FREE HOCKEY CHICKEN!!!

ESM: A hundred dollars to the person in this theater that can tell me what "free hockey chicken!!!" is.

jjjjjjjjjj

Elladan: Is that some sort of secret code?
Eowyn: Did the 'j' key get stuck?
Gimli: Are you trying to draw something?
Boromir: Does it stand for something sinister?
ESM: Do you know what sinister means?
Boromir: Yes. Do you?
ESM: I hope so.

Getting captured by uruks isn�t fun

ESM: Pfft. What are you talking about? Merry and Pippin had a ball!
Boromir: Getting killed by orcs isn't fun

Hey reader-type-people!

Elladan: Hey! Quit calling us names.

I have two reviewers! wow

Eowyn: Wow. I have a husband and a son and stable full of horses.

Justa let ya kno, Naurien's plan is to go with Boromir

Boromir: Where?
Elladan: I miss Legolas.
Gimli: That was random.

and watch the whole thing with Frodo

Elladan: Ah, go on a date with Boromir and dump him for Frodo. What a flake.

on the side lines,

ESM: A football game!
Eowyn: You sound excited.
ESM: I despise football games. Er...not soccer-football...I love soccer games.

then when Boromir fights the uruks,

ESM: Yeah, those football games...they look awful nasty. You'd think there was a war going on.

she helps out/saves BoromirMerry Pippin.

Elladan: In typical Sue fashion.

Then, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Merry, Pippin and Gandalf will go to Rohan.

Gimli: Because she told us to?

Boromir and Naurien will go to Gondor

Eowyn: To get married! It's so sweet! Can I be bridesmaid?
Gimli: I've never heard you be so sarcastic, Eowyn.
Eowyn: ::sweetly:: First time for everything!

(thats her plan.

ESM: ha, that reminds me of a song...::shrinks into her seat as Elladan and Boromir ostentaciously pull out the duct tape:: Eeep!

::hinthint::

Eowyn: Not again.

they won't go through with the whole thing.

Boromir: Rebellion!

hence the title. and just to let you know, she is going to be reciting random lines from movies and stuff.

ESM: Mmhmm. Ran out of original lines for your original character? How ironic.

Disclaimer: i don't own Lotr but i don't nessesarily care 'cause this is so you can do whatever u want with the characters

ESM: At last. Someone who's not in it for the money.

Getting captured by uruks isn't fun

Elladan: Yes. You said that already.

The water was flowing quite swiftly because it was spring. The trees on the western shore were alive, but the unfortunate ones on the eastern side were dead and some were even rotting. It was quite sad to see all of the fallen trees that were once like their living counterparts on the other side.

ESM: Eh, good try.

Everyone was silent and not speaking to one another.

Boromir: We were?

That really pissed off Naurien.

Gimli: I say, it would piss everybody else off if we were attacked because people had been talking! This isn't a carnival ride, you know!

"Would someone talk! I'm getting bored and annoyed and I get vicious on innocent people when I'm like this!!!"

Eowyn: Couldn't you just get vicious on guilty people instead?
ESM: Why don't you jump into the river and hang out with Gollum/Smeagol? I'm sure they'd love to talk to you.

Nobody said anything.

ESM: ::sighs:: Primarily because Nerwen couldn't find anything creative for them to say.

She began to seach for some thing to do in her backpack

Elladan: Ah, yes, the portable department store. Who needs a Ring when you've got a pack like that?

when she heard, "Frodo,"

Boromir: As in, that was her cue to start rummaging. I'm not joking, that's what it says.
Gimli: The FireMaiden must have been really bored, to decide to wait for an arbitrary cue before starting to look for something to play with.

She looked up and there was

ESM: Were. What DO they teach at your school? Fingerpainting?

the biggest two statues she had ever seen. I mean these were bigger-than-the-empire-state-building huge. Aragorn contiued.

