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Page 3 �I thought that was a person� Alana (On a very offensive swearword) �It�s like, nobody cares what Wellington does with their poos� Marky �That�s going to be my name when I succeed in music: Jellymeat Milson� Alana (A tribute to Meat Loaf) �But when it comes to flies, who can resist: The Tongue. Kathwacka� Emma Ar �I�m Peppy. Peppy Gonzalas� Steph �You don�t just slap people for being impregnated by Jason� Steph (She told me she was pregnant to Jason and I slapped her � it was meant to be pretend but I got over excited and actually slapped her) �You make me sick, I wish you were a candlestick� Emma Ar (Her alternative lyrics) Page 4 �Bang� �What was that noise?� Kate �The door slammed shut and then the wall fell off� Emma Ar �Cherry ripe?� Kim �My ass is like two cakes of sulfur gone wrong� Kim �Give or so a take� Becca �This isn�t the Bay, it can�t hop over here� Becca (In Hamilton � she saw the Bay Hopper buses driving around) �Hello there elbow� Kim �Morphine, Morphine� Becca �Do they kill the cat?� Andii �Shhh don�t ruin it!� Kim (On an awful poem in English) �Ohh I put my tooth in my lipstick� Becca �I�m on Prozac cause I haven�t got an envelope� Bexsa (On her phone) �And then I turned around and had sex with the shark� Alana (On FHM and Ralph � that have stories about shark attacks and stuff interspersed with the nudity. This was her explanation of why) Page 5 �Ew I hate extra plastic it�s all�extra� Becca (On her deformed Coke bottle) �Mummy Mummy I got gay burger king again� Becca (This explanation will have to be a long one! When you can win the stuff off the coke bottles by texting the code, everyone complains when they get the Burger King upsize free. Becca said �Damn I always get gay burger king� and then all of a sudden I got this image in my head of these two gay hamburgers, going hard. So I have these little hamburgers, with legs and faces, having sex doggy style (if there could be any other style for hamburgers) in my head, and I started laughing so hard I almost choked, then Becca starting laughing because I was. Then when I told her why I was laughing she laughed harder � she had French Fries in her head, all dancing around being gay. Then she said �Wouldn�t it be funny if this little kid got his burger king Kids Meal in the bag, and opened it and all the food was having it off� and then she said the quote) �I�m going to throw my bag at people� Becca (Another long explanation coming up � Alana was talking about how her Nana thought in the future instead of going to the toilet, everyone would have this bag in their stomach, and you would unzip your stomach, pull out your bag, and empty it. Of course it would be easier to just GO to the toilet, but whatever. Anyway, Becca thought it would be funny to throw your bag at people. Then we had a discussion on how someone could go on �toilet runs� and take everyones bag for them and empty it) �When Farthing and I were doing it�� Mr Kirkby (This wasn�t what you think it is, but I wasn�t listening in the first place and only heard this ew) �Now you do it with your left hand� Rozie (Another thing I wasn�t listening to the beginning) �Don�t lose these, they are your passport to knowledge� Mr Dixon (Handing out sheets) �That�s lovely you�.you�.good ones� Mrs Robertson (To me and Andii � um, aren�t you meant to be an English teacher or something? And know more adjectives than good ones?) �Why can�t I just have a normal face?� Kate �If it wasn�t so different it would be exactly the same� Bex �He�s a baby, he can�t even talk yet, but he knows how to hump my cat� Bex (on her nephew) Page 6 �Don�t spend all of your money in the same store!� Steph (At work, when you give a customer only five cents back, it�s a way to fill the silence by saying �Don�t spend all of it at once!�. Steph tried it but got it all wrong and was met with a very strange look) �You�re not supposed to have compassion when it comes to gardening� Steph (I worry how she talks to customers) �I�ve got titties, you wanna see?� Andii �I�ll just fill up the jug!� Bex (This quote is REALLY irratating because we wrote it down as being disgusting, but then completely forgot the meaning) �Somebody�s walking home and it�s not Bushfire� Alana (It actually was Bushfire but Alana�s confused words got) �You have chocolate there. I�d wipe it off but it would be inappropriate� Alana �What does this have to do with automotive? Or elevators?� Alana �Is it getting brighter in here?� Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nong (Completely creepy � we turned the TV on and it was really dark, so we were making it brighter and this guy on the screen says this) Page 7 �It�s thingy was dragging on the ground�I think�it was�.a�.boy� Alana �Television, oh I mean attendance� Mrs Robertson (Easy to get the two things confused, they are quite similar. Oh that�s right, they�re not) �Can�t find your turban?� Bex �I get bored doing it normal all the time� Kim �I think I have the abilites to be�� Kim �Mrs College!� Alana �Sorry I wasn�t listening, I was looking for another Mister� Amy (Over at the mount there are three (that we could find) businesses that start with Mr � as in Mr Computer, Mr Shelf etc) �Go back to Fathead Villa� Alana (To Amy a.k.a. Fathead) �AWAY from the mount� Bridget, Kate, Amy (We were lost and trying to walk back home from the mount � so we thought walk away from the mount and we�d get there) �You know, when you�ve got a good thing going�.stop it� Debra (Talking about Steve�s mullet) Page 8 �Let�s play guess what�s in the uterus� Kim (On Andii) �I think I need some ice� Hayley (After she moves all the bed-slats on a bunk bed, so Bushfire�s weight made the rest fall off onto Hayley, in a huge scandal) �Police Forces Didn�t Big Skyscrapers Dancing� Kate, Leea, Bushfire, Hayley (Playing the game where each person puts in one word to a sentence � we�d been going about an hour and brains stopped working) �I think I�ve got sand in my clitoris. Something�s grainy� Hayley (WAYYY too much info) �I have clusters of sand around my nipples� Hayley (Again, WAY too much info) �Waipuna Hospice�heavy traffic so give way�Waipuna Hospice� Kim (A little ditty she made up) �If you think about it, Jason would actually be a really pretty girl� Steph �Let�s go plant a tree and live off the proceeds� Kate Page 9 �Just for when you feel lonely and you wanna talk to an egg� Debra (She had a white plastic egg and I asked what it was for) �I�ve got a carbunkle on my bottom� Mum (What is with people feeling that they need to share?) �She�s got indicators � and they�re not the sort to give directions� Kim (Watching Species) �Could she wear a bra? HELLO!