Sexual Guidance


Domain

Explanation

What s-e-x?

  • The word "sex" is a noun for an act of intimacy between organisms, whether plant, animal or human
  • There is a Chinese saying ,"Humans have three urges - the urge for survival (breathe, water & food), the urge for sanitary (urinal & stool passing) as well as the urge for reproduction ( intimacy & intercourse)"
  • Essentially, physical living entails the following 3 aspects:
  1. Survival: fresh air, quality foods, water, shelter-protection, manageable health, medicine & liberty from diseases
  2. Sanitary: hygiene, cleanliness, toiletry, urinal & stool passing, disposal
  3. Reproduction: need for comfort, intimacy, release, relaxation, recuperation & sexuality
  • The first two aspects are almost entirely personal & individual
  • But,
  • The third aspect would need a couple – a uni-sided relationship would be unsustainable & hence, detrimental
  • A couple would be dual-sided, mutually reciprocating & sustainably qualitatively & quantitatively coupled
  • A major aspect, nonetheless not the only aspect in reproduction, is sexuality, in which sex is a major component
  • Sex has the following attributes:
  1. Emotion: emotion influences the urge for & implementation of sex & sex or the need for sex affects emotion; hence, there is a closed-loop relationship & interaction between emotions & sex; emotion encompasses the 4 attributes of perceptions, bio-chemistry, inertia & propagation à qualitative aspect
  2. Act-technique: the actual implementation of the sexual actions using existing skills, techniques & knowledge of the sexual perpetuator à quantitative aspect
  3. Physiology: the multiple body-mind interactions between the emotional & act of sexuality
  • Any comprehensive guidance on sex must address the above 3 attributes of sex

Guidance? … isn’t it natural enough?

  • Contrary to common-sense perceptions,
  • Sex is really not well-understood, often regarded as downright dirty, taboo & cursed
  • The reason?
  • We are taught & enculturated to reject everything & anything from the mention of any sex or even, the suggestion of sex
  • It is regarded as rude & uncouth to be direct about sex, even though there is allowance for indirect expression, especially when there is an overlap with other issues-of-interest
  • The fact, that sex is so fundamental to living, being part of reproduction from the 3 aspects of life, does not point towards its acceptance & knowledge
  • In societies, sex & its expressions are well-scrutinised by rules & regulations & their enforcements
  • There is deliberate separation, segregation & quarantine of sex from the "normal" way of life, both at the local & societal levels; reminiscent of apartheid of the last century
  • The etiquette of sex interferes with the natural expression of sex
  • Many problems can occur from sex: unwanted pregnancies, promiscuity, diseases like STD & AIDS, focus only sex results in degeneration
  • It is not difficult to empathise with this due to sexual detriments, especially from people who are not able to handle themselves with respect to others in a civilized society
  • These people are not able to maintain that so-called "sane" separation of sex from the normal way of life
  • They belong to the non-harmonics portion of life
  • To them, sex is worlds different from normal routines like urinating, passing stool, eating when hungry, drinking when thirsty, resting when tired
  • They have perceived & mutated the normal aspects of sex – emotions, act & physiology
  • It is these people that sexual guidance would maximize its relevance & effectiveness for them to reach & maintain homeostasis with themselves as well as the "sane" ones around them in society

Sexual guidance?

  • The fact that we are around currently is direct proof that our prehistoric ancestors know how to do, even without any guidance
  • However,
  • Socialization during those times are not as complicated, tangled & mind-boggling as the present societies
  • With the start of civilization comes exogenous rules & regulations comes increasing complication to simple things (trend)
  • Simple things like sex
  • There is a saying, "Clothes mark the end of modesty"
  • How true it is
  • Hence, with so much restrictions & complications,
  • It is no wonder that some of us would be strained beyond our capacities
  • Herein lies the niche for sexual guidance
  • There are many attempts at sexual guidance
  • Some concentrate on sexual functions & dysfunction; some on psychology with generous interpretations & little practical advice; some focus on medical & biological aspects of sex, but too technical for common readers; others emphasise communication & the relationship without addressing specific sexual issues; some focus on one sex & neglect interactions; the rest feature some, but not all
  • This study seeks to be comprehensive to address feelings, relationship, personality, physiology & health
  • Sexual dysfunctions can be either medical or physiological
  • Sexual guidance with humour is like cake with icing – it is a sustainable bonus

