You never think you're going to die.

-John Crichton (Ben Browder)

Never in my life have I ever been moved by a piece of literature or film or television or by any story the way I was just now.

Allow me to explain.

I enjoy television, I enjoy movies, I enjoy books, I enjoy escapism in general.

Hell, I love TV, I have something I can watch almost any time of day.

Roughly 2 years ago a show called "Farscape" aired on the Sci-Fi channel came to my attention. I tend to gravitate towards science fiction sometimes anyway, but there was something extra that grabbed my attention about this, maybe it was the Henson company puppets or maybe it was the central character. Whatever it was, I kept watching after the somewhat thrown together(relative to current episodes) pilot, and became a fan of what is legimately(in my opinion and in that of nearly all of those who watch it) one of the best shows on television today if not ever. It is one of the better works of fiction ever as far as I'm concerned for that matter. Most of you reading this know somebody besides me who watches it, though you may not. The amazing characters and astoundingly well done puppets aside, the course the show takes from week to week rivals anything ER or any "mainstream" drama has ever done, and in most cases surpasses it. The concepts presented take more willing suspense of disbelief than ER or Law and Order, but the payoff is all the larger. I cannot express to you how captivating and endearing this show and its cast of characters is.

After a string of acting performances worthy of emmy upon emmy and plots that moved the entire story along or just provided outright fun, this past episode dealt with the grief faced at the loss of a love by the female lead, Aeryn Sun (Claudia Black). The acting in this episode was some of the best I have ever seen, anywhere. As I am unable to do justice to exactly what occurred, and that it requires more background than I have the ability to stay up and type, I will summarize it briefly.

Aeryn detaches herself from her own existence to attempt one last breath of Crichton (Ben Browder). It isn't that easy, and she has an interplay with Crichton's representation in her psyche that steals the show, as it were.

Now, back to my original comments.

Never has anything affected me like this show did tonight. I have seen amazing movies that won oscars, I have seen the greatest american film (according to the AFI) Citizen Kane. I have read some of the world's great novels by London, Dickens, etc etc. I have seen many of the greatest moments in television(again by the AFI if i remember correctly).

Nothing has ever left me with the sense of jaw dropping awe that I am feeling right now. Nothing has ever jumped from fiction into my consciousness so thoroughly before. It was just,......... just amazing, that's the only way to describe it- awe inspiring.

At the conclusion of tonight's Farscape I just sat back and said oh my god that was amazing- and realized it won't get nominated for an emmy, it might not even win a cable ace award. Hell, more people were probably watching Dateline while a truly magnificent moment of fiction was happening on another channel.

I doubt many of you trust my taste in anything, and others are saying you hate science fiction, but please listen to this impassioned plea and let this wonderful show stay alive.

Starting August 27th Sci-Fi is airing an episode every night monday through thursday with the normal new episode on friday. It's a great chance for people to get into the earlier episodes of this show. It is an opening to jump onto one of the greatest rides you'll ever take.

It's not suffering in ratings, it's nowhere near being canceled, but someday it might be. If you had never watched your favorite show that first time, you wouldn't be watching it today, the same for your favorite movie or book- you never would've found out you like it if you hadn't given it a shot to begin with. Give this show a chance for your attention. Open your mind to a little science in your fiction and you may thank me.

I'm trying to open your eyes to something that's hiding from you in plain sight.

If you've never listened to me before please do it now. August 27th, monday through thursday at 6 pm central I think, check your listings to make sure.

thank you for your consideration.

August 10, 2001

If you've never watched the Howard Stern show on E!, then you've missed the joy to watch that is "Beetlejuice." I swear I've never seen a coherent word come out of that guy's mouth. And yet, he is in the upcoming movie "Bubble Boy" and was apparently in Scary Movie 2, which means anybody can be a celebrity except for Tom Arnold- wait, no, he's on some sports show now, fuck. Wait, nah, I've got one, Jenny McCarthy, she was only good while she was naked and when Singled Out first began. Damn she was good naked, then somebody at NBC decided she deserved a sitcom of her own, which was canceled faster than Gary Coleman says "what you talkin' bout" for a buck these days.

In case you were wondering, the elapsed time is somewhere between 4 and 6 seconds- quicker if he sees you coming out of one of the stores in his mall with a bag, cause he knows you have money, and he accepts all major credit cards.

For those of you who are saying what the fuck is he talking about, his never promising one catch phrase based career had him as a mall security guard a few years ago. I think now he's got some figure head position somewhere if I remember correctly, and he's doing the "TV stars we love" talk show circuit saying what you talkin' bout all tha motherfuckin time.

