January 21, 2001

4:27 AM-

As of 4 am ish, there are buttons for each person's column on most all pages on this site, and for sure at the bottom of this page. There is a new wallpaper up too, I'm not sure if I like it yet or not, give it a looksee and tell me what you think, I welcome any feedback.

2 AM ish-

As you will likely notice, the content from me was originally written on the 17, I have worked and slept since then, singularly, and have had little time to post anything. PLUS, and here's the good part- I was waiting on columns from a couple of people/trying to convince some to send one at all. I have 2 new contributors as of this publication, Mike and Jasmine. As of my initial writing of this, I don't have button links for either yet but I will before sunday is over, at the very latest. To go to their respective columns merely click on their names in the prior sentence. Also, hell must've frozen over, as Jereme sent me a fresh column, which I am quite pleased to recommend. You may reach that by clicking on his name, or on his button at the bottom of the page. Zach too, sent me freshness, as always, click on his name- he analyzes a much deeper issue than most of us do most times in this, his eleventh issue, it is a good read. Fig chimes in as well this time with a column on musical tastes, though his description of my tastes being loud and obnoxious I deny fully, he's never listened to Nick Cave, which would likely change that outlook. But I digress, I shall save my comments for another time, as with jereme, click on either Zach's or Fig's names in the prior sentences, or on their buttons at the bottom of the page after reading my long and obnoxiously whiny rant.

I keep trying to half dissuade people from reading my content this week, saying it's whiny, even though I don't feel that way. It is actually quite personal to me, and I somewhat regret having posted it at all, I just needed to get it out, and there's nobody I could actually say any of it to, so there it is, for all to see I guess. I will try to design and post another wallpaper here by sunday at the latest as well. Read on and call me a whiny manic depressive in my guestbook if you want, better to say it than just to think it.

January 17, 2001

It has been one month to the day since I last updated this thing with any content of any form. There are a few reasons for that, a couple of which I will mention, and one which I will elaborate upon.

One of the primary reasons is the simple fact that I've had very little time as of late, though maybe it's that I just haven't made the time, I don't know which. I have been working semi constantly, and sleeping most of the rest of the time, I just don't have time to accomplish any of my goals. I need to resume learning to play my guitar, I need to read at least some of the 1000 page book I bought about GoLive(the program I use to make this site). I need to finish Shenmue(a Dreamcast game, you have to play it to understand what I mean). I have to sleep, I have to go to work, I have to start waking up in time to eat before I go to work- nearly passing out the last two times I've been at work forcibly woke me up to that necessity. Add this to any and other minor functions of life, and I have a fun little existence as of late.

I am not whining, merely trying to illuminate the situation as it stands.

Another large reason is singularly related to my work schedule, I am always tired, thus I sleep a lot, and usually right up to the point I have to leave for work, and I value sleep more than anything, so this in particular has been pushed to the figurative back burner.

The other, and likely my one driving reason for the lack of words is more complex and not something I am entirely sure I want to type out at all, but I am going to nonetheless. I will begin with a mild explanation, then lead into the meat of the account as well as I can.

Where do I begin?

Well, this is as good a place as any.

I enjoy existence, I enjoy consciousness, it's a wonderful wonderful thing and I think I have the semi negative tendency to exude a sense of confidence about all of this. I do not mean that I think my own existence is all that spectacular, not by any means, anybody who has ever spoken to me knows that I am quite self deprecating on all but a few issues, and regarding those issues, I am only joking. I don't know when it started exactly, or why it started, but for some reason recently I am impressed with the gravity of my situation. I do not mean that in the "that's impressive" sense of the word impressed, I mean it has been impressed upon me, that the knowledge was forced onto me, or in this case the feeling was.

Let me interject an example here - I love driving, seriously, it is an exhilarating freedom to have, no matter how long or short the distance, the extreme mobility over distance is a truly freeing concept. Yes, the word free is strewn about intentionally, I am not being unintentionally redundant. I am completely free within my car to go wherever my gas tank will take me, and the same concept applies to my mind, though I have no clue what the gas tank thing refers to relative to my mind, it was just an extension of the car/freedom comparison. Besides, you can always get more gas. In my head, in my thoughts, in my feelings, in my ideas, in my hopes and etcetera I can go anywhere and be anything I choose. That is a very literal statement, as I am of the mind that I can do whatever my heart desires- I just have to figure out what that is. I can go anywhere, but lately I tend to end up in the same place. It's odd, as I just get this overwhelming sense of being alone. I am not saying lonely, nah, lonely I can deal with, that's my old friend, this- this is different. This is shall we say- worse? By saying this I am by the very nature of my comments complaining, but fuck you. If anybody suggests religion as a fix, eat a fucking dick.

