Raw is War
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by NutCup Scoot Kieth
- Welcome to another re-crank, as the original Royal Rumble 2001 review, done as I was watching the show in January, is pretty darn embarrassing. It's hard to believe how much I've developed in the past two months.
- My book, Buzz on Smark Writing is available on Amazon.com (now up to place # 6382 in the sales ranks!) as well as at a Noble Barney's near YOU. Kurt Henning recommends.
- As for my next book, I was planning on writing a little something called "Shitty Wrestling Promotion OF DOOM~!", going into detail about World Championship Wrestling and why it sucked and why it died. However, some people in what we I like to call the publishing "biz" talked me out of it at the last minute, after telling me there was no market for anything whatsoever related to WCW.
- And so, I came up with my next proposal for a follow-up: "Shitty Garbage Promotion OF DOOM~!", in which I'd go into detail about Extreme Championship Wrestling and why it sucked and why it died. For some reason, that one didn't get a good reaction either.
- Finally, it was decided that I should write a WWF-related book instead. Barring any copyright problem, it'll be called "Tonight... In This Very Ring...OF DOOM~!" Wait for it.
- Now, onto more important matters. My DVD collection continues to grow, with recent purchases including (but not limited to -- I won't tell you about the more risque material other than that it involves whale blubber) "the Sound of Music", "3 Ninjas; High Noon at Mega Mountain", and "King Ralph". I am also planning to buy "Life and Times of Rush Limbaugh vol. 1." That is, as soon as they make it.
- Live from my appartment, Edmonton.. Alberta, Canada.
- Your hosts are Jim "Good Ol' JR" Ross and Jerry "the King" Lawler, your recapper is Scoot "NutCup" Kieth, and his roommate is Zen.
- Opening match, WWF tag team titles: Edge & Christian v. The Dudley Boyz. Brawl to start. Lots of action and then we HIT THE CHINLOCK to slow things down. Bunch of other stuff happens and D-Von…GETS THE TABLE. But no. Other things happen and we have NEW champions at 10:10. This match contained 50% Canadians: ***1/2
- Ladder match, Intercontinental title: Chris Benoit v. Chris Jericho. Time for some CANADIAN VIOLENCE! Benoit goes for the Crossface, but Jericho will not tolerate such CANADIAN INSOLENCE and rolls into the Walls of Jericho. Eh, that spot is played. Eh? Benoit posts him and hits a shoulderbreaker, and Jericho comes back with a forearm. He tries the springboard dropkick, but Benoit has the CANADIAN GOOD SENSE to move out of the way. Both guys are showing some really innovative CANADIAN OFFENCE here. Looks like both guys will try to win this at any CANADIAN EXPENSE. It's almost unbearable, this CANADIAN SUSPENSE. Dropkick puts Benoit down, and Jericho crotches him in the ladder’s rungs in the corner. That'll cause some CANADIAN IMPOTENCE. There's so much going on here, you must excuse me if I'm being a CANADIAN NOT MAKING SENSE. Then, Y2J applies the Walls of Jericho on top of the ladder! Big reaction from the crowd for that one, but if he's expecting this to end via submission he's under a FALSE CANADIAN PRETENSE. Benoit kicks the ladder over with his last bit of energy and we have a double-KO spot. Someone should bring out some CANADIAN INCENSE to wake them up. Jericho gets the ladder first and flattens Benoit, but Benoit yanks him off it and puts him in the Crossface on the way down to further damage the shoulder. It's as if he has a CANADIAN SIXTH SENSE for when to put that on. Let's hope that Jericho can afford the CANADIAN MEDICAL EXPENSE to get the shoulder fixed. Bunch of chair spots, and Jericho manages to climb the ladder (bad shoulder and all) and claim his fourth Intercontinental title at 18:48. Nothing does my heart good like two Canadians pounding the CANADIAN EXCREMENTS out of each other. ************3/4 Would have been a bit higher with less of the CANADIAN SLOW-CLIMB NONSENSE. But eh, what're you gonna do? Eh?