� Kate �Hurry up and get abused� Becca (Watching Death and the Maiden � if Sigourney Weaver/Ze Journey Beaver got sexually abused, we thought we might get to see Ben Kingsley naked) �Ooh look! She might get abused!� Kim �Does she not have top teeth?� Becca (On Ze Journey Beaver) �Ew her boobs are like racoons� Becca (On Ze Journey Beaver) �Like Ze Journey Beaver! Did you see her wet patch? She obviously wasn�t wearing her depend� Becca (ZJB had a shadow on her and it looked like she had a wet patch) Page 10 �We can have another sip because Ben Kingsley will be smiling in heaven� Kate (Playing drinking game � if he smiled we could have a sip, but he was dead) �Your face reminds me of a pair of bibpant� Kim and Becca �Oh my God you�re recalling things! Quick! Kill more braincells!� Kim �Erotica Trellis and the Trellis Tribe of Bibpant� Kim �Hoh hoh hoh hoh, bibpant alive, bibpant alive� Kate (To tune of Staying Alive) �More than a bibpant�more than a bibpant to me� Kim (To tune of More than a Woman) �Believe it or not, I�m wearing bibpant� Kim �Linders Schist� Becca (Schindler�s List) �Who wants clever wit?� Kate �Pascali�s Turtle Island� Becca (A mix of two of Ben Kingsley�s movies � Pascali�s Island and Turtle Diary) Page 11 �Fuck carrying it!� Bex � I thought you said Fuck Harriet� Kate �I probably did� Becca (We were going to steal the outdoor seat from down at Cherrywood) �You have an aura of golden King�.sley� Kim �They drove too fast and got pulled up by a cop. Is everyone down with the 411?� Kate (Watching Dave) �Who�s FDR?� Kate �Fred Diddle Racer� Bex �King Bensley� Becca �I demand retribution in the form of bibpant, yah� Kim (When we were planning on calling people to talk to them, this was the opening line) �Mind your bibpant around the children� Bex �Did you pant in the bib?� Bex �Ben Kingsley is a Jewish� Kate Page 12 �Hey that looks like my uncle�s supermarket consultant� Kim �Becca is the obsessed one, I merely encourage the addiction� Kate �I fell over� Bex (On playing a drinking game) �He�s the object of my affection� Bex �The object of my erection� Kate �Look at the three stooges� Kim (On some jellybeans with no colour left on them, in the bottom of our bottle of vodka) �It�s a three, the zombie will return� Woman in Green � Dave �It�s my mission to have red stuff up my nose� Bex �I collect menstrual swabs for a living. What do you do?� Becca (On Species � a woman collected a menstrual swab and TOOK IT HOME) Page 13 �I�ve had vodka�you know what that means�.my name is Erotica Trellis and I HAVE NO PANTS� Kate (Yelled it when we were walking back from Cherrywood � to passing cars) �What kind of a sadistic son of a bitch are you?� Man �He said sadistic!� Bex �And I�m sure he�s a physician of some kind� Kim (Watching The Assignment, after our Death and the Maiden experience with sadistical physicianers) �The beauty of the trellis is the symmatritism� Kim (Um..symmetry? Lay of the vodka I think) �Or like a opossum crawled onto his head and died� Becca (On Ben Kingsley�s hat in the Assignment) �Don�t pass Bushfire, don�t collect go� Kim (I have absolutely no idea where this came from) �What is a focus puller?� Kim �What is a fois puller?� Becca �Can I play with your fois?� Kim �I speak no English sorry fois puller yah� Becca (On the Focus Puller in Death and the Maiden) Page 14 �Is that Ben in the corner? I see ears!� Becca (On his first appearance in The Assignment) �He�s a secret Irally� Kim (Ben�s role in The Assignment) �Is this your most valid possession?� Kim (On a banana box. I think she meant valued possibly) �Is sort of reminds me of a raisin� Becca (On the word cunt � this image comes to mind � perhaps because it�s like currant) �Do you want to hear the charges?� Sigourney Weaver �Sadistical physicianing?� Becca �I don�t want to chop off my own thumb� Kate �I mean, Diet Coke, Vodka and Ben Kingsley � could you GET any better?� Becca �My wife took your car� Man �She�s going on Ze Journey� Becca (Ze Journey Beaver had taken this guy�s car, and this was Becca�s explanation) �Ze Journey has ended� Becca (This was the funniest � Ze Journey took the guys car and crashed it through a barrier � then pushed it over a cliff and watched it slowly sink, then walked away. Becca turned away from the screen and said this all dejected) �Sadistic physician� Kim, Kate, Bex (On Ben Kingsley) �She�s using cloth from her pubical region� Kim (When Ze Journey took her underwear off and stuffed them in Ben�s mouth) Page 15 �I THOUGHT YOU�D BE BIGGER� Sigourney Weaver (OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE SAID THAT) �She�s got very multi-purpose breasts, hasn�t she� Kim �I had a really good theory about the movie �Carrie� yesterday � but it was all ruined because the girls name was Sue� Kate �Diddle who on a collie� Bex (Instead of Tonino Delli Colli, Director of Photography, Death and the Maiden) �Ya? Ze Journey to Brassiere?� Kim (Ze Journey wasn�t wearing a bra) �She�s like a braless freak who eats her dinner in the cupboard� Becca (On Ze Journey Beaver) �Please sit down� Man �You beauty!� Becca (If Ben Kingsley sat down we got a sip of alcohol � yay!) �Woah my foot stopped working� Kate (The effects of alcohol) Page 16 ��and sexual abuse� Kate �Yes!!