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THE END TIMES VOLUME IV || ISSUE 2 || FEBRUARY 8, 2007 |
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Non-Discussion Clouds the Topic of Female Toe-Sucking Talent Show Cancelled for 2007 |
Gourds Complicate LifestyleAcorn. Spaghetti. Pumpkin. The known world would have you, the average citizen of Earth, know that these three items are unrelated in size, substance, and quality of consumable food. Juan Gourdez, an English sophomore, hopes to change all of that. �Squash is not just a fruit that people refuse to eat,� says the squash enthusiast. �The variety of natural squash alone, and the dietary supplementation it provides, is enough to put Granny Smith and Washington apples to shame�and out of business.� Gourdez is an avid collector of squash, both common and rare, but not just for his daily supplements. Yellow squash, acorn squash, spaghetti squash, turban squash, and even pattypan squash are commonplace in his liquid-nitrogen fueled freezer. His most recent acquisition? A butternut squash bearing the likeness of television�s Judge Judy. �Quite literally, it was a steal. The seller wasn�t thinking when he put it up on eBay right next to a zucchini shaped like Mother Teresa. Sure, I bid on Teresa myself, but I just didn�t have thousands of dollars like Squshluvr87 had. Judge Judy was much more economical at $5.36. They killed me with the $100 in cryogenic shipping though.� Currently, Gourdez has stopped collecting while he looks for a new place to store his collection. �My roommate claimed he was allergic to squash. But when I tell him that squash is a primary ingredient in cooking oil, he just threatens to pull the plug on the freezer.� Gourdez hopes the cafeteria will loan him some freezer space to store his squash. An anonymous cafeteria official isn�t fully aware of the student�s intentions, however, as he claims that the student body can expect fourteen forms of squash casserole for the first two weeks at the start of March. |
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