"Feminism and Michigan"
A/N: for those of you that are confused:
Legolas: For instance, me.
Nienna's parents came to Rivendell
ESM: What? They did? Who is Nienna?
the same way she did,
Gimli: Which was....through a plot hole?
but through a different portal.
ESM: Ah, I see, I think...
I got this from a Polish (yes I can read, write, and speak in Polish)
Gimli: In that case, I’m more inclined to be lenient with your grammatical errors.
comic called, W.I.T.C.H.
Elrohir: The acronym does not encourage me.
in this there are basically 2
ESM: Lyke, 4 real?!!11!?
worlds, that of Meridian and Earth. There's lots of portals between the 2 worlds, and they are in many different places, is that good enough?
Elladan: No! Never!
Sry it took so long to update.
Legolas: I would forgive you, except you did update at last.
Ok, on with the chappy!
ESM: Lalalalalala. Bore me some more, why don’t you?
Chapter 5-
Gimli: Look, Legolas, your favorite number!
Olwë lunged at Legolas and they ensued battle.
ESM: Please, don’t abuse the words.
As Olwë pushed Legolas out of the way,
Elladan: Legolas(!!) is so pathetic.
Nienna unsheathed her sword.
Elrohir: ::frowns:: Who wears their swords in Rivendell? To the Council, even!
She did everything to keep Olwë from hurting her, but he still succeeded in giving her a few minor cuts.
Legolas: Only minor cuts, eh? ::disappointed sigh::
Then Olwë cornered Nienna, but before he could kill her Legolas stabbed him in the back.
Legolas: Blast!
Olwë toppled onto her as he died,
ESM: And squashed her flatter than roadkill!
and when Legolas pulled him away, he saw that she had fainted under his weight.
Elrohir: No comment.
An hour later,
Elladan: Precisely.
Nienna opened her eyes,
Gimli: Hurray.
and saw a pair of crystal blue ones looking at her.
Legolas: What? Just the eyes?!
She jumped in fright,
Elrohir: I think anybody would! Couple of eyes staring at you...
but was held down by the elves' hands.
Gimli: How many elves?
"Amin n' nauva gorgaer, híril Nienna. Amin naa sin mellon." Nienna relaxed at this and smiled, it was then that she noticed that this was the other female elf from the fellowship.
Legolas: Bit slow, is she?
"Mani naa essa en lle?" she asked. And the maiden replied, "Ireth Elanessë." Then Legolas entered the room via the balcony
Legolas: Just like, what's his name, Romeo?
and Ireth left.
Gimli: Hurray.
He walked up to the side of her bed and
Legolas: handed her an eviction notice.
smiled at her. Nienna smiled back, and launched into a long stream of questions, when she was halfway through, Legolas put up a hand to silence her.
Gimli: The hand consisted of a royal flush, and won him her heart, when she was halfway done swooning, Saruman silenced her with a palantir.
Just then, Nienna's parents came in and Legolas left them alone.
ESM: Careful, Nienna will develop a complex and expect everyone to leave her if this pattern of being abandoned keeps up.
A week later, the fellowship was ready to depart from Rivendell.
Gimli: I don't know about you, Legolas, but I prefer to have the word "Fellowship" capitalized. It isn't any common fellowship Master Elrond's council concocted, after all.
Nienna was standing next to Ti, Ireth, Legolas, and a female hobbit, whose name was Tigerlily Brockhouse, as she had found out earlier. (A/N: now you know all the extra Fellowship ppl, heehee!)
Elrond: So, the authoress believes the Fellowship could have been improved upon by adding four females?
As they set out, Nienna could faintly hear Frodo saying to Gandalf, "Which way is Mordor, Gandalf?"
ESM: ::bored:: Movie-verse. That line gets old fast.
and Nienna smiled at this remembering it from the Extended Edition of the Fellowship.
ESM: Blah blah blah.
They headed towards the Misty Mountains, and Nienna remembered that they would be passing through Caradhras then on to Moria.
Legolas: Heh, it was actually more like plodding halfway up Caradhras and then down again and THEN on to Moria.