TOC

Unrealistic Expectations

Expectation

Problem

Sex should be spontaneous

I shouldn’t have to tell him what I like. He’ll know what to do

I should be able to make orgasmic. If she isn’t, it must be my fault

Don’t make an issue over small problems. Wait until they are significant

  • Explosive arguments: "it is often the small, small things that matter"
  • Tolerate until the point of explosion

Once married, you shouldn’t have to masturbate. Your partner will take care of all your sexual needs

  • Looks like folks are married to some kind of machines or tools, thinking that these are infallible & perfectly usable
  • Marriage is with another life, just like you
  • Affairs: especially prevalent when spouse is ill, pregnant or incapitated

Love & sex. You can’t have one without the other

  • Infrequent sex
  • 3 other possibilities between the parameters of sex & love

Marriage will make you live happily ever after

  • Depression: forget that you can be unhappy sometimes
  • Relationship crises: marriage becomes scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in your life
  • Divorce

Unnatural acts

Unnatural

Natural

Refusing to have sex alone

  • Appetites vary – respond to them accordingly

Being hurt if your partner isn’t interested in sex when you are

  • Do you pee at the same time?
  • As sensitive as being hurt when he is not as hungry as you are
  • Find ways to keep one another company

Being upset if your partner isn’t as aroused as you are

  • You won’t eat the same amount, will you?
  • You each satisfy your different appetites together & enjoy the meal – there is no friction over who eats what

Trying to have mutual orgasms

  • Like aiming for mutual urination
  • Cooperate with your body; let yourself respond when your feeling develops, not only when some else’s does
  • Don’t work at sex, let sex work on you – semi-sexual-activity

Trying to make her orgasmic

  • Like trying to make someone else sleep
  • You can cooperate, but you can’t do it for them, or in spite of them

Losing an erection & worrying that you will never be erect again

  • If you had a sleepless night, you wouldn’t think that you had forever lost the knack of sleeping, would you?
  • Trust the problem to be temporary until proven otherwise

Working hard to respond faster

  • Imagine pressing yourself to breathe faster or urinate more or have bigger bowel movements
  • You become self-conscious & lost yourself
  • You would only create more irrelevant, unnecessary problems in your precious life

Feeling forced to go all the way because you have "led him on"

  • Do you eat for him because your cooking aroused his appetite?
  • Think of your own feelings, not just his
  • Who led whom on, after all?

Feelings

Domain

Explanation

On making decisions

  • Consider these when acting on your feelings:
  1. Your feelings
  2. The feelings of those you love
  3. Your own physical & emotional well-being
  4. Your short-term & long-term best interests
  5. The people you care about

Problems with Orgasms

Domain

Explanation

General, but not necessary, circumstances generating problems in a couple’s sex life

  1. Orgasm with self-stimulation only, requiring an object of some sort
  2. Orgasm with self-stimulation only, requiring a limiting, unusual, or uncomfortable position
  3. Orgasms with self-stimulation & partner manipulation but not with thrusting
  4. Orgasms with thrusting but not self-stimulation or partner stimulation
  5. Orgasms which happen very infrequently, regardless of the method of stimulation
  6. No orgasms at all under any circumstances