� Kim and Becca (I was reading the sypnosis for Death and the Maiden aloud � if sexual abuse was on the menu, Ben might be naked) �I�m sure it�s quite fine doing what it does best� Kim (Another mystery quote � I�m sure it�s about a body part of some kind but I�m not sure what, or why) �It�s like Woodstock but not� Kim (On the quote book) �He�s an orange haired freckled God� Kim (On Eric Stoltz) �Give me something I can use� Ben (If he used something we could take a sip � how fortunate) �Can you have a drink before we go in case we run out of petrol?� Becca (If cars ran on urine instead of petrol) �No seriously � you touch it and bits of your finger fall off� Kate (On the soap at Mitre 10 � heavy duty stuff for the �Men� in hardware and the garden people) �19 year olds�� Kate ��Don�t talk like that! They don�t go into chatrooms and say wid!� Becca (In Cool Teen Chat � someone was saying he was 19 and he kept saying Wid � we figured he must have been about 12) Page 17 �So I went into Mitre 10, and I�m like, why are there Buddhist monks everywhere? And why are there none on my pizza?� Alana (A great interpretation of Kim�s famous anchovy joke) �I couldn�t find the toot button� Alana (Or maybe, the horn?) �Hello children�today�s treat of the day� Alana (Being Bushfire � she thinks Bushfire should have a children�s show, with stuff like Bushfire�s Raw Brownie Mix etc. This was said in a satanic voice with devil eyes) �Do you like having a mullet?� Steph (To Steve � I�m sure he was quite surprised when this came out of nowhere) �Ask her a question about her rope� Kate �How long is your rope?� Steph (I rang Debra from the checkout and then put Steph on the phone � she said this with this big big eyes and this slow innocent voice) �It�s I Love Dave month� Steph (At Mitre 10 each month we love a different guy) �I can just see Emma Sherman dating someone named Manu� Emma Ar (It�s scary because I can see it too) �How long does it TAKE to put a slab of cheese on a bun?� Alana (Cheeseburgers taking too long) Page 18 �California�s Most Wanted� Man on Change of Heart (He was convinced he was God�s gift to women � and he kept talking about himself in the third person, like �All the ladies want California�s Most Wanted�) �Dad�s talk obviously worked � his wrip grist� Mum (Perhaps she should stop drinking � she meant to say wrist grip) �My friend got breast implants, I saw her the other day� Mum �Oh, is that the one that kissed you?� Emma (Mum was not impressed) �Kate, were you the result of a lesbian montage?� Emma �The mind boggles�a montage� Grant �My Avon lady knows that I love them so she ordered ten� Jason (About his lipgloss. Three points of worry. One, he HAS an avon lady. Two, he must have actually been chatting with her about lip gloss, if she knows he loves them. Three, he must have already ordered so many that he�s a sure bet for TEN more) �Fancy a doobie?� Alana (In a British accent, it was quite scary. What�s scarier is that she continues to say this at random times) �I dare you to feel how cold this water is with your little toe � or some description� Alana (She�s an odd one) Page 19 �I�m sick of you and your little black book, Black Sambo� Alana (I was writing down a quote and she said this. I�m just a tad worried about where Black Sambo came from) �Hell, I�m sitting on a main beach with no pants on� Alana (She went on a strike from pants � I forget why � and wore boxer shorts for a whole day. She drove us around, and we got some muffins and went down to the main beach, and Alana just sat there in her boxers completely unfazed) �If I could steal some of your pregnant cyst, I would� Alana (Trying to comfort Andii, but I don�t understand what this means or how it would help her in any way) �You can be my bladder buddy!� Kim �What? Passion cheese success?� Becca �Passion ACHIEVES cheese� Kate (This presentation at 7th form camp � their motto was Passion Achieves Success. We were confused) �TWIN BICCIE!� Becca (When Twin Biccie was putting on her presentation, Becca stood up and pointed at her and yelled this in front of the whole 7th form) �WillowBenKingsley� Becca (When were all half asleep in the Wharenui, Becca was dared to yell Ben Kingsley to Willow across the room) �Describe the surroundings� Kate �It�s hot, and Maori� Kim (We were doing this gay-ass activity, where people had to describe a shape and a blindfolded person had to draw it on a bit of paper. Stupid team building crap you might say. Anyway, I felt all insecure inside my blindfold and I asked Kim to describe what I couldn�t see. As we were in the Wharenui, and surrounded by Maori carvings everywhere, and it was crammed with about 200 people) �You know if Gandhi saw you today he�d be proud� Kim (Talking about The Mahatma) Page 20 �And to this day, you can hear him cry �Flee Tangiroa�� Kim (In Geography we were analysing this photo of an ancient Maori Pa � there was this one guy standing up in a canoe with his arms in the air. We figured he MUST have been shouting �Flee Tangiroa � flee the land of the bad yogurt�) �I can�t help but notice he�s here� Kim (In Geography � when we were hoping Mr Ward wouldn�t turn up � then he walked in the door and shouted for us to do a whole lot of crap.) �90 bucks! Oh my God! The pirates!� Nigel (On Bio camp) �My name is kilometre. Please give me a piece of pie� Kate �You don�t want a chicken � you�ll get very attached to Johnny and then you�ll have to eat it� Bridget (On Horticulture) �We�re like a married couple�except not married, and not a couple� Kim (When she stayed the night and we were turning off the lights and putting the dogs out) �Mmmmm�.sminty� Kim �Number 3!�.no, no, I was just being loud�no�I�m okay� Kim (She had this full conversation with Mr Ward, and he only looked at her funny) Page 21 �Crikey Joesephine!� Kim �Sit back, and relax� Bex, Kim, Rachel, Kate (At the movies there is this little thing that says this to you � but we found it rather forceful. This will be hard to explain, but the basic idea is that you sit forward resting on your knees. Then you throw yourself backwards with your arms sticking straight out. Then you go completely floppy. People at the movies were kind of scared) ��his unusual personality. There�s a few of those in here� Larry (Talking about Alex the Great, but then looked straight at Kim. Poor Kim) �Remind us next time to sing quieter.