"Worse Than Death"
A/N: Hey everyone! I'm soooooooo sorry that it took so long to update, but I had exams and stuff,
ALL: Yay!
so I didn't have time. Sorry again!
Elladan: Don't apologize. We might not like you so much.
Chapter 9
ESM: I always liked the number nine. But I wonder what could be good about a ninth chapter of a 'Sue.
Nienna and Legolas were together often
Elladan: Are you kidding? Every gossip column was full of sightings, imagined and real, of the pair. It happened so much they were called "Legienas".
in the Fellowship's stay in Lothlorien. This didn't go unnoticed, though.
Elrohir: Dun dun dun dun DUN! Her old friend the Squid-like thing
The Lady Galadriel watched them as their love for each other grew.
Gimli: Thus when she turned around from watching them, she found that while her back was turned the love had grown faster than Jackbottom Brandybuck's Beanstalk.
Galadriel disapproved of the match,
ESM: Tennis was just NOT her thing. And she absolutely abhorred woman-on-man professional boxing.
and called Nienna into her room one day. She said, "Nienna, child,
Legolas: (Galadriel) Since your mother isn't here to discipline you, I'm afraid the delightful duty falls on me. In that closet you will find some fine mallorn rods. Bring the sturdiest to me.
I must speak with you about something that I have noticed and disapproved of over the past few weeks. I have seen you with that Prince Legolas,
Elrohir: Notice the scorn with which she names her granddaughter's imbecile suitor.
and I wish for you to not see him again."
Elladan: (Galadriel) And so I must blind you!
Nienna looked at her quizzically, and replied, "I am sorry
Gimli: (Nienna) But you must click your heels while wearing a pair of magic slippers three times for your wish to come true. Oh, and did I mention I'm wearing those particular slippers?
that you disapprove, My Lady, but
ESM: (Nienna) Go pound sand, grandma, really. Chill out. It's my life.
I love him,
Elrohir: (Nienna) Not as much as I love myself, of course...
and I will not be swayed by your judgment."
Gimli: (Nienna) Rocked a little, but never swayed!
At this, Galadriel glowered.
ESM: Atomic Galadriel strikes! W00T!
She wasn't used to being denied, especially by those younger, and less wise than herself.
Elladan: For instance, Frodo, who offered her the Ring when she asked for it. I still think it was awfully low of her to go picking on such a helpless little Ringbearer. Why didn't she ask Sauron for it while he had it?
"Listen to me, my child, if you carry on this relationship, it will eventually kill you both! I have seen it in the mirror!
ESM: (Nienna, disbelieving) You saw me die in your *mirror*? What kind of morbid mirrors do YOU have? Geez.
It will drive him to
Gimli: The Pit of Despair, where he will be experimented on till he's "mostly dead", and then rescued and brought back to life.
be anxious about your safety, not caring about his own, and that will be the death of him!"
Legolas: Aaannnd, we care because...?
Galadriel exclaimed.
Elladan: And sent the servants who had been listening at the door scurrying in fright.
Nienna looked at her levelly, and replied,
Elrohir: (Nienna) I'm as tall as you are in these shoes!
“Or maybe, his love for me will drive him to fight better in order to protect me, even though he knows quite well that I don’t need protection!” After this exchange, Nienna
ESM: Had enough Meros to buy a horse.
stormed out of Galadriel’s room, in search of somewhere peaceful to think.
Gimli: What a novelty for the little princess.
She went to a creek, and sat down by its edge. She reflected on what Galadriel had said, and decided that If Legolas died for her, than she would die also,
Elladan: And whadaya know, there was a creek right there to drown herself in!
no matter what the consequences, she would continue her relationship with him.
Gimli: Reckless.
The next day, the Fellowship began to pack their things in preparation to leave. Just as Nienna was finishing packing, Galadriel strode into her room. She sat down on one of the many padded chairs.
ESM: They put Nienna in an auditorium?
It was a long time before she spoke. When she did, the news she brought to Nienna shocked her.
Elladan: (Galadriel) Nienna, I am your father!
"Nienna," she said, "I have something to tell you, another reason for the break off with Legolas. There is a small issue of you being betrothed." At this Nienna's attention was captured,
Legolas: Jailed, and hanged for infernal disregard of the uninvited attention laws.
though she didn't show any signs that she was listening.
ESM: (Nienna, shouting and pointing to her headphones) I'm rockin out with Linkin Park, grandma! Keep your tiding of great joy till the end of this track, would ya? Thanks!
"You are betrothed to Haldir, Nienna, my child, he is to rule with you when I cross to the undying lands."