In my quest for motivation for continual updating, I received 7 statements/emails saying i should go for it, but about 35 unique page views not looking for this page, not just naked women, so somebody was reading this shit besides those 7. To clarify something in response to Mr. Acton's statement, I was not/am not searching for validation, I don't need that, I'd write this for one person. If I tried to tell myself, Nick, you're going to update on a regular basis, I'd laugh at myself by the 2nd week, but if I am somehow obligated to someone other than me, then I'd be hardcore gung-ho about dis shit.

I have the tendency to do for others, yet not for myself. Yeah, it's a deplorable habit from my end, but I never said anything I do or am makes sense.

I am in the middle of waiting for Banacek to start, only 20 minutes away, I am such a whore.

The tightest thing about the emails/comments I got is that everybody mentioned how I tend to offend random groups. The most appreciated comment was when I was told that my pissing people off means I get to them. Think about it, yes, I get to you, I sneak in under your skin and take over your thought process for a while.

How many of you have one or more of your wallpapers on your system eh? I'm everywhere. Well, okay, I'm nowhere, but we're trying to avoid reality here, so shut up.

Banacek is on- somebody stole a $2.5 million computer, like the one I have, only bigger and it can't do shit relative, ah well, those were the 70s I guess.

Coolio had some mad rhymes back in the day.

Of course, now he has an album coming out called "coolio.com" so he too has lost his damned mind thinking claiming ".com" means you're "down wit da 'net."

Check it yo, I'm down wit da net though, seriously, I have that ay-oh-ell and I can get to all kinds of websites all on my own. I can even talk to people in "chat rooms" and with eye ems(instant messages for all you out there who don't know the lingo).

LOL, brb, c ya, etc. I know all of em, I'm so down.

in all seriousness anybody who's dumb enough to pay for aol needs their head checked- in the temple with a ball peen hammer.

-Banacek is on.

I'm so up out dis bitch.

August 4, 2001

The current tally of emails sent that actually want me to update is 2, and I have logged about 12 unique hits that are no search engine queries, so there's no love. If you read this, take the 5 seconds to send a mail telling me to update- I need 8 more.

August 3, 2001

I've been the unfortunate victim of fatigue lately, otherwise this update would've gone up a little over a week ago, my apologies.

I am somewhat remiss if I don't mention that as near as I can tell, I am apologizing to some random guy looking for a wallpaper of a naked woman, not those who once read this that I've met, but who cares, a hit is a hit, right? Right?

haha, like i give a flying fuck- I am doing this for myself, not for anyone else, I tried that, and the people I kept it up for pissed me off consistently, so fuck it.

The most fun thing ever happened after my last update (about a month ago) Carl's wife said I'm not right in the head(or something to that effect, I forget the exact quote). That's not an insult to me, I find it amusing, not only that comment, but that she read this thing, her and the people looking for wallpapers of naked women were it as far as I can tell. I take that back, hawhaiihal5 also read it, and complimented me on it, the eternal supporter that he is(seriously).

Here's my challenge, my question as it were-

If I receive emails from any 10 different people saying that I should do so, I will update my site religiously AT LEAST once a week for the next 5 weeks. This has to be 10 different people, and I know most of your email addresses, so fakes aren't going to work. If I get 10 emails saying leave me the fuck alone, then that applies as well.

If i get between 7 and 9, I'll think about it. If I get 20 I'll update twice a week with a wallpaper at least every 3rd update, for 6 motherfucking weeks.

Banacek time, and no, I'm not flipping out, those are lyrics.

adiosa

June 23, 2001

I never eeeeeeeever said I was punctual. It's been a bit over a month since I surfaced last here, but fuck, I've been tired, so you lose. Actually, I used to be punctual, but that all changed one chilly autumn day. You want a story to go with that, I know, some form of anecdote to make it all feel better, but I just made it up, so there's no story to be told. I occasionally can't even be on time when I'm meeting one or more attractive women.

Fuck, I'll tell you a story anyway, what type of yarn do you wish to be spun for your enjoyment?

Something fun?

Something sad?

Something frightening?

Something uplifting?

You just want me to stop doing that, I know, but if there's no suspense the upcoming substandard fiction won't be as well received.

There once was this boy, we'll call him Rick to protect his identity.

July 10, 2001

Okay, fuck that shit, I was going to update and going to update, but nah, no such luck, I'm a ridiculously worthless sonofabitch. My "story" idea was actually nearly finished, with the ruse of the crossed out line, but I have decided to abandon that course.

The thing I have decided, due to my ineptness, and because I just cannot muster the time and effort to update, I am quitting this venture. I am leaving this page in the lurch then deleting it from geocities' server entirely in about a month, maybe sooner.

How many people would even care if that were true? Would you care? Who knows, it's a good question I may raise someday, but since about 90% of my hits are from someone searching for a term involving the phrase "naked women," I doubt many would.

I cannot abandon this thing, it's been far too close to not bad far too often to cease. It is the one thing that keeps me writing every now and again.