Menstruation

Domain

Explanation

The phenomenon of menstruation

  • Women has been aptly described as one of "the profound mysteries of the universe" by Doc. Brown (Back to the Future, Part II)
  • How true it is within a woman's body
  • A woman's body exhibits precisely & in such major influence on bodymind interactions by following the cyclic nature of living
  • The phenomenon of menstruation is the individual cyclic dynamically-periodic vaginal discharge of unfertilised eggs & amniotics, hence periods
  • The bio-physio-mental influence of this period is a major under-current influencing half of the human race - hence, a world concern, by any engineering measure

The process

  • Nature is instrumental in orchestrating the structure of women
  • From the basics of genetics, and the structure of female reproductive system, the eggs of women are present from conception and reduce dramatically by evolution, from millions of eggs at pregnancy, to 2 millions at birth, to 500K at puberty and finally 400-500 mature eggs released & vaginally discharged through menstruation during a woman's fertile years before menopause (after which, menstruation stops due to non-release of eggs & the woman is permanently infertile)
  • The overview of hormones controlling female reproduction:
  1. Pituitary gland on the underside of the brain: an endocrine gland with central controls that interprets biochemistry & disseminates it in the form of hormonal signals to the rest of the body à Gonadotrophins, Prolactin, Oxyocin
  2. Gonadotrophins: to transmit the biochemical signals from pituitary gland to the ovaries (egg sacs of women) to trigger or stop ovulation
  3. Prolactin: gland growth in the breasts of women
  4. Oxytocin: milk ejection for breastfeeding; as well as birth contractions needed to push the baby from uterus (womb) out through the vagina
  5. Progesterone: a steroid (similar to what athletes take to relieve pains & adds in physical exertion) hormone produced by the ovary with corpus luteum (the yellow-coloured structure of the ovary leftover after it releases the most mature egg during ovulation every monthly period) à progesterone (from the word "pregnancy") helps to maintain pregnancy by preventing other eggs & follicles from maturing, thus preventing menstruation when the women is pregnant with fertilised egg in the uterus
  6. Oestrogens: builds up the uterine wall with thick lining termed endometrium, ready for any fertilised egg (by sperm) to attach to the womb & develops slowly over ~40 weeks into a mature baby
  7. Uterus: the womb which holds the developing baby, receives hormones of progesterone, oestrogens & oxytocins for birth contradictions; if no fertilised egg or miscarriage, the corupus luteum, endometrium, unfertilised egg or undeveloped fetus as well as all hormones are discharged from the uterus, through the cervix & out of the vaginal à menstruation or luteolysis
  • Menstruation can be an unpleasant inconvenience: between 7-15% of women are affected by endometriosis - the uterus lining becomes very aggressive, infects/attacks the body and causes pain & inflammation around various parts of the body
  • Taking the analogy of Loving-Doving pattern, the process of menstruation can be formulated as follows in the six phases:
  1. Start: bio-emotive changes as ovulation occurs; about 20 ova begins to ripen alternately at either of both ovaries of a woman; one of these follicles outgrows the others, matures & ruptures, thus releasing ovum; the other less ripe follicles shrivel up & their eggs die (N.B. it's a race right from the beginnings) à cool, but feeling a slight itch à the best time for conception (let the sperms take 2-3 days to reach the eggs, beyond which the sperms would be die off)