Elrohir: (Galadriel) There is the small problem of my not being allowed to return to the Undying Lands, having refused the amnesty once or twice...
Nienna turned on Galadriel, shouting, "THAT GIRL?
ESM: I am thoroughly insulted. How dare you lump that atrocity with my gender! You should be ashamed of yourself!
HE IS THE GAYEST ELF AROUND! AND NO, NOT GAY LIKE HAPPY
ESM: Who is a Dwarf, but GAY, who is an Elf.
, GAY AS IN HE LIKES MEN!!!!!!!!!!
Elladan: Are you calling my sister gay? Because she likes men too.
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME MARRY HIM ANYWAY, BECAUSE I WILL DIE BEFORE THAT HAPPENS!"
ALL: ::cheer:: Make her do it make her do it!
Galadriel looked at her, and said,
Legolas: (Galadriel) All those who are now deaf, say "aye".
"Well, what a loss that will be to us.
ESM: Oooo, sarcasm!
Get ready, though, the wedding is in two hours."
Legolas: Wow, talk about whirlwind romance!
With that, Galadriel left Nienna standing thunderstruck in her room.
Legolas: (Galadriel) Must remember to get lightning rod upgrades for guest flets...poor Haldir, his bride is fried...
Before any of the elves could make her ready,
Gimli: For the funeral...
though, Nienna ran out of the room
Legolas: The smell of fried Sue brought all the Lorien dogs.
in search of Legolas. She found him polishing his bow by the same creek she had sat at the previous day.
Elladan: (apologetically) It was a convenient creek.
Legolas heard her coming,
ESM: He heard all the dogs.
and stood up, turning around.
Elrohir: Bracing for impact in three...two...one...TACKLE THE--OH MY EARTHLY STARS IN HEAVEN WHERE DID ALL THESE DOGS COME FROM?
He saw that Nienna was crying, and he was confused when she collapsed in his arms, sobbing.
ESM: (Legolas(!!)) But I just gave you the little happy pill three hours ago...how big an antidepressant do you need?
Legolas sat down with Nienna still in his arms,
Legolas: Merely because she had a vise-like grip and suction-cupped fingers.
and turned her face towards his.
Legolas: They say it does no good to ignore a fangirl, they just keep fantasizing. The thing to do in situations such as these is to destroy the link between their fantasy and reality. Look into their eyes and do everything they don't expect. Which is perfectly easy because everything that's really you is everything they don't expect.
“What is wrong, melanin?” he asked, and Nienna’s sobs became more controlled so that she could talk.
Gimli: Great. We tearfully bid goodbye to a few more of our own braincells.
"I-I am betrothed," she said,
ESM: I really don't understand this betrothed thing.
new wave of tears washing away the old ones,
Gimli: Somehow, 'cry me a beach" doesn't sound right.
“I-I marry in two hours time! Legolas, I can’t!
Legolas: (Nienna) I promised my parents I'd get married in a church!
I love you; I will die if I marry him!
ALL: YEEEEE-HAW!!!!!
Please take me away from this! Don’t let Her
Gimli: Ooo, "Her". ::evil maniac chuckle::
do this to me, please!"
ESM: (Nienna) I don't WANT my hair trimmed!
Nienna’s sobs became uncontrollable, as Legolas held her in his arms,
Elladan: Psh, I thought you were a soothing creature, Legolas! But the poor urchin just keeps crying!
a single, silent
Gimli: Happy!
tear rolled down his cheek and landed in Nienna’s golden hair.
Legolas: I bet it was a death tear.
After about five minutes, Nienna’s sobs subsided, and completely stopped, Legolas looked down at her, and found her looking very weak.
ESM: (Nienna) Eeeee...Teeeee....hooome....phoooone.....
His eyes widened in horror, as he realized that she was dying.
Elladan: (Legolas(!!)) Whoa! Yes! My death-tear worked! Uh-oh! I'd better go get the healers so they don't think it was I that killed her!
He stood up, and ran to the healing rooms. As he was running, Aragorn saw him, and got up, concerned. He followed Legolas to the healing chambers, hoping that he would be able to find out what had happened.
Elrohir: (Aragorn) Don't tell me you're pregnant already?
Three hours later, Legolas and Aragorn were allowed into the room that held Nienna.
ESM: It was padded.
Legolas ran to her side, while Aragorn talked to the healer.
ESM: Why would she die of heartbreak? She didn't trust Legolas(!!) to come up with an alternative?
