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| MORE ONE-LINERS AND BUMPER STICKERS Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? HANG UP AND DRIVE !!! Cancer cures smoking. CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list. Do not adjust your mind, the fault is with reality. EARTH IS FULL - GO HOME GONE CRAZY - BE BACK SHORTLY Got kleptomania? Take something for it. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged. HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF HOW DO I SET MY LASER PRINTER TO STUN? DARE to keep cops off donuts. I DO WHATEVER MY RICE KRISPIES TELL ME TO I fought the lawn and the lawn won. I HAVEN'T LOST MY MIND - IT'S BACKED UP ON DISK SOMEWHERE He just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. I never worry when I get lost... I just change where I want to go. I THINK - THEREFORE I DON'T LISTEN TO DAN RATHER I USED TO BE DISGUSTED - NOW I'M JUST AMUSED I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges? IF WE QUIT VOTING - WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY? IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED - YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR HELP WHY BE REDUNDANT? MINIMUM WAGE FOR POLITICIANS Saskatchewan - AT LEAST THE COWS ARE SANE Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM There is No Gravity........ the Earth Sucks!!! Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you BAD COP.... NO DOUGHNUT WE DON'T HAVE A TOWN DRUNK, WE ALL TAKE TURNS Stop honking, I'm pedaling as fast as I can Sarcasm, just one of the many services I offer Jeeze , if You Love Honkus ! So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings" If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is Marine Corps policy If you are close enough to read this, you are close enough for me to slam on my brakes and sue you Don't know where I'm going; don't remember where I've been. Caution! Driver is menopausal and armed! Be careful. I drive at least as badly as you do. VEGETARIAN: An old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter" Caution! Driver can't see, hear, or think. I can't be overdrawn; I still have checks. "Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?" Just because you HAVE one, doesn't mean you have to BE one! SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL FUZZ.....BUY PEACHES IF YOU CAN READ THIS...I WILL SOON BE BRAKING If it absolutely must be destroyed overnight, call 1-800-MARINES This driver carries no cash ... he's married! Line dancing......see what happens when cousins mate? Can't feed 'em........don't breed 'em!! Pass with care. Driver chews tobacco Drive it like you stole it THE FACE IS FAMILIAR - BUT I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER MY NAME THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE The more things change, the more they remain insane. THIS IS IT - I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER CAR THOSE WHO ABANDON THEIR DREAMS WILL DISCOURAGE YOURS VISUALIZE BEING A *COURTEOUS* DRIVER You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL! When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have nothing to go on. All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though. Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. Gun Control: Use both hands. Remember: First you pillage, then you burn. Corduroy pillows make headlines. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Half The People In The World Are Below Average Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software. Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet. Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires. My all time favorite bumper sticker came from California (aka: the left coast, home of the gay movement, environmentalist tree huggers,whale watchers, pro-life and pro-choice abortionist, and the anti-nuclear movement, in short a place where everything said is guaged against a scale of liberal "politically correctness"). So it took a basic anti-social troublemaker to drive around with a bumper sticker that could only piss everyone off: NUKE THE UNBORN GAY WHALES FOR JESUS! Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole... 100,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date! Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute. All men are idiots.... I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind... Back in five minutes. Rehab is for quitters.... Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will... I want to be on it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Be nice to your kids... They will pick out your nursing home. Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else. Grow your own dope, plant a man Please tell your pants it's not polite to point GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge. Boldly going nowhere Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. The proctologist called, they found your head. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now Ax Me About Ebonics Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! Don't Be Sexist -Broads Hate That Honk... If You Want To See My Finger Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ................ Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. God must love stupid people, he made so many. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian * Sorry, I don't date outside my species. * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. *Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. *How can I miss you if you won't go away? *Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. *There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose ************************* ******************************** Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore .... HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.' 3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.' 7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED' 8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.' 9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.' 11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.' 12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.' 3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.' 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.' 6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.' 7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' 8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.' 9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.' 10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.' 11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE' Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us. **************************************** ****************** |
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