POLITICALLY CORRECT!
He does not have a BEER GUT -
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER -
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME -
He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING -
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER -
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS -
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE -
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG -
He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES -
He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT -
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
***************************************
PUNS
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low
earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends,
in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
***********************************************
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the
difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
its own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out? Ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??
And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it
starves to death.
(Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez; that's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is.............Lucky Pigs!
*************************************************
Interesting Laws
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or
piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah, justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But, of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one
shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that
they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places
where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, however.)
*********************************
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
***************************************
AGING
Senior moments
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but I refuse to grow up), here's what I've
discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN-It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause... kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- These days I spend a lot of time wondering about the hereafter...I go to get something then wonder what I'm here after.
****************************************************
You Know You're Getting Older When
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. The iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants.
22. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
23. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
24. Your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your Metamucil.
25. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
26. You get two invitations to go out on the same night and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
27. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
28. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
29. You get to the check-out line, see how long it is, and decide what you have in your buggy isn't worth the wait.
30. You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't care anymore.
31. Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.
32. You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.
33. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
34. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
*******************************
Mid-life
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so
old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans... we are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can
see your rear end without turning around.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize
it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves... and that you're
now sitting on your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand
McNally.(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the
state of Wisconsin).
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to
and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing, know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big"
questions-- what is life, why am I here... how much Healthy Choice ice
cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
*********************************************
The Benefits of Growing Older
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can eat dinner at 4:00.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the
floor to watch television.
You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You send money to PBS.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
**********************************************
