THE END TIMES
VOLUME III || ISSUE 2 || DECEMBER 5, 2005
JBU Used Car Lot To Be Constucted!
Siloam 2nd Graders Replaced With Elven Entertainers
Defending the Dollar: Greenspan to be Replaced by Schwarzenegger
Wal-Mart Buys Out Santa!
Chalk up another victory for commercialism.
In an announcement that will take place tomorrow morning, the illustrious Santa Claus, the Master of Christmas and Milk-n-Cookie lover extraordinaire, will finally retire. "I love the kids," Santa told this ET reporter. "I'm just getting too old for this."
If Santa is to retire, then one must wonder who will pick up the reins? The elves? The reindeer? Mrs. Claus?
"The answer is Wal-Mart." Santa told the End Times. Last week, Wal-Mart and the Clauses formulated the contract that would surrender the North Pole, the elves, reindeer, and the rights to Christmas to the employees in blue. Santa will sign the papers during the announcement tomorrow to make the matter official.
Wal-Mart already has plans for the holiday. The elves, too young to work in the store, will be kept in the North Pole to start a new line of holiday toys. The line is expected to take over the toy industry with the next-to-nothing cost to produce, leaving ample room for profit to be made.
Seven of the eight reindeer will be sent on zoo tours around the country, and eventually the world. Dasher, the only reindeer who will not be sent along, had to be put to sleep after an unfortunate confrontation with Santa Claus. "Dasher tried to tell me that Christmas was not about money. I used to believe that, but you can't go to the Bahamas for a retirement without money. Then again, you can't buy a piece of gum without money. What can you buy without money? I don't know either."
Immediately following his one-year retirement vacation, Santa will come to Bentonville, Arkansas to fulfill the only requirement to the agreement between himself and Wal-Mart: to take his post as the door-greeter for Wal-Mart Store #1.
"Just because I'm not in charge of Christmas doesn't mean I can't give people Christmas cheer every day! Ho! Ho! HO!"
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