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The Evil Elf and the Christmas Chocolate Conspiracy |
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About Me Diaries Stories
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Tee the evil elf was, for the first time in his life, in trouble. Even the world’s most evil elf could do little against an enormous red-suited giant with an abundance of small Tee-sized cages. Tee wasn’t scared of the local police, Constables Sausage and Chips, or any of the local judges, or even the wild animals that lived in the forest – huge beasts with long pink tails, big ears and a tendency to go “squeak” at every opportunity – but this red-suited giant had a gang of horrific-looking mutant creatures with hat-stands growing out of their heads. One even had an oversized tomato stuck to his nose. He had been kidnapped from his village three days previously, when he had been engaged in the practice of visiting various funerals and pushing the corpse back up through the ground after it had been buried. A large, fat-fingered hand had grabbed him by the ears and held him up before a large round face almost entirely hidden by an expanse of white cotton wool, topped with an exaggerated version of Tee’s own red hat. “Well, I say!” a deep, booming voice that threatened to knock Tee over backwards said. “A real elf!” “It looks a bit weird,” said one of the hat-stand-headed mutants. “Maybe they all look like this,” said the red man. “But it’ll frighten the children!” said Tomato Nose. “Nothing frightens children nowadays,” said the red man with a snort. “If they’re told there’s a bogeyman under the bed, they’ll attack it with a stick. Now come on. Back to the grotto.” The hat-stand-headed mutants grumbled, but allowed themselves to be harnessed to the red bath-tub-type thing on what looked like ice-skate blades. The red man squeezed himself into the seat and took hold of the reins. “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen!” “What?!” said Tee. “What a stupid bunch of names!” “Excuse me?” said the red man angrily. “That’s the ponciest bunch of rubbish I’ve ever heard!” Tee snapped. “Everyone’ll think Mrs. Claus is just an elaborate sham if you’re not careful. Why didn’t you just call them Fred, Sid, Alf, Dave, Frank, Pete, Bill, Joe and John?” “Oh. I didn’t think of those,” said the red man. “Stupid Father Christmas,” said Tee. “Can I go now?” “No you can’t. We need you to help in our grotto.” “Why?” “Because you’re a happy little elf, of course.” “I’m not a happy little elf!” Tee snapped. “I’m the most evil elf in the entire world! I beat a gypsy to death with a large metal club the other week!” “So what?” said Santa. “There used to be eighteen reindeer, you know. Until I shot half of them for getting on my wick.” “Oh,” said Tee. “Well, I got a potential world leader arrested for life. And I got the king of my kingdom the death penalty for drug smuggling and the murder of that gypsy I told you about.” “Yeah?” said Tomato Nose. “See this nose? It was the last bit of food the Parks family had left. I wanted it, so I took it. They starved to death in a gutter.” “Every time we deliver chocolate to a house, I poison it,” said Alf. “It makes all the kids grow up into teenagers - ” “Ugh!” said Tee. “I haven’t finished,” said Alf. “It makes them grow up into teenagers who are constantly depressed, constantly yelling and never able to find any inner peace.” “When does it wear off?” asked Tee. “It doesn’t,” said Fred. “After they eat it, they begin on the route to a slow, lingering and painful death which takes decades to complete.” “You see, humans are actually immortal,” said Sid. “But after they eat our Christmas chocolate, there’s no hope left for them.” “I see,” said Tee. “And where would I find this chocolate?” “Oh, you can’t use it,” said Dave. “It’s just us reindeer.” “And me,” said Santa. “I can use it.” “Why bother?” asked Tee. “Seems like a lot of fuss. Why don’t you just drop a few bombs? Or open fire, if that’s not personal enough.” “We like the suffering,” said Tomato Nose. Constables Sausage and Chips happened along. “What’s going on here?” asked Constable Sausage. Tee turned round. “This is S. Claus and his Mutants. Powerful group of assassins. Always spoken of, never seen.” “Oh,” said Constable Sausage. “I think you should kill them,” said Tee. “OK,” said Constable Chips, and shot them all. “Stupid Father Christmas,” said Tee, picking up the bag of poisoned chocolate and running off to the children’s tea party. |