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SZZZULCZEWSKI SNOOZE UPDATE



I hate you, Rock . . .
-Jesus and Mary Chain, �I Hate Rock�n�Roll�
(See? It was common knowledge how much Duane Johnson was going to suck)

Forgive the brevity of this report, but I spent last night in a seedy motel room crawling with roaches and hookers, then greeted the first part of today by plucking dead chickens for several hours while beefy ex-Nazis and Mafiosi cursed at me like they were Hitler and Mussolini and I was a Polish Jew fighting at El Alamein. For those of you who keep track of this sort of thing, no, it wasn�t job-related.

Not to toot my own cor anglais, but you can find a new column by yours truly over at The Wrestle Vessel . This column, called �Behind the Sites,� is a close look at the real lives of the people who make this great business of ours (wrestling writing on the Internet) such a dynamic and uber-contentious place. (My lack of knowledge of their real lives is no deterrent to my writing.)

I�d also like to write a brief eulogy for Harrison Farkas, inventor of the high-powered pneumatic enema bag. Since his life held such deep personal meaning for me, I can only assume that his death at the hands (so to speak) of his own invention is just another example of the universe having it in for me personally. Further, the lack of coverage for his death on other wrestling sites and network television is disgraceful.

Without further posturing, let�s move along to the wrestling, though I can�t say I care about any of this. That�s another reason for the aforementioned brevity.

Nitro Results: As you probably noticed, Nitro no longer exists as we once knew it. This saddens me greatly, as it�s one less thing whose glaringly obvious flaws I can point out.

Raw results: Captain Cruddler d. Jambalaya Bucksnort (interference from Two Gays and a Girl). The Last Person Off the Bus d. Walking Ad for the KKK (Classic Chair Calamity). Jim Bob d. the Duke of Earl of Sandwich (clean pin after the Deep Fried Dildo Drop). Anthill Mama v. Miss Bitch went to Double DQ (Double D indeed!). Two Crappy Wrestlers d. Splattered Against the Glass Ceiling (DQ, Get the Fuck Out of My Face run-in). Main event: Satan and the Cripple d. The Man Who Never Loses and Another Cripple (Shit Fuck Crap Bottom, and I still didn�t care).

Raw Reflections: Oh, great, another fifteen-minute interview sequence to open. How many times will I have to tell Vince that I don�t like those? . . . God, what a bunch of pathetic rubes the fans are for cheering He-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless . . . Seeing Andrew Martin just reminds me how wasted he is in plot terms right now. I�m still looking for him, Sean Morley, Adam Copeland, and Jay Reso to hook up in that proposed Canadian Mafia stable, especially since it�ll make Edge and Christian useful and interesting again. Sven and Ken were totally right about that . . . I am absolutely sickened by the racism implicit in the RTC vs. APA angle . . . Just think, last year at this time, Crash Holly was WCW cruiserweight champion. Now he�s in an incestuous relationship with Starla Saxon. How things change . . . I just can�t believe the Al Snow/Albert match was on during the last half hour . . . Does anyone else think that Booker T needs to come over from WCW in an angle where the Semi-Samoan Sapsucker disappears and Booker takes his place and everyone pretends not to know the difference? They can both do spinebusters and uranages, after all . . . Undertaker needs to retire and go back to talking con mortua en lingua mortis . . . I was going to switch over to the Cartoon Network�s �Stop Watching This, You Loser� Marathon during the main event, but I stayed on TNN due to (unfounded) hopes that The Bane of My Worldly Existence might die in some sort of freak accident caused by the guys who were yelling at me earlier today . . . Overall, you�d never know that this show has ever entertained me.

Now I�ll enlighten you with a few Wrestlemania comments. It�s become more than abundantly clear by now that Wrestlemania isn�t any more special than any other pay-per-view, including the one put on by the late, unlamented WOW. If you think the WWF is hyping Wrestlemania more or putting more outstanding matches on it, it�s just a mirage, possibly caused by the waves of hot gas emanating from my belly. Since Wrestlemania looks so good to most people, I just wouldn�t feel right unless I pointed out the indisputable things wrong with it.

