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Page 3 �That�s such a, �I see dead people� thing but opposite� Tracy (When Carly was being insane) �Hugs and kisses in a heterosexual manner� Carly (Her text) �Bring it� Belinda �Are you pregnant?� Jessie �At first I was thinking, �Ah ding-dong, I don�t have a can opener� Miri (On opening a can of pasta sauce she thought was pasta) �I don�t think I�d be very pretty if I exploded right now� Emily �Has anyone got a spare bosom I can borrow?� Carly (Listening to Cornershop � Brimful of Asha) �Yeah, I�ve got one in my back pocket� Sam �You can borrow my cushion� Miri Page 4 �Its like the fourth dimension � you know it�s there, but you just can�t get your head around it� Emily �Hey when you first met me, did it take you long to learn how to say my name?� Miri (To Sam) �I went all the way to the gym and it wasn�t even open!� Miri �It�s ANZAC day� Sam �I don�t care about ANZAC day� Miri �So you wouldn�t have minded if we were invaded by the Japanese in WW2?� Sam �No, I wouldn�t have minded if we were Japanese. I don�t mind speaking Japanese. Plus, they have really good skin so then maybe I wouldn�t have acne� Miri Page 5 �I have no skill�just time and paint� Emily (On her art) �Oooh�you bad puppies� Katie �I�ve never documented my pee� Emily (Quote randomly) �Hey guess what this dickhead�ass�warden�what was his name?� Carly (This was a sentence, I think) �I�m melting like a�pig�in�a�desert� Katie �There haven�t really been any movies since The Lion King with songs� Katie (An interesting conclusion to make�but�) �Nah, I�m not that keen on Carly�� Kieran (We couldn�t stop laughing for hours) �I�m not gonna drink all six�I�d end up in hospital� Miri (On her six tui bottles) �I�m in perpetual drunkedness right now� Kieran Page 6 �My voice is naturally resonant�that�s why I�m such a good singer� Kieran (And apparently this isn�t a �quote� but a �fact�) �Is this about Harrison Ford?� Katie (On Carly�s band�s song about a DEAD movie star�I love Katie) �I slept like an ocean� Katie (On her bad night�s sleep) �I just think she�s poisoned him� Belinda (About a TV couple) �If Dudley goes, I come� Kieran (We think he�s talking about moving into Wallis 2nd floor�but maybe he�s not) �It�s all platonical and stuff� Dian �He told her, in invertebrated commas, he wanted to concentrate on law� Miri (The best part is that she didn�t even realise that she�d said �invertebrated� instead of �inverted�) �What�s your name Kate?� Belinda �This is Emily. She doesn�t speak or think. Wave to her � she sometimes waves back� Emily (On how her degree will leave her with no personality) Page 7 �You only have yourself to blame!� Katie (Her constant jingle that she repeated every five seconds for an entire evening) �I wonder what will happen if I do this�� Katie (Just before she broke the pool table) �Argh! I�m never gonna be a man!� Katie (But that�s a good thing, right?) �Maybe I�ve got too much blood in my head and it�s trying to get out� Carly (On why she was bleeding) �Stop fucking swearing� Belinda �That�s true love. That makes me wanna�have love� Belinda (On the Sound of Music cover) �I have a really small stapler if anyone wants to use it� Kieran �Is that a metaphor?� Kate Page 8 �You�re gonna be the reason we have cold showers�you bastard� Dian (To Sam) �It�s not my fault my ass is bouncy� Dian �It�s three different crap choices of semi-meat� Sam (On lunch) �There once was a girl called Kate�who didn�t fall down a hole� Katie (Her song) �Woops � I got glove on your glove� Katie (Making collages on my desk) �The wasp probably thinks your hair is a flower� Kate (To Sam � a wasp was hanging around) �Yes! A flower! With peanuts in it!� Katie (Her brain has been fried by something I�m sure) �It tastes like Kieran�� Katie (On the silly putty�WHAT!?!?!) �I look better than Harrison Ford� Kieran (A statement that no one would agree with�ever) Page 9 �I�m not Negro� Kieran (Just in case anyone was worried) �Just hurry up and put more makeup on me� Kieran (For the 80�s party) �Hi, I�m Pollyanna�lets have some lollies� Carly (I forget) �My Kieran is name. Pretty are you. Bike shed bike shed. Yes mmm hmm?� Kieran (His text to Carly�alright, so Katie�s text to Carly from Kieran�s phone) �Hey Emily. Have you seen my weiner? I�ve lost my weiner. Weiner gone. Whats a weiner?� Kieran (His text to Emily�alright, so Katie was feeling creative for a whole day) �The Maori chiefs yo Momma� Sam �Bring it� Belinda (Arguing about the Treaty of Waitangi) Page 10 �I�m still, I�m still Wigga-nee� Belinda (Singing�she�s special) �I�m not Scottish, but I was born in Scotland� Sam �What clan are you from?� Kieran �It�s not fair if Dian buys something from a porn shop everyone goes �That�s a nice dildo� but if I do everyone goes �Ewwww! Kierans weird!� Emily (Paraphrasing Kieran � who came into her room and said this randomly) �It would be like spending money on racing rabbits� Miri (On raising boys) �Look! Their BREASTS are everywhere! And they�re KISSING! And�VULVA� Katie (Trying to get Kieran�s attention) �Kieran�s the sort of guy that would become a gynocologist just so he could feel that he was getting some� Katie Page 11 �You have little feet! They�re laughing me!