The next day they reached a rock formation that was close to the mountains.
Gimli: What?
Here the Fellowship decided to stay for the night. Nienna plopped down on a smooth, flat boulder,
ESM: Um, ow?
and proceeded to take out her CD player, along with speakers, because
Elrohir: It was her job to attract as much attention to the Fellowship as possible?
Tigerlily had asked her what recorded music sounded like, as opposed to live music.
ESM: Nevermind that a hobbit would probably never be able to fathom digitalia.
Nienna put in her FOTR soundtrack, and turned it to number two, Concerning Hobbits.
Legolas: Hooray, now we get to listen to her music. Everyone be amazed at the magic appliance.
As Tigerlily listened with round eyes, Nienna looked out
Legolas: With square eyes.
onto the horizon. She saw what she had dreaded ever since they had come to the formation, she quietly packed away her things, much to the disappointment of Tigerlily,
Gimli: I suppose for entertainment's sake I should refrain from reconstructing that grammatical abomination?
OTHERS: YES!!!
and waited until the fellowship noticed the Crebain.
Elrohir: Why didn't she say anything?
As if on queue,
ESM: ::laughs:: Was he standing in line? It's cue, dear, cue.
Legolas announced that they were Crebain,
ESM: Good lord, that sounds so funny!
and everyone hid.
Elrohir: (Fellows) No! I'm not a crebain! Aaaaa! I need to hide to cover my shame at just now finding out I'm a crebain!
From her hiding spot, Nienna could see Legolas,
Gimli: Eh, I think you need a better hiding spot, Legolas(!!).
and an apple, in the middle of them,
Elrohir: In the middle of who? Or what?
a bright red apple.
ESM: You....told us that....already....
Nienna remembered that elves had magical powers
Elladan: What are you talking about?
and decided to try to use them (nice timing, eh?)
ESM: ::seethes:: ENOUGH WITH THE CONCEITED ASIDES! LET'S TALK ABOUT CHICKENS INSTEAD! ::tears at hair and kicks the seat in front of her viciously::
. She closed her eyes and in her mind saw the apple come to her open hand,
Gimli: Ah, imagination. It's a wonderful thing, until it's abused.
just then she felt a small weight in her hand,
Legolas: It was a stone.
and she opened her eyes. Nienna smiled triumphantly, and put the apple in her pocket.
Legolas: (Nienna) Mwahaha, now Merry and Pippin will starve!
Across from her, in a patch of bushes, Legolas watched her with a small smile on his lips.
Legolas: (Legolas(!!)) Ha! She took the poisoned apple! I knew her ego would make my job easy! Now for Ireth...
After the incident with the birds,
ESM: It took a while to clear up the mistaken notion that the Fellowship was Crebain.
the fellowship made their way to Caradhras with a quickened pace. When the snow started falling, Nienna stopped the fellowship,
Elrohir: Using her newfound psi-powers! Ph34r h3r!
insisting that the hobbits need to rest before the big climb.
ESM: (Nienna) The hobbits need to rest!
She then pulled out a map that her mother had given to her in Rivendell. This map showed where every portal to her world was, and where they led.
ESM: Now if that isn't convenient, I don't know what is!
Nienna saw that, conveniently, the closest portal led to a mall, where she could buy some warm coats for the hobbits.
Legolas: I, uh, they were fine without these "warm coats", you know. I mean, they weren't going to get any warmer, I mean...oh it's no use arguing with a Sue.
OTHERS: ::stare anxiously::
Nienna went to consult with Gandalf, and ask him if it was all right.
ALL: Wow!
"Gandalf," she said, "can I pass into my world for a short time to purchase some warm coats for the hobbits?" Gandalf just simply nodded his head, preoccupied with the coming dangers.
Legolas: So predictable.
Nienna smiled and went to a small patch of trees. When the world stopped spinning,
ESM: One part got shriveled by the constant sunlight, another part got shriveled by the lack of sunlight, and the rest became a sort of eternal netherworld. Everything died. It was the end of the world.
she found herself outside the Great Lakes Crossing mall (lol, yes it's a real mall in MI).