� Kate �Oh, like that�ll ever happen� Kim �She loves you really� Rachel (If she wasn�t listening � and she obviously wasn�t � wouldn�t it have been easier to say �What�) �Never West Soggy Weetbix� Kim �I�ve got an illness� Kate �Can�t we just have express Ben mail?� Kim (When we figured out that our letter to Ben would take one month to get to him) �My name is Ben and I like eating� Becca (When we did peer support there was this game where you had to go around the circle and say your name and something you liked � like �My name is Johnsonson and I like surfing�. One of her people said this, then ended up vomiting all over both Becca and the ground) �It�s like, are you TRYING to make the desks fall off the ground?� Becca (On sexy people � that make people get erections � which would make the desk fall off the ground) �I can�t believe I was almost going to do Bio and there�s no goats� Becca (On the Bio trip to Goat Island) Page 22 �That was almost the worst decision of my life� Becca (When she almost took Biology, and there were no goats on Goat Island) �Oh, THAT�S why my shits been running down my leg� Becca (When we found her gum had a laxative effect) �Sarcasm is lost on you� Larry (When I was making my task sheet all colourful � and he said he should colour code it so you knew what to colour red and what to colour blue � like paint by numbers. I said that it was a great idea, and Kim agreed.) �Get jiggy with the natives� Kim (In History � doing 19th Century New Zealand) �We�ve been blamed for all the bad stuff in the world, haven�t we brothers� Mr Newton (To the boys in the class) �It started to be cool to be brown� Mr Newton (On the Maori people in New Zealand) �3 oclock�FOUR OCLOCK!� Alana (She had to pick up me and Becca from work at 4, and she was having a nap. She woke up and saw the clock saying three, and made the connection) �You�d think it would have the decency to die quietly� Kim (About what sounded like a dying bird) �Maybe he�s the jealous, obsessive type� Kim �I hope so!� Becca Page 23 �Guys I really want to show you my thing� Kimberley (At the same time she was playing with her skirt it was quite dodgy) �Oh, that�s why I stopped laughing, cause I thought he might be dead� Becca (On Mr Ducker � we were reading the �Trek� � school magazine � and we found a picture of Mr Ducker and started laughing because he had no hair. It�s not mature, I know. Then we both stopped laughing because we were worried that he was dead) �Can�t we just call it special year? And have special exams?� Kim (On Bursary � and how the word �Bursary� is stress causing) �Danny Dong Gone?� Kim (She was guessing film names, and the clue was D__ D___ G____ - it was Drop Dead Gorgeous) �I wanna be a real boy!� Willow �We locked her in the cupboard and she cried� Becca (On her English teacher) �It�s better than say�Rwanda� Kim (We were talking about how crappy New Zealand is) �There is no spoon�only continent� Kim �Is it bad to throw scissors at people?� Kim �Anybody want a peanut? No!� Kim (She�s quoting The Princess Bride � which I hadn�t seen � and I thought she was retarded because she kept saying this over and over) Page 24 �She hugged me and it was�there� Kim (On Mrs Roberston) �Don�t you have any classes now? Or are you sick�of�stuff� Mr Livingston (When he found me and Kim sitting outside in the middle of a period doing nothing) �My two favourite teachers! Apart from Larry�.and everyone else� Kim �Can I take a photo with you guys? I�ve got a jeana� Willow (How she could make contacts in Canada) �There is no bursary, only spoon� Kim �The corresponding graph is drawn below the table. That�s nice.� Rachel (I�m sure her brain automatically interjects random nice sayings in her sentences) �It�s art. You don�t pick holes in art.� Willow (When the reliever teacher tried to find fault with The Piano, Willow got very upset) �Well�.we had a fight. I kicked him in the head but it wasn�t my fault� Becca H (On her and Harry in primary school) Page 25 �Did he do it? He could have been keen� Becca H (On Hayley and Steven Bond Smith when she propostioned him � I can�t remember how but it was dodgy) �Coincidence�maybe� Mr Newton (Trying to add a bit of mystery to history � this was creepy) �Through a demo tape of Madonna with subliminal messages of �Go to Church� �Flee Tangiroa�� Kate (Answer to a question in practice Bursary paper � how did the missionaries spread the word of God?) �I do Horticulture � check out my garden!� Becca �That�s wrong on so many levels� Harry �Ew PDF!� Stupid Young�n �Public display of fection?� Kate (This idiotic kid saw Kim and Harry hugging and said PDF � not PDA - and I tried to correct him but he must have been too stupid. Plus, he�s done it three more times AFTER this) �Curiosity killed my dog, well actually my bellybutton� Becca �I am accumulating several cores to the right of my buttocks� Bex (Apple cores) �Look what you did� Kim (To Larry � he was on the other side of the room and Laura�s book fell off her desk. Kim was having a bad day and was venting it on Larry � which I have no problem with) Page 26 �So you can stay behind after assembly if you want to go on Year 9 camp� Mrs Collet �Diamond Pants!� Becca (She was only half listening, and thought Mrs Collett said if anyone wanted diamond pants they could stay behind. I can just imagine Mrs Collett handing out pants with huge diamonds on them as gifts) �There once was a girl who lived in a little pink house and had a little pink doll� Emma Boyd �And she lived in a psychiatric ward and her name was Twin Biccie� Kim �I can�t keep my own hands to myself. I have the urge to fondle� Stuart �When we reach 18 though, it�s all down there from hill� Alana (She wasn�t drinking!) �Get out of my way�or dance in front of me, that�s fine too� Kim (To Larry � he actually did dance in front of her) �He tries so hard and fails so dismally� Kim (About Larry) Page 27 �He doesn�t need to use big words to impress me� Kim (About Larry) �Excuse me, I�m not Jewish� Kim (Larry said something that offended Kim, clearly) �English is my name� Kate �And sex is my game� Becca �It�s like arguing with a talking shit� Becca (On Mrs O�Halloran) �It�s like we get into trouble for asking questions she can�t answer� Becca (On Mrs O�Halloran) �I have to read Frau Brickenmaker goes to a wedding� Becca �I didn�t poo on you, you can�t yell at me� Becca (During a conversation we had where we asked what the world would be like if you couldn�t be mad at someone unless they pooed on you) �With all powers combined, I am Captain Vagina� Becca Page 28 �It like a trillion needles picking into your vulva. What�s a vulva?