  2. Rise: bio-emotive developments with rising oestrogen & progesterone levels; the ruptured follicle becomes a yellow-coloured structure called corpus luteum which produces progesterone or pregnancy hormones that inhibits menstruation if egg becomes fertilised; as the released egg is caught in the fimbriae, enters the fallopian tube & carried slowly by both tubular contractions (periodic squeezing) & rhythmic waving cilia in the tube lining; to reach the uterus or womb of would-be mothers à similar to initial labour before childbirth, so women remember them & how to deal with them effectively through breathing techniques & body posture à a feeling of heating up, feeling slight tension à giving rise to pre-menstrual tension: time of intense discomfort & fluctuating emotional mood variability; the discomfort is located below the navel, as opposed to stomachache around the navel, to help distinguish between the two; research findings suggest that women become more aggressive & agitated during per-menstruation period, even sexually aroused (35% of 3000 women surveyed); there was a case of two women committing murders have "reduced sentence" due to premenstrual tension; the reason is due to mainly to bodily discomfort from accumulation of hormones, blood & fluids, with which sex & aggression (due to shedding of the conscious & prominence of the underlying unconscious) would help to dissipate to other parts of the body, hence reducing the discomfort, & interpreted as sexually aroused
  3. Climax: when the egg reaches the uterus & is not fertilised, the unfertilised egg would not attach itself to the uterus lining (as when it is seven-day fertilised to develop into a fetus or little baby); the corpus luteum dies, lowering oestrogen & progesterone levels; the endometrium is shed from the uterus & discharged through the vaginal à menstruation; physiological resonance; can be much discomfort with cramps due to inflow of blood & bodily fluids à menstruation itself is the discharge of fluids & hormones; means large vaginal discharges & discomfort; also odour; it has been reported that menstrual women in the rural regions avoid going out at night or to wilderness, animals have been widely known to attack menstruating women, the vaginal discharge scent being easily picked up by creatures (e.g.); even in zoos, gorillas, tigers, lions & other predators should be avoided by menstruating women; evidences suggests that some human males do respond to menstruating women, leading to crimes; remember it's an animal world, it's never safe enough - take care during menstruation
  4. Decline: bio-stabilisation just after menstruation, as the body replenishes deficiencies & re-enhances its abundance to reach balance again; eggs in follicles start growing again à post-menstruation, the period just after menstruation, is also a time of high arousal (15% of women); the complete emptying of the unfertilised discharges represents a physiological relief to women & yearn for the pleasurable relief to persist through sexual activities, but the intensity is lower than pre-menstruation
  5. Drop: the follicles rebuilds & starts maturing; under the influence of oestrogen, the endometrium is then re-built to accommodate the next mature egg to arrive & if it is fertilised, to let it attach to the uterus lining; the egg begins to develop & mature after about five days à feeling little aroused, if any; women more vigilant & attentive now
  6. Decay: emotive node, without any contractions or cramps; the eggs are still maturing inside the follicles & not released yet, hence no uterus or vaginal activities à feeling absolutely no itch for sex (in terms of bodily urge, but still have to consider the two aspects of sex - implementation & physiology); women most vigilant & attention
  • This periodic cycle is termed the ovarian cycle, menstruation cycle or even, the lunar period 月經 (since it has been noticed that periods follows the lunar revolutions around Earth, hence the Moon has been described as reminiscent of Yin) - 一個月的經歷
  • In fact, the Chinese God of Marriage is 月下老人 (Old Man under the Moon)

