The Fire-Sue

Part 1...In which Elladan misses his sick brother, his royal sister gets eddyucated, and a dead man comes to enjoy the show, too.

ESM: ::cheerfully:: Hello, people! Time for another one of our annoying MSTs of an only slightly less annoying Mary Sue! This time, Gimli and Elladan will be my moral support.
Gimli: ::enthusiastically:: Hi!
Elladan: ::pathetically:: I miss my brother.
ESM: I'm sorry. We will have a guest MSTer in soon. Elrohir was...indisposed.
Gimli: Yeah, that clam chowder...it's a good thing I have an iron stomach.
Elladan: And a good thing he didn't let us try any.
Gimli: ::barely masked glee:: Poor Legolas, though.
ESM: ::severely:: Ahem. Anyway, on with business. I don't own this fic, because I have too much self-respect-
Elladan: No, you don't.
ESM: Whatever. It's not mine. I think I asked permission but I haven't gotten an answer. Lord of the Rings isn't mine either.
Gimli: Then why in Middle-Earth are WE here?
ESM: Entertainment value. Shut up. I'm not making money from this. The Original may be found here: http:www.fanfiction .net/s/1764037/1/ This MST is rated PG- 13. And now, on with the show!
::lights dim::

The Fire Maiden
Nerwen Elendil

Hello readers! I hope you like this.

Elladan: ::grumpily:: They always say that.

I'm really bad at writing but please read on!

ESM: Why? Why? So we can MST your bad writing? Wow. Great minds think alike, eh?
Gimli: Um, you're not allowed to go psycho this early in the process, Essie.

Oh yeah! Her name means "fire maiden" in elvish.

ESM: Who's 'her'? The Mary Sue, mayhap?

Isn't that cool!

Elladan: Weeeel, fire isn't usually cool...in fact I would say it is invariably hot.

Naurien was woken suddenly with, "Time to get up!" and a pound on her door from her mother.

ESM: Money! Money money money!!! Let's go to England, Elladan!

She groaned and rolled out of bed.

Elladan: And broke her neck. The End.
ESM: Not yet! Don't you want to meet the mystery guest?

Grumbling, She got dressed and went to the bathroom to clean up.

ESM: Clean up what?
Elladan: The blood underneath her nails.

ESM: More cleaning.

Naurien opened the cabinet doors under the sink and took out the paper towels, pet-stain remover, and a sponge. A minute later after cleaning up her stupid dog's mess, she was washing her hands.

Gimli: Was there a reason we needed to know all that?

She walked over to the refrigerator and looked inside. 'Great!' she thought. 'No milk,' Next, she looked in the bread box. 'No good bread for toast either!'

Gimli: I'm crying already.

The frustrated girl

Elladan: Frustrated girl. Bad sign.

grabbed the bucket by the door and threw it into the sink to fill it. She put her boots on

ESM: Because you know the old saying. She wanted to die with her boots on.

while she was waiting for the water to fill the bucket, her horse neeed two buckets of water for the day. She picked up the full bucket and put the other in and filled that one as well. She pushed her dark brown, almost black hair out of her face.

Elladan: How much do you wanna bet that dark-brown-almost-black hair is what the authoress has?

ESM: One pound.
Elladan: You are kinda fat...
ESM: ::glares:: I am NOT! I meant the pound the girl's mother left on the door!
Gimli: Are you sure you should have that pound, Essie? Afterall, the girl's MOTHER gave it to her.

Then got both buckets of water and walked out of the open door

Gimli: Thanks for that little detail. I'm sure normally she walks out of a closed door...
Elladan: ...but since today is a special day she decided to walk out of an OPEN door like normal people. ::glances at ESM:: Or, well, some not normal people, too.

and to the paddock.

ESM: Ooo, the tyrannosaur paddock?

"Hey Del," she said as she skipped over the tape fencing.

ESM: I've never met a tape fence. Except when waiting in line at a bank or something.

She held out her hand but to Delta's disappointment that she held nothing in he walked off.

Gimli: ::throwing up his hands helplessly:: If I knew what that jumble of words meant I'd be able to say something about it.

While she gave him his grain and hay she sang, May it be, by Enya.

Elladan: That's...nice...
ESM: And now we are to be graced with the lyrics, if I'm not mistaken.