� Belinda (To Kieran) �You�re like a leprechaun!� Belinda (To Kieran) �When�s Dian coming out?� Kim �Dian doesn�t need to come out � she�s perfect how she is� Kieran �Look � it�s Brandon Boyd naked� Kate �He�s only topless! He wouldn�t be naked�he�s got too much respect for his giant dick� Katie �Have you seen that movie about that kid who�s short?� Katie (Actually expecting an answer) �I heard that�uh�Helen Clark is the Prime Minister� Belinda (Her attempt at making conversation) �This doesn�t look much like a library� Harrison Ford �hehehehe� Dian (Quite randomly in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade � she kept finding things porn that weren�t porn, this being the best example) Page 12 �I had a dream that I was flying�but I don�t think it was a dream�I can fly!� Belinda �I touch myself� Kieran (Loudly, in the hall � he blamed it a Simpsons quote later) �I�ve got a tiny feet� Kieran �Sam did all this extra work for law�I was like, oh, you fucknuckle� Dian �Its cause I got gum and I feel bad� Belinda (On why she was being a bitch) �I have far too much snot� Dian �His hand is on the hilt of his gesture sword� Sam (On Harrison Ford � who was holding his hand out randomly like he was gesturing but�he wasn�t) �Can you smell what Julie Andrews is cooking?� Carly (On herself) �And so, wanking is immoral. Can we conclude you hate all boys?� Dian (Convincing Kieran that homophobia is wrong � this was her summing up of his argument) Page 13 �What if I said, �I�ve been in my room for the last two hours touching my own breast�?� Dian �I�d have NO problem with that� Kieran �Why would I know what a cr�che is? We all look after our own children in Matamata� Katie (After we all ridiculed her for not knowing what a cr�che was) �I got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6� that�s wrong�its seven anyway� Katie (Who thought that 1,2,3,4,5,6 added up to seven numbers) �There was a football called Dina�who went with a diner to the moon�you see?� Katie�s joke �Oh, so what movie did you guys end up seeing last night?� Emily �Oh yeah, it was called Daredevil� Miri (After seeing �The Life of David Gale� � we all seriously wondered if she was even awake in the movie) �I am the radio edit� Katie (Being a variation of the energy) Page 14 �That�s splendid. Lets shag!� Carly (Rewriting the Sound of Music�rather disturbing) �Creche sounds like it would be a�corner� Katie �Kate, that�s an unusual cr�che to put your magazines in� Emily (Making fun of poor poor Katie) �You�ve gotta admit, Tupperware is pretty cool�the little plastic containers�you get them and you�re like�heh heh� Emily (She may have been tired) �I met Edmund Hillary� Kate �What did he say?� Katie �I�m cold� Dian (Hmm) �Who was it waving at me before in the hall? Was it you?� Kieran �Was it God?� Belinda (She�s probably starting with the most likely possibility) �Have they clicked on that you�re a guy?� Carly to Katie Page 15 �They�re talking about boobs and genitals and stuff� Kate (On Carly, Kieran and Sam) �But there�s less than ONE girl in there!� Katie �Dian needs to redo my nails. Will one of you do it?� Kieran �Why would you want to redo them?� Katie �They look tatty� Kieran �I have a finger� Kieran (Trying to impress) �You�re more like an amoeba� Carly �What, just cause I don�t have any hard callusts� Kieran �Do dolphins turn into whales?� Kieran �Like they�d just leave a hospital lying around� Kieran (Watching The Frighteners � the best bit was when he tried to defend himself, by saying that the New Plymouth hospital was much cleaner�did I mention that this hospital was abandoned?) �I�ll fanny you!� Sam (His insult to Belinda) Page 16 �I�ve got your shirt�if you want it back, you have to come hug me, then marry me� Carly (Her planned conversation with Harrison Ford) �And we get to support our local team� Sam �But they�re not my local team� Carly �You live in Wellington� Sam �No, I live in Wellington� Carly (An effective argument) �Buy Final Fantasy Seven� Sam (His subliminal messages to Kieran � he�d just slip it in the conversation for about an hour�e.g.�Hey Kieran, what are you doing? Buy Final Fantasy Seven�) �Did you have horses?� Carly �No! You can�t have horses on a dairy farm!� Katie �Why not?� Carly �They�re�jumpy things� Katie �If only they hadn�t frowned on literacy in Matamata� Sam (To Katie) Page 17 �I had a library card�it was laminated and everything�it was pretty advanced� Katie (On living in Matamata) �Let�s get this room sorted and then we can snuggle � in a non-sexual manner� Carly �Awww� Sam (Disappointed�poor Sam) �Just cause I�m the comic relief doesn�t mean I don�t have feelings� Sam �Look at this huge bruise on my knee. What�s that from?� Carly ��maybe you have leukemia� Katie �We saw Hollow Man and Kevin Bacon like �presents himself� like four times� Kate �Ew� Carly �Yuck� Sam �Was he big?� Katie �It�s comic relief-ill� Sam (On his refill) Page 18 �Theres atheism, and then theres standing on a hilltop in a lightning storm, wearing a suit of armour and yelling �I hate God�� Sam (Paraphrasing someone else) �Stupid rubbish piece of arse� Katie (Her summary of �Ransom�) �The second guy was the first guys mother� Sam (On the �Scream� trilogy) �Kieran � what are you doing?