ESM: I. Don't. Care!
She looked down at herself, and smiled thinking,
Legolas: (Nienna) WHAT is UP with these NEON GREEN SOCKS?
'The Valier have great fashion sense!'
Elrond: First weapons to the Council, then telekinetic elves, now the Valar are all fashion divas!
She then looked in her purse and found
Gimli: An earthworm.
a credit card, along with a note that read, 'Buy anything you want,
Elrohir: (note) We want you to get in trouble for identity theft.
and we'll pay for it.' "They're rich too!"
ESM: I did not know the Valar had set up credit lines. Hmm. That would be one fun case of identity theft. Who do they bank with?
she said quietly to herself.
ESM: Ah! She talks to herself!
"Who's rich?" she heard someone say behind her, and she whipped around, to see a guy with medium length blonde hair.
ESM: Really? I'm pretty sure even Tolkien and PJ agree it was *long* hair. What canon be you following now, glorwen?
"Oh great! Why are you here, Legolas?" she asked him, and he answered, "because, I
Elladan: (Legolas(!!)) Am your creepy stalker dude!
didn't want you to be alone." Nienna rolled her eyes,
Legolas: (Nienna) Like I could be *alone* in a freaking *mall*!
and started waling
ALL: Huh?
towards the mall, Legolas falling in step beside her. "So, why are we here," he asked.
Gimli: Witness the revolution of the punctuation marks. A comma now delineates a question!
Nienna replied, "Because I know that the hobbits will get really cold, and I want to buy them some coats.
Legolas: Don't worry, Gimli, I'll find those quotation marks for you! Just hang on.
Nienna then stepped into the Gap.
Elrond: Of Rohan?
When Nienna and Legolas returned,
Legolas: Shoot, they returned?
they gave the hobbits the coats,
ESM: (Pippin, insulted) What do you mean, you had to buy JUNIOR sizes?! I'm a grown hobbit!
and the Fellowship started off again.
Elrohir: ::sighing:: Because Nienna said they could.
As Nienna walked behind Legolas, Pippin fell into step beside her. "Can you sing us one of your songs, Milady?"
Elrond: I hope not.
he asked. Nienna smiled and nodded.
ALL: NOOOOOO! ::try to run for door, but are mysteriously confined to their seats::
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance.
ESM: ::slightly consoled:: Hey, it's Sarah McLachlan. ::voice quivering:: I like Sarah McLachlan...but not this song...
For a break that will make it okay
Legolas: I'll settle for an extra-hasty end of this song.
there's always some reason to feel not good enough
Elrohir: Except for a Mary Sue, says page sixteen.
and it's hard at the end of the day.
Gimli: What is?
I need some distraction.
ESM: Ditto.
Oh beautiful release
ALL: RELEASE?!?!?!?!
memories seek from my veins
ESM: Ten bucks if you can figure out what *THAT* means.
and may be empty oh weightless
Elladan: Just like a Mary Sue's grip on reality.
and maybe I will find some peace tonight in the arms of the angel fly away from here from this star cold
ESM: Isn't that "*stark* cold"? Just wondering...
hotel room and the endlessness that you feel
Elrohir: We've been here for an endless amount of time...
you are pulled from the racket of your silent reverie
Elladan: Ah, finally a line that makes sense!
your in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here.
Gimli: Sure. Thanks. Go away now.
So tired of the straight line
Elrohir: Elves like curvesssss!
and every where you turn and there's vultures and thieves at your back
Legolas: ::curiously:: Because you're a commander of the Dark Side?
the storm keeps on twisting
ESM: You can just say tornado. Really, you can.
keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you lack
Legolas: A-ha! I like this song. That is the honest truth about Mary Sue authors.
it don't make no difference you escape them one last time it is easier to believe
Legolas: Yup. It's easier to believe you're a psi-powered, athletic, irresistablely clever beauty queen than a normal, flawed human being.
then this sweet madness oh there's glory or sadness
Elrohir: C'est la vie!
that brings me to my knees
Gimli: Faster than an Uruk's arrows.
in the arms of the angel fly away from here
Elladan: All right, that's enough repetion.
from this star cold hotel room and the endlessness
Elrohir: I'd like to emphasis the word "endlessness" again.
that you feel you are pulled from the racket of your silent reverie
ESM: ::yawns::
your in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here.
