We have seen - experienced - are

If we are vulnerable, grieving, pregnant, postpartum, convalescing, the tyranny will increase,- we have learned to overlook unkindness, disrespect, disregard and indifference as not important enough to stand up to, upsetting incidents are denied by the abuser anyway, and we think we are wrong, we forget our upset feelings when the abuser is intermittently friendly-sometimes even charming, the abuse is very subtle—the control increasing gradually over time so that we gradually adapt to it. The abuser controls (along with everything else) the interpersonal communication and therefore, the interpersonal reality by refusing to discuss anything. The abuser blames us for upsetting interactions, and we believe him..., we may be absorbed in raising a family, running a business, developing a career, we ignore the problems in the relationship, thinking nothing is perfect anyway. “Car Jumping” we jump out of moving cars to get away from him, and are run over in the process, while our children are watching and crying in the back seat. At times the abuser is not abusive and we forget the bad times, he was nice in the beginning so we know he can do this (be nice), we are spinning - too stunned or thrown off balance to think what is happening to us- he constantly twists everything that we say. We have given up demanding that we be treated with dignity and respect and even if we do he always misconstrues our demand, needs or requests and twists our meaning into a hateful interpretation of his own. Our reality has never been validated. Others don’t see the abuse and think maybe we are imagining it or perhaps we are not doing enough or are not submissive enough or we are not acting happy enough to please him (or they don’t want to hear about it, after all he’s the “nice guy” to them all charming, funny, helpful, considerate. We believe he is rational and that there is some reason for what he says and does. He is alternately abusive and nonabusive so we are never sure whether or not the relationship is working. We are starved for support, affection, caring, touching, sharing, a demonstration of good will. His behavior becomes progressively more cruel, tormenting, tyrannical, and violent. —-no matter what. The more committed we become to him, to the relationship or to working it out, the more we give in -the worse it gets. We never know what is going on.

Know that you are not to blame or at fault. His mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, daughter, niece, girlfriend (s), ex-wife are not to blame or at fault. You do not “attract” or “pick” these kinds of relationships. He was attracted to your abilities, energy, humor, looks and spirit. You can be certain that you are not any thing he has told you, you are. He has actually been seeing describing himself. His sole intent in engaging or reengageing with us is to proceed with his “game” of persecution, devastation, victimization and spiritual warfare -which he fully intends to win.

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