� Sam �No, it�s what am I doing, I think� Kieran (Making a whole lot of sense�or not) �What would happen if you fell asleep watching Buffy at 5 am?� Sam �It�s ok, its on a tape, I could rewind it� Emily �Damn the puncturing� Emily (After playing with her knife) Page 19 �There were these German prisoners�and one of them�s American� Sam �He didn�t look better without it, he looked less worse� Bones (On Kieran�s facial hair) �If he chokes and dies, I swear I�ll laugh� Dian (About Sam) �Francis is my penis� Belinda �Well, what if there were groupies walking around naked on our tour bus?� Arsen �Why would they be naked on our bus?� Carly �Because I told them to� Arsen �Do I like ur corse?� Ryan�s attempt at conversation �If your name was Bobby Tuesday, wouldn�t you want to turn up for your tut?� Sam Page 20 �Pick a day of the week when we can�t hassle Matamata� Kate �Christmas!� Katie �It�s like liquid marijuana you pour out of a jug� Sam (On Pot Pourri) �She�s here for a Christian thing so I�m not gonna be hanging around her thing much� Katie (On her friend) �Do you think you have a bisexual streak?� Kate �What? Like in my hair?� Sam �And secondly I�wait, what was my second point again?� Miri (On burning pasta in the microwave) �The only thing that could possibly distract me from porn right now is food� Phillipa (While very very drunk) Page 21 �Olsen Twins porn! That�s my favourite kind of porn!� Phillipa �He�s taking old one-eye to the optometrist� Grumpy Old Man �I�d rather cancel the Pageant than have one of my girls blown up� Pageant Woman �Especially without their knowledge�.� Pageant Man (From Miss Congeniality) �We should get a dog, call it Flickout, then donate it to charity� Sam (This was when we stayed up till about 2am watching infomercials � and this weird rotating hairbrush was all about the �flick out� � which they said so fast it became one word. Then I said it would be a good name for a dog, and Sam got all excited) �You wouldn�t even have to get up�you could just use the merote� Katie (Or remote?) �That was SO conspicuous�wait, who was that?� Edmund �Stop not stop talking� Belinda �Why do you check on them every half hour? He�s fifteen, he�ll only last three seconds� Kate (Talking to Mum about 15yr old sister and her boyfriend) Page 22 �Thing A causes potato-experiences� Nick Smith�s Philosophy notes (This was seriously in our notes) �He has totally ruined my potato-experience by questioning it�s existence� Belinda (On the philosophy notes) �All right, suppose you go home and find a note in the fridge saying �You�re a brain in a vat��. Nick Smith (Philosophy lecture) �What if he asks us stuff and we�re like, �Awww�..you�re pretty�� Belinda (On the hot media lecturer) �I hate people� Belinda (Randomly) �And we missed the lecture, because I was at home vomiting� Lecturer (Tactless, obviously) Page 23 �Ideology�will affect the rest of your life� Kylie Message (Media Studies lecturer) �It�s the powdered pa-tah-two demon�just add water� Carly �I just submitted a picture of some grapes as my assignment� Emily �Hey! That�s the guy from that show�Al� Carly �You mean Alf?� Kate �Yeah! Al!� Carly �He does so much for her� Dian (On Spike�s affection for Buffy) �Yeah�and he�s so hot� Sam �I want that game!�What was it called?� Kate (Expecting an answer) �Has the fire alarm stopped?� Scandal (Like it wasn�t obvious) �We got a Rug Doctor�it was really scary�it kept looking at us� Bones Page 24 �Who needs false eyelashes when you can build them yourself?� Loreal Ad �Haha�she has fake boobs� Dian �It�s like a boob hunt� Carly (On watching �Fear Factor�) �Being hot has nothing to do with your age�unless of course you�re Harrison Ford, and then it�s just wrong� Dian �Going to McDonalds on account of hostel food being crap is like saying your own garbage smells and buying someone else�s garbage� Sam (Who hates McDonalds) �Ahhh�..fuckstick� Katie �Look at me, I�m flirting with death� Carly (Bouncing on Kim�s bed) �I don�t care about Karimojong age sets!! I just want my degree!� Katie Page 25 �When�s �Whale Rider� set?� Kate �New Zealand� Dian �No, WHEN is �Whale Rider� set?� Kate �Nowadays� Dian �Have you played the �Friends� board game?� Katie �Yes, and it sucks! No, wait, it IS good!� Kate �He�s not going to give away total power�it�s like, Scott giveth, Scott taketh away� Emily (On when Scott said �probably�) �This is good, yah�unt yummy� Hansel and Gretel cartoon �I haven�t done any exam for my exam today� Dian �I�ve got a thing for manners this week� Kate �Heh heh�you should go to Manners Mall� Sam (Sad one, dude) Page 26 �It looks like someone ate a poodle, and a lot of makeup, then vomited� Sam (On Courteney Love) (On a woman�s barbed wire tattoo) �Why would she have that? Maybe she has a phobia of cows� Carly �Away! Away, bovine! Away!� Emily �Seriously, when I was twelve, I thought Arnold Swazenegger was cute� Katie �Oh, you�re so cute�where�s your room?� Katie (Seriously � to Dylan, when very drunk) �Ew! She�s not supposed to do that!