� Becca �Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a clown performing oral sex on you? Well you do now!� Kate (Long story � we were talking about how the best revenge for a mean ex is to give them an STD. We decided that if you had cold sores, you could give them to your ex. The only problem would be if he asked why you had cold sores all over your mouth � so we decided that you could put on a whole lot of red lipstick. Then you might look like a clown�) �Eww�Mr Murphy made love to my foot� Becca (He grabbed it and squeezed it) �It�s like, why use your vagina when you could use your armpit?� Becca (On people who have sex with their armpit) �That would be so not intimate, having sex with the back of a knee� Becca (We were wondering what it would be like if penises were on the back of the guys knee as opposed to between his legs) �It�s not called nugget, it�s called Kiwi, you losers� Alana (When me and Mark were saying that to cover up Alana�s shoe stain you should just stick some nugget on it � i.e. shoe polish) �I don�t want to talk about peoples parts� Alana �If you can�t talk about sex, what can you talk about?� Mark Page 29 �Can you hole punch mine?� Kim (On her Geography map that was on a piece of refill � hence punching it was completely pointless) �E2 gives you all the vitamin supplements you could possibly need� Kim (Not on the drink � about E) �Now, does anyone want to change it to five?� Mr Ward �Such a poor, pathetic man� Kim (He was trying to make us guess how many teats a cow had on it�s udder � and he was really excited about it) �How does Jason kiss?� Laura Jo (She went out with his brother, and asked Kim this in the middle of nowhere in front of the whole class. We were a tad speechless) �But he made the sheep bleed wees� Becca �Friend meets friend, boy meets world, EW FRED SAVAGE!� Kate �Your voice box is vibrating on my rib. Buttocks� Becca (A bit random) �Walter Matthau has been reincarnated into our deputy principal� Becca (He seriously looks exactly like him) �I know insanity like the back of my hand� Becca Page 30 �Is Newty going toilet?� Kim �He wouldn�t DARE� Kate �You know his name? You�re sick!� Kate (Kim knows the Ears Physics Ahhh guy�s name) �Lord Cardigan� Mr Newton (There actually was a Lord Cardigan) �Well if I could just get a word in edgeways�please?� Mr Newton (To Kim who fights him for his lesson time) �It�s a Maori John Procter!� Becca H �I did China� Kate �Really? I thought it was just for fashion� Kim (On docking dog�s tails) �I�m going to find the Too Hoi!� Kim Page 31 �This is like Blue�s Clues but not� Sam �Utu!� Kim (Randomly) �Can you unhand Rick, please?� Mr Newton (To Shane) �He�s a Francis, I think� Becca H (When we were talking about Mr Newton�s first name) �Would you ever�suck the tomato sauce bottle�..take a whiff of the pina colada spray?� Alana (She�s talking about fellatio) �A�bevan john�� Alana �You mean like suck a guy off or something?� Rachel (She doesn�t really like euphemisms does she) �John doesn�t understand the finer points of flamingo love� Kate �Oh it�s the colour thing. You guys are too kind� Debra (When she was leaving and we gave her two of those cardboard paint samples � about 5x10 cm. Needless to say, her comment was rather sarcastic) �Yeah, go time� Rico (We were doing a Hurry Up Time dance � every minute that passed, we got to do a different dance) �Te Whiti smell� Kim (Te Whiti/The Feet) Page 32 �We could be the fluffers�.oh it�s not porn, sorry� Kate (On My Fair Lady) �Is that a tribal spear in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?� Kate �Do you wanna get that? Or otherwise I�ll have to violate you� Kate (On something under the desk, to Kim) �He�s probably the disgruntled lover� Kim (On Larry) �I�m a teacher, but hey, I can still hang� Kim (On Larry�s �Look�) �I wanna be a whale� Kate (When Mr Newton was singing their praises) �Why is there always an Aimee Hynes in every classics class?� Kim (On Ryan Bode Tuck) �He wants me!� Kim (About Larry � in a hushed whisper) �Uh, hi, hello, my name is Rebutops and I�m in the backseat� Becca (When someone was talking about her and they didn�t know she was in the backseat) Page 33 �Ask, Mr McDermid, why do you wear that checkered shirt? Rather than, do you think dress sense is important?� Mr McDermid (When he was saying we should ask specific questions about our assignment) �Durable, responsible, example?� Becca �Excitement?� Rachel (When we were doing a quiz and they were guessing what Durex stood for. Incedentally, it�s Durable, Responsible, Excellence) �I�m wearing my action undies. See, you can look, I popped a dome� Becca (Becca can pop domes on her pants by pushing out her stomach) �Asian bowling tour!� Kate and Becca (We had three free periods in a row, so we came back to my house, and were flicking through the channels � on TWO channels � ESPN and Sky Sport we found Asian Bowling Tour which was all these Asian people doing 10 pin bowling � strange) �What�s the time�Mr Wolf� Utu (Great great dialogue! This guy had just chopped off this other guy�s head, and he starts swinging this pocket watch back and forth to this whole church � it�s pretty damn random!) �He was not my friend. He was my�.uncle� Utu (Another great line, where the camera moves from a long shot to a tight close up of this guys face) �Katie?? �.You�ve got bug� Becca (When she woke up in the middle of the night and felt something on her leg. I woke up to find her shaking me, about 5 cm away from my face. It turned out to become a HUGE weta) �I think we�ve�moved�somewhere James� Larry �We have to have this in the movie � it has no reference to old people though� Alana (On Pretty Woman) �It has to be a movie mocking old people� Alana (On Kate�s Army) Page 34 �I don�t think I�m quotable� Larry �You are SO quotable� Kim �What�s four minutes between friends?