October 19, 2000

I have been dormant for a good while now, sorry, I have been what I refer to as "busy as fuck," and also "tired as fuck." Pardon my French, even though I genuinely despise the French, largely due to their sense of superiority and due to their idiotic language taught by inept teachers. Oh yeah, and in every war besides the Revolutionary War that both France and the US have been involved in, we end up saving their asses(read-WWII especially you weak little bastards). Yeah, they gave us the statue of liberty, but I can guarantee you that none of the people who were alive when that happened are still in power in France, thus they have nothing on us today. I'm done typing on that, it is annoying, yet an intriguing intro to this little completely unrelated rant-thingy that is oncoming now.

One note, something I have long since thought, and I just want to point out the terrible irony in it- the song that is arguably Sublime's biggest hit, "What I Got", includes the line "Life is (too short), so love the one you got Cause you might get run over or you might get shot." The album and the aforementioned single were released shortly before Sublime's lead singer and the guy who wrote the fucking lyrics to this song, Bradley Nowell, overdosed on drugs. The guy had a wife and a child on the way, and wrote a song about loving the life you've got, then basically killed himself. Don't argue with me that a drug overdose is not killing yourself if the OD was not intentional, because that's a fucking cop out. To fry your brain at all for fun is killing yourself, no matter how slowly you think it will happen. Smoking actively decreases your lifespan, and drugs, well hell, you may as well make sure you have a really good health insurance plan for when the loss of your faculties and brain cells kicks in, if you even live that long.

But I digress, I despise painful irony, as my life is altogether too full of it.

I had thought up several intelligent things to type on, but I only remember one of the two offhand, so I'll start there.

I have noticed in my somewhat limited traversing of life, that most things that are taught as clichés based on fact are ridiculously stupid and have absolutely no basis in reality. One such phrase I have a particular grudge against is one of my least favorite from both sides of the issue- It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Let's think about this clearly, shall we? I have been on both sides of this, and feeling completely alone and "having never loved" is a genuine pain. However, that is something that can change, if you've never been in love you can be in love at some point, thus defeating the condition. If you have loved and lost, well- to put it bluntly- you're fucked. The pain never goes away no matter how hard you try. You know how everybody always says that you never forget your first love? Well, unless you never lose your first love, the reason you never forget it is because it hurt so much to lose it, and you never forget that. I am not thinking about this with a tear in my eye and a sob in my throat, I am just typing, so give me a little credit. I have only on a rare few occasions ever worn my heart on my sleeve, most have not been witnessed, and this is not one of them. These comments are not based entirely on my own experiences, yet are loosely brought on by them. Back to the idea at hand, however- having loved and lost is much worse than having never loved. If you have never loved you have no way of knowing what you're missing, if you have loved and lost, you know what is gone, you know what you've lost. Ignorance may not be bliss in this particular case, because being lonely hurts in a unique and penetrating way, but relative to the pain of loving and losing, loneliness is heavenly. Both sensations get worse as time goes on, but loneliness sustained merely drives you to change it, and it can be changed unless you are a complete social leper, but having lost a love can never be rectified, the only thing you can do is question your past actions, wonder where it went wrong, etc, etc...

I now choose to end that subject- my language grows stale and my heart heavy.

I will now use an excerpt from a song that I will leave unnamed, if you recognize it email me and we'll see if you're correct. I am altering the lyric slightly to make the language more appropriate for my tone of existence. The first person to correctly identify the artist(s) and the song title will receive some sort or reward for their effort.

It's my life and it's now or never, I'm not gonna wait forever- I just want to live while I'm alive.

For some reason I seem to take that particular song to heart lately, though not because of who it's by or what it is, it's just something that I have long since needed to do, to live life. I do what I like, I have fun occasionally, and I have a core of wonderful people as friends, my close friends as well as the rest of my friends, but I have still come to hate my existence. This is not relative to any singular factor, though some things more than others influence it. Anybody who has ever told me how I should live my life, be that my religious acquaintances or the moronic asshole that AD has become, you're all wrong, especially AD. I am not seeking anything in particular, just some form of drastic change in the doldrums, in the way I feel about everything. If even one person emails me saying something to try to hint at pursuing religion, I will personally hunt you down and end your opposition to my atheism. That is not an idle threat, nor is it technically a threat, but be warned, trying to play on my weaknesses will end with you ..... nah, I won't go into that, just be warned.

Adam, either gimme the oft promised column you keep swearing you have or admit you don't have the time or energy to write anything in the near future so I can free up some space. Meg, whenever you've got time, hook me up. Jereme, a column would be a great thing- I have supplied quite a few for your site, a little reciprocity when you are not busy with school or dank would be appreciated. Fig, I know you gots to have something on your mind and look forward to something soon. Zach, you're fine, but if you so desire, content would be greatly appreciated.

