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The Evil Elf and the Plot for World Domination |
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About Me Diaries Stories
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Once upon a time, there was a small elf. To the casual observer, it looked like a very sweet elf. Tiny, with big pointy ears, a little green tunic and a cute red hat, it could have been one of Santa’s little elves. Except for one thing. This elf was evil. He was known around his village as Tee (short for The Evil Elf, naturally). Most elves played a few practical jokes every now and again, but Tee went far beyond that. Tee didn’t just hide someone’s purse. He hid someone’s purse in someone else’s handbag and got that person banged up for ten years on a theft charge. Nobody ever caught Tee –he was too fast, too clever. Plus he had a very hard bite and wasn’t afraid to use it. The village policemen, Constables Sausage and Chips, were both cowardly, lazy and stupid, and didn’t want to have the bother of dealing with a criminal like Tee when there were so many easier crimes to sort out. So they pretended Tee didn’t exist, filed away all the reports on him, and spent many nice afternoons playing golf or table tennis. One day, after a hard afternoon knocking on people’s doors and running away after leaving a bag of explosives on their doorstep, Tee got home to find a crowd of people waiting for him. “Ah, ‘tis the evil elf, is’t not?” said a fat little personage dressed in green. Ugh, thought Tee, leprechauns. I hate leprechauns. He glared at the leprechaun. Despite his evil reputation, his glare wasn’t that threatening and the leprechaun ignored it. “Top o’ th’ mornin’ to yous,” it said. “Oi’m Moichael the leprechaun. Oi hear you’re de most evil elf in the entoire world.” “What of it?” Tee snapped. Moichael, indeed. What sort of a name was Moichael? “Me and moi associates here,” Moichael elaborated, “wish to take over de world. And since you are de most evil elf in de entoire world, we tought we’d come and get your advoice.” “Why should I help you?” asked Tee, moving slowly towards his box of grenades. “Because,” piped up one of the other leprechauns, “we all guard a pot of gold at de end of a rainbow. And wouldn’t you loike to get your hands on dat gold?” Tee rolled his eyes. “I’m not stupid, you know. I know you can’t possibly reach the end of a rainbow. The way you get gold is by holding up jewellery stores. I didn’t get my reputation as being “de most evil elf in de entoire world” by being stupid and believing daft promises about non-existent gold from a bunch of fat green Irish idiots.” “Well!” exclaimed the leprechauns in shock. “What is he loike? We don’t talk dat way to our elders in Oirland.” “Look, just get out of my house!” Tee snapped. “If I want to take over the world, I’ll do it by myself. Go back to your non-existent gold.” He picked up his box of grenades and started throwing them. “Go, on, get!” “Foine,” muttered Moichael as he and the rest of the leprechauns trooped out of Tee’s house. “We can take over de world wit’out your help.” “Fat chance,” said Tee to their retreating backs. “Stupid leprechauns.” Six months later, Tee was out switching all the signposts round so they all pointed over the cliff when Constables Sausage and Chips approached him. “All hail Moichael!” said Constable Sausage. “You what?” said Tee, turning round. “All hail Moichael!” said Constable Chips. “All elves found not hailing Moichael are to be arrested.” Tee hit both constables over the head with their helmets. “Stupid policemen. Brainwashed by a couple of leprechauns.” “Leprechauns?” said Constable Sausage. “Are they leprechauns?” “I don’t like leprechauns,” said Constable Chips. “I’d arrest them, if I were you,” said Tee. “You’re the boss,” said Constable Sausage, and arrested the leprechauns. The Evil Elf grinned. “Stupid leprechauns,” he said. |