shalt not lie� in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. 44. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 45. �No comment� is a comment. 46. If a man smiles all the time, he�s probably selling something that doesn�t work. 47. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. Steve Martin 48. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything! 49. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won�t stand for that. 50. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It�s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. 51. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. 52. You know what your problem is, it�s that you haven�t seen enough movies - all of life�s riddles are answered in the movies. 53. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 54. Why is it we don�t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? * As Harris K. Telemacher in �L.A. Story� (1991) Steven Colbert 55. �To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush�I feel like I�m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I�m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough�Somebody shoot me in the face.� -Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents� dinner 56. On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice. 57. There�s a phrase we live by in America: �In God We Trust�. It�s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money. 58. Folks, the President needs a break. He�s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don�t recharge his batteries, he can�t suck. 59. I�ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can�t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book? 60. Now, I don�t see color. People tell me I�m white and I believe them because police officers call me �sir�. 61. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people. 62. �There�s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.� 63. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals. Jon Stewart 64. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. 65. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. 66. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There�s just one problem - it�s in North Korea. 67. We declared war on terror�it�s not even a noun, so, good luck. 68. Here�s how bizarre the war is that we�re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn�t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Jon Stewart�s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005 Bill Maher 69. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. 70. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. 71. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don�t need. 72. They�re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that�s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can�t even smoke in bed. Jerry Seinfeld 73. There�s very little advice in men�s magazines, because men don�t think there�s a lot they don�t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, �I know what I�m doing, just show me somebody naked.� 74. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they�re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? �Sweetheart, let�s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.� 75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. 76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them�s making a poop, the other one�s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. Larry David 77. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there�s your diamond in the rough. 78. If you tell the truth about how you�re feeling, it becomes funny. 79. I�m surprized Hitler didn�t round up the toupee people.� Dennis Miller 80. A recent police study found that you�re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. 81. The average American�s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles�s dart board. 82. �The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.� Jay Leno 83. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you�ve met your New Year�s resolution. 84. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 85. Here�s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like �Psychic Wins Lottery�? 86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn�t for any religious reasons. They couldn�t find three wise men and a virgin. Rodney Dangerfield 87. A girl phoned me and said, �Come on over. There�s nobody home.� I went over. Nobody was home! 88. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. 89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. 91. I�m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. Sarah Silverman Funny Quotes 92. When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS. 93. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl. Chris Rock 94. �You won�t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.� (Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars) 95. Gas is getting so expensive I�m gonna ride a mexican to work. 96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. 97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. 98. If a woman tells you she�s twenty and looks sixteen, she�s twelve. If she tells you she�s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she�s damn near fourty. 99. �You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America�s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn�t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named �Bush�, �Dick�, and �Colon.� Need I say more?� ******************************** ********************************* |
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