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Attack of the Bunnies |
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About Me Diaries Stories
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Warning: This is the stupidest thing ever. It was another lovely day in Magic Fluffy Bunny Land, where everybody smiled and nothing ever went wrong. As usual, the sun was shining, the sky was cloudless, the magic fluffy bunnies were hopping round the lush green fields, and Sir Alphonso was sitting outside his enormous mansion taking tea with his mother-in-law, Lady Bellamy, under a giant parasol. As usual, they made small talk about the weather and how healthy the bunnies were looking. By following this formula, they’d never had a proper conversation in all the twenty years Sir Alphonso had been married to Lady Bellamy’s daughter, Annabella. As Sir Alphonso poured some more hideously expensive tea into Lady Bellamy’s hideously expensive teacup, Captain Pratt came dashing up. “Ah, Captain Pratt,” said Sir Alphonso. “How goes it, man?” Captain Pratt looked around him wildly. “Bunnies…bunnies…so many bunnies…” “Well, there’s always been bunnies, man!” Sir Alphonso was confused. What the deuce was going on? “Oh dear,” said Lady Bellamy with a world-weary sigh. “You’re not having night terrors again, are you, Archibald?” Captain Pratt shook his head. “It’s not a dream. They’re after me! I know about their scheme, you see…I found out…the bunnies want to take over the world!!!” “Archibald,” Lady Bellamy snapped, “for goodness’ sake sit down and stop making such an exhibition of yourself!” Captain Pratt trembled, and sat himself down on the spare chair, keeping his legs well off the floor. Lady Bellamy tutted, but said nothing else. “Tea?” Sir Alphonso offered. Captain Pratt’s eyes widened. “Tea? Oh, God, no! It’s been poisoned!” “What???” exclaimed Sir Alphonso and Lady Bellamy at the same time. “The bunnies…it was the bunnies! They poisoned the tea!” “Oh, good grief!” Lady Bellamy was disgusted. “What about a crumpet, then?” Sir Alphonso proffered the plate. “Will you have a crumpet, man?” “A crumpet? No! No! Do you know what the bunnies do to the crumpets? They put razor blades in them! The bunnies want to take back what’s theirs!!!” This was too much for even good-natured Sir Alphonso, who called Doctors Bucket and Spade immediately. “Paranoid-delusional,” was Doctor Bucket’s verdict. “A severe case,” added Doctor Spade, who wouldn’t have known a severe case if it punched him in the nose, but wanted to look important in front of the aristocrats. “I suggest we hospitalise him,” Dr. Bucket advised. “I was about to say exactly the same thing,” insisted Doctor Spade, who had actually been about to suggest that they tie him up to the flagpole and let all the passers-by laugh at him for 20p apiece. Captain Pratt was subsequently carted off to the MFB Detention Centre For Mentally Unbalanced Lunatics. “What a ridiculous gentleman,” Lady Bellamy remarked, as she bit into a crumpet. And promptly choked to death on the razor blade embedded in it. The bunnies giggled. Sir Alphonso tried to look upset at the death of his mother-in-law and failed. He took another sip of tea and died of arsenic poisoning. The bunnies giggled. Sir Alphonso’s wife Annabella wandered out of the mansion and saw her mother and husband dead on the lawn. “Typical,” she remarked to the bunnies. “I told them, razor-blade crumpets and arsenic tea are bad for your health, don’t come crying to me when you die, but did they pay any attention? No! Oh, we’ll be fine, Annabella, don’t worry about us, Annabella, our stomachs are stronger than yours, Annabella. And look at that – see what happened? Bloody useless, that’s what they are!” The bunnies giggled. “I don’t know what you think you’re laughing at,” said Annabella to the bunnies, “Mother and Alphonso bought cyanide flavour Rabbit-O’s this week.” The bunnies exchanged glances and all dropped dead on the spot. “Bloody useless,” said Annabella. “And look at all the washing-up they’ve left me with!”
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