Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going
on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they
can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13,
but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . . you
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . .
YOU BECOME 21. . . YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk.
He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's
changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams
are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you
would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE
it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After
that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete
cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH
bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start
going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
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1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!
8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!
11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
12. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
13. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
14. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
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Once upon a time ... A frog went into a bank and up to the tellers window. He sees on the nameplate that the tellers name is Patricia Black, so he says "Ms. Black I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. Patti looks at the frog in disbelief, and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$3,000 please".
Patti explains that $3,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as security. The frog reaches into his backpack and says "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink, porcelain elephant, about one half inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Flustered, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager, and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog who wants to borrow $3,000. He wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says.... "It's a knick knack, Patti Black, give the frog a loan".
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Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman, neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men
- The ones that learn by reading.
- The few who learn by observation.
- The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make
sure it's still there.
11. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier then putting it back.
12. AND FINALLY: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him The moral: When
you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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Quotations from women about
women . . . . . . .
The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy. Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think
of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette Barber
Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think
I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Jan King
A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever.
When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out.
The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling
"Hey, come back here with my breast!"
Linda Ellerbee
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a
woman?
It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with your girlfriends. Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first is..... hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought
half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me
at once.
Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss and they called ME slow!
Kathy Buckley
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb... and I'm also not blonde.
Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne Barr
I think-therefore I'm single.
Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.
Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man -if you want
anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and
career. Gloria Steinem-
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every
morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home
late every night.
Marie Corelli
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Linda Ellerbee
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
- Sharon Stone
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"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." �
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' -- Patricia Arquette
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly."
- Arnold Edinborough
"People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes."
- Abigail Van Buren
"It's always too early to quit."
- Norman Vincent Peale
"Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't."
- Richard Bach
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."
- Unknown
"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."
- George Bernard Shaw
"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving words in evidence of the fact."
- George Elliot
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
--Victor Borge
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up Yours."
--Robert Byrne
Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
--Winston Churchill
Ads are the cave art of the twentieth century.
--Marshall McLuhan
Never slap a man who chews tobacco.
--Willard Scott
When we talk to God we're praying. When God talks to us we're schizophrenic.
--Lily Tomlin
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
--Rodney Dangerfield
Insanity is hereditary -- you get it from your children.
--Sam Levenson
640k ought to be enough for anybody.
-- Bill Gates, 1981
It takes about 15 minutes to set up a Macintosh, but it takes about two years to master it.
Guy Kawasaki
The computer is the most extraordinary of man's technological clothing; it's an extension of our central nervous system. Beside it, the wheel is a mere hula-hoop.
-- Marshall McLuhan
Computers are useless. They only give you answers. -- Picasso
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman -- or a bad woman; it
depends on how much happiness you can handle.
--George Burns
Happiness is a warm puppy.
--Charles M. Schulz
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
--Robert Orben
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
--Larry Stimmell
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