Gimli: I never could figure out exactly what that song meant.
ESM: I've never been able to figure out what ANY song meant, Gimli.
Elladan: ::muttering:: Not surprising.
New Voice: ::inquiring:: And I'm not sure why I'm here...?
All: ::Jump, startled::
Gimli: ::incredulously staring at the newcomer sitting next to him:: Boromir?
ESM: Greetings, milord!
Boromir: ::courteously:: Do I have the pleasure of addressing the lady Essie?
ESM: That's right.
Boromir: Of course. Ever since my heroic death my memory has been somewhat untrustworthy. Hello, Gimli, Elladan.
Elladan: ::accusingly:: You don't call ME 'milord', Essie.
ESM: So? Anyway, we need to get on with this story. Milord, "MSTs for Dummies" awaits you under your recliner. Feel free to join us when you're ready. ::settles back to sip her lemonade and read::

Boromir: ::glancing up briefly from his book:: How exciting.
ESM: ::happily:: Wonderful, milord! You're getting the hang of it!

She tied it into a simple ponytail at the back of her neck. When she stepped out, her mother said quietly while walking by, "Please cover your ears."

Gimli: (mother, enthusiastically) I'm about to blow the Horn of Gondor!
Boromir: Whatever happened to my cloven horn, anyway?
ESM: ::uncomfortably:: I believe Faramir has the pieces in memory of you.
Boromir: Oh. Well that's all right then.

Elladan: Self-absorbed, are we?

wondering if she was an elf.

Gimli: Some people wonder if I'm an Elf sometimes too.
ESM: ::staring:: I can't believe you would say such a thing, Gimli!
Gimli: I didn't.
Elladan: ::chuckling:: That was me. Pretty good, aren't I? Woah! Help! Ow!
::ESM and Boromir pull the Dwarf off of Elladan, but not before Gimli has delivered a few non-lethal blows to the Elf's head.::
ESM: ::sighs:: We are never going to get through this fic unless you two behave. That's an order!
Elladan & Gimli: Yes, ma'am.

She had pointed ears,

ESM: ::incredulous:: THAT is why her mother told her to cover her ears? Discrimination!
Elladan: ::still rubbing his head:: You use that word so many times I can't always figure out whether you're joking or serious.
ESM: I'm joking.

but The Lord of the Rings was only a movie.

ESM: Actually, it was a book too.
Gimli: ::darkly:: It was my reality.

But yet, she wished that the fellowship would come to her house.

ESM: Yeah, for like Trading Spaces!
All except ESM: Huh?
ESM: Uhm, nevermind.

She looked over at the door. Her backpack lay beside it. The backpack that she stupidly pack a while ago thinking that, somehow, she would get to go with the fellowship.

Boromir: Notwithstanding the fact that The Fellowship took place ages ago.
ESM: ::drily:: Everyone take note of the subtle foreshadowing.

She than burst out laughing. Naurien picked up her sword.

Elladan: And thrust it through�
ESM: ::interrupting:: I don't want to hear it, Dan.
Elladan: --through an imaginary orc?
Gimli: Nice save.
Elladan: Shut up.

It wasn't an exact replica, but it looked like Frodo's Sting, and Aragorn's Anduril.

Elladan: At the same time?
Boromir: ::sarcastically, closing 'MSTs for Dummies' and replacing it under his seat:: No, actually during the day it looked like Anduril and at night it looked like Sting.
ESM: ::clapping her hands:: You're a natural, milord!
Elladan: (to Boromir) Is she making fun of you with all that 'milord' nonsense?
Boromir: ::incensed:: Nonsense? I AM a Lord of Gondor.

It was long

ESM: That kinda rules out Sting, then.

and had elvish inscriptions on it. It was very beautiful. She sheathed the sword and got dressed to go to sleep. She usually went back to sleep at that time.

Gimli: But...she just got up!

Back with the fellowship..........

Boromir: Last time I was back with the Fellowship I got killed.
Elladan: Back? Did I miss something?
ESM: I think the authoress was just trying to be cute.

"Into the mines!" cried Gandalf. Everyone lunged for the door. The watcher wrapped its tentacles around the beams in hope to catch up to its prey, instead, bringing down the doorway leaving them trapped inside.

ESM: Oh, great, the run-ons are back.

"We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places." Stated Gandalf wearily.

Elladan: Such as..Mary Sues!

Suddenly, a mirror-like circle formed on the floor of the cave. In surprise, they all fell in, except Gandalf.

Gimli: I don't recall any such occurence...

He had planned for the time portal to take them away from harm, but they would come back when the elf, Naurien was with them.

ESM: All I can say is...DUH.
Elladan: ::nodding:: Eloquent.

They crashed into a heaping pile of some unknown wood.

::silence::
Elladan: I'm not...I'm not quite sure what that means.

"Mushrooms!" cried the hobbits. And for the next few minutes, they were clustered around the patch of food.

Boromir: ::chuckles:: That sounds very like them.
ESM: ::sighs:: If only the delivery of the sentence wasn't so...cheesy.

Legolas spotted something red in the woods ahead.

Gimli: Yes, he was aways playing 'I Spy'. Show off.

He walked forward and heard the snort of a horse.

