Hypervigilant, never sure when the cycle of abuse will begin again or what the cause will be. We can’t recall saying to him “cut it out” or “stop it” (or have given up saying it.). We feel if only we do more, are more tolerant, loving, giving, understanding, forgiving, give him whatever he wants, when he wants it (sex (or no sex) always on his terms) he will stop being vile, mean, cruel, angry we feel off balance, rattled, unsure, spun, unbelieving that this could be happening, depleted, sucked dry, lost, always needing to apologize or explain, disconnected, confused, disoriented, cut off, isolated, alone, needing clarification but too fearful to ask or asking and not getting it. We feel held - as if in a spell - trapped, unable to leave with any closure, resolution or finality, afraid. Bugged by the simple presence of another person, discovering that we were mistaken in our evaluation of where we stood or what it was all about. (this includes family and friends). Threatened.
We are, have become, or experiencing ————- DVAS:
Fatigued, exhausted, tired all the time, never refreshed, a complete loss of ourselves, forgetful, unable to process information, get or stay organized, prone to nightmares, insomnia, trips, slips, & falls, fender benders or near misses, weight loss, weight gain, impaired sexual desire, a constant feeling of uneasiness, an icky, gut wrenching slime bucket, loss of enthusiasm, loss of spontaneity, in a prepared on guard state, not sure how we are coming across, concerned that there is something wrong with us, an inclination to soul search & review incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong-how we might have been at fault, apologizing just to placate him. a growing self doubt, an internalized “critical voice” (or critical, non supportive out side voices), a constant connection to him sexual - psychic, physical, emotional, a phenomenon, held as if by a curse or spell, unable to get away, disbelief -we are experiencing a nightmare without end, a deep-deep sense of sadness, an anxiety or fear of being crazy (this is reinforced by his or outside comments), a desire not to be the way we are, a hesitancy to accept our perceptions unable to make decisions a desire to escape or run away, a belief that what we do best might be what we do worst (reinforced by his constant criticism), a continuous sense of dread, unable to please him or do anything right, dying may be something we look forward to, debilitated, drained. We don’t like what we are becoming. Misogynized “like him”.
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