Eowyn: Can someone demonstrate that verb for me?
Gimli: 'Fraid not. It's a pecualiar dance routine involving more contortions than any of us are capable of.

"The Argonath, long have I desired to look upon the kings of old, my kin."

Boromir: Although those were only statues, not the actual kings.

"They're huge, "

Elladan: Who said that?

after that, no one talked again. Naurien went back to looking around in her pack. She found a portable CD player,

ESM: But no CDs. I hope.
Eowyn: ::glumly:: In vain.

but it was the kind that you can take the headphones out and let everyone listen.

Gimli: Do you want to get us all killed?!

She put in the soundtrack to FuriKuri (FLCL) and pressed play. (its rock music, you know, with guitars and drums)

ESM: Aww, no fear of death from enemies with that playing, Gimli. Though it might drive them all to suicide.

Then she slowly turned up the volume so that the whole fellowship could here. Naurien skipped to song two. �I�m not bored anymore!� she said happily.

Elladan: (Naurien) Because now I can watch you all commit suicide to escape from the dreadful noise. Hey, I think I'll time you all and see who can endure it the longest before drowning himself!

�what language is that?� asked Pippin.
�I�ts japanesse,�

ESM: Japanesse? If I knew what 'japan' meant in Latin I'd be able to translate it for you. Except it would have to be a verb. Perfect passive tense, I believe. ::shrugs:: Odd.

She said as it was on song 4,

Eowyn: She waited for two tracks to answer him?

her favorite. It had no singing but it sounded really cool.

Boromir: Just what a FireMaiden needs to get her fire going again.

And then she hummed to it.

Elladan: Must have been thrilling.

When it got to song 10, she sang to it, because she memorised the sylables.

ESM: Really. I just met a brand new "If...Then..." statement!

Merry and Pippin hummed along as well.

Gimli: as she sang, which wasn't very well at all.

the next few hours were filled with Naurien taking out Cds and Playing them.

Eowyn: I thought it took more to fill an hour.
ESM: Not for a modern kid. Modern kids can spend fourteen hours doing nothing else except take care of physical necessities and say they had an exciting day.

the day before the breaking of the fellowship(because I�m lazy)

ESM: Um. I'm going to hazard a guess and say that that is a title.

Naurien took her stuff out of the boat, and started to make a little camping area for herself.

Eowyn: Cuz she's spesssshule!

Pippin walked up to her area. �Could I stay with you tonight? I don�t feel safe around here.�

Boromir: So he goes and asks a GIRL for protection?
Eowyn: Hey.
Boromir: Sorry, but I mean it. He's surrounded by seasoned warriors, plus his best friends, and he still doesn't feel safe, so he goes and asks to sleep over with the FEMALE Elf?

He looked like a lost child.

Boromir: Maybe a demented one, too. Do a thing like that...

Her face cracked

ALL: Yes!

into

Gimli: Many, many pieces.
ESM: Like my mirror.

one of those faces that most girls make when they see a cute something.

Boromir: Like a demented kid.

�Awwww ...of cource you can stay with me Pip.� She got up and hugged him for no reason.

ESM: I don't think even Naurien is capable of doing something without some sort of reason.
She gasped, and did that supid squeeling thing that we girls do all the time.

ESM: Right, Eowyn?
Eowyn: ::shakes head:: Must be a modern girl thing.

�It�ll be a slumber party!�

Elladan: Of two...or are more invited?

Pippin just stared at her, then got his stuff. (can�t you imagine Pippin doing that? It would be sooooo cute!)

Boromir: Imagine him getting his stuff?

Later, she found a jiffy-pop-corn kit.

ESM: ::incredulous:: A jiffy-pop-corn kit?! Good lord, what next?!

�This would be so fun to use right now, but it would be too noisy.�

Gimli: Wow, all of a sudden she's being cautious. Did a few arrows flying over her head get the message to her?
ESM: Are you guys noticing that the vast majority of our comments in this chapter are actually questions?
Boromir: It is the most flabbergasting chapter yet, in my opinion.
Elladan: We should have Nerwen over for an interview.