Aragorn's face was expressionless,
Gimli: So as not to betray his ecstasy at the news.
as he moved to be with his friend. As
Gimli: Definitely one of her favorite words.
they stood there, Nienna opened her eyes. When she saw Legolas, a small smile came to her lips. Then, she spoke, quietly,
Elladan: (Legolas(!!)) I'll fall in love with a Dwarf.
a matching tear rolling down his cheek.
ESM: Get your His and Hers bath towels, your His and Hers coffee mugs, and your His and Hers tears rolling down His and Her cheeks, today! Hurry! Sale ends in fifteen minutes!
Then, Nienna turned to Aragorn, and said,
ESM: (Nienna) My. Name. Stitch. Hi!
"Tell the others not to grieve, and tell them that I will always be with them."
ALL: AAHHH! CREEP!
At this last part, she looked at Legolas, then continued, “And tell my cousin, Arwen, that I will miss her dearly.
Elrohir: Uhhm...you hardly said two words to Arwen. Actually, did you say any? Did you even meet her?
And, to you, Aragorn, I wish you well in your days of ruling Gondor, and your marriage to Arwen.
ALL: AHHH! SPOILERS!
With that said,
Gimli: Her solemn duty as dying Mary Sue fulfilled, promises extracted, good wishes extended to people she doesn't know...she is now free to make one last dramatic effort and expire.
she turned to Legolas, and used the last of her energy
ESM: Warning! Battery Low! Warning! Battery's been low for the past three hours! Warning! Warning!
to lean up and kiss him.
Gimli: Ta-da.
With that, Nienna left the world in peace and love.
Legolas: Anyway, she did once it got over all the chaos she had caused.
Her family never got to see her again alive,
Gimli: Which, since they'd had to put up with her for 2,087 years already, wasn't such a horrible trial after all.
and Galadriel was on of the saddest at the funeral, fir it was her fault.
Elladan: (Galadriel) Ach! I have kilt my niece! The guilt i' tae muck!
The rest is history, though it had a few extra people in it.
ESM: Uhm..
Remember I will still be here
ALL: ::singing:: Here! Here HERE! STiiiillll here.
As long as you hold me
Legolas: Meeeeeee!
In your memories
Gimli: Memory loss can be a good thing!
Remember
Legolas: The Titanic!
When your dreams have ended
Elladan: When the fans desert their fantasies...
Time can be transcended
Elrohir: Yeah. When you're dead. It's such a comforting thought.
Just remember me
Gimli: Why? What did you ever do for me that I should maintain your existence, you parasite!
I am the one star that keeps burning so brightly
ESM: Toasty.
It is the last light to fade into the rising sun
ESM: All right. Enough Josh Groban for you...
And with you whenever you tell my story
Elrohir: Is it over yet? Story is long enough. I hate this song.
For I am all I’ve done
Elladan: You're also all you've failed to do.
Remember I will still be here
Legolas: Your skeleton in the closet. Yours, truly.
As long as you hold me
Gimli: I'm not fond of holding corpses.
In your memories
Gimli: No, not even figuratively.
Remember me
Elrohir: Can't. You killed off too many braincells.
I am that one voice in the cold wind that whispers
Elrohir: Really? Cool. So now I can ignore the wind-whispers.
And if you listen you will hear me call across the sky
ESM: As you play telephone with some other dead Mary Sue?
As long as I still can reach out and touch you
All: AHHH!
Then I will never die
Legolas: Ha! Too late!
Remember I’ll never leave you
Gimli: I really would prefer to forget.
If you will only Remember me
ESM: Take the broom, take the dustpan, and get out of my way!
Remember I will still be here
Legolas: Stagnation is good for nobody, I've always heard.
As long as you hold me
ESM: Somebody ring me up on my cellphone. It doesn't work in here but I'd like to think someone was...
In your memories
Elladan: I like the ones that focus on your violent death. But only to a point. We have other victims.
Remember
Elrohir: All the lies you told me!
When your dreams have ended
Gimli: ::singing:: Make yourself feel better...
Time can be transcended
ALL: NOOO!
Remember me
ESM: Breathe...
Remember me
ESM: Breathe...
Remember me
ESM: Breathe...
Fin
ALL: HALLELUJAH!
A/N: sob it’s over.......
Legolas: ::caustically:: Sobbing with joy...
Sorry it had to end that way,
Gimli: Me too, but hey, at least it ended!
but i got kinda tired with it,
Elladan: Aww, but we were all having SO much FUN!
and I didn’t want to write any more of it...
ESM: I love you.
sorry!!!!
Legolas: Don't apologize for THAT!.
Now, you have to wait till another good idea
Elrohir: Is there a good idea you've had that we haven't heard about?
pops into my head for another fic......
