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| BILL GATES' SPEECH TO MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL in Visalia, California. Worthwhile reading for anyone. Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it! Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rainforest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. *********************************************** Blondes in Heaven Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...' 'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?' The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.' St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?' The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.' 'Oh?' says St. Peter, incredulously. 'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.' St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, 'Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.' **************************************** The Boob Poem For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram. "O.K," I said, "let's do it." "Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine." She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vise! My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vise-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting. "There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one." have Mercy, I was praying! It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide. Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled. If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!" This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out. **************************************************** The Truth About Fitness: Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -Good. Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had. *************************************** ~THINGS I HAVE WONDERED~ If your goal in life is to do as little as possible, and you get away with that... does that make you successful? If love is blind and marriage is an institution, does that mean that marriage is an institution for the blind? If you can buy more memory for your computer... why can't people? What does an imperfect stranger look like? The term "free gift" never made sense to me... has anybody ever said to you..."I bought you a gift, now that will be $19.95?" What do the manufacturers of Styrofoam pack their shipments in? Is it really possible to be completely partial? If you pulled the wings off of a fly... would it then be called a walk? If wool shrinks in water... why don't sheep shrink in the rain? If a mime gets arrested, does he have the right to remain silent? How can a one pound box of candy make you gain five pounds? If psychics are for real�why don't they call us? Speaking of psychics... why don't they ever win lotteries? If contractors erect a building, when they are done why isn't it called a built? Did you ever stop to think... and then forget to start again? How do you know if sour cream goes bad? What was the best thing before sliced bread? How do deer know to cross at those deer crossing signs? Is it a coincidence that the word "politics" comes from the Latin roots with "poli" meaning many and "tics" meaning blood sucking insects? Is it ok to ask the clerk in a book store where the section on "self-help" is? How come Tarzan doesn't have a beard? How does the bank expect you to pay the penalty fee on a check that�s returned for insufficient funds.....with a check? If a person becomes "Born Again" do they get another belly button? Do math teachers have a lot of problems? If you want to become a vegetarian, is it ok to give up meat cold turkey? If you wear glasses, is everything you see an optical illusion? Is it ok to pay your psychiatrist with a reality check? What happens to an engineer if he looses his train of thought? Do fishermen live in the reel world? Could you call an avid chess player a chestnut? Do fortune tellers earn good prophets? Does a gambler live in a pair-a-dice? Are people who work at Holiday Inn...inn experienced? Isn't there something kleptomaniacs can take to help them? I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter! ************************* ********************************** A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn�t be called research, would it? A friend is like a good bra, close to your heart, hard to find and always supportive I have not failed, I have just found 100,000 ways that won't work. All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. The trouble with going with the flow is, you might wind up getting sucked down the drain. *************************************** ~Some Thoughts~ I made a promise to myself to get in shape and I did it! Round is a shape isn't it? I have my own opinions on things.... is that ok with you? Computers allow us to make mistakes much faster than we ever could by hand There are two sure fire rules for a successful life Rule#1 Don't tell people everything you know Rule#2 Yesterday my friend called me a procrastinator and I was so mad that I vowed to get even with her... soon as I get around to it I then asked her if she knew the meaning of the word apathy? She said "no, and I don't care" When doing any kind of writing, you should always avoid clich�s like the plague People who are redundant by repeating themselves and saying the same thing twice really annoy me A preposition is a word that you should never end a sentence with Most women would rather have beauty than brains because men can see better than they can think If you want people to know where you stand.... don't bathe for a week Over-exaggeration is a really, really, huge, enormous, bad habit Most mothers tell their daughters to marry doctors... I told mine to marry an archeologist because the older she gets , the more interested he will be in her I think it's kind of mean that the word for speech impediment is "lisp"..... think about it! **************************************** The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a fine Japanese hotel. Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees. Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service. RS: Rye.. Ruin sorbees.. morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?? G: Uh, yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs. RS: Ow July den? G: What? RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch? G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please. RS: Ow July dee bayhcem--crease? G: Crisp will be fine. RS: Hokay. An san tos? G: What? RS: San tos. July San tos? G: I don't think so RS: No? Judo one toes?? G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes means." RS: Toes! toes! Why djew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother? G: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying "Toast." Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine. RS: We bother? G: No, just put the bother on the side. RS: Wad? G: I mean butter--just put it on the side. RS: Copy? G: Sorry? RS: Copy, tea, mill? G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all. RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy--rye? G: Whatever you say. RS: Tendjewberrymud. G: You're welcome. **************************************************** -Aussie Love Poem OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING YOUR A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD AND WHEN I SAY UR GORGEOUS I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE I DONT MIND A BIT OF FLAB IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB SO YOUR BELLY ISNT FLAT NO MORE I TELL YA, I DONT CARE SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS THEY JUST GAVE INTO GRAVITY BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW I NEVER TELL YA LIES I THINK ITS VERY SEXY THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE NOW THE MOMENT THAT WE MET I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD AS I WAS EVER GONNA GET NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE ILL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTYS ON AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER! ******************************************* |