"King of the Dead"
Chapter 2- The King
Gimli: Of the Dead.
Author's note: Disclaimer, no i only own the weird named people, like Idril and Nienna.
Elrohir: Those aren't weird names! Idril is my paternal great-grandmother's name!
Translations are at the bottom
ESM: Of the sea...
, by the way. Sorry that the first chappy was so short!
Legolas: I hate it when they say that. It means the next one will be longer.
Everywhere she turned her head,
Elladan: She was still surrounded by dead people.
Nienna heard elvish,
Elrohir: ::monotone:: Yay, elvish.
luckily, her parents had sent her to Texas for a year to learn at the university Tolkien's languages,
Gimli: That IS convenient. My parents never did that.
and she had her dictionary with her, just in case.
ESM: I knew there was gonna be some more magic backpacks involved.
"Lhaw, Adar, i mîr!" Someone said as some music floated through the elaborate palace, from one group of elves.
Elrohir: What in the world does "Listen, father, the jewel" have to do with anything?
Idril pulled Nienna
Gimli: Like an obstinate cur.
along to the King's study. As she entered, she saw an even more elaborate room, and she saw a mirror,
Elrohir: Oo, wow. A mirror. You don't see one of those everyday.
and when she looked at her reflection, she thought,
Gimli: (Nienna) Why am I reflecting on my reflection?
'Oh crap, now I'M an elf, hey. I look good in dresses and pointy ears!'
Elladan: (Nienna) Too bad I'm dead so it doesn't matter anyway.
Idril cleared her throat quite loudly,
Legolas: ::offended:: I sincerely hope that our ladies-in-waiting have better manners than that!
jarring Nienna from her thoughts, and pulling her away from her reflection.
ESM: Idril certainly is violent.
As she looked at the opening door in front of her it finally hit her,
ESM: Because she was too dumb to get out of the way.
she was meeting Thanduril, Leggy's dad!
Elladan: Hey, looks like you're safe, Legolas!.
'Better not call him Leggy,'
ESM: (Nienna) For octopi tend to take that nickname as an insult.
she thought a faint smile coming to her face.
Gimli: Um...I'm still looking for the lost comma that would have made the sentence make sense.
Then King Thanduril came in followed by Legolas (!!).
Elrohir: Another of your cousins, Legolas?
"Hello, Nienna," he said, and she replied, "hello your majesty."
Elrohir: Your uncle likes an informal court, doesn't he?
"You may sit," he said as he motioned to the chair behind her, and they both sat, while Legolas stood
Gimli: Legolas was there too?
and Idril was dismissed.
Elladan: No it doesn't, Essie, it just got smaller.
Nienna sat on the chair uneasily
Legolas: Someone had stuffed it with pinecones.
and listened to the king
Elrohir: Hey! When did your uncle become king?
babble on about why she was there,
Gimli: Which could be easily accomplished by pronouncing the simple fact, "You're dead."
the thing that caught her attention, though, was when he
ESM: (narrator) Saw a fly and swatted it. "Ah," he said, as the fly, which had undoubtedly been killed, started to buzz around again. "Now she is one of my subjects too. Miss Fly, go bother a human!"
mentioned the Council of Elrond, which was the chapter she was currently on in the book.
ESM: Ya mean she hasn't read farther than that? We're doomed! It's all going to be movie-verse!
Thanduril said that she would accompany his son, Legolas, on the journey there.
Elrohir: When did your uncle become your father?
He then told Legolas to take her to her room.
Elladan: (Thanduril) She was a bad, bad girl! Spank her on the way!
As they were walking, there was an awkward silence, which was broken by Legolas.
Gimli: (Legolas) Oops! I didn't mean to break it...I'll pay for it...I'm sorry...
"So, are you excited to be able to attend the Council of Elrond, milady?" Nienna thought about it for a minute and said, "Well,
Elrohir: (Nienna) No. I'd much rather paint my toenails.
I guess so, I mean it sounds like a great honor.
ESM: ::wistfully:: I'd like to hear what a great honor sounds like.
Oh and by the way, you can call me Nienna."
Gimli: (Nienna, superciliously) Even if you are only the adopted son of the king.
"Oh, then Nienna, you have permission to call me Legolas." Nienna inwardly rolled her eyes,
ESM: How did she do that? You need to teach me so I don't get in trouble with people for rolling my eyes outwardly!
and thought, 'I guess the whole "A Diversion!" thing in the movie really was him,
Legolas: That's an insult.
to bad, he would've been a great boyfriend.'
Legolas: ::taking heart:: Does that mean she's repudiating me?
"Here is your room, Nienna." Legolas said, pulling the tall doors
Elladan: Of the Kingdom of the Dead's jail cell
open. "Thank you Legolas!"
Gimli: Who said that?
and he left her.
ESM: (Nienna, hysterically a la Lex a la Jurassic Park) He left me! He left me!
Nienna looked around the room,
Elrohir: Since, like all Sues, the snoopy streak ran deep in her.
and saw that it was an elaborate (yet again) room
Gimli: ::sadly:: Alas, yes, it was yet another room. How monotonous is life in your uncle's palace, Legolas!
with a small balcony through an arched door way and a nice bathroom with a tub and a sink.
Legolas: Sink indeed. More like a tub and a silver basin with a crystal pitcher.
'Guess these beings don't pee!'