I say all of that with the intention of updating once more this weekend, and hoping this motley group of people who supply content occasionally will give me something to post. For all the complaints about not having a set schedule of updating, nobody is giving me a goddamned thing to put up save Zach.

I am done with that little interlude, and my hands are annoyed at being forced to type so extensively, so I will lay down and/or grab a bite to eat now, and likely type something else for your enjoyment later this evening.

October 21, 2000

My wick has been burnt to its end. Who cares what it means, or if it means anything, but it is over, what was left of that candle I kept burning has died. There is a pool of melted and now dried wax with bits of ash "frozen" in it where the candle once stood. The little burnt up bit of the wick that was left and sustained the light, is charred and smoking and surrounded by the wax that suffocated it. The interesting thing of all this is that the wax never left, it just pooled up and eventually drowned the flame which decided to burn itself too hot. Perhaps the next time I light a candle, I will think to choose a candle isn't as badly designed, so that the wax doesn't form a reservoir and drown the flame. In all truth, however, that seems to be the design of all candles, the only variation is how long it takes for the flame to cause its own demise without proper conditions.

By the way, this has nothing to do with candles.

October 30, 2000

I have a new addition, Monica Forbes also recognized the Bon Jovi song. I didn't really stress this the first time, but from a part of 1 line that the words were even changed, this group of connoisseurs all recognized the song. I say bravo to you all, especially to those who wish their names weren't listed below.

Today was a new day, and like all new days, it sucked ass. You know that saying, "tomorrow is a new day"? Well, in case you haven't noticed, it makes no claims that a new day is a good thing. It just says new, not good, remember that.

In the middle of the night I wake up and realize where I am and wonder why I am who I am and why I am where I am. If you've ever been conscious at all it should've crossed your mind, I mean, why have you taken the path through life that you have? This is not a religion soaked concept, and if you try to make it one I'll end you. What choices did you make, what morals did you form? Think about it this way, what if you'd made a slightly different choice?

Your life could be completely different if you'd done something different in the sandbox when you were 2- think about it.

Kings are men and men are kings. Queens are women and women are queens.

You are what you believe you are, and your future is only limited by the scope of your mind's eye. If your future is an hour long in your imagination, odds are you're gonna have a relatively disappointing life unless you are already rich.

Billy Joel is a very good thing- trust me, listen to "Only the Good Die Young." The problem with that is that I will end up dying young by that logic, if religion is not what it considers to be "good," so here's hoping I end up very much evil and old. What, you think I wanna die, yeah right. I will find a way to be immortal, mark my words, and if not, what are you gonna do to me, I'll be dead.

It's interesting, most all people who are aware of my decision to leave school support it so far, I tell ya, that's some freaky shit, man.

I don't really have much if anything to say, other than sneetch's being mentioned in a post by jamal on dank with waaaaaaaaay too many hyperlinks ended with him getting a death threat. I'm really not kidding, click on the word dank, and read Jerome's post on the subject, I find it brilliantly laughable. The thing of it is, some guy whose site is "halfhonk.com"- I know, it makes no sense, and does invoke thoughts of a fucked up car horn or a deformed goose. Anyways, I digress, jamal said something in a post about "killing the honkey" in reference to sneetch, referring to sneetch as the honkey needing to be ended. Jamal hyper linked the word honkey to this guy's (halfhonk, lol, come on, it's laughable) site, and Sneetch(!!!!!!!!!!) received a death threat because one of halfhonk's readers doesn't know what function a comma has in the English language, and assumed the placement of a comma meant jamal was endorsing the killing of this halfhonk guy, instead of what he was doing, referring to sneetch as a honkey. I love it, to top it all off, if you've noticed, I've been spelling the word "h-o-n-k-e-y" and you're right that, does look odd, because I looked it up, and it is supposed to be "honky." As with any slang, people who can't spell fuck it up, and both "honkey" and "honkie" are variants of the word's primary(and correct) form. So, to wrap the points together, "sneetch" got a death threat because HIS email address was included in the small portion of the post that halfhonk included in his post on his own site. This is because the comma is apparently a massively misunderstood punctuation and a link using a word that nobody who has used it has been able to spell correctly; INCLUDING the guy who calls himself "half honky" due to his being of half white and half black descent. Yes, that's the brilliant explanation/head scratching lack of logic behind that.