Interactions

Fertility

  • Female infertility:
  1. Failure to ovulate: unable to release egg; most common; hormonal problems
  2. Hormonal imbalance: lack of progesterone; hyperprolactinaemia (excessive pituitary hormones resulting in breast milk production)
  3. Fibroids: benign muscle tumours that block or obstruct the fallopian tubes & cut off the passage of mature eggs into the uterus, & also blocks the sperms from swimming & meeting the mature eggs
  • Female treatments: using drugs, medicine, foods, lifestyle changes & view of life; surgery
  • Male infertility:
  1. Anatomical problems: block sperm passage due to obstruction of the vas deferens; retrograde ejaculation (no semen flows out of penis, as the semen is ejaculated backwards into the bladder - causing urine contamination); scrotum heat-up due to hydrocoele or varicocoele; tubal blockage
  2. Sperm problems: sperms too few, too abnormal, cannot wriggle or have poor motility (activity, not active); testicular failure
  3. Immunological problems: adverse antibodies present to impede sperms; antibodies affect the sperm motility, ability of sperm to penetrate the cervical mucus (fluids of women between the cervix, end of vagina, & the uterus) & ability to fertilise the ovum egg à sperms survives better & longer in alkaline environments, however vaginal discharges are slightly acidic, hence it may be advisable to clear vaginal discharges before ejaculation
  • Male treatments: drugs, surgery & cultivation
  • Other treatments for infertile couples or even single parent: in-vitro fertilisation (IVF), in which donated or selected eggs or sperms are artificially inseminated with couples' sperms or eggs, then the healthy & fertilised embryos are selectively implanted into the mother's womb; but people never reveal whatever happen to the rest of the embryos (having valuable stem cells for genetic research & engineering) which is a case of concern
  • Male tests: awareness (many males just simply refuse to admit they have a problem & that they are the problem in many infertile couples) semen analysis; secondary sperm analysis
  • Note that due to the sex chromosome pair (there are 46 chromosomes, or 23 pairs of chromosomes in our human DNA); the 22nd pair of chromosomes is the so-called sex chromosomes, because this determines the sex of the person - Male (XY pair); Female (XX pair); notice that the first letter or chromosome is always X, because this comes from the mother, as all eggs only have the X chromosome; the second letter or chromosome comes from the Father; hence girl if X-chromosome sperm & boy if Y-chromosome sperm à the father's sperms determine the sex of the child
  • In other words, if a couple keeps having only baby girls, please don't put any blame on the mother, she is absolutely, thoroughly & completely innocent (unless her vaginal & cervix discharges are thoroughly adverse to Y-chromosome sperms) à blame the man, pls (he produces too many active X-sperms & too few of Y-sperms) à man, art thou awake?
  • Research also shows that
  1. X-sperms (girl) are larger in size, slower in speed & lives longer
  2. Y-sperms (boy) are smaller, faster, but survives shorter
  • Hence, the following deductions (this is not a guarantee):
  1. When: for a girl, make love two-three days before ovulation; for boy, make love on the day of ovulation; remember a mature egg would only wait 12-24 hours for fertilisation à that's even couples who actively trying to conceive may miss the fertilisation period for a few months
  2. Frequency: for a girl, make love frequently & regularly, just like any woman would experience the regular cyclic menstruation;e.g. following the ovarian period; as this lowers Y-sperm count & increases X-sperm count à due to testicular functioning, as more X-sperms are produced in initial period after the previous ejaculation; beyond which, more Y-sperms are produced) à for a boy, make love infrequently & spontaneously; just like any boy child who is always rough, playing, jumping & running

Ten Reasons why no orgasms for women

Reason

Solution

You try to hurry, thinking he’s getting tired

  • The harder you try, the more time it will take, so give in & enjoy yourself – pleasure by surrender
  • Have fun, even if you don’t have an orgasm every time

You expect a man to know what to do, & wait for it to happen

  • Realize that he doesn’t, especially if he’s a green horn
  • Help him learn & guide his John like a motherly figure

You don’t know what you like

  • Find out for yourself qualitatively
  • Ignore all thoughts and feel thoroughly – you are the womb, you are the clitoris, you are the vagina, you are the cervix
  • Feel each in succession & unify subsequently

You know what you want & won’t tell him

  • Hmm … playing cat-and-mouse?
  • Ok, but do tell him if he’s taking too long during sex
  • After sex, it’s too late to do any good, isn’t it?

You lie there like a lump of lard

  • Make yourself move; get on top
  • If you don’t get physically involved, the odds are against having an orgasm

You inhibit your reaction, afraid of rejection or embarrassment

  • Giving up trying to look beautiful
  • It’s time to sweat, pant & moan
  • Orgasms aren’t elegant – take a chance & be wild

You try to please the man all the time

  • Pay attention to pleasing yourself, too

You endure discomfort or pain

  • Pain is the no. 1 enemy to sex – like studying beside a roaring truck engine, or trying to sleep with mosquitoes biting all over you
  • Pain indicates low lubrication, hurriedness, anxiety or hidden diseases – take care of your body
  • Never assume pain or discomfort is normal

You are resentful & angry towards spouse

  • Take a break from your troubles during sex
  • You are only hurting yourself by holding onto the anger

You are trying too hard

  • When you try to make an orgasm happen, you don’t allow it to happen
  • It you work at sex, it won’t work
  • Make it fun again

How not to have orgasm?