� Katie (On Melanie C�s new album) �What word begins with C, and is nasty, and is part of the female anatomy?� Carly �Carly!� Katie Page 27 �I�d hate to die from a jellybaby� Alana �Emma Boyd a college star�yeah, my peehaa� Alana (Looking through old school magazines) �Apart from Bushfire, I�m going to make this a guy unintoriated weekend� Alana (Sorry, what word was that?) �Can you imagine if someone made a movie with all the famous people in the world? Like in the crowd, it would be Nicole Kidman and poohaa bones and pork? If I ever become famous, my name will be poohaa bones and pork� Alana �Take that be-be inside� Save the Last Dance (This was so funny � we were all sitting around watching it and for some odd reason the guy adopted this accent where the word �baby� came out �bebe�. For two whole weeks, me, Alana and Bushfire said it every ten seconds just for shits and giggles) �If you get into my seat, I will firmly plant you�in a pot� Alana (To Bushfire � some sort of threat I believe) Page 28 �Your family is actually quite good looking�oh, except for you� Hayley (To Alana) �This game is scintillating�I�m getting aroused� Hayley (On playing Blackjack) �Man, you look like a black pudding� Alana (To a black guy on TV) �How can he be a comedian? He doesn�t look like one� Alana (On a comedian�surprisingly) �They�re so big you could divide them into seven continents� Alana (On black people�s lips) �She�s tooken them away from me� Emma �Thankyou� McDonalds girl �What a frickin whore!� Emma �That�s Andii�s sister� Kate �Oh�hey!� Emma (Good cover...or not) Page 29 �That old man is following us� Kate �He only likes you cause you have chicken mousse� Emma �I don�t have any chicken mousse� Kate �He said that if you didn�t have any chicken mousse, he didn�t know what the world was coming to� Emma �A chicken mousseless one� Kate �He said that if you didn�t have any chicken mousse, then he isn�t Scottish�and I was like, �Are you Scottish?� And he was like �Well that depends on if she has any chicken mousse�. So then I ran to the hills.� Emma �What religion teaches the writings of Mohammed?� Carly �Indian!� Belinda �If I sweat blood then I�ll laugh� Belinda Page 30 �This week is not a Nana week. I�m gonna be a party�Nana� Belinda �Its like, did Buffy throw up on your wall?� Katie (Remarking on the many Buffy posters on the wall) �I think it�s disgusting the way humans treat animals�I think�wait, what do I think?�oh yeah!� Miri (When drunk) �Which Bob received an honorary award�� Carly �Bob the Builder!� Katie ��in 1952 for his contributions to comedy?� Carly ��Bob Saget?� Katie �To the nearest hour how long does �The Apartment� run for?� Sam �Oh! An hour and a half!� Katie Page 31 �Which poet�s life is shown in Tom & Viv?� Kate �Vivian McNoogle? Tom Cruise?� Katie �What is the name of Macaulay Culkin�s character in Home Alone?� Carly �Oh! Pevin!� Katie ��Pevin?� Carly �Shut up! I got dislexitilised!� Katie �What am I? Like, the gay legend of men?� Carly (After we kept making fun of her for turning her boyfriend Gilbert gay) �Wow�my nipple really doesn�t like me� Dian (We were smart enough not to ask, �What?�) �Duuude, check out how multi-faceated her hair is� Kate (This ad on TV for some shampoo was trying to imply that men are going to be more attracted to hair that is super-shiny. Hmm.) �They�re like me! �oh, wait, no they�re not� Carly (On these awful blonde bimbo types on TV � but there was no sarcasm, she genuinely got confused) Page 32 �Well its old�that makes it a classic doesn�t it?� Mum (On the Rocky Horror Picture Show) �I really wanna stand on it�s head�just to see what would happen� Dian (This is either about a pigeon or a seagull � depending on who you talk to � but it was VERY scary) �Nurofen�it�s like the heroin of the drug world� Carly (Absolute tard. Completely forgetting that both Nurofen AND heroin are BOTH drugs. What�s worse is that it took her about five minutes to realise) �Katie, are you coming home with us? We�re leaving at one� Dian �One o�clock sounds good� Katie �That�s in twenty minutes� Dian �Oh�what time is it?� Katie �I wanna be a judge. Being a judge would be SO cruisy�but I guess you�d have to know the laws and stuff� Dian Page 33 �Oh�was it statutory or mandatory rape?� Dian (Mandatory? What?) �Just cause�you�ve had your dinner�and�you�re wearing a fireman�s hat�doesn�t make you king of the world� Emily (Her grumbles) (on a hot police officer) �I wouldn�t mind if he kept me in for some further questioning� Emily �Oh, and one of those full body cavity searches, of course� Kate ��.Naturally� Emily (Watching Final Destination 2) �You know, Dian does have herpes�.everywhere� Kate �If she was wearing my breasts, she wouldn�t be attractive� Sam (In a strange conversation that still haunts me�something about having sex with someone wearing your boobs) Page 34 �Hey, what�s up?� Carly �Good�what?� Emily (On whether Sam would sleep with someone who was almost dead) �I�d need a stiff drink� Sam �Or a drink to make it stiff� Kate ��and a moment to address the situation� Sam �You mean undress the situation� Dian (Me and Dian following the tradition of making everything porn for shits and giggles) �Would you sleep with a guy with your breasts?