by DAVE BARRY
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
19. Your friends love you, anyway...
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OLDER WOMEN
Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value older women most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What
are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured
in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past
the age of 50 give a darn what you might think about her.
An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships"
and "commitment". The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey,
clingy, whiny, dependent lover.
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at
the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous
with praise, often undeserved.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you
to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her
best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older
women couldn't care less.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an
older woman. They always know.
An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a
wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her
libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of
lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to
please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of.
(Young men, you have something to look forward to.)
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some
22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize for all of
us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity.
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AGING
Random Thoughts
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally, If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions - shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
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SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
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SIGNS OF WEAR
OLD" IS WHEN ..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
OLD" IS WHEN ..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
OLD" IS WHEN ..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
OLD" IS WHEN ..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
OLD" IS WHEN ..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN ...... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN .... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
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ADVICE FOR KIDS
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10. School lunches stick to the wall.
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
14. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
15. If your dog doesn't like somebody, you probably shouldn't either.
16. Toads aren't ugly. They're just toads.
17. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
18. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to
look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in
an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. Carsickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant
atmosphere-and let the air out of their tires.
6. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
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Time Changes Everything....
I used to have Saturday Night Fever... Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.
Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age.. But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!
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