How

Effects

Relax your body & clear your mind

  • Feeling nothing, hence nothing

Don’t tell him what you want

  • He might never find it

Work at it

  • It becomes such a chore that you won’t want to do it again

Lie there passively waiting for him to do it all

  • You may fall asleep

Endure pain

  • Kept painfully awake

Don’t tell him what you don’t like

  • Then wonder why he’s doing it

Think of your shopping list

  • Planning keeps you occupied if he doesn’t

Don’t fantasize

  • You might think of someone else

Concentrate on pleasing him alone

  • Don’t be surprise if he’s the only one who’s pleased

Only get involved if you feel romantic & in the mood

  • Otherwise you might end up having sex more frequently

Don’t use artificial lubrication when you need it

  • If you use it, you might enjoy yourself so much you may start lubricating naturally

Don’t masturbate

  • You might discover what you like before he does

Don’t cheat – follow somebody else’s rules, not your own

  • Follow only & only follow your own feelings

Don’t sweat, grimace, grunt or groan; & fake orgasms

  • That tells him everything he’s doing wrong is just right

Keep the lights out & don’t look

  • That way, you can pretend you are not really there, doing that

Inhibit your movements & act like a lady

  • You will be working harder & enjoying it less

Common causes of painful intercourse (Dyspareunia)

Cause

Symptoms

Treatment

Mechanical irritation

Lack of lubrication

  • Pain on insertion
  • Varies with degree of lubrication
  • Gets worse during sex
  • Disappears if artificial lubrication is used

Artificial treatment Abstain from intercourse Research for roots of causes

Constipation

  • Pain with deep thrusting, constant or intermittent

Stool softener or shallow thrusting

Vaginismus

  • Burning or tearing sensation
  • Pelvic exams always painful
  • Constant discomfort during intercourse
  • Pain at opening especially during intercourse

Painless dilation or surgical widening of pelvic & vagina Psychotherapy

Cervical or uterine discomfort

  • Does not disappear if artificial lubrication is used
  • Pain with deep thrusting
  • Intermittent

Appropriate medical treatment Altered angle of thrusting

Cystitis

  • Burning on urination
  • Frequency of urination
  • Blood in urine (always a bad sign)

Antibiotics No intercourse until symptoms are gone

Herpes

  • Pain

No intercourse during active outbreak - acyclovir

Vaginal infection

  • Pain
  • Discharge
  • Itching

Specific medicine for specific infection Treatment of both partners Abstain from intercourse during symptoms

Endometriosis

  • Intermittent pain with deep thrusting ( constant if uterus tilted)

Hormones or surgery

Tumours or masses

  • Pain with deep thrusting
  • Intermittent or constant

Surgery or altered position

Genital rules of Order

Domain

Explanation

Some simple guides

  • Intercourse should be painless & pleasurable
  • If there is pain, something is wrong
  • Vaginal discharge are not innocent
  • Don’t hesitate to get a second opinion
  • Be helpful to your doctor
  • Pelvic exams aren’t supposed to hurt
  • Physical exam necessary if:
  1. Experience pain during intercourse
  2. Absence of lubrication when you are sexually aroused
  3. Excessive discharge
  4. Strong vaginal odour
  5. Need assurance
  6. Unable to consummate your marriage

Excerpts from "Your Guide to Better Sex" by Dr Theresa Larsen Crenshaw (disciple of Dr William Masters & Dr Virginia Johnson, pioneers in sex therapy), 1984

"Conception, Pregnancy & Birth" by Dr. Miriam Stoppard, 2000

"A Visitor Within: The Science of Pregnancy" by David Bainbridge, 2000

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