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| Seen on T Shirts "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod) "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old) "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "Procrastinate Now" "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" "Party - My Crib - Two A. M."(seen on a baby-size shirt) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15" "West Virginia: One Million People, and Only 15 Last Names" "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN" "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance" "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music" MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose" "Time's fun when you're having flies... Kermit the Frog" "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH" "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through with it." "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years." "The trouble with life is there's no background music." "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?" "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson." "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit." "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware." "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!" More T-Shirts and Bumper Stickers Maybe the back tire is flat on your Karma. Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure... If Jesus was Jewish, what's he doing with a Mexican name? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del for unlimited access to this system. Girlfriend pregnant? (A)bort, (M)arry, (I)gnore, (F)lee? Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may just be happy. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. She lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted looks. In today's world, anyone who is not confused just isn't thinking straight. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition ***************************** **************************** MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team. NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years How many times do I have to flush before you go away? You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. You are as slow as a snail with a limp. *********************************** 1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. 12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. 14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket, and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you, too." 15. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. *************************** ****************************** THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T 1. And your crybaby, whiny-assed opinion would be ...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Free of charge even. 6. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 7. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 8. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 10. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 11. Allow me to introduce my selves. 12. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 13. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 14. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 15. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 16. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 17. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 18. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 19. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 21. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 22. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done. ************************************************* This is ammo to use with those special people with whom you work. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication. Are you a freakin' ray of sunshine every day? I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. ********** ****************************** "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?" "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after." "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose" "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control" "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable" "Back off!! You're standing in my aura." "Don't worry. I forgot your name too." "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?" "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor." "You look like shit. Is that the style now?" "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?" "A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth." ************************************************ Bill Gates' Speech to High School Students Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about the things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity . Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. ****************************************************** "All Time Dumbest Questions Asked By Banff Park Tourists" Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff! 1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs? 2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? 3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' " Tourist: "Oh". 4. Are the bears with collars tame? 5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? 6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? 7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? 8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was? 9. Are there birds in Canada? 10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? 11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? 12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? 13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? 14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario? 15. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice fields? 16. How far is Banff from Canada? 17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day? 18. Do they search you at the B.C. border? 19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds? 20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they? 21. Are there phones in Banff? 22. So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles? 23. We're on the decibel system you know. 24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost?? 25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car? 26. Don't you Canadians know anything? 27. Where do you put the animals at night? 28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom." Tourist: "Oh!" ************************************************************* |
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