� Sam �I don�t know�maybe�they�re pretty good� Dian �That�s a special kind of vanity� Sam �I don�t have a lot of sex so my imagination is impaired� Carly Page 35 �I feel like one of those icecreams that�s actually yoghurt, you know?� Kate �A frozen yoghurt?� Sam �Almost!�.Yes!� Kate �Isn�t August pretty?� Dian (On her calendar) �Yeah�the bush is cool�I like the bush� Sam (Stupid boy making porn allusions to Dian) (extended thoughtful look) �Pepper�.there is so much�.pepper�.in the air� Kieran (Randomly in the dining room) �He�s funny�we should go� Carly (On a comedian) �It�s in like three days� Sam �So? We�ll be here in three days� Carly �No�.� Sam (Lying blatantly now to get himself out of the situation) �Why not?� Carly ��I don�t know� Sam (Arguing with Carly just for something to do) Page 36 �We are your porn suppliers� Kate �Before you do something with a person, you have to do it with a monkey� Kate �I didn�t like any of the mouses, I liked Mickey Mouse� Kate �It�s sport, therefore it�s crappy. It�s rugby, therefore it�s rugby� Kate �How do you make your doody stuff more�the power� Kate (Playing Scorched Earth) �Food now. Bye.� Sam (On the phone � we knocked on his door and this is what he said to the person on the other end) �Nobody in their right mind would have an erect penis and use it at the same time as a fishing rod� Media Lecturer Page 37 �I�ve just been sort of�what�s the word, I need a good word�� Emily �Pie!� Dian �Yes, I�ve just been sort of�pie� Emily �Stay away from my boyfriend!� Dian (To Sam) �No! You stay away from my boyfriend!� Sam (Poor Sam couldn�t come up with a comeback in time so he thought this would do) �Try to think of how many times you�ve seen a half-man half-prawn� Media Lecturer �What happens is when women get too old to offer their bodies, they offer food� Media Lecturer (Priceless wisdom) Page 38 �This ad is about testicular cancer�now, you cannot be too young to have testicular cancer. The way it is detected is by feeling for changes in the testes�it�s ok, I�m a nurse� Media Lecturer (Perhaps picking an odd time to bring up testicular cancer � to a full lecture theater. She continued talking about this for the next five minutes) �She could turn a child and a mother holding hands, wearing large raincoats, into an orgy� Sam (On Dian) �Buffy is better than Citizen Kane� Dian �I don�t know about you guys, but when I see boobs I think of me� Dian �You�re gonna grow up and make horse manure for a living� Alana Page 39 �Well then he couldn�t sue you� Emma (On why she�d have sex with a dead celebrity) �Guess an Australian movie�� Kate �Meaty Might!� Emma �T. A. R. D.� Kate �What does that mean?� Alana �Spell it� Kate �What?�(pause) �.tardy?� Alana �It�s weird how there are three types of movies�ones set in the future, ones in the present time, and ones in the past like Jack the Ripper�hmm� Alana (Being philosophical � but not while drunk) �Imagine running�then times it by a lot� Emma (Her analysis of her netball game) Page 40 �Dog poo doesn�t have feelings, its pooed out poo� Alana (On why she wants to BE dog poo) �My mouth is like a blimin salt and pepper mill� Alana �She�s quite pretty in an unpretty way� Hayley (On Elizabeth Hurley) �You�re the Diet Coke of evil� Dr Evil �You�re the�vanilla coke�of happiness� Alana (She had been drinking, she has an excuse) �Cass was worried by Aussie at me� Alana (While drunk) �You can see his nipple-I� Alana (I think that�s her plural form of nipple � obviously �nipples� was far too easy, or something) �Can I get a taxi to town�Bushfire�yeah, that�s her name�thanks� Alana (Alana on the phone to the taxi people) Page 41 �I got this PH balance stuff for my skin or whatever�it turns my skin into a crusty tomato� Alana �I know you�re right but it sucks the big one. Stupid Bushfire� Alana (Randomly, when Bushfire was not in the house, or even involved in the situation at all) �You�re a shithead�you eat shit�I eat shit for you�Miss Bonafonte� Alana (I really can�t figure out if this is meant to be insulting or not) �Aww�the little Maoris are falling in love� Bushfire (Watching TV) �I�m being reasonable� Dian �You�re not being reasonable. I�ll kill both of you.� Kate Page 42 �Friday the seventeenth�eighteenth�thirteenth� Kate (I couldn�t remember the name of the movie) �Don�t ask me any questions that require an answer� Carly (When tired) (Sam falls over) �Ow! Find me an animal to have sex with!� Sam (After a discussion on how people saying �bugger� after a bad incident is like saying �find me an animal to have sex with� � which is odd.) �Carly! Lubrication!� Kate (Trying to scare her) �What? Like for saxophones? I hear lubrication, I think cork grease. You know, you put it round the head joint?� Carly (Dian had a field day�both �cork� and �head joint� in the same sentence) �Do you want edible undies?� Kate (Trying to find Carly a suitable birthday present) �Can�t you just get me a loaf of bread?� Carly �No sex for Sam�the kitchen is closed� Dian Page 43 �I know the rules, I just need you to run them over me again� Dian (In a particularly retarded moment) She stripped in fifth form! Goodness!