Elladan: (Nienna, suggestively) Anybody wanna be my angel?
You in the arms of
ESM: ::howling:: You in da arrms uff da ahnjel, may ya find some swee' southe'n comfo't hyeh!
the angel may you find some comfort here.*Sarah McLachlan- In The Arms Of The Angel
ESM: Hahaha, she can't even get the title right. It's called "Angel".
As Nienna finished, the Fellowship was silent,
Legolas: It's astonishing how long-suffering this Fellowship always is. The Sue sings, and they're always polite enough to at least follow the old "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all".
and when she looked down at Pippin, he was smiling.
Elrohir: (Pippin) Your pathetic attempt to cheer me up with a depressing song is very amusing in a dark way, as I am now sufficiently motivated to KILL YOU!
Gimli: She’s a Mary Sue.
ESM: A what?
Legolas: A very, very, very troublesome genre of fictional characters who tend to want me for a lover. Isn’t the definition in MSTing for Dummies?
ESM: Yes.
Legolas: Why are you acting so clueless?
Elladan: Who are you kidding? She's always clueless.
ESM: Yeah! ....what?
ESM: That does not mean, however, that our persuasion will be put into practice.
ESM: Quiet, Elladan. I’m trying to read.
Elladan: ::purses lips and shoots a death-glare at Essie::
Legolas: Do not tempt the Powers That Be.
Legolas: Joy.
Gimli: I guess that means this will be your favorite chapter!
Legolas: No, I’m fairly disinclined to like any chapter more than the others. Or dislike any chapter less than the others.
Elrohir: We get the point, mellon.
Gimli: She obviously didn’t do EVERYTHING to keep him from hurting her, if he managed to hurt her.
Elladan: Everything would be overkill, anyway.
Gimli: Roadkill?
ESM: Oh yeah, I forgot you don't have cars and asphalt.
Gimli: I feel so enlightened.
Legolas: You're funny, Ro.
Elrohir: Thank you. It was always my ambition to be funny.
Elladan: Why did I never hear of this ambition?
ESM: 1200 seconds later.
ESM: Creepy.
Elladan: Eyeballs floating in the air...
Legolas: And then all of a sudden, they decide to have a fascination with YOU! Yes, it would be time to be scared.
ESM: Does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Elladan: Not that one again.
Elrohir: That story didn't end too well.
Elladan: Ah, depends on what you call well. Don't we want them both dead?
Elrohir: You have a point, brother.
Gimli: And it makes your face look queer.
Elladan: What?
Gimli: Nothing.
Elladan: Disgraceful.
Gimli: What is that face for, Essie?
ESM: I was trying to decide whether having so many female OC's join the Fellowship was a good sign or a bad.
Elrohir: Definitely bad.
ESM: Actually, I mean, a bad sign or a very bad sign?
ESM: I don't know...oh wait, yes I do. Movie-verse again.
Gimli: I was just going to say, rock formations are very commonly found close to mountains.
Elladan: Oh, I don't know, Merry's been doing a pretty good job here.
ESM: Ha. You believe that?
Elladan: I...er...yes?
ESM: ::shakes head:: I thought you were more perceptive than that. He's got problems with the *microwave*!
Gimli: For the number of times CD-toting Mary Sues have made the Fellowship listen to the Lord of the Rings movie soundtrack, we ought to be able to hum it ourselves.
Legolas: ::dry laugh:: I think we do, in some fics I've seen.
ESM: Page fourteen in your little book, my dear Ro.
OTHERS: (quoting in chorus) If a Sue does not outright steal a vital line from a main character, she at least informs the readers that she knew about it all beforehand and out of respect for canon allows the other character to continue in his or her canonical role.
ESM: ::sighing:: It's gnosticism, really.
Elladan: ::wipes eyes, grinning:: Legolas(!!) is so stupid....
