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| COMPUTERS 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent User. 18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER. SYS) 20. User Error: Replace user. 21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? ********************** ************************* This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired. However, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!) "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect." "What sort of trouble?? "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing??" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out??" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that look like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?? "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?? "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark. "Dark??" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not??" "Because there's a power failure." "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?? "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer." *********************************************** PC "The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..." "WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue." "Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though." "General Failure's Fault. Not Yours." "Hit any user to continue." "Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying." "Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can." "Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector." "Cannot find REALITY. SYS... Universe Halted." ************************* ********************* DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS WHY COMPUTERS SOMETIME CRASH " IF A PACKET HITS A POCKET ON A SOCKET ON A PORT, AND THE BUS IS INTERRUPTED AT A VERY LAST RESORT, AND THE ACCESS OF THE MEMORY MAKES YOUR FLOPPY DISK ABORT, THEN THE SOCKET PACKET POCKET HAS AS ERROR TO REPORT. IF YOUR CURSOR FINDS A MENU ITEM FOLLOWED BY A DASH AND THE DOUBLE CLICKING ICON PUTS YOUR WINDOW IN THE TRASH; AND YOUR DATA IS CORRUPTED CAUSE THE INDEX DOESN'T HASH, THEN YOUR SITUATION'S HOPELESS AND YOUR SYSTEM'S GONNA CRASH! IF THE LABEL ON THE CABLE ON THE TABLE AT YOUR HOUSE SAYS THE NETWORK IS CONNECTED TO THE BUTTON ON YOUR MOUSE, BUT YOUR PACKETS WANT TO TUNNEL TO ANOTHER PROTOCOL THAT'S REPEATEDLY REJECTED BY THE PRINTER DOWN THE HALL, AND YOUR SCREEN IS ALL DISTORTED BY THE SIDE EFFECTS OF GAUSS, SO YOUR ICONS IN THE WINDOW ARE AS WAVY AS A SOUSE: THEN YOU MAY AS WELL REBOOT AND GO OUT WITH A BANG 'CUZ SURE AS I'M A POET, THE SUCKER'S GONNA HANG! WHEN THE COPY OF YOUR FLOPPY'S GETTING SLOPPY IN THE DISK AND THE MACROCODE INSTRUCTIONS CAUSE UNNECESSARY RISK, THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO FLASH THE MEMORY AND YOU'LL WANT TO RAM YOUR ROM QUICKLY TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND BE SURE TO TELL YOUR MOM! ************************** ****************************** From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q: True or false... a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes... Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment. Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter... and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget! Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries! Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark. Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army! Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch! Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean? A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing. Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it? A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds? A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee. Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question. Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex? A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet. Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light? A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice. ************************************************* "Chicken Gun" Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist. Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and space shuttles, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as tile chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the U. S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken." ******************************************** Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00, Coffee $1.00, Total $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Jack car up. 8) Place drain pan under engine. 9) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 10) Give up and use crescent wrench. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. 13) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 14) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 15) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 16) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 17) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. 18) Drink a beer. 19) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work. 20) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." 21) Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle. 22) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 11 23) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 24) Walk to liquor store; buy beer. 25) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 26) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 27) Remember drain plug from step 11. 28) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 29) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. 30) Drink beer. 31) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. 32) Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 33) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 34) Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 35) Drink beer. 36) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 37) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 36. 38) Begin cussing fit. 39) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 40) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 41) Beer. 42) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 43) Beer. 44) Beer. 45) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 46) Beer. 47) Lower car from jack stands. 48) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 49) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 11 - 48. 50) Beer. 51) Test drive car. 52) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 53) Car gets impounded. 54) Call loving wife, make bail. 55) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00, DUI $2500.00, Impound fee $75.00, Bail $1500.00, Beer $40.00, Total-- $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right! ************************************************** Version 2 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) Open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16) Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30) Drink beer. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 5 minutes. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Make bail. 50) Get car from impound yard. Parts-$50.00, DUI-$25O0.00, Impound fee-$75.00, Bail-$1500.00, Beer-$25.00, Total Cost -- $4150.00 But you know the job was done right! ********************************** |
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