� Carly (Reading Kerryn�s survey, and reacting like a fifty year old) �Sweet fanny adams!� Sam (On winning a hand of poker) �The great thing about John Ritter is that you could knock on his door and he�d be waiting for you� Carly (A tad insensitive, being that she said it the day of his death, but it was still pretty funny) �Sam has very attractive thigh�is that a thigh?� Carly (After copping a feel�she claims it was accidental, but we all know better) �Wouldn�t that be a funny side effect of being the Slayer? That you grew a penis at the age of 20?� Kate (I was just thinking out loud, which was probably not a good idea) �I say a throttling is perfectly acceptable to be hit on the knee!� Carly (What?) Page 44 �It�s a violation of democratic rights�or some shit� Sam (His protest on the Maori electoral roll) �Guess what�no!�Shh!!� Emily (When we were at dinner � I responded at no point to any of this, so it was a bit weird) �President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated on April 14, 1865. He died the following morning� Alison Rosec (Bad bad movie reviewer) �I�m fully partially racist� Dian �You are blooding� Bad subtitles in �Peppermint Candy� �And then we�ll study some stupid New Zealand composer like�John Ritter� Carly (I don�t know what�s wrong with her, seriously I don�t) �It�s almost like a back massage in a roundabout fashion�that hurts� Kate (When Carly was leaning on my shoulders) �This room is so�not much room� Sam (When the room was messy) Page 45 �Well it was two in the morning, which is three in the morning�� Sam (Obviously confused about something) �I told him to stop acting creepy at me and my friend� Carly (On a scary guy) �Isn�t Norway quite far away from Sweden?� Carly �No, actually they share a border � a very long border� Sam �Well then why would they need a bridge to Sweden?� Carly �We were talking about Denmark� Sam Page 46 �Does she throw a plate? People always throw plates when they�re upset� Kate �No�but she has big teeth� Carly (On Buffy) �Yeah. It�s about the stuff and the things. There�s a temple�� Kate (On Tabernacles) �I don�t like Sarah Michelle Gellar� Kate ��That came out of nowhere� Carly �Well, normally I�d be upset by all of this, but she�s just irritating me� Kate �It wouldn�t be that hard to get out of�slip the ropes off and go! She�s standing there like a big tit� Carly (On Dawn in �The Gift�) Page 47 �I�m really looking forward to going to the movies tomorrow� Bones �Yeah!� Kate �Me too!� Bones �Cause we all know how bad American beer is don�t we�actually, none of us have a clue� Sam �Maybe you could come over this weekend� Bob Digital �I think not� Dian �Why not? I�ll be kind� Bob Digital �I don�t care, I don�t like you� Dian (To a friend online) �Theft�is that how you spell thief?� Dian �Bones�your lunch is making me uncomfortable�can we go?� Sam (At lunch in the hostel) Page 48 �I�m not laughing at you, I�m laughing at the situation. It�s like the odd couple�if the odd couple were anything like this� Carly �Carly, come and have breakfast and stop being such a penis� Kate (My powers of persuasion) �Oh, Vic House is on fire again, lets just take the car� Kate (Being a fireman � they�ve been called out a billion times and there�s never a fire) �Aw, wasn�t that the cutest?� Carly �Aw, yes. Of course, he�s not good looking enough, so he�s going to have to die� Kate (On a guy in Buffy) (Kate throws cards at Carly) �Hey, at least I�m not being harrassed by cards�wait, I am� Carly (Not being sarcastic�just confused) �I can�t believe that she was like�I�m naked, let�s draw! Even if it is 1912� Carly (On �Titanic�) Page 49 ��WHAT?� Kate �I didn�t say anything� Carly �He�s being pensive! It�s cute� Kate (On an Edward Norton screensaver) �You never wear it. It�s like you�re a guy in drag or something� Kate (On Carly wearing makeup) �I don�t think the comparison is a great one� Sam ��What? Harrison? What?� Carly (Always has Harrison on the brain�) �You�re married to Athina Onassis and the best you can come up with is The Sam House?� Carly (We were all planning out the rest of our lives � where Sam gets married to Athina Onassis and opens a clothes store. We were all excited � talking about all the fancy designer clothes he can sell � when he said he only wanted to sell cheap stuff. Then, to make him change his mind, everyone took it to mean he was opening up a Warehouse � Carly called it �The Sam House�, and then berated him for coming up with such a stupid name. This led on to songs, Billy Bob kicking small dogs�) �I�m going to open up a store called �Mine is Better than Sam�s�and we sell expensive shirts�� Carly (Still trying to change Sam�s mind) Page 50 �Yeah! Sam�s got my back, nigga� Carly (No idea. She�s insane.) �I really hate Justin Timberlake�every time I see him I just want to�spit� Dian �Why is Sam buying Lesbos?� Sam �Because that�s where my family�s from� Carly �And because it sounds like lesbian� Kate ��Neat� Emily (Sam is buying Lesbos when he marries Athina) �What if she�s a lesbian?