ESM: (Legolas, "on queue") Dear friends, now is the time for me to announce that you are all Crebain!
Legolas: I think she wants to turn the apple a nice dull grey with a few garbled words.
Elrohir: Aiyi.
Legolas: (to Elrohir) Personally, I don't see the point of her being here, because she's already a nutjob.
OTHERS: ::exchange unimpressed glances::
Gimli: When did random Elves become telekinetic?
Elladan: Just now.
Legolas: Gimli ordered Legolas(!!) to take some quality grammar classes ASAP.
OTHERS: ::blink::
Elladan: How do you do that?!
Legolas: (Frodo) Rest? We just rested this morning!
ESM: (Nienna) Shut up, Frodo. What, do you think you're in a position of authority on this pleasure trip?
Gimli: (Sam) Pleasure trip...I must not have gotten the memo?
Elladan: (Merry) I think she's touring with the wrong Fellowship if this is a pleasure trip. You need to find that party of orcs who signed you on as guide. They're probably lost by now.
ESM: (Nienna) Quiet, fools! I say rest, and I mean, REST!
Elrohir: (Pippin) Well, if you say so...what about an aftermidnight tea?
Gimli: She would have gone anyway if he had said no, so it makes little difference.
ESM: I happen to like neon green.
Elrohir: It's the way the Mary Sue world goes round... ::frowns:: Or up and down...or however it goes...
Legolas: ::announcer voice:: This riff brought to you courtesy of Eowyn.
Elladan: He's channeling Eoywn now?
Elladan: Like some people we know...
Elrohir: You only just noticed that?
ESM: Aw, shuddup.
Elladan: Oh! My heart is broken!
Elrohir: ::pouting beautifully:: I think I'm going to cry, Essie...
ESM: ::ignores them stonily::
ESM: Hey, that's *my* line!
ESM: Where did you get to be such a fanatical expert on English punctuation, Gimli?
Legolas: You never used to be like this in Middle-Earth.
Gimli: Ah, well, I'm not sure. May have been the ride here addled something or other. Uhm...don't look at me like that.
Gimli: That's quite all right, Legolas, I think I can survive.
Legolas: Are you SURE? Your beard looks a little pale. Essie, do you know how to revive a fainted Dwarf?
ESM: ::impatiently:: Yeah, by waving Elf in front of him.
ESM: And Saruman's spies captured her...
Elladan: And they wouldn't believe she was actually one of them...
Legolas: So they tortured her...
Gimli: Until the Witchking happened to drop in for tea...
Elrohir: And asked for a tour...
ESM: And it turned out the intercom had broken that day...
Legolas: Due to a bit of trouble with the local earthworms...
Elrohir: Thus the Witchking stumbled across his slave
Gimli: In a MOST disturbing state...
Elladan: And he watched the show.
Elrond: The End.
ALL: ::applaud::
OTHERS: ::stare in utter terror::
Gimli: Say no say no say no say no say no....
Legolas: Gimli, you *jinxed* it!
ESM: ::whimpers::
Gimli: It's all right, Essie... ::notices his hand is shaking:: Or not...
Elrohir: ::voice also quivering:: I-I th-thought sh-she said it was one of h-her s-songs.
Elladan: ::frantically:: Then we can sue her for plagiarism!
ESM: ::moaning:: Why did it have to be the one Sarah Mclachlan song I *don't* like?!
ESM: This is pure, unadulturated, torture.
Legolas: It just got even more endless since this song started.
OTHERS: ::glare::
Elladan: What? I was being sarcastic!
ESM: I fear for your soul, Dan.
ESM: ::smiles approvingly::
OTHERS: ::laugh humorlessly::
Legolas: ::rests head on hand::
Elrohir: Where did you grow up, again?
Elladan: Er, the stables?
Elrohir: ::death glare::
Elladan: ....eep....
Gimli: ::matter-of-factly:: I'm grossed out now. Good job, Essie.
ESM: What, no applause?
Legolas: Shoot, she ascribed it to its rightful owner.
Gimli: Not that we're being self-righteous, or anything...
ESM: Ye di-na like tha song?