- WWF Women’s title: Ivory v. Chyna. Chyna goes all "Chyna, Ultimate Warrior Princess" on Ivory. SHITTY HANDSPRING OF DOOM followed by a SHITTY INJURY ANGLE OF DOOM, and the match is over. Chyna was there. DUD.
- Just to let you know, there’s about a million backstage skits throughout the show, but I can't be bothered to recap that in detail. Who do you think I am, CRZ?
- WWF title match: Kurt Angle v. HHH. Wristlock sequence to start, and Angle gets a hiptoss. HHH, who is The Smartest Man in Wrestling, bails. Back in, the Smartest Man in Wrestling pounds him down in the corner, but Angle backdrops him and goes back to the arm. Three suplexes get two. Brawl outside, which HHH (who is The Smartest Man in Wrestling) gets the best of. Back in, Smart Man drop toeholds Angle into a Native American deathlock, and this gives me the opportunity to vent my political views in an environment in an environment where you're less likely to just skip over it. So, let me just say that if this political correctness stuff keeps up much longer, I won't be able to call pinko bastards PINKO BASTARDS anymore! While I'm on the subject, let me just say that Socialists, Democrats, and Greens should all die. Kill them. Kill them. Kill them. All the tree-hugging, queerboy-loving morons who think we should pay taxes (OF DOOM) and that sort of crap should all read an article by Michael Jenkinson. SPREAD THE GOOD WORD! HAIL TO BUSH! HAIL TO BUSH! Oh, and do you know who Bill Maher, or care to read about him? Oh. Maybe I shouldn't spend two hundred words bringing THAT up then? Hey, it's my crank, and I'll just say that when Bill compared mentally retarded people to dogs, he didn't mean anything by it. In fact, it's complementary, as in: "Yo, man. You 'tards are DAWGS!" (and then began singing "WHO LET THE 'TARDS OUT? Woof, woof, woof", but that's another topic). See, nothing wrong with that, eh? Oh, and the best part about these right-wing asides inserted into my cranks? That even if you try to skim over it, chances are you might pick up some of it subconsciously. MUAHAHAHA!
- Oh, the match? Angle wins by pinfall at 24:12. ***8/11
- Royal Rumble: Jeff Hardy is #1, Bull Buchanan is #2. Minutes later, Matt Hardy is #3. Faarooq is #4, and Drew Carey is #5, and hangs out around the ring for a couple of minutes. Now he's all alone, by the way. Kane comes in at #6, at which point he craps himself. I'm not sure if I meant Drew or Kane there. Anyway, Raven comes at #7 and Drew leaves. Al Snow is #8. Perry Saturn is #9, and there is fighting going on. Steve Blackman is #10, and also fights. Grandmaster Sexay is #11. Kane dumps people out and is alone. Numbers 12-18 are Honky Tonk Man, the Rock, the Goodfather, Tazz, Bradshaw, Albert and Hardcore Holly (some of whom get eliminated), respectively. Then, at number nineteen, K-Kwik comes in. Then, Val Venis. William Regal. Test. Big Show makes his return at #23, at which point I must note that he is still fat and slow. You'd think he'd have a grey T-shirt on or something, but no. He chokeslams a bunch of people! Albert! Bradshaw! Venis! Holly! Charlie Sheen! Kane! Rock…no wait, Rock blocks it and dumps Big Show. Big Show drags Rock out and chokeslams him through the table. At this point in my original recap, I fully expected a full-fledged Rock-Big Show feud, but it was not to be, of course. I still believe they'll do the Undertaker/Kane vs the Islanders for the tag belts, though. #24-30 turn out to be The Rest of The Participants, and Austin eliminates Kane to win at 61:31. F***
- The Bottom Line Cuz NutCup Said So: Awesome PPV, meaning I don't have to say "I hate to go the Scaia route" yet again. Good deal. Eh? Eh? Also, I'm Canadian.