I am making 2 immediate changes to this site, however, one which in theory will be semi permanent, and the other which likely won't be, in the opposite order of statement.

You'll notice the removal of the links to those who write(wrote) for me, as well as the absence of the archives link. It's all still there, but dormant for now.

Depending on the inherent latentcy of my thought process, I may add content to this more frequently. Hell, I may sprout wings and fly away to that unnamed and remarkable freedom on the hypothetical side of forever, so who knows.

The wallpaper on the far right below here is new, give it a gander, and yes- the eyes at the top of the page are mine, go figure, there's a picture of me, for those who bug the fuck out of me asking for one for whatever purpose every now and again.

Fig has a picture of me he took in chicago against my wishes, but if he ever shows it to anybody I'll beat the fuck out of him. Nothing personal, just business- my way.

A couple of comments on the nation's current obsession, this Chandra Levy(sp?) thing.

• Number one, the girl's probably dead, she's been missing for 4 months with no word from her. The DC police can fundamentally alter the progress of their bullshit afraid of Congress investigation by changing the case to a murder investigation. Even if she's not dead somewhere, it speeds up the investigation progress, and it also means that the prime suspect, er, adulterer, er, congressman will be forced to tell the truth in theory, or risk perjuring himself. I saw a report tonight which said, accurately, that the police have "asked" Mr. Condit if they can see his phone records, and "may ask" if they can search his place. He's been caught lying directly to the public if not the police a few times now, and the police still won't attempt to get a warrant.
• Number two, this distinguished public servant has more women saying he's banged them than ever did with Clinton, and some poor girl is missing if even alive, yet the only public outcry I can see is from the girl's family and the media, whom I have to credit for digging and getting info out that was being withheld (Granted, they've gone a little overboard, but that's to be expected). Here's the deal, people were ready to impeach if not crucify Clinton for getting head while he was in office, yet a missing intern who was one of many affairs draws barely a peep? I don't care what party he's in, though I think he's a republican, I care that if this schmuck gets re-elected instead of black balled that his state is the dumbest group of voters in the world. Fucking hell, why aren't you reading this and fuming?!?!?!?!? If your mother/father/daughter/son/brother/sister was missing for 4 months and the only person who has any info is lying and nobody in law enforcement seems to care enough to do anything more than walk down the street hoping he/she turns up, what would you do? Would you be as hopelessly apathetic as you're acting about this? Tons of people go missing every day, many die, this one happens to have made the public eye. That doesn't mean the others don't matter, it means this instance should kick start some empathy and rage into the shriveled and dried up cavity where America's heart used to be.

Yeah, I'm condescending, yeah, I come off as elitist, but maybe this odd showing of passion will wake you up to the truth of your lacking compassion.

AND BY THE FUCKING WAY, for every child who has been killed or wounded in a school shooting, there are 50 people who dropped the ball and let the shooter(s) become so tormented that they acted as such. It takes a village to raise a child. Video games where you use a mouse and a keyboard to navigate a maze killing textured polygons don't teach a child to kill. Movies and television don't teach a child to kill.

Apathy by authority allows a child to be hurt.

Pain teaches a child to hate.

Hatred teaches a child to kill.

This has always been my hot button issue. It apparently takes a research scientist paid by a lawyer to find a scapegoat when the parents of a killer aren't rich enough to be sued. Be this in bad taste or not, the following is true, when a child is pushed to that point, where he/she chooses violence, it is these same parents who sue who are at fault in a large way. This is not insensitve, I understand the loss, but you see, I am that kid who hated everyone around me, so my view is unique. Who the fuck ever stuck up for me? For every child who ever emotionally scarred and contributed to another child's pain, there's a parent who didn't teach their child to not be an asshole. Children are mean fucks, I know, I am one (a few years removed), but there's a huge gap between mean and reprehensibly cruel. Why does nobody question why a child could be allowed to be pushed so far? Every sitcom, every school drama, every after school special has a "bully episode" where the person being harassed, picked on, etc, stands up for themselves or is defended by authority.

I've got news for you, that doesn't happen in real life, lemme tell ya.

For example, for as long as I've known the people my age that I know, which in some cases has been since the 3rd grade, I've been the butt of about the majority of all derogatory commentary. Oh, and it apparently never stops, or so I keep being reminded. That amounts to 12 or so years, and in that time, I nobody ever stood up for me, not once. The rare times I tried to, it backfired badly- nobody wants the punching bag to try to hit back.

Yeah, I guess I'm just a tad bitter (read-frustrated and hurt) after such a fun trip through life, but if you've known me for a long while and are reading this, you're thinking something to the effect of "oh, he's at it again, he just can't take it" or "let it go already."

But then, you were always on the other side, so let me enlighten you.

You have no fucking idea.

I'm tired, it's 3:20.

I'm so up out dis bitch.