Naurien dreamed about sailing on a ship. She woke up after the ship crashed into a rock.

ESM: That's an original way to relate a dream. Usually it gets very flowery and you're made to think it's actually happening, only to be (in this case) devastated by reality.
Elladan: ::sadly:: I did so want her to die from the crash...

She got up and opened her windows.

Elladan: I'm bored.

It was still the beautiful summer's day that it had been a couple hours ago.

ESM: Why, does she live in one of those climates whose weather changes without two hours notice?

Suddenly, she heard confused voices outside.

Boromir: But actually, they were INSIDE her head.
ESM: (as voice) Jump out the window and break your neck! Then sue the builder for constructing such a hazard without putting iron bars in the window and painting great yellow signs declaring, "Fall from window may result in serious injury or death".

"Ele mellon nin!" the voice said. "There is a stable with a beast ahead!"

ESM: ::singing:: It's a beast/It's got fangs/Razor-sharp ones!
Elladn: We are going to duct tape your mouth shut if you don't stop trying to sing.

Next she heard light footfalls upon the dead leaves on the ground. "There is also a house after it!"

Boromir: ::laughing hysterically:: Will the house catch the stable with the beast in it, or will the stable with the beast safely outrun the house?
ESM: How do you know they were running? They could be...riding bikes, or something.
Boromir: ::baffled:: Bikes?
Elladan: Modern mode of transportation consisting of bars, gears and two wheels.
Boromir: Oh. What an...illustrative...description...

Gimli: Now how does HE know that?
Boromir: I guess the house and stable with the beast have..biked...a safe distance away.

Naunien rammed her feet into some shoes

ESM: Ow. If Merry were here, he'd be cringing.
Boromir: Where is Merry?
ESM: Helping Arwen with the catering. You can talk to him when we break for snacks.

and ran outside with Her sword around her waist.

ESM: I realize that's a perfectly licit idiom, but it never fails to take me aback.

"Aragorn! Legolas!"

"Who calls us?" Legolas asked Aragorn.
"Let us find out." He replied. "It sounded like a young maiden's voice."

Elladan: Beware! 'Tis the dwimmerlaik known as Mary Sue!

Gimli: You already said he was walking.
Boromir: Maybe the narrator just wanted to clarify that he hadn't suddenly started biking towards the house.
Gimli: He hasn't started biking by default.
Boromir: I know, I was just...throwing out an idea.

Naurien ran to him and hugged a very surprised Aragorn.

ESM: How did she know it was Aragorn and not Boromir?
Boromir: ::hurt:: We aren't identical twins, you know.
ESM: Well, but she'd never seen either of you.
Gimli: It was a fifty-fifty chance. And being a Sue, she lucked out.

"What are you doing!?" he asked.

Elladan: (Naurien) Basically, I'm trying to get you to...uhh...I'm not sure.

"I've been waiting so long and now you're here!" she went into hysterics.

ESM: (Naurien, hysterically) Yes, ever since the movie came out a couple years ago!

"I think this girl has gone mad." Said Aragorn.

Boromir: The narrator said hysterics.

"I am not insane! Just mad with happiness!" she cried.

ESM: ::whistles::
ESM & Elladan: ::in unison:: Denial!

"Who is she?" asked Pippin when they came over.

ESM: ::pursing her lips for a moment:: It. What is IT, Pippin.

"I think we would like to know the same." Said Gimli.

Elladan: You have multiple personalities, Dwarf?
Gimli: ::darkly:: Was that a question or a statement?
ESM: Don't you two start again.

"My name is

Elladan: Mary Sue. How are you?

Naurien." She said.
"Fire maiden?" repeated Legolas.

Elladan: Because he was so dense.

"That's it!" she said happily.

ESM: (Naurien) Like a preschool teacher to a backward pupil.

"Right, so where are we?" asked Sam.

Gimli: Ahh, yes, Sam. Always so practical. And we were just getting into the meanings of Mary Sues' Elvish names, too. Kill-joy.
"You're not in Middle earth that's for sure!"

Boromir: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

she was still hyper

Elladan: Or maybe just stark, raving mad.

and sounding one of those vacation tour guides who are always too perky.

ESM: (Naurien) I've never met a vacation tour guide, but I'm sure they're too perky.

"Then where are we?" he repeated

Boromir: ::approvingly:: That's right, Sam! Don't let the Sue monopolize the conversation. Be persistent.

"Just regular earth." She answered.

ESM: How BORING.
Gimli: Quite.
ESM: Except for my beautiful MST theater.
Elladan: No�
ESM: ::glares at him::
Elladan: Erm, No doubt about it!
ESM: ::smiles::
Gimli: Nice going, Elf.
Elladan: ::mutters something unintelligable::

"Where were you guys last in Middle- earth?"