Gimli: We shall hope it pops just as quickly out of your head.
c ya!
ALL: No thank you.
Legolas: ::ponders:: That it isn't the tenth?
ESM: This is true!
ESM: ::interjecting:: "Leggy" to his worst caluminators!
Elrohir: ...noticed. You ruined my line, Essie.
ESM: ::sheepish:: Let's pretend I'm sorry and forget about it, eh, Ro?
Elrohir: . . .Right.
Gimli: (mallorn rod) THWACK!!!
ESM: In a wheelbarrow.
Gimli: Good point.
Elrohir: I assume they were Elves?
Elladan: Of course, why wouldn't they be?
Elrohir: Oh, I was just making sure. For some reason there seems to have been a need of late to state that the servants were Elves...
Gimli: Meros?
ESM; No, Me-ro. Like Euros, only for Middle Earth.
Elrohir: What's a Euro?
Legolas: What, peace? Storming out?
Gimli: Thinking.
Legolas: Well they can both die for all I care.
ESM: I've decided to be grateful that we weren't dragged through a long absence-of-thought process to come to this emotional conclusion, it was just presented.
Gimli: I, too, am grateful.
Legolas: It's a silver lining of great value to our sanity, indeed.
Elrohir: ::worried:: What if the consequences are kids?
ESM: Middle-Earth is in for some tragedy, I would guess.
Gimli: What? Even I'm lost, my friend.
Legolas: It's the lemonade.
Gimli: That's a milkshake.
Legolas: Well how am I supposed to know that?!
ALL: Aye!
Legolas: On the other hand, I just thought of something. If you were deaf, you wouldn't have heard me.
Gimli: We're selectively deaf.
ESM: Good riddance.
Legolas: What? Aren't dogs man's best friend?
ESM: Well I ain't a man!
Elladan: (Legolas(!!)) My, she's really gained weight to make the earth shake like that. May have to call off the engagement. My secret plan to stab her in the marriage bed may be thwarted by all the new layers of blubber.
ESM: You are so gross. Get away from me.
Elladan: Like all fangirls.
ESM: Hasn't worked for me.
Legolas: You don't have any fangirls!
ESM: Hmph.
Elrohir: Essie, you're--
ESM: I mean, her parents saw the Legolas(!!)/Nienna relationship thing and even encouraged it. Did they say anything about a betrothal?
Elrohir: No. But it's--
ESM: ::gets louder:: She gets to this forest and her grumpy old grandma who doesn't let her sleep around or dance with hobbits watches silently while the relationship gets more and more out of hand.
Elrohir: Essie! Listen!
ESM: ::practically screaming:: And then grumpy grandma suddenly decides to make up a betrothal to a border warden. What kind of twaddle is this?
Elrohir: Essie! Shut up! It's not supposed to make sense! It's fanfiction! Fanatics made it! Fanatics can't think straight! It's not understandable! ::hyperventilates::
ESM: Hey. No need to get so excited.
Legolas: Yeah. Legolas(!!)'s tunic must be getting pretty wet.
Gimli: ::chuckling:: You mean the great Ranger couldn't figure out what was the matter just by the shape of the footprints?
Legolas: Elf footprints, Gimli?
Gimli: Oh. True.
Elladan: But there were spikes hidden underneath the pads.
"She is dying, I'm afraid, My Lord, 'tis of heartbreak, there is nothing that we can do."
Legolas: It was the death-tear, remember?
ESM: ::rolls eyes::
“Legolas, promise me, that if I die, you will live on and you will love again, promise me this!" A tear rolled slowly down her cheek, as Legolas kneeled, and held her hand,
"I promise," he answered,
Legolas: ::throws a soda can at Elladan's head::
ESM: No rioting in my presence!
Elrohir: Oh, good grief.
Gimli: She went to one of Arwen's balls.
Elladan: Oh, yeah. Cuz sis is always having balls.
ESM: Like milk.
Legolas: Except she already smells.
Legolas: Wha?
Gimli: Extra?
Elrohir: Just a few?
Elladan: Not too important, eh?
Legolas: Oh crackling calamari. Not another song.
ESM: I thought it was the Titans.
Legolas: Do we care?
ESM: No. Not at all. I didn't like that milkshake.
ESM: And MAYBE you exist independently of your actions.
I live forever
Legolas: You know, I have no idea what we said during that song, but, I don't think it made any sense.
ESM: You mean the experiment to make our brains all turn to jelly is working?
Elrohir: At least we won't be so miserable anymore, once they lock us up...