When she looked more, she found several cans of Campbell�s (that is how its spelled, I even went into the kitchen cabinet to find out.

ESM: Oh, well, at least you did some research.

) chicken noodle soup.

Elladan: She just goes around finding these 20th century items scattered on the banks of the Anduin? Or is it the magic backpack again?
ESM: I swear that backpack belongs in a Mary Poppins or Harry Potter fic.

She walked over to where the fellowship was sharpening their sword/resting/getting firewood/smoking/whatever else they were doing

ESM: Argh! make up your mind, are you using 'fellowship' in a plural or singular sense?

with a pot

Gimli: No doubt also drawn from the portable department store, because Sam would never let her touch his.

and said, �I can make dinner!�

Eowyn: So can I!
ESM: ::chokes::
Eowyn: What?
ESM: Bad fanfic, that's all.

�Go ahead,� they repied dully.

Boromir: Because they knew they'd have to make their REAL dinner themselves anyway.

�I will!�

ESM: (Naurien) I'm emphatic!

She put the pot on some rocks

Gimli: That's nice.

that she expertly placed

Elladan: Of course. Expertly. That freaky teeny Sue!

and dumped the soup in, with the required amout of water. Everyone looked at it with raised eyebrows. �what?�

Gimli: Who said that?

�That soup is mostly water!� said Sam.

Elladan: Right you are, Sam! Then again, most soup is mostly water.
Boromir: I believe hobbit soup tends towards the stewy, though.

She pointed to the can. �It�s condensed soup.�
�What does that mean?� asked Merry.

ESM: ::smirks:: (Naurien) That it's condensed! Isn't that obvious?

�It just means that the broth got.....ummmm they sorta took it and....uhhhhh.....I can really describe it,

Gimli: Of course you can.

its like the people who made it, squashed it together, but if you add water, it�ll turn back to normal.�

ESM: ::contemplates statment:: Soo, this object, similar to the people who made it, was squashed. Were the people who made it also squashed, in a similar manner, or does the similarity not extend to squashing?
Eowyn: You're making me dizzy, Essie.
Gimli: She can look up how to spell Campbell's Soup but she can't look up the definition of 'condensed'.
ESM: Gimli News. We report, you decide.
Boromir: How did you do that to your voice?
ESM: I don't know, and I'm sure I can't do it again.

�Oh,� they all said.

Boromir: Not at all enlightened, but desperate to shut the obnoxious twit up.

When it was done, she said, not yelled,

ALL: ::raise an eyebrow::
Elladan: I guess that was important?
ESM: ::sighs:: You never know with this story.

�Soup�s on!�

Eowyn: ::disgusted:: Really, who cares? They weren't even excited that she'd offered to make dinner, why announce that it's on?
Boromir: ::darkly:: I think she talks to herself.
Elladan: ::in even more sinister tone:: Like Essie.

They brought they bowls/plates/eating dishes

ESM: As opposed to satellite dishes, I believe.

up to Naurien and eyed the steaming food doubtfully. But when they ate a spoonful, they acctually liked it.

Elladan: Since a Sue's cooking is always acceptable, even when it's just 20th century canned condensed soup.

Eventually when it got dark, they all gathered around the fire and told stories.

Boromir & Gimli: Huh?
Gimli: Fire?
Boromir: Are you kidding?

�Hey! I�ll tell you a ghost story!� they all looked up, because everyone else had just told stories about their culture(gimli, the hobbits)

Elladan: The gimli culture! Are you a part of that culture, Gimli?
Gimli: NO.

and were quite bored.

Eowyn: Ach, stories about other cultures are so boring.
ESM: Oh, of course.

�A ghost story? I�ll listen.� said Merry.

Elladan: (Merry) I haven't had enough of ghosts already, between the Barrow-wights and Nazgul.

�Me too!� Pippin grinned.

