Analyzation of Episode on a City Bus
I knew that because of my �whiteness� I was probably the only one who was in a position to say anything. After all, it was because of my �whiteness� that I had the courage to stand up and say something. It was my sense of �whiteness� that I thought was under attack. It was that man that made my �whiteness� repulsive to the other individuals on the bus. I thought that maybe other individuals on the bus had heard him. If that hypothesis is true then I can only guess what would result.
I did not take into account that maybe I would be attacked for standing up for what is morally correct. I thought that maybe some of the other individuals on the bus either might have been oppressed in similar ways before so they may have grown accustomed to the situation. I thought that maybe some did not respond out of fear due to a sense of powerlessness or a threat of violence. I also thought that some probably did not hear what he said.
During the time I spent preparing this auto-ethnography, I realized that there were other issues that were going on in my subconscious. I am still perplexed and troubled by the situation, probably because I was not consciously aware that these concepts played such a huge role in this situation. The concepts that I was not consciously aware of include deny and minimize and �white privilege�.
I did not realize that deny and minimize was present until I was proofreading this paper. I was not really looking to see if I could add to the length of the paper or if I analyzed the situation as much as I could. Yet this concept called out to me, I had to include it somewhere. I needed to include it, because I made a judgmental error early on in this situation that I was able to rectify without anyone noticing my mistake. I was guilty of denying the fact that this guy was being a racist. I was not denying that this was a problem, but I was denying what I clearly heard. I believe that I was guilty partially because here was a white man who was exhibiting racism in a way, which caused me to be uncomfortable. Here was a white man who by his actions was making me look bad. Here I wanted to avoid the situation. Here I am taking this geography class at school, learning about issues dealing with racism, and I only have one option here as a Christian, but I do not want to
I now realize why this situation bothered me so much this last month and a half. It is because I myself was still resisting the fact that this moment was a huge turning point in my life. I now boldly admit that this particular situation was a crucial part of the development of my white identity. This event was my disintegration. After I decided that I would not deny the fact that the man was a racist, I decided to take a stand.
I felt so belittled by the remarks that were said by some of the individuals on the bus because of my actions that I started talking about race issues within the ministry in which I serve. It was here that I was being forced by other individuals within the ministry to enter the reintegration phase of my development.
Instead of reintegrating though, I chose to enter my pseudo-independent stage. I never rejected my membership in my white groups though. I will admit that I attend a Spanish speaking church, though I do so because that is where God has called me. I am very active there and well accepted. I think that it may have been because of my experiences in this congregation that has allowed me to experience this class the way I have. I know some, if not most, white individuals in this class have at some point struggled with the information and concepts that are being presented. I have never been aware of my struggles in this class; however, I am aware that I started paying more attention in class, and looking forward to class with a lot more anticipation after my disintegration.
Currently, I am going through my immersion/emersion stage. This stage is being helped along through an assignment in another one of my classes this semester. I find this stage to be an interesting and challenging one. Trying to find other white anti-racists has proven to be a daunting task. Trying to find �real� Christians that are also white anti-racists is even more challenging�I have found none thus far.
At the same time, I find myself simultaneously beginning my autonomy stage. Every time I spot problems with race, I am compelled to try to correct and inform. This has been challenging, but fun at the same time. I find that this line of work is rather interesting and I enjoy it so much. This is my newly discovered sense of self-identity that I hope is not just a passing stage.
I was not thinking �white privilege� at all, but I was taking advantage of it. After all, I know if I was an African-American that I would not feel comfortable or relatively safe talking to this man about the situation. I had the impression that this man wanted to cause physical harm to me and would have if he were not on the bus. I could only imagine how much more so that would be the case for an African-American.
I, knowing what �white privilege� was at the time, acted totally without thinking. If anyone was going to show this man that he was in the wrong, then it had to be a white man. Any other individual, of any other race, would have probably have been ignored or received drastically different treatment than I did.
True for Us Today???
Programs Work
route to the Garden of Gethsemane)