If at all possible

Don’t keep his secret (he is counting on that) -it will always get worse. Stop feeling sorry for him, Stop trying to make it work. Stop opening up to him. Stop communicating with him about the problem (or anything else). Stop answering his questions. Stop apologizing, stop explaining, doing, giving, telling him everything. Stop giving him gifts. Leave and start a new life. Prepare to leave and start a new life. If it’s happening at work leave and get a new job. Prepare to leave and get a new job. Surround yourself with supportive, validating people. (do not be discouraged when those you thought would be there for you aren’t.) Trust your perceptions —-this is happening to you believe it or not. Develop a safety plan (leaving is the most dangerous time.) Seek out counselors, priests, attorneys who are familiar with and understand misogyny, domestic violence and are empathetic and concerned for you and your well-being. Read and reread books that remind you - you are not the problem, that no matter what you do or don’t do the violence will always get worse. Get out as much as possible, school, work, support groups, church, family, walks. If he “cries” and says that he loves you but is no where near perfect, or that he has his issues but is going to change chances are slim to none that there will be any noticeable improvement. He can seek out help from therapists, priests, groups that deal with his problem; his belief s justifying power over, control, violence, battering, abuse, domination and his need for violent abandonment. Most of the time he won’t be interested in getting help or changing, after all we are the problem, at fault, to blame, or in some way defective, and he enjoys being “ king” having power over us, tyrannizing us, having it his way. If his counselor, therapist...wants to meet with you, don’t, suggest they read the recommended books instead, if they understood anything about misogyny they wouldn’t be asking to meet with you. Set Bottom Lines: DON’T CRY, beg or plead. Don’t initiate (phone calls, conversations, reconciliation) Don’t respond to his questioning or if necessary use supportive people to you, or disinterested third parties as go betweens. Don’t reengage. Don’t just have sex with him. Don’t wait for him. The pain and anxiety of withdrawal (abandonment) can be distressingly acute and very intense, even terrifying -but it will end. The abandonment, the pain, the anxiety of staying with him will never end. We will support you no matter what your decision. Whether we stay or go our answer is still more spiritual development.

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