It is well documented that for every mile that you jog you add one minute
to your life. This enables you at age 85 to spend an additional
5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would
have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass
********************** ***********************************
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.
"I'm not a couch potato....
I'm a computer chip!"
"I have a computer, a vibrator,
& pizza delivery.
Why should I leave the house?"
"Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old.
Squash their toes with your rocker."
**************************************************************
Does this remind you of any of the people you worked with in the past?
These useful quotes are from actual federal employee performance
evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a
definite won't-be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together.
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He has been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the
other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens covered glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not
coming.
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a
week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
********************************************
Some truisms...
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused
**************************************************************
General thoughts on the Human Condition
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. Dave Barry
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' Larry Miller
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? Marilyn Pittman
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? Robin Williams
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of herself and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. Christopher Case
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' Paula Poundstone
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men do. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. Conan O'Brien
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy
The statistics on sanity are that 1 out of every 4 Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your 3 best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, Maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner. Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' Richard Jeni
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? Warren Hutcherson
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player. Marsha Warfield
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms, instead. Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first day, by the second you're off it. Jackie Gleason
Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents. William Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. A. Whitney Brown
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Before marriage, a man Yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
*****************************************
New Words
(Note: I have pupkus all over my car windows. It has become part of the decor. In the house, however I have catcus or felissnot. Louise)
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen
times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow
'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until
he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to
resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose
sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses it's nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
****************************************
A University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist
in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, one can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only A given.
************************************************