A little advice to all involved, if the use of a word is going to invoke some form of death threat had better sure as fuck learn to spell it before you get confused by the puzzling punctuation that is, (shudder) the comma. See, it makes you shudder to even think of it, of how much its use scares and befuddles you. I just can't shake the mocking tone in my words, for the life of me, I am having trouble not laughing at the ignorance of those involved. Sneetch, he did nothing wrong, he happened to be referred to, and well, halfhonk did a bang up job taking jamal's statement out of context. Halfhonk, you're an idiot. I'm sorry, but I read your October 28th post, and well, it had nothing to do with you, and anybody with half a brain who has seen a comma before can see that. Halfhonk, also, LEARN TO FUCKING SPELL, the word is honky- "h-o-n-k-y." It's looks very amazingly amateurish to have a misspelled word on your front page, as the focus of your text, no less. I'm not saying my little allotment is great or looks anywhere near professional, but don't even try to tell me honkey is an acceptable spelling. If your readers are nuts enough to issue a death threat at all, or if it was you for that matter, you need to realize something- you are liable for that, as is your reader who sent the email. "Sneetch" responded by trying to clear up the matter, but just as soon could've forwarded the email to the "emailer's" ISP or to the police, who then trace the IP and whomever sent it will have a felony charge on their record, because in the state sneetch lives in, death threats are in fact a felony. The state in which the threat is received is whose laws the issue is prosecuted under, and if the threat came from across state lines, you have other charges stemming from that. That is not some form of threatening you, so get your hand off the kill switch- wake the hell up, for someone who uses a racial epithet in your domain name's explanation, you're awfully jumpy, and one of your readers is even worse. Jesus christ I just looked at it again, not only did you badly take the lines out of context, there isn't even a mild implication that it was aimed at you, what the hell is wrong with you? YOU EVEN GOT THE DEATH THREAT SENT TO THE WRONG PERSON!!!!!!!!!! LOL, the comment was something about killing sneetch, and you just, ahem, happened to copy only that html, well, nice job, really, I mean, if I TRIED to fuck it up, I couldn't have left out less pertinent information that you. Nicely done.

I'm tired of knee jerk reactions, this shit annoys me, everybody should grow up and develop at least a modicum of common sense.

October 29, 2000- 2 am, er, 1 am

Well well, the clock just changed, so I get to relive an hour of my life all over again.

October 28, 2000

I am appalled /amused at how many people who recognized the song lyric I included in last week's entry. Most all who noticed seemed appalled themselves that I used a quote from of all things, a Bon Jovi song. However, in all fairness, you deserve just as much recognition for noticing who it was by as I did for posting it. The following people knew the artist and/or the song title (you think I'm kidding don't you?):

Tom Acton, Beth Doerfler, Rachel Rodriguez, Jereme Taylor, and Anne Tick. Also, Mike, whose last name I don't remember offhand, also recognized the excerpt.

There may have been more, but hell, these are the only I can remember thus far and offhand. If you really want recognition, drop me a line, and I'll figure out a way to humiliate you :). Beth was the only one who was not appalled at the use of that particular band, she is from what i know, a fan of their music, and coincidentally, she's the only person who correctly gave the info I requested to win the "reward." Not so coincidentally, I don't know what any reward is, but I will have to figure something out, as, if I know Beth, she'll try to beat the hell out of me if I don't come up with something. Notice I said try......haha.

I am decently tired of my current predicament, any offers to take me away from here? Any NEW offers that is. Actually, I am quitting here, in a different sense and use of the word here. The initial here refers to something, while the 2nd refers to this school. Those of you who didn't know before, you do now. Hell, only about 3 people knew before now, but I figure I would rather tell people than for people to find out. As in the second case of a here mentioned, I may as well do it on my own terms. The first here mentioned, well, fuck, it's about time I moved the fuck on. I know I know, I should've a while ago, and hell, I've tried, but some things have made me much more apt to do so now. By apt I mean frustrated(lonely) and annoyed(depressed). Now don't get all fucked up on me, that is no major change, I was just told a couple of things lately that make me want to not even remotely deal with it. I feel i must once again clarify, I do not type this with a heavy heart, nor am I outwardly moping or anything stupid like that, I'm just fucking tired. I don't mean that I want to sleep, either.

How is all? After the comments about getting columns last week, I got, well, NONE. Jereme hinted at thinking about maybe having an idea, kos doesn't seem to exist anymore, and Fig's claim of getting me one by the weekend went unfulfilled. You sons of bitches, hook it up.

I recently came into the possession of a free poster from something called Eagle Research. It has on it "The Rules of Programming." Now, I hate programming, but this is applicable for other things, life in general to a degree.

I know it's tacky to include little motivational messages, but to be frank, if that's enough to motivate you, I have some land on Jupiter I'd like to sell you, only $1000 per 10 acres, really, let's chat, I'll even bargain with you. I just found it interesting that all these things can easily be applied to any standard portion of existence. Though, at the same time, they are also the same kind of thing those annoyingly uppity think-they're-smart people always try to shove down your throats. Let me sum it up as this, the moment that you think you're better than someone, is the moment that you're not. That has a disclaimer though, something I've found out since I formed that view- everybody is better than you. We're all better than you. You refers to you, you know who you are, and you're basically worthless, admit it.

Now, I am going to sleep, it is 5:41 am.

Oh yeah, go to dank, i posted something there as satanwannabe, enjoy.