� Willow �It�s a big metaphor, metaphorically, area� Becca (Her phone language when she�s tired) �Stupid helpful porn!� Becca �That�s stupid aye � I�ve figured out the colour coordination, but nothing else� Rachel (On the Stats assignment. Let�s all the guess the colour coordination. All together now�pink!) �I�m naturally melancholy� Mr Newton (When I told Kim she made all her teachers want to kill themselves) �He was like, THIS is the real Hellespont, and I was like, mememe, shut up Larry, THIS is the real Hellespont� Kim (About her and Larry�s visit to Greece- it�s cheaper than actually going, I guess) �You have no conscience � Agammemmnon would NOT be proud� Kim (To Larry � this probably was a deep offense in his eyes) Page 35 �Never again shall I travel the road that leads to Larry. Funnily enough it�s where the train kids go� Kim (I�m sure she must have had some sort of illegal substance) �He was like the reject� Kim �But look at his package!� Hayley (Talking about Newton � I guess Hayley�s logic says that if you have a big package, you CAN�T be a reject) �I don�t need a badge to look wholesome� Sam (About the Drug Free badges) �Did you know Tic Tacs are a powerful hallucigeon?� Kim (Interesting trivia of the day) �I LOVE it when people carry maps� Becca (When Bushfire had a map of Auckland) �What if you forget to fix and fasten?� Alana (The Havoc earthquake ads � with the motto Fix Fasten and Forget � Alana watched one and turned to me all innocent, with big eyes and her chin trembling � and asked this in a tiny tiny voice) �I�ve got good old Lord�James�.Sutton�Bruce behind me� Mr Weston (I think he was talking about war) �What use are flowers to a fat person? Jack Squat� Alana (When I thought we should send some flowers to Andii when she gave birth) �I�m yet to be like THIS with her, but you wait, I�ll bide my time� Kim (Kim says that she is like THIS with everyone � twisting two of her fingers around each other, like two very close, in sync people. She says it about every damn person in the whole damn world � ESPECIALLY the library ladies � and she said this one about one of the female teachers in the social studies department but I can�t remember who) Page 36 �I hope we get offensive calls!� Kate (When Kim and I wrote an article for the Bay Sun about Drug Abuse week) �Was it my picture?� Wardy �No, I was just�happy� Kim (Ward always draws these horrible awfully bad pictures that always look like genitals instead of aerial maps � Kim started laughing hysterically when he drew one) �Truth, beauty, freedom, but above all things, greenity� Becca (When we were walking to English and Horticulture, and this came from bad vocabulary) �Life is nothing but a snot rag with a broken poo jar� Becca (We were watching the boys play Cricket and I can�t remember where the poo jar thing started but it was something like the Cricket boys all pooing in a jar then selling it for a whole lot of money � and what a bugger if you dropped it and you�d paid all that money. Snot rag, I don�t know) �Daddy Max� Becca (There was this presentation in the Hall about Drugs, and why not to do them � there was this example they used, of this guy called Max � this bad character who did bad things, like drug smuggling. Becca told me it was her dad at the beginning, and kept relating stuff back � like when the guy said �He rang home to get his wife to flush all the stuff there� Becca would say �I remember that day� then laugh hysterically) �He�s got chubby jowls� Kim (On Ward) �Normally retards, who have no friends, don�t think they�re cool� Becca (On Aimee Hynes) �I�m hoping for some kind of alternative lesbian couple� Newton (To take his puppies off him, silly) �Hi is Becca there?� Kate �Speaking� Becca �Oh�don�t worry then� Kate (On the phone) �I love the feeling of plastic. That�s why I wear my uniform. Why I adore cotton� Kim Page 37 �No, she GOES to a wedding, it�s not Frau Brickenmaker IS a wedding� Becca �Isn�t Roimata the lowly chieftain?� Kate �The only Roimata I know is the one in my heart� Kim �Now children, the positive effects of LSD� Kim (When Ryan Bode Tuck came into classics singing and dancing around, Kim said this in this boring, droll, monotone voice � it was so much like an educational video it was scary) �Get with the times, programme� Kim (To Alecia) �His name is Roimata�� Kim ��Roimata the newt�� Kate ��of the Trellis tribe� Kim (On Newton) �I need to write a book, the vapidity of those that cannot laugh� Kim (On the Vapids) �When they were offering Tobacco�but wait, there�s more�a free set of steak knives as well!� Newton (On what the Pakeha gave the Maori to sign the Treaty of Waitangi) �I�m like Batman�.ID card Batman� Sam (She was flicking people�s ID cards around, like Batman�s funny little disc thing he throws) Page 38 �You are the stained window, the tainted flesh� Kim (She really is one with compliments) �It was like a suicidal possum� Sam (On this possum that hung itself from a tree) �You�re full of carbohydrates, and you make me sick� Kimbee (To Nicola Buckthought � she�s good at the nasty comments isn�t she!) �That was the nicest packet of cheezels I�ve ever had! Henceforth, I am licking the plastic� Kim �No, Bert and genitals don�t mix� Becca (On bug) �Have you SEEN her parents? They look like garden gnomes, leprechauns at least� Becca (I�m not telling whose parents she is talking about) �Mmmmm�.gala gar� Becca (When the Gallagher ad came on) �I wouldn�t want to sleep with him in winter!