� Kate (On Athina Onassis) �Ooh, that could be a problem. Oh, no it won�t � it�s Sam� Carly (What does this say about Sam? Let�s not ask) �Hey� Carly (All porn) �What the hell?� Kate �What? I�m Italian!� Carly Page 51 �She�s kind of like Carly, except blonde and different� Dian (On Ellen DeGeneres) �You�ve planted seeds of doubt in my mind! Horrible, fast-growing seeds!� Emily (About Joyce and Faith on Buffy) �Ok, this is how much I want to decide�none� Emma �Your penis could be mistaken for a vagina�an ugly one. Just like your FACE� Emma �Lets build a place and call it�like�Kate and Emma treehut� Emma �Ta da! As good as new�except broken� Emma �What�s Meg short for? Megalynn?� Emma (On Meg Ryan) Page 52 �That old guy � don�t you recognise him? He does something weird with his eyes, opens them big, as if to say oooooh!� Emma (She�s weird man) �Wouldn�t it suck if I had chickens feet? Y�know how they hang? Then I�d have to walk on my toes� Alana �Maybe its metaphorical � like the road of his brains. Whats peditition?� Emma (On Road to Perdition) �Come to bed� Anne (on Shortland Street) �I want to have your brown, Maori poo babies�they can swim in the river of shit� Alana (Um�) Page 53 �Why do you need a partner? To fulfill your needs? That�s bollocks. The whole world can just kill my ass� Alana (She�s special) �Why don�t people just stay partners and not get married? It�d reduce the population and we could get rid of all the Indians�and the Asians�I need another beer� Alana (If this is the youth of New Zealand�we are in some serious trouble) �This store smells like people�smelly people� Bridget (A very astute observation) �I think she�d be fun to slap� Emma (On Meg Ryan � what is her fascination with her?) �NO FUCKING WAY� Bushfire (This was SO embarrassing. Me and Bushfire had just been shopping at The Warehouse, and we are heading down to Cameron Road, and this van pulls out a little bit ahead of us. Bushfire doesn�t want to slow down to let them go first, so instead she shoves her foot to the floor and starts screaming �No Fucking Way�. This is when I notice that the van is FILLED with sinister looking Maori people. Bushfire noticed too, yet still continues to scream, and then ride her horn. I almost died.) Page 54 �If the camera added ten more pounds, he�d be a fucking buffalo, no, better yet, if the camera didn�t add ten pounds, he�d still be a fucking buffalo� Emma (On Victor from Shortland Street � the odd thing is, he�s not even fat, or even cuddly. She must have been having a bad day) �She�s porn in like a �I�ve got pizza and beer� kind of way, which is the worst way� Emma (When Jessie on Shortland Street offered Nelson some pizza and beer) �You recognised him from the stalkingment� Emma (When I said that the plumber scared me, and she couldn�t just say �Ok�, she had to make up a story about how I must have been stalking him and was scared when he turned up because of that. To add insult to injury, stalkingment isn�t even a word, or even close to a real word) �So all in all, there were two bits of toast� Emma (Her summing up the entire episode of Shortland Street�and the horrible thing was that this story about the toast had taken her over ten minutes) Page 55 �You know the black dude? Mata?� Emma (She�s talking about Shortland Street again � why is it that she is funniest when talking about Shortland Street? And there is no Mata, she means Tama) �Shakespeare was gay. You know? He liked a bit of fruit in his cookie� Emma �So when Joey told Pacey that she had feelings for him of a hicular nature, what DID he do?� Emma (Hicular?? Pardon?) �What do you mean, what�s hicular? It�s like, I don�t like you, without a hicular fashion. Go, use it in a sentence� Emma (I swear I�m not related to her) �You wanna marry him don�t you?� Kate (On John C. Reilly) �Wouldn�t say no if he asked� Emma Page 56 �What�s a good taxi company?� Kate �Tell me the name of a company and I�ll tell you if they�re good� Sam �City Cabs� Kate �Dunno� Sam (He�s a fountain of information, he is) �I don�t know what �arse� actually tastes like�� Sam �It�s more a concept than an actual flavour� Kate (Discussing some bad food) �Um, do you think we�ve got enough lettuce?� Kate (Sarcastically) �It will be less once we�ve used it� Katie (Clever!) �Why were you toasting corn thins at 11.30pm?� Kate �I had a cold!� Carly (I don�t even want to ask questions about this one) Page 57 �Hey did you get new pants? I�m scared� Carly (Apparently it scares her that Sam has pants without holes in them � it is a bit weird I guess) �No! I feel like a paedofile!� Katie (When we asked her to check the gender of Mr. Trouble � one of the cats that visit us) �I�m Julia Roberts! Take my tray!� Carly (We were watching �My Best Friend�s Wedding� and I said how convienient it was that there was a props person handy to take Julia Roberts� tray � meaning that she couldn�t really hold the tray whilst talking to some dude onscreen. But Carly thought I meant that she was being rather diva-ish, demanding that she not carry a tray. Then she got really worked up about it, which was odd and rather unsettling to be perfectly honest) �I�m sorry I can�t fight you, I�m getting my groove on� Carly (being Missy Elliot � who started off the video clip like it was a scene out of Kill Bill, then just sort of stopped) �Hang on�no, don�t delete Katie!