My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELLDONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen
then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
******************** *********************************
GOD made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits we
were each given:
WOMEN
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love, and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.
They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.
They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice.
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right
schools and get their family the right health care.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments, and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.
********************************* *********************************
Cowboy Wisdom
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along a shot him... The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over, and put it back
in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of students: The one that learns by reading, the
few who learn by observation, the rest of them have to pee on the electric
fence for themselves.
*************************************
MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of
way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
********************************* ************************************
HICK PHONICS
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire
yew."
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother
bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage: "My
brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The state just west of Jawjuh. Capital is Berminhayum. Usage:
"A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my
pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a
bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage:
"Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A
boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my
ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few
munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from
Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change
the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern
words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR - noun. A
rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git
a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise,
I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Lanner, and boy my
arms are tarred."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'all."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin'
to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ...
must be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He
cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob
war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from
Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert. He ain't
thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York
City... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a
favor? Go bah me that Dash Rip Rock tape"
GUBMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmit boys shore
are ignert."
*****************************************
HOW TO TELL WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of
traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling
cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck
in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out
the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans
on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield,driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
*****************************************
HERE are the top 10 times in history that the 'F' word was
appropriate..
1) "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
2) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" - Custer
3) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein
4) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her." - Picasso
5) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" - Pythagorus
6) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
7) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of Arc
8) "Scattered *&%#ing showers... my ass." - Noah
9) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head." -JFK
10) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton
***********************************
In Japan impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages have been
replaced with Haiku poetry. (Haikus have strict construction rules - each
poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in
the third line. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often
achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.)
Let the timeless wisdom of Zen carry you through those moments of the
unexpected that make computer technology so fascinating.
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao - until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on
You ask far too much
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies:
So beautifully.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
********************************************
Ten Things You Should Never Say To A Woman During An Argument!!
1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
2. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."
3. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."
4. "Wait a minute... I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?"
6. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
7. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."
8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."
9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
10. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."
********************************************