I am of the mind that a certain degree of my current state is my being lonely, on a different level than I have been before, in the sense that prior to this last year or so, I never knew what I was missing, now I do, so it's much harder on me, but it's not just that. I was, ahem, weaned off of the thing that temporarily made me not lonely, so I can't say that it's exclusively that. By weaned I mean forced the fuck out of dodge by a herd of cattle- each of them prattling on and on about how much I changed and was no longer "nice." And no, I never did change, and I was painfully nice, but hey, who cares, at least, I know one person who didn't.

Yeah, that was a dig, I am allowed one, just one, or more, who's counting anyways.

I digress, my apologies.

My little "issue" of feeling alone or whatever is not conditional, not brought on by stimuli(though it can be affected by stimuli once in effect), and it's not constant or even consistent. It is frustrating and maddening and painful and debilitating and paralyzing and frightening to realize that in this wide wide world, I am totally alone. I have quite a few acquaintances, but none anywhere near me, and none I would hang out with, not by my choice, just cause that's how it is right now. I have many amazing friends, but none here. I stated earlier that I basically go to work then go home and sleep then wake up to go to work then go home to sleep and so on, well, besides the fact that I'm tired, there's nothing else for me to do. I am in the utterly regrettable position of being universally liked but universally unloved. Don't get me wrong, I know my parents love me and all that shit, and I don't mean the whole world should be in love with me, I don't mean it like that, I just realized recently that I have since high school especially gotten farther and farther from people in general, and it is currently haunting me literally. I do not refer to romantic love, though that'd be nice, I am still a little wary of that after the way my one experience with that turned out. Whether I am to blame for that outcome or not(I'm not), it sours me on the process, even though I am regardless of that by nature a hopeless romantic, and I hold the value of love in a limitlessly exalted light.

There I go, off on a tangent- sorry.

As I was saying, I do not request the romantic love of the world, nor do I request anything of anyone other than myself, hell, you get the idea, I am done explaining that.

I saw the movie "What Women Want" last week, and while doing so I found myself dissecting the relationship that formed between the characters of Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt, I focused more on the dynamic of the interaction between the characters than the content of the story. I increasingly find myself looking to find some glorification of the concept of true love in media. I increasingly find myself looking to find some glorification of the concept of true friendship in media.

One day, I am normal, just the annoyingly and seemingly unflappably confident and mildly happy person that I am often in the company of others. The next, or even later in that same day, I wish upon a hope upon a dream of a prayer of a falling star to have somebody to talk to for 5 minutes before I die, and my wishes fall to the floor unfulfilled and shatter only to be spread among the shards of wishes of days and nights past. I am not suicidal, I am not sad, I am just alone. I don't show it outwardly, that's no attempted illusion of strength, I just don't let myself show it, nor do I know how I would. I don't bottle it up, because as I said, I am not sad, just alone, which, as I am coming to realize, is so much worse.

What I'm saying is that I'm looking for a date or at least to get laid. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha(groan)

No, that's not even remotely near what I am saying, though the latter of the 2 wouldn't be bad. ; )

I'm kidding. I kid in that lovely dark sense of someone who knows no other defense mechanism on a whim other than to try to push everything aside and offend you with the vulgarity of my comment.

The truly perplexing thought amongst all this is that it didn't affect a thing when my closest acquaintances were near me, when they were in town and we went out most nights, my days still reflected these things above. It was not the eventuality of their departure, if I were still in school I too would be departing.

I told you it makes no sense.

I am not whining, I am not seeking pity or attention or that other "p" word, this is my forum in which to place my thoughts, would you have me ignore my own state of being in the one place I can try to get it out?

This is where I would say, "I'll be fine, I'm always fine," but I am tired of just being fine. Fine doesn't cut it for anybody else, in fact I try to get people to not settle for just being "fine," so when do I start listening to my own advice? Fine hurts when you have known what it feels like to be happy, no matter how briefly. There's the rub isn't it, either you stay happy forever or you miss it forever? That's one helluva dropoff. It isn't like you can go from 0 to 60 then just come to a dead stop, you go from 60 to -60, throwing it in reverse as you slam on the brake, a net loss of 120, not 60.

It's 5 am and I have to work in 9 hours, so I may soon get a few hours of sleep then wake up to cut my hair and wash my clothes before work if I have the time, depends on how well I sleep I guess.

ah well, such is life, I am not the first person to ever be in a painful spot nor will I be the last.

That should make me feel better, but notice I never once said that this will end anytime soon or that I will once again have some semblance of joy.

I'm out.