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The Evil Elf and the Man with No Arms |
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About Me Diaries Stories
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The world’s most evil elf, a small green-clad being named Tee, was taking a short holiday in a faraway country. Tee didn’t take holidays much, since it was much more fun to cause pain and suffering to people you knew, but he’d caused pain and suffering to everyone in his own village, and he was getting bored. So he’d hopped on the bus with his suitcase and ridden all the way across the land. Then he’d hopped off the bus and let the bomb in the suitcase do its work. It had been, Tee reflected as he sat by a lake full of fish, a great way to start the holiday. A few hours previously, the lake had been crystal clear and the fish had been swimming about happily. Now the water was full of some suspicious cloudy substance and the fish were floating on top of it, doomed to meet their maker with a permanently surprised expression on their faces. “Hey!” yelled a sharp voice from behind Tee. Tee turned round to see a man a good six feet taller than him, glowering. The man had an angry-looking shock of hair, eyebrows you could lose a rabbit in and boots so heavy it was amazing he could pick his own feet up. “Yes?” said Tee, irritated at being interrupted. “This is private property!” The enormous man stomped towards him, his boots causing minor earthquakes with every step. “So?” said Tee. “So get off my land before I make you!” “Why should I be scared of you?” asked Tee scornfully. “Because I’m eight feet tall and four feet wide with a very bad temper! And you, you’re just a little elf!” “Well, yeah,” said Tee, “but you’ve got no arms.” The big man looked down at his shoulders. “No. No, I haven’t.” “So how exactly are you going to catch me?” asked Tee. “Stupid man with no arms.” The Man With No Arms glared at Tee from below his fearsome eyebrows. “I could step on you and crush you like a little bug. I could kick your puny little body all the way to Albuquerque! I don’t know where that is, but I know a lot of things get kicked there… Anyway, I could sit on you and you would crumple into a tiny bloody heap on the grass. Then my dog could eat you! I could…” “Or,” Tee suggested conversationally, “You could rant on for ages about how you’re going to kill me while I tie your feet to this enormous tree.” The Man With No Arms looked at his feet and realised that that was exactly what had happened. “Damn you, you evil little squirt!” he bellowed. Constables Sausage and Chips ambled into view, having taken a holiday to recover from the sudden illness they’d both come down with at Christmas. When they saw a giant man tied to a tree, they thought they’d better go over. “What’s going on here?” asked Constable Sausage, in his best ‘I’m-a-policeman’ voice. He wasn’t very good at it. “I’m tied to a tree!” The Man With No Arms yelled. “Yes, we can see that,” said Constable Chips politely. “There’s no need to shout. Why are you tied to a tree?” “This stupid little elf tied me up!” yelled The Man With No Arms at a record number of decibels. Both constables looked at Tee, who appeared to be capering in the manner of most happy little elves. He was, in fact, not capering but pillaging an ants’ nest of all its decent furniture and prized possessions, but the policemen couldn’t see that. To them, it was just that little elf from their village who always seemed to be around to solve the crimes. There was a suspicion that he may have caused most of them, but nobody liked to think like that. “Don’t be stupid,” said Constable Sausage derisively. “It’s an elf, man! How could an elf tie an eight-foot man to a tree?” “Hey,” said Constable Chips, who’d just noticed something, “did you know you haven’t got any arms?” The man looked down at his shoulders again. “Yes. Did know.” “I think he’s deranged,” said Tee. “Really?” said Constable Sausage. “What do we do with deranged people?” asked Constable Chips. “Leave him tied to a pole, then sit down and enjoy your picnic,” Tee suggested. “What a nice elf,” said Constable Sausage, as Tee scampered off to set fire to the ants’ possessions. “This is private property!!!” bellowed The Man With No Arms. “Stupid Man With No Arms,” said Tee. |