� Becca (We were on the phone both watching Smallville. There was this guy on there with this frantic spasm problem � we both laughing at his spasm misfortune. I said that he�d probably be really cold � he�d be like a fan with his arms going round and round all the time. She said this, and then I got this visual of Becca and this guy in the same bed � he�s this 7 foot tall black guy with a shaved head � and she�s crying because she�s so cold as he flails his limbs about and all the blankets fall off) Page 39 �You need lipgloss, your lips are drying out. Hers are fine though� Jason (To Erica. Isn�t he meant to be a boy?) �Get the avon stuff Erica � it mosturises AND protects� Jason (Good to know) �I saw this woman today, she looked 18 but she was 30� Jason �How do you know she was 30?� Steve �Because she looked like it� Jason (I don�t know WHERE the logic is here) �Normally, I wouldn�t let you go, but for hospital reasons�� Kim (To Ward, when he said he was going to go early to go to the hospital) �All that many, for hardly any cloth� Ward (On modern clothing. He truly sounded bewildered) �Aren�t we just thoughters� Ward (Perhaps he meant thinkers. I can see who isn�t an English teacher�) Page 40 �The pencil turns to paint!� Laura Jo (Who was so incredibly excited) �You know how I have cold hands all the time?� Becca �No� Kate �Well, sometimes I have cold hands, if I�ve been out in the cold, you know� Becca �Let�s not be sexist about our marine animals� Ward �You know, a guy could really get self-conscious about his drawings� Ward (When everyone was making fun of him) �It�s like there�s an orchestra on her phone and everyone�s invited� Becca (On Bushfire�s phone � which instead of a beep beep tink beep beep tink as a phone ring, had this entire orchestra � you could pick out pianos and violins � playing this complicated tune) �I looked up and I was like Oh Dear God�there is no God� Becca (When she saw someone�s brother) �Twin Biccie�s already lost hers� Harry (No, that�s not what he�s talking about � if it was THAT it wouldn�t be new news) Page 41 �You can meet Shannon this weekend� Becca �(Pause) �..Ahh!� Kate (Slow reaction time) �I thought I was your only headache� Kim (To Larry � she was genuinely hurt when he said our whole class was a headache) �Poos And �.Beers Ahmed� Hayley (When we were trying to guess what PABA stood for) �What do you suggest my bottomly pickled chum?� Kim (She�s very wordy) �My, you do have a knack for the criminally insane you gorgeous golliwog� Kim (Wordy. Very very wordy) �He�s got the biggest head I�ve ever seen� Kim (On an ex boyfriend) �Do you want a carrot?� Jen �No, carrots make you like rabbits�.and dogs eat rabbits� Ward (Obviously getting into deep childhood trauma) �Sir, when you smile you look like the marshmallow man� Kim (To Ward. He actually does!) �Mummy mummy I got sand in my jeana� Mikayla (This one was a couple of years ago � when were at the main beach and Mikayla pulls off her togs, bends over, and says this. Loudly. There were people there) Page 42 �Sid you�re just like a dog�only different� Emma (Good point to tell the dog) �My words are getting mixed up� Kate �Yeah, me do that� Kim (Good England skills) �The trail is rough the trail is rough� Kate (When we were playing Oregon Trail 2 on computer, and I was repeating everything twice in this frenzied voice) �I mean, I�ve sittin next to him for the last term� Becca (She meant sat � but she obviously doesn�t do much ENGLISH in English) �Oooh�if someone hurt MY pussycat, I�d kill them� Jason �Let me tell you the story about the fly and the cave� Kate (To a fly) �Kate????� Butops �What? I�m trying to help him� Kate (He couldn�t get out of the room and I was trying to tell him a story to help him get out) �Bec, I wouldn�t ACTUALLY masturbate you for you� Kimbee (A long conversation, where you had to make a choice between sleeping with two people � can�t remember who � but disgusting they were indeed. Becca said she�d just masturbate, then Kimbee said, �Yeah, I�d just masturbate Becca� � and Becca got kind of scared) �You know Lisa? She hates whales. She was rowing and she leaned out to touch one and she fell out and now she hates whales� Becca Page 43 �It�s my mission in life to pump petrol for old people� Alana (Who helped two old people pump some petrol at Mobil when they couldn�t understand the machine) �It�s not even her ex � it�s someone she talked to once� Kate �Stop eating virtual nuggets� Kate (When me, Becca and Kim were all starving and Kim made it all worse by pretending she was eating nuggets from McDonalds, and it made us soo hungry) �Kim I hate you when I�m hungry you freak� Becca (Same reason as above) �You killed the blue fairy you prat� Grant �Yeah, I bet you feel good� Mum �This is all Martin�s fault� Mum (Comments while watching A.I. Artificial Intelligence) �Why do all people assume aliens have two arms and legs, and a torso, and a head?� Kate �Because people are stupid. Dogs probably have a different idea� Emma (I�m sure dogs have contemplated other life forms in our universe) Page 44 �I pity the fool who touches my parts� Alana �And then skanky Rachel can have Josh, and he can pee on her face till she dies� Alana (in a slightly upset mood) �Alana, you didn�t go to church this morning� Selina �Was it open� Alana (On Easter) �Shut up, or I�ll hit you with my purchases� Emma �This shows always about her� Emma (On Ally from Ally McBeal) �Jason, you�re just a witless fashion victim� Helen �He�s awfully shy for a stud muffin� Helen (About my Dad) �It�s funny how he became Rubicon while he was in jail� Alana (About Marshall from Shortland Street) Page 45 �I pulled my fanny. It happens to the best of us� Becca (She pulled her groin playing Netball (or Volleyball, can�t remember) but groin sounds too boring, so it became fanny) �And it had Greg Kinnear in it, I LOVE Greg Kinnear� Kate �Yeah, he�s fun� Emma �I�m sorry about caring before, I don�t know why� Kim (About Classics) �I am the champions� Homer �We see you, slipping that down your�.arm..shirt� Caroline (When Steve was pretending to shoplift something � arm shirt? I think she meant sleeve) �They�re not � pants, they�re like�.7/4 pants� Caroline (On Jason�s pants � they were meant to be � pants but they were much longer than normal, they looked like too-short regular pants) �How did women percieve the bicycle? Good one� Kate (A bit of sarcasm about the history projects) �Ew, what if I get Willow air in me?