First of all, you�ve got good wrestlers being forced to wrestle against good wrestlers. Sure, Benoit and Angle might be ***** in the incontrovertible rating system, but we�ve seen it all before, albeit a year ago and with Chris Jericho involved and before Angle�s tremendous improvement in wresting ability. Still, that�s a letdown, and they�re both up against Trip�s Glas Ceil. And Jericho vs. Regal may be good, but they�ve just had tremendously poor storyline and setup. I think by now we all know the problems with Test/Eddy. The utterly reprehensible shape of the tag team division is blatantly on display in the TLC match. Who cares about any of these teams? They either can�t promo or they can promo but I don�t like them.

The second problem with Wrestlemania is the bad wrestler against bad wrestler matches. The Gimmick Battle Royal won�t be funny at all unless they rehash a joke they�ve done three straight years. Joanie Laurer and Tina Moretti? Who thought that would entertain anyone? I wish those goddamned whores would rot and vanish. Shane and Vince will only be good if it�s overbooked as all hell the way I want rather than overbooked as all hell the way I don�t want. Kane vs. Big Show vs. Raven will also stink. Why couldn�t they devote this time to good wrestlers? Tazz and the APA against the RTC is not only racist, as I have already proven, but it won�t accomplish anything except possibly the end of the RTC, and that�s nothing.

The final big-picture problem with Wrestlemania is the good wrestler against bad wrestler matchups. As I�ve already demonstrated, Undertaker is closer to death than Strom Thurmond mainlining Mexican tar with an Ebola-tipped needle, so there�s no way Trip can carry him. We all know that Trip is the smartest man in wrestling and never loses and is in on the main event, and his on-screen wife (whom he�s banging in real life) will probably write him to the championship, and he may deserve getting stuck in this match, but even a wrestler of his caliber can�t make it interesting. Couldn�t the WWF have come up with some other options than the faulty ones I�ve discussed?

It has come to my attention that certain people who shall remain nameless (but you know who you are, you usual suspects, you) have been saying that Austin vs. R**k is a good main event for Wrestlemania. All I have to say to that is that you�re clearly wrong and probably a retarded mark who should have been aborted after your accidental conception. Me suddenly deciding to like this main event would be like Jim Garrison recanting his theories about the Kennedy assassination. It would be like Hamilcar Barca not getting a foothold in Spain and siring Hannibal. It would be like Chicken Boo actually becoming human. You can file this in the �Why Use One Sentence When Five Will Do?� cabinet.

Fan News:

As much as I�d like to continue attacking targets that no one else has the balls to take on (and how many criticisms of Bob Ryder and Rick Scaia have you seen, hrrrrm?), I�m going to devote this Fan News edition to some message board and wrestling site shout-outs. I would like to apologize for last week, when I mocked the Gooey Bird for an idea that I later realized he stole from me. Stop that, The Rick!

Big props to my buddy Chris �Jericho� Irvine for the little message to me he hid in the Commentary section of his web site. You know what I�m talking about, buddy!

Also props to the little people, my legion of supporters, on various message boards. To Chris Boid for hating the Devil almost as much as I do. To Bethany Frost for posting something I agreed with. And to LemurBoy5176 for saying in public that he liked something I wrote.

Also, to my 50 or more new admirers: I�d love to say something to each of you, but I�ll settle for namedropping all of you. AbdulQ, Stanley17, BIGDADDYBUTT, FuckYou2, ROCKSUX, SuckRocks, TheFugitive1, little_stu, Baby Doll Girl, SeamusMalone, Cowdoots, Maxi$, chmpblt7672, Dennis Byrd, and I82GRLS. If you don�t think that adds up to 50, you can�t count.

Like I said at the beginning, I�m sorry for the brevity. Look out tomorrow for the news update from someone I don�t care about and recaps from other people I don�t care about. Until next week, I�m Generic, God smite me.

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