ESM: ::glaring:: Or MAYBE indoor plumbing didn't exist yet! MAYBE the necessary house is OUTSIDE like it always was until very recently!
When she came back into the room, she spotted a four- poster bed,
Elladan: ::bewildered:: Now how do you look around a room and miss a four-poster bed?
on which she flopped down and promptly went to sleep.
Legolas: Yes, I'm being bored to sleep too.
Legolas smiled as he closed Nienna's door behind her.
Legolas: Oh dear.
'This is gonna be one heck of an adventure!' Legolas thought to himself.
Legolas: ::hotly:: I thought no such thing!
The next morning,
ESM: Okay. You never did tell us what time it was when she went to bed, so this is a bit of a surprise, but that's okay. I can handle it. I don't need to know everything. It's okay.
Nienna was woken up by a very flustered elf,
Elladan: (flustered elf) Why am I the one who has to wake up the dead person? Summon a witch! A wizard! The local dragon! Not ME!
who said that she had been attempting to wake her for the past half-hour,
Legolas: Kid sleeps soundly. Not much of an elf yet, in spite of the ears.
and that she had fifteen minutes until breakfast was to be served.
ESM: Eh, that's nothing. I could do it with 11 minutes to spare.
Nienna jumped out of bed,
Elladan: But she jumped too far and ended up going through the window.
and quickly threw a fresh dress on, ran a brush through her hair and remembered that she didn't know how to get to the dining hall.
ESM: Does a Mary Sue HAVE to be so clueless?
Just then as if coming at her bidding,
Legolas: ::monotone:: Haha, it's me.
a knock sounded at the door.
ESM: Trick or treat!
The servant elf
Legolas: Here we go with the servant elves again.
opened it, and Nienna saw Legolas standing there, waiting to escort her.
ESM: No. Freaking. Way.
"Mãnré, híril," Legolas said bowing.
Elrohir: (Legolas) I want you to know that you are a lazy bum who can't get up on time, and that you have the most disgusting morning breath, and that the servants are expecting you in the scullery to get a broom and sweep the kitchens.
Mãnré, mãn ernil," Nienna replied also bowing. They linked arms and Legolas steered her
ESM: (Nienna) Lookie at me! Now I'm a shiny BMW!
towards the dining hall. When they walked in, they were greeted by a group of elflings,
ESM: ::titters::
rushing out of the hall, to play in the gardens, they were followed by a caretaker, who hastily
Legolas: but carefully, as it was her wont, and, indeed, career to take care,
bowed to Legolas, and continued her pursuit of the elflings.
Elladan: (Caretaker) Come back here, you ungrateful scoundrels! Give me back my wig!
Nienna smiled at the children and thought,
ESM: (Nienna, thinking) They are so squishy!
'Wow, they're just like human kids, just a lot
ESM: Squishier.
older.' Legolas steered her past a
ESM: Iceberg only to send her sprawling into a pit.
group of giggling girls,
Elladan: Ha. Alliteration.
and up to the high table where the king sat.
Elrohir: Your uncle lets groups of girls giggle in his breakfast hall, Legolas.
As Thanduril watched his son
Elladan: His name is Legolas(!!) , for those who have forgotten.
and the lady Nienna
ESM: I want to know how she got to be a lady.
enter the hall, he thought, 'I've never seen
Elrohir: (Thanduril) ::Hic::
Legolas this
Elrohir: (Thanduril) ::Hic::
happy before, and only after one
Elrohir: (Thanduril) ::Hic::
day!'
Elladan: (Thanduril) He must be ::hic:: pleased at my flaw- ::hic:: -less running of ::hic:: his kingdom...I mean my kingdom...
He watched them come and sit at the high table
Elrohir: Until he got too dizzy from watching their quick movements.
and he smiled down at them.
Elladan: Awww, he smiled down at them!
Nienna was amazed at how beautiful these elves were,
ESM: The only elves she'd seen before were the house elves from Harry Potter, and dude, they're so, lyke, UGLY!11!!!
and how the very hall seemed to glow with their presence.
Legolas: ::shrugs:: Or maybe just with torches.
"Ai, híril Nienna, tiresse gaya!" Legolas exclaimed.
Legolas: Why would Cousin Legolas(!!) say that?
"Ilye na vana si, mãn ernil," replied Nienna.
ESM: ::sigh:: DUH!
Legolas smiled, remembering that this was no ordinary (ahem) elf.
Elladan: Oh? Is it just an ordinary elf, then?
They ate deeply
ESM: That may not be very healthy...
knowing that for the next forty days they would have nothing
Legolas: Not even air to breathe.
but Lembas.
Gimli: I think she's saying that you can't hunt, Legolas.
After the feast, Nienna went to pack her pack,
Gimli: Wow, you pack a pack? Who would have guessed?
with the weapons laid out for her,
Elladan: (Random executioner elf) You get to choose which item I use to kill you. You're so lucky.
her supply of water
Legolas: Yes indeedy, we'll be rolling a twenty-gallon waterbarrel down the forests paths and road to Rivendell. Never leave home without plenty of water, my nurse always used to say...
and Lembas, her extra traveling clothes,
ESM: One of which was a ball gown.
and all the other stuff that was mentioned at the beginning.
Gimli: Plus some that wasn't mentioned at the beginning, no doubt. These backpacks have a tendency to take on department store proportions.
Surprