THE END TIMES

VOLUME IV || ISSUE 2 || FEBRUARY 8, 2007

Non-Discussion Clouds the Topic of Female Toe-Sucking

New Club is Pro-Body

Emo Hour Expresses KLRC

Zombies Invade JBU Campus

Casinos to Open on Campus

Talent Show Cancelled for 2007

New Family Weekend Activities

Gourds Complicate Lifestyle

Origin of the End Times: A True Story

To the Little Man

END TIMES HOME

Casinos to Open on Campus

In a surprise move by the administration, John Brown University will start sponsoring on-campus gambling.

The decision came just hours after the state of Arkansas announced the legalization of gambling on college campuses. According to one JBU cabinet member, �We felt that this new development lent clout to the gambling issue on campus. So�after a brief discussion�we concluded that this change in society�s laws and cultural standards gave us a reason to lift our ban on gambling.�

Of course the university will be overseeing all gambling at JBU; evening seminars scheduled for this spring indicate that specialists will be teaching students the basic rules and techniques of games like Texas Hold �Em, Five-Card Draw, Five- Card Stud, and Slots; other games will still be outlawed, like Craps, because some find its name offensive; horse racing, primarily because students are not allowed pets on campus; and Russian Roulette is just completely out of the question.

According to a statement by the JBU cabinet, the university will oversee and conduct all gambling on campus. �No gambling may take place without the presence of each member of the cabinet, two professors, three SGA officers, four members of the parent�s council, five golden rings, and a Partridge in a pear tree. Any students found guilty of illegal or offensive gambling will be subject to review by Judiciary Board.� The university also plans to retain 16% of all earnings to help alleviate tuition fees.

�The moral of the story,� says one anonymous campus employee, �is that once something is socially acceptable, it�s no longer morally questionable; I look at scripture; I read the gospels; not once does Jesus ever question the social norms of his day. Neither should we.� Naturally.

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