�Aw crap� Katie (Playing with Sam�s phone) �The loudest thing you can do at the Oscars is�you don�t� Kate (We were all saying what we would wear to the Oscars. Sam wanted to make some sort of statement by dressing like crap a la Peter Jackson. But you can�t do that to the Oscars) �What�s your hand ankle?� Kate (I couldn�t remember the word �wrist� � I�d been thinking about it for about ten minutes and had to ask someone) Page 58 �Why don�t people realise that the Aliens are only going to destroy the White House? They still flee, flee from their homes�I think some people have an ego problem� Bones (Watching Independence Day, I think, or something similar) �I want to join a bowling team� Kate �We should make our own� Emma �What, and call it�Kate and Emma�s Bowling Team?� Kate �Can I be in it?� Emma �Yes. The boy cheese omelette� Emma (The only thing she can say in French � so she wanders around saying this and people think she�s clever) �You smell weird�you smell like a goat� Katie (To Styx) Page 59 �Woman! I can�t stop thinking about you, the way the sunlight bounces off your tiny little head� Emma �I get freaked out putting the toilet duck on. You think I could have sex with a dog?� Bones (This conversation started out innocent�) �What was the American dream?� Kate (Doing an essay for Film) �The desire to be�job� Katie (Feeling a bit tired, I think) �Get off your asses and go get a job, instead of sitting in your fucking McDonalds marae� Alana (Getting quite vocal when watching New Zealand Idol) �Why doesn�t someone invent heating devices for your hands?� Emma (Er�gloves?) �You know how some people look different and then they change?� Kate (Me and Emma were on our second Squishy) Page 60 �Old grey mare she ain�t what she used to be�earl-ie in the morning� Kate �That�s not the song� Emma �How do you know? Have you ever heard the whole thing?� Kate �Yes! I got this album of�hits from like�an era� Emma (Looking at the poster for Intolerable Cruelty) �Catherine Zeta Jones is looking at me � it�s like she�s trying to seduce me and I don�t know why� Emma �Haha! I get George Clooney!� Kate �Lucky�I get stuck with this stupid tramp� Emma �You put new meaning to the word fecal� Emma (To Quasi on a particularly smelly day) Page 61 �Where does Nick live?� Emma �Wadestown� Kate �Oh�that�s not Marsden� Emma �Yeah�� Kate �It�s neat learning about geography� Emma �Ew�when you look at his face you think about his balls� Katie (On Sam Neill in Sleeping Dogs when he had a beard) (In the library) �How much is photocopying?� Emma �Just write it down� Kate �It takes too long. My arm doesn�t want to move� Emma (Watching New Zealand Idol Ad) �Are you going to vote?� Bones �No!� Kate �Me neither� Bones �Well, I might� Kate �Yeah�maybe� Bones Page 62 �She�s Asian. She doesn�t represent anything� Katie (Watching the Maggi ad) �I thought I saw you today, but it was an Asian boy�who didn�t look anything like you� Kate (To Katie, while drinking rum) �The human body will never look good naked� Katie �Well, what does then?� Kate �Cats� Katie (A valid lifestyle choice�) �I�m too tired to be quoted� Katie �They taste like failure� Sam (On the Tim Tams) �It�s like I�m swimming in my neck� Katie (On Kate�s art) Page 63 �Ew! I clicked on �Bass Wars� and it brought up stuff about�female touching� Carly (Having trouble with the internet) �It might as well be Russia!� Bones (On CleanFlicks editing out the bad parts of movies) �Yay! You�re like McGyver! Only not a boy and not on TV and stuff and you didn�t use a Swiss Army Knife� Dian (On Kate fixing her TV aerial) �Emily misses London� Kate �Buy her a hat. Hats always make people miss London less� Emma (After this they made a club � People Who Know That Hats Make You Miss London Less, or PWKTHMYMLL. Not very catchy, but oh well) �I got invited to that world something tomorrow moive but I ain�t gonna go cos yeah� Hayley (Her English skills online) Page 64 �It doesn�t make me na�ve, it just makes me non-knowledgable� Katie (Er�is there much of a difference?) (Bones starts winning at cards) �Oooh! The balance of power has shifted�� Sam �Something about Mordor!� Kate (I�m kinda embarrassed about this one � we were all drinking and for some reason my ONE premix was getting to me�I was trying to quote Orlando Bloom from the third Lord of the Rings movie, or something. I have no idea what I was trying to say, in hindsight) �I thought that was a dildo�but it was Keira Knightley. How can you get a dildo and Keira Knightley confused?� Kate (Looking for freebies online � seriously, she looked just like a dildo) �Natasha Gregson Wager�that�s a bit of a mouthful�shall we just call her Tash-Greg?� Bones �I picked the champagne filled Porsche�but I was very tempted by Playboy and Bob Saget� Sam (To be fair, taken a little out of context�but isn�t it funnier this way? It was a poll about what the Olsen Twins did for their 18th birthday. It makes sense if you read the poll, but lets not, and pretend that Sam really wants Bob Saget) |