ESM: Pop quiz!
Elladan: Well, actually Gimli and I were in the Undying Lands, which technically isn't Middle-Earth.
Boromir: And I was in the Halls of Mandos.
ESM: ::curiously:: How DO they set up the Halls of Mandos?
Boromir: I'm not allowed to tell.

"We were just entering Moria when some bright light enclosed around us." Said Aragorn

Gimli: ...desperately peering into every dark corner in search of Naurien's non-existent grammar book.
."The next thing we knew, we were here." Continued Legolas. Naurien took Aragorn to the side

Elladan: Of bacon?!
Gimli: ::to Boromir:: I think he's hungry.

. "Where is Gandalf?"

ESM: (Aragorn) Las Vegas making millions.

"We do not know. He was with us, but he didn't show up with us in this new- world." He said. Then he suddenly laughed.

ESM: (Aragorn) Ahahahaha! Gandalf is all by himself in the deep dark caves! Ahahahah!

The four hobbits had found another small bunch of mushrooms.

Boromir: All right, once was cute, but twice is redundant.
ESM: I'm not sure why, but that sentence offended me deeply.
Elladan: Why? The grammar and spelling are perfect.
ESM: I think it's the attempt to be cute. It makes me sick. ::shrugs::

Legolas was making friends with Delta. She joined him. "He has a long past. Did he once have an illness upon his skin?" he asked.

ESM: Of course. Most things have once had an illness upon their skin. Germs, you know?
Boromir: Germs?

"Yes, long ago when he lived with someone else." She replied. "He is my best friend. I would go mad without him."

ESM: You are mad WITH him. Someday reality will hit you right between the eyes, and you'll be living in a white padded cell and a strait jacket.

She continued stroking his neck.

Gimli: ::suspiciously:: Whose neck?

"He seems to have a very strong bond with you."
"Yes, I love him very much. When we ride, he cares so much for my protection that he spooks at anything.

Boromir: Causing him to rear and throw me. That's how much he cares.

He follows my thoughts rather my commands."

ESM: Be careful what you think, then.

"Would you like to show me?"
"Sure," She hopped on his back with a leg up. She cantered around the large paddock,

ESM: 'Course it was large, that's where the T-Rex lives!
Gimli: There ARE other paddocks, Essie.
ESM: ::stubbornly:: No there aren't.

holding onto his mane to stay on. When she completed a length around the circled fencing.

ESM: Must...finish...fragment...
Elladan: Okay. (as Legolas) I meant the part about him spooking and throwing you. That would have been funny.

ESM: ::suggestively:: You could leave Legolas outside. Then it would be only seven strangers.

So, did ya like it?

ESM: Not really.
Boromir: I like true stories.
Elladan: It's quite pathetic and cliche.
Gimli: I didn't like my line.

Please review! My horse actually is like that, though, right now, I'm working on walking bareback!

ESM: Hmm. Not only is this a glorified self-insertion, but also a pet horse insertion!
::lights go on::
ESM: Oh, do you guys want some snacks? Chapter's over.
Elladan: Chocolate.
Boromir: So this is when I can go talk to Merry?
ESM: Yes. And Pippin, I think, unless he's gotten into Elrohir's clam chowder too.
::The four MSTers troop over to the lazy susan, where Arwen and Merry are standing ready to take their orders.::

Boromir: Greetings, Meriadoc.
Merry: Hi? Who are you?
Boromir: Boromir, you woolly-pated numbskull! Aren't you happy to see me?
Merry: Boromir? Really?! I thought you were dead!
Boromir: I...am.
Merry: Oh.
ESM: ::grinning:: Guess they'll have a little catching up to do. I'd like a half a ham sandwich and a garden salad, both doused with ranch dressing, Arwen. And a little toffee.
Arwen: Gotchya, suga. ::snaps gum:: What'll you be havin', bro?
Elladan: Chocolate for me, sister. Why do you sound like a 50's waitress?
Arwen: Essie's friends are eddyucatin me in the lingo, honey. I'm gettin' in the groove. ::snaps gum obnoxiously::
ESM: ::suspiciously:: Which friends are those, again? I don't have any retro friends.
Arwen: ::taken aback:: Oh, well, I just assumed they were your pals because they were in the kitchen having ice cream.
ESM: ::frantically:: My ice cream! Arwen, please get them out of there, I don't know who they are.
Arwen: How? Ro and Legolas are still sick!
ESM: Well, between you and Merry figure something out. Move!
Gimli: Shouldn't we go help them?
ESM: ::shaking her head:: Can't. The doors have an automatic locking system. We're stuck here until the fic ends.
Elladan: Don't you have an override?
ESM: No...that would defeat the whole purpose.
Boromir: Well, let's hurry up and finish this thing then!
::lights dim::