� Kim (On the horrors of living on the same planet as Willow) Page 46 �Ok, pros for coming to school�.none. Cons�.Willow� Kim �I�ve released the awakening of the demon� Kim (On Newton � when she asked him a question about New Zealand History and he talked for about 20 minutes) �Ah, Mr Ward and his homeboys � a tight circle that is impossible to infiltrate� Kim (Mr Ward has all these third form boys he has this special lingo or something with) �Can�t we have someone fat and lazy?� Emma (About the new Big Brother) �What?� Kate (After Kim�s ten minute conversation with Newton � she returned looking a bit confused) �I don�t know, I didn�t hear a thing he said� Kim �Bitch! You�ve got breasts, AND a topic� Kim (In History) �I don�t wanna be cute, I wanna be a woman� Kim (When I said she was cute) �Heavens to murgatory� Kim (Some sort of exclamation) Page 47 �Oh�I�d love to be sterile� Kim �Have a crap, Nige� Mr Ward (He meant crack, but it came out wrong � poor old Ward) �Poor little bunion� Kim (On Mr Ward) �Ladies�..ladies�..and Kim� Larry (Trying to shut us up � Kim was quite angry at this remark) �Is that what Harry said?� Kimbee (On Kim�s quote from the last page� �I don�t wanna be cute, I wanna be a woman� � really does sound like something Harry would say) �Why don�t you just grow a dick� Alana�s mum (When she was saying, �you dress like a guy, you talk like a guy, you like guys things� � she said this too. Alana was sworn to secrecy, but because you are reading this, she wasn�t a very good secret keeper) �Do we live in a tent? No.� Becca H (When Juliette left the door open, this was her �cutting insult�) �I�m too old for you, go away� Larry (To Kim � we were shell-shocked) �Don�t read it, I don�t wanna listen� Kerryn (About Kim�s essay � she is completely honest) �Jason looks scared� Kate �I�d be scared too, if I was Jason� Erica Page 48 �What do you think Reb is short for?� Kate (In The Chosen � a character is called Reb Saunders � he�s a Jewish Orthodox Rabbi) �Reberto?� Rachel (Yeah, a real Jewish sounding name!) �Who would call their camera Bruce anyway?� Alana �The berm is where you lie on your towel and check out the talent� Mr Ward (Teaching us about coastal processes in Geo) �I think we should be showing some booty� Bonita (About the cheerleading thing) �Nana was quite forthcoming about the penis boys today� Mum (The penis puppeteers, which Nana was disaproving of) �Now you have to label your equations�any colour�except pink� Mr McDermid (A dig at Rachel, who does allllll of her work in Stats in pink pen, and he says he can�t read it. No one else in the class got it though, but Rachel looked severely embarrased) �It�s Be-zeel-a-bub�s carriage� Kim (Trying to say Beelzebub, another name for the devil) �Can we call him Verge?� Kim (About Virgil, full name Publius Virgilius Marro, the author of The Aeneid) �Verge is verging on the ridiculous� Larry (A bit of humour for the day) Page 49 �Calling you a slut makes me feel good� Kimbee (To Rachel) �He makes me want to lubricate him� Kimbee (About Bruce. A video camera. Ok�) �Slut�s going to be there. You know what I�m gonna do?� Kim �Vomit on her?� Kate ��..(pause) �Yep� Kim �Shall I pull out my McDonald�s ID card at Maccas?� Becca H �Yep� Kate �And I�ll be like, suck on this, bitch� Becca H (A bit over-excited, aren�t you Becca?) �What�s that stuff on your eyes?� Jason �It�s called eyeshadow� Kate �Oh, I had to have some of that� Jason (Everytime he talks he re-affirms his gayness) �I�ll put him on a spit, and grind him for pork chop rind� Alana (An insult, apparently) Page 50 �Oh, so he�s going to get bad reviews because he�s doing a triquel� Sarah (On the director of Mission Impossible 3 �a triquel????) �It�s cockney, yah� Becca (We were saying how instead of actually attempting accents just tell people what they are. And the only one we can really do is Helga�s) �I�d die before I saw Emma An naked� Leigh (Kind of insulting) �Come on Mrs Media, Mrs Movies, what have you got?� Mum (She was trying to get me to name famous movie quotes and I didn�t want to � this was a threat) �It was like the best day of my life� Willow (About the Waikato University Open Day. She�s serious. Ok�) �He�s as good as Chan in my eyes� Emma (About Keiran off Big Brother) �Mum made savoury muffins, I�m a bit spectacle� Kim (She meant skeptical) �Fly spray?� Harry, Hayley �Popcorn?� Rico, Bushfire �Feet?� Bonita (I broke my deoderant and it spilled this gross perfume oil everywhere � it was Musk, but it had been intensified (I hope) by the fact there was so much of it. Kim and I got everyone to say what they thought the smell was. Harry and Rico came in about the same time as each other and said fly spray and popcorn, respectively � then the exact same thing came out of Hayley and Bushfire�s mouths ten minutes later!) Page 51 �I want your chocolate and that�s not all I want. Where�s Leea?� Kim (In a random stream) �I heard famous people had their asses sucked�� Bonita (As Mr Livingston walked past) �You cannot mess with Bushfire�s kind� Kim (On �Ears Physics Ahh� � Hayley was talking about him) �It�s a bad phenomenon � a be-nomenon� Hayley �So�you�ve got sideburns� Hayley (Change of subject) �He looks like a pimple� Alana (About Peter from Big Brother) �He�s looking forward to it more than he should� Kim (About Harry playing Netball in a skirt) �I want to read you some poems by a six year old� Mr Ward (Randomly) �We don�t care about this girl, we care about The Aeneid� Miss Morrison Page 52 �Isn�t Hugh Grant cute?� Ryan �Emma, come back! I�ll make you a pizza with Don Corleone� Kim �Wow, he really is Robin� Erica (When Eric closed the door � we assigned all these Batman characters to people at work) �I made my cake a dad� Rico �Jason can be cat woman � cause he likes cats, and he�s a woman� Kate (His Batman �role�) �I�ve become an obsessive flyer reader� Mr Weston �I�d get my savings outta your bank baby� Kimbee (A come on) �Let�s just say you�re a nomadic goat herd�� Mr Newton (Full of little hypothetical situations) �It sounds like the treaty� Willow (On the Bible) �What a dick� Kim (About Willow) |