She lowered her voice so it was barely above a whisper and widened her eyes. �One rainy night, a man went to an inn. This one inn, had three floors,

Boromir: (Merry) But no hobbit would go up two floors, much less three.

so it would be very unfortunate to fall from a window.�

Eowyn: Pretty stupid too.

the hobbits were gathered around her, listening intently. Aragorn, and Legolas smirked at each other after seeing the hobbits.

ESM: ::frowns:: I thought they saw the hobbits all the time.

�That man was fearful of everything and was very cautious. He walked into the inn and the innkeeper said, �Sorry, we�ve got no more rooms, �cept for the on the third and that one�s haunted.� The man took the room anyways and when he got there an eery voice sounded through the room. �I�m gonna get you. I�m gonna get you.� the frightened traveler was so scared, that he ran out the window.

Eowyn: ::winces:: Ouch.

A second man came to the inn, he was pretty brave. He also took the room, the one that was haunted.� the hobbits were staring at her with theie mouths open. The rest, Legolas, Gimli, Boromi,

Elladan: When did he join the Fellowship?
Gimli: ::shrugs:: Ah, you know, Fellows come and go in this story.

and Aragorn were now also listening intently. �when he got to the room, the same voice made itself heard: �I�m gonna get you. I�m gonna get you!� That man, was pretty brave, so he looked around, then, he checked the cupbords, but he couldn�t find it. He heard it again. �I�m gonna get you. I�m gonna get you.� The man was so frightened, that he also ran out the window. One last man came to the inn, he was as brave as they come. He went up to the room, and he heard the same eery voice. he also looked all around the room, and in the cupbords. But, he also saw the door to the attic. He went up the stairs and opened the door, he saw a very horrifiying sight. He saw a.......

ESM: teeny Mary Sue, wearing headphones and howling a pop song with the refrain, "I'm gonna get you" as she practiced some absurd music video dance moves.

� They were all holding their breath.

Eowyn: Oh dear.

�I think I�ll tell you all tomorow, I gotta go to sleep. Good night."

Boromir: I'm sure Miss Nerwen's intention was to leave us all very frustrated, but I must confess the story bored me to sleep. Only that confounded contraption set into the chairs that give you a huge jolt everytime you nearly fall asleep kept me from snoring.

She got up, kissed Boromir on the cheek and called, �Pippin, come on.�
�Coming,� he said running over,

ESM: My cup runneth over.
Gimli: What?
ESM: Nevermind.

and those two went to sleep,

Elladan: Oi.

leaving the rest of the fellowship baffled.

Boromir: I just decided I'm not going to say what I was going to say.

The next morning, Naurien made breakfast, mostly because she somehow had eggs and sausage in her back pack.

ESM: Don't be ridiculous! ::goes into frenzy::

She started the fire with a book of matches she had,

Gimli: Stupid backpack.

and got a frying pan.

Boromir: Not Sam's.

When she was done,

Eowyn: With what, getting the frying pan?

she called everyone over, and they had breakfast. Naurien then noticed something different, Boromir wasn�t constantly looking over at Frodo as he should be doing, trying to get a glimpse of the ring.

Boromir: of course I wasn't! Who cares about a ring? The Ring, now, that was different.

That was going to alter her plan.

ESM: Dun, dun dun DUN!

A few hours later they had a debate on which

ESM: hobbit should become President of the United Farthings of the Shire.

route to take. The last word landed on Frodo,

ESM: (word) ::Splat!::

he asked for a hour�s time to think it through. They all sat wondering what he would choose.

Elladan: Except Naurien. She'd planned for it to happen.
ESM: Surprisingly enough, Frodo had no place in her "plan".
Gimli: Yes, it is astonishing that the most vital missionary of all is almost completely ignored.
Eowyn: I thought she was gonna leave Boromir for Frodo at a...football game?
Boromir: Stop confusing me, people.

�Aragorn, perhaps it is the time to search for Frodo. He has been gone for more than three full hours, and did you not say that the orcs were close?�

Eowyn: Who said that?
Boromir: I said stop confusing me!
Elladan: I think it was the all knowing Sue.
ESM: ::smirks, but says nothing::

�Yes,� said Aragorn. �We will-�

�More than one hour?!� shouted Sam

Gimli: ...who had no sense of time...
Elladan: ....but a very well-developed Frodo tracking system.

. �We must try to find him at once!�
�Wait a moment!� cried Aragorn. �We must divide up into pairs and arrange

ESM: Weddings.

- here, hold on! Wait!� It was no good. They took no heed of him.

Eowyn: The couples eloped, and the wedding feasts spoiled.
Gimli: How...thoughtful?
Boromir: No.

Sam had dashed off first.

Elladan: shouting. (Sam) Come on, Frodo tracker! Do your smelly-work!

Merry and Pippin had followed, and they were already disappearing

ESM: Alas! Why did we not realize it before? All along it was Frodo and Sam who were the decoys: Merry and Pippin have the Ring. And, see, it has possessed them. They are disappearing! Going! Wraiths! Oh, my brother! Cousin! ::weeps::
Boromir: Uhm, That's really not true at all, Essie.
ESM: ::looks up:: It's not? Oh. Very good. Carry on, then.

westward into the trees by the shore, shouting: Frodo! Frodo! in their clear, high hobbit voices.

ESM: Too bad they weren't in a boys choir.

Legolas and Gimli also ran into the wood.

ESM: Pow! And were rendered unconscious.

A sudden madness or panic had fallen upon the company.

ESM: Hey. That gets me thinking. Where did the panic come from? Ah well, that's not for this MST to discuss.

�We shall be scattered and lost.� groaned Aragorn.

Boromir: Eventually, yes.

�Boromir! Naurien! Follow Merry and Pippin!-�

Elladan: ::gasps:: Who does this Aragorn think he is, ordering a Sue around? She'll put him in his place pretty quick.

�Aragorn,� she told him what would happen.

Gimli: Just by saying his name, she conveyed every detail of the rest of his life, plus most events of everyboy else's.

�okay, Frodo needs to go to Mordor alone with Sam. You, Legolas and Gimli must go to Rohan. Boromir and I must go to Gondor.�

Elladan: ::vindicated:: What did I tell you, eh? What did I tell you.

He looked at her with wonder.

Boromir: (Aragorn, wondering) How much more bossy and ridiculous can this kid get?

But she continued, �You need to go and convince Frodo to leave alone, he already was planning to.

ESM: Although he ended up with Sam somehow.

You also need to hinder the uruk-hai.�

Gimli: (Naurien) Because that's certainly not MY job!
Elladan: (Naurien) I will be busy challenging Sauron to a duel.

Aragorn nodded and ran off to find Frodo.

Eowyn: (Naurien, laughing evilly) Gullible one, isn't he? He'll never be king at this rate. I send him off to certain death and perdition and he doesn't even stop to think about it!

�He is at Amon Hen.� She turned to Boromir and smiled , �Let�s go!� and they went after the two.

Gimli: WHICH two?

�They are going to try to take Merry and Pip, because, Saruman said halfling, not Frodo the halfling.� she panted,

Elladan: To herself.

running through the trees. They soon hear the sceeches of orcs as Merry and Pippin did some of them in. Boromir crashed through the trees to get to them more easily.

ESM: Crashing through trees is easier than...what? Running through them? Is there really a difference? Is either possible?

Naurien cried out to Boromir, �Amin khiluva lle a�gurtha ar�thar!(i will follow you to death and beyond)�

Boromir: I'm sure Boromir knew that.
Eowyn: You are Boromir.
Boromir: I know.

She also ran out, but she then

Gimli: I've come to the conclsuion that someone has a real affinity for the word 'then'.

felt something tug on her foot,

ESM: And perhaps an aversion for correct punctuation...

she fell flat on her face. �Dammit!� she cried out. The uruks were laughing at her

Boromir: broken nose.

. She ran over and cut a head off.

ESM: I've still got sand in my shoes.
Elladan: What has that got to do with anything here?
ESM: Nothing. The song is stuck in my head.

�Not a good time to lose one�s head.�

Eowyn: Just out of cruiosity, when IS a good time to lose one's head?
ESM: I'm not sure, but she's bringing out the random movie quotes. The ones I recognize, anyway.

She tripped another

Boromir: Head?

with her sword. �That�s not the way to get a head in life.� she contiued to the lifeless body.

Gimli: In her pointless fashion.

Then she remembered the arrows. �Boromir, watch out for the archerer!�

Eowyn: ::titters::
Gimli: ::mimicing Naurien:: Boromir, watch out for the arch-er-er!

she yelled while she continued

Gimli: Wow, 'continued' is spelled correctly. I was beginning to think there was no hope.

to fight.

But, she had her back turned to a massive orc coming over the slope. The archerer.

Eowyn: ::howling:: The archer-er!
Boromir: The ARCHER-ER!
Elladan: This is giving me bad flashbacks to my father-er in #1.
ESM: Me too.

He loaded his bow. A white-hot pain filled her back.

Boromir: ::gratefully:: I never thought I'd ever say this, but, I love that Uruk now.

She held back a scream. She looked over her shoulder to see a black-feathered arrow sticking out from her back.

Gimli: I knew she was a contortionist. Who after being shot can twist enough to look over their shoulder to see the arrow sticking out of their back?
Boromir: I can guarantee nobody in his right mind would try it.

Her vision began to cloud. A few seconds later, something large hit the top of her head.

ESM: ::monotone:: The sky is falling and it hit her head.

That�s when she truely knew the meaning of �the iron fist of the orc.�

ESM: They do say experience is knowlege. ::pauses:: Or something like that. "To do is to know"?

She blacked out, only hearing the cries of the orcs, and Boromir�s horn. She had failed him. And the hobbits......�n Griffin her doggie......�n Delta ...she missed Delta.

Boromir: Yay, I'm dead.
Gimli: Don't sound very enthusiastic.
Boromir: Is it something to be enthusiastic about?
ESM: Oh, come on, this is a Boromir romance, you don't die.
Boromir: Stop it. you're confusing me again. My remaining brain cells are overworked already.

She vaguely remember getting picked up and carried off, but no more

ESM: Twist! Good grief, now I'm quoting Beatrix Potter...

Author�s note: hey everybody!

Elladan: Stop saying 'hey'!

I worked hard on the chappie!

ESM: Work harder or give up.

hope you�re happy.

Gimli: Essie's earlier metaphor still applies.

and no boromir doesn�t die,

ESM: See

but Naurien doesn�t know that does she.

Eowyn: I get the feeling she wasn't asking us.

and to warn you, she is going to swear a whole lot in the next chapter.

ESM: Why?

Preview of the next chpter!

�So, do you guys get to talk while you work?� she asked the orc.
the uruk remained silent.
�Are there any girl orcs?�
nothing
�Do you ever read?�
still nothing
�Can you talk?�
still nothing
�You�re boring...� then something hit her side.
�WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!!??� she yelled at them.
�Shut up, he doesn�t speak the commen tongue

Elladan: I don't think anybody does.

and the answers to your stupid questions: yes, no, no, yes. and shut up.�

ESM: Where did you come up with the idea there are no female orcs? How do they reproduce so quickly? How do you "breed orcs with goblin men" without females? They were Elves at one point. If you're thinking of the movie's illustration of an Uruk birth, where do the Uruks come from? Otherwise, this is the funniest thing to hit this awful fanfic.

�Are we there yet?�
�No.�
�Are we there yet?�
�No.�

eeeeeeeee

Elladan: Hey, more secret coding.