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Buffy Parody Script |
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About Me Diaries Stories
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Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine. But you knew that, unless you're living in a very strange remote place, and if you are, you probably won't have a computer and probably won't be reading this. So scratch all that. (Cemetery at night. Buffy is
prowling round the gravestones) BUFFY: Hi. I’m a vampire slayer. VAMPIRE: I don’t believe you. (Buffy stakes vampire) BUFFY: Ah well. ***** (Buffy’s school) BUFFY: Hi, I’m Buffy. WILLOW: I’m Willow. At the moment I am a shy, geeky computer-brain type, but you just know that as the show continues I’m going to ditch all these stupid clothes and suddenly look gorgeous. BUFFY: Of course. I’m a vampire slayer. XANDER: How about that. ***** GILES: I’m Giles. I’ll be your Watcher. I am a stereotypical British person so will be talking in this, er, well, sort of, um, I, this, bumbling way, because that’s what Americans think all British people are like. BUFFY: Oh good. How convenient you found me ten minutes into the first episode. GILES: Yes. The world’s going to end. BUFFY: Oh. ***** BUFFY: Your friend’s dead. XANDER: That’s OK. It’s only the second episode. We weren’t that attached to him. ***** VAMPIRE: I’m going to end the world! BUFFY: No you’re not. VAMPIRE: Aren’t I? Alright then. ***** ANGEL: You’re in grave danger. BUFFY: I have taken an instant dislike to this very handsome man who keeps showing up in the script. ANGEL: That’s alright. I’ll get some later. ***** BUFFY: You’re a vampire! ANGEL: Yes, but I have a soul. BUFFY: Oh, that’s alright then. Let’s go to bed. ANGEL: Told you I’d get some later. ***** MS. CALENDAR: You’re a stuffy, middle-aged bore. GILES: I have taken an instant dislike to this very beautiful woman who keeps showing up in the script. MS. CALENDAR: Yeah, me too. But you wait till the end of the episode. ***** GILES: You’re going to die. BUFFY: It’s my show. I’ll come back to life. GILES: You sure? BUFFY: The heroine always kills the bad guy. Duh. ***** ANGEL: This has to stop, Buffy. BUFFY: OK. (They kiss. For ages.) ANGEL: This has to stop, Buffy. BUFFY: OK. (They kiss. For ages.) ANGEL: This has to stop, Buffy… ***** CORDELIA: I’m a bitch, and I hate Buffy and her friends. Especially Xander. I really hate Xander. Oh, look at that, I’m dating Xander. How bizarre. ***** KENDRA: Ah am de Vampyr Slayrrr. Ah tink Ah will get killed off pret-ty quick-lee cos nobody can oonderstand ma ac-cent. ***** SPIKE: I’m a very mean bad-ass vampire who scares the hell out of everyone and has killed two slayers, but for some reason I can’t kill the one the show’s named after. Funny, that. ***** DRUSILLA: Full moon, dolls, Angel, blah blah blah… in case you can’t tell, I’m nuts. ***** JONATHAN: Hi. ***** (Long and protracted sex
scene) ANGEL: Hey, where’d my soul go? Must’ve lost it. Oops. ***** BUFFY: Angel’s gone evil again. You can tell because he’s wearing leather trousers. WILLOW: I’ll put a spell on him. BUFFY: No, don’t. WILLOW: It’ll be a great storyline. BUFFY: OK then, just don’t tell me you did it. WILLOW: Fine. ***** GILES: Angel killed the woman I loved. BUFFY: So what are you going to do? GILES: Well, I’d kill him, except that Americans think the British are wimps, so I’ll just get very badly hurt instead. ***** ANGEL: I’ve got my soul back. BUFFY: Oh rapturous day! However, I must now kill you and send you to hell. ANGEL: Damn. BUFFY: I’m going to leave town now. ***** ANGEL: Oh, look at that. I came back from hell. GILES: Unfortunately, you are a savage beast. BUFFY: That’s OK. I won’t tell anyone he’s back. GILES: Oh good. ***** JONATHAN: Hi. ***** ANGEL: Well, I seem to have recovered completely. BUFFY: Great. I can stop dating the other guy now. ***** ANGEL: This has to stop, Buffy. BUFFY: OK. (They kiss. For ages.) ANGEL: This has to stop, Buffy. BUFFY: OK. (They kiss. For ages.) ANGEL: This has to stop, Buffy… REST OF THE WORLD: Argh! Stop it! For crying out loud! ***** AMY: Oh hey, I’m a rat. Would ya look at that. ***** WILLOW: I’m dating Oz. XANDER: I suddenly find you extremely attractive. WILLOW: Oh good! ***** OZ: Since my only purpose on this show is as Willow’s boyfriend, I forgive you Willow. WILLOW: Oh. Good. CORDELIA: Since I am a strong, independent woman, I hate you Xander and will never forgive you. XANDER: Crap. ***** JONATHAN: Hi. I’m going to kill myself. BUFFY: No. Don’t. JONATHAN: OK. ***** ANYA: Hi. Wanna go out with me? XANDER: But you’re a demon! ANYA: Not anymore. XANDER: Oh, alright then. ***** THE MAYOR: Well, gosh darnit, I’m just about the nicest homicidal maniac you could ever want to meet. But I don’t like germs. No germs, thank you. I’m going to spend all season being a smug, irritating git, then turn myself into a badly-animated giant demon snake. ***** WESLEY: I am a carbon copy of Giles in Season One, and here for no other reason than to make him look good. And to get extremely paedophilic feelings as regards Cordelia. ***** FAITH: Hi, I’m an evil slayer who’s going to team up with your enemy. BUFFY: That’s alright. It’s my show. I’m gonna win anyway. Oh, look at that. You’re in a coma and I killed the giant demon snake. ***** ANGEL: I’m going to leave for LA because I’m sexually frustrated and I want my own show. BUFFY: OK. See you at the next crossover. ANGEL: Gotcha. ***** CORDELIA: Since I no longer have a purpose on this show, I’m going to leave too and by some astonishing coincidence meet up with Angel in LA. ***** WILLOW: You know, I could have gone to any college in the world, but I’m going to stay at this one that nobody’s ever heard of to keep the plot together. BUFFY: Oh good. But after this season nobody’s going to go to college anyway. ***** BUFFY: I’m so upset about Angel leaving, waaah… RILEY: Hi. BUFFY: Ooh, tasty new guy! Yum! RILEY: Just don’t mention Angel. BUFFY: Who? ***** RILEY: It’s a big secret military operation. But you can come in. BUFFY: Thanks. ***** PROFESSOR WALSH: I don’t like you. BUFFY: That’s OK. People who don’t like me always die. PROFESSOR WALSH: Oh, look at that, I did. ***** SPIKE: I was too valuable a character to lose, so they made me harmless. Nobody on the show likes me, but I’m going to stick around and make sarcastic comments anyway. Oh hey, I think I’ve fallen in love with Buffy. Oops. ***** OZ: I’m a werewolf. I’m going to leave so I don’t hurt you. WILLOW: How selfish. OZ: I will come back. WILLOW: I’ll mope around and get on everyone’s nerves for a while, then become the show’s token lesbian, then when you come back I’ll tell you to go away again. OZ: Suits me. ***** WILLOW: I wish Amy wasn’t a rat. AMY: Oh, hey, I’m not a rat! WILLOW: But she is a rat. AMY: Oh, fu - ***** FAITH: Hi, me again. BUFFY: Even though I stabbed you in the stomach and put you in a coma, I reserve the right to be pissed off and self-righteous. FAITH: Wouldn’t that make a change. ***** BUFFY: I can’t believe you slept with Faith! RILEY: Well, she was in your body at the time. And I’m sure you’ve noticed that, for someone who’s meant to be a psychology graduate, I’m a complete dimwit. BUFFY: I think everyone’s noticed by now, lover boy. ***** JONATHAN: Hi. For one episode everyone’s going to think I’m the greatest thing on earth. BUFFY: Stuck for a plot much? ***** GILES: This season’s big foe is almost unkillable. What shall we do? BUFFY: We’ll kill him. GILES: What a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that? ***** MRS SUMMERS: Buffy, you remember your sister Dawn? BUFFY: Yes. How do we create a plausible explanation for this? GILES: Oh, it’s easy. Dawn is the Key, a ball of energy transformed into a human by a group of monks so that a female god trapped in a human male’s body can’t use it to rip open the fabric between dimensions. BUFFY: Oh, of course. How silly of me. ***** XANDER: Did you notice that we hardly ever see a vampire anymore? BUFFY: Shut up and help us work out how to kill a god trapped in a man’s body, please. ***** RILEY: I was only strong because of medication. How depressing. I think I’ll mope about whingeing about how inadequate I feel. BUFFY: Oh, don’t be like that. It’s all your imagination. I mean, it’s disappointing that you’re not strong, you are inadequate and I don’t want you going outside in case you hurt yourself. ***** SPIKE: I love you. BUFFY: Shut up. We have to draw out this sexual tension thing for as long as we can. SPIKE: How about now? BUFFY: No. SPIKE: Now? BUFFY: No! ***** RILEY: I’m going to leave the show now, because you and Spike have to get together. BUFFY: OK. For some reason I’m really not that upset. ***** XANDER: Marry me, oh scary ex-demon. ANYA: OK. ***** DAWN: I have to die now. BUFFY: Nah, we like this character. I’ll die instead. DAWN: You can’t do that! It’s your show! BUFFY: I know. At least this way they’ll work out how to bring me back. DAWN: Alright. Make a touching speech and jump off this very high building. BUFFY: Sure, sis. ***** GILES: Bye. ***** BUFFY: Hey, they brought me back to life. What a surprise. WILLOW: I did it with magic. TARA: You use too much magic, snoogle-bum. WILLOW: It’s part of the plot, sweetie. But I’ll make you forget about it if you want. TARA: Thanks, baby. ***** SPIKE: I love you. BUFFY: I don’t feel the same way, but I’ll sleep with you anyway. SPIKE: That’s not a problem. ***** ENTIRE CAST: Lalalalala…we can’t sing, lalalalalala… ***** BUFFY: I’m not going to sleep with you anymore. SPIKE: Come back to bed. BUFFY: OK! ***** TARA: Willow, you’re using too much magic so I’m going to leave you. WILLOW: That’s a good idea. Then I can whinge about it and do some spells with good special effects. ***** AMY: Finally, I’m not a rat anymore! However, it turns out I’m a bad influence, so they’re going to rush me off the show as fast as possible. ***** XANDER: It’s our wedding day.. ANYA: Yes, and I’ve got the hideous bridesmaid dresses all ready. XANDER: I’m going to run off scared now. ANYA: And I’ll turn back into a demon. Ain’t life grand. ***** WARREN: Buffy, I’m going to shoot you. BUFFY: You won’t kill me. It’s my show. WARREN: I’ll kill someone else then. ***** WILLOW: Warren shot Tara. Therefore I’m going to become evil and rip his skin off. WARREN: I’d rather you didn’t. WILLOW: Tough. ***** WILLOW: With my new scary black hair, I’m going to kill Warren’s accomplices. JONATHON: But we didn’t do anything. ANDREW: Let’s go to Mexico. JONATHON: No, the viewers like me. So I’m going to sit here and act all self righteous. Then go to Mexico anyway. ***** WILLOW: I’m going to end the world. XANDER: Don’t. WILLOW: OK. ***** SPIKE: I want this chip out of my head. DEMON: Very well. Have your soul back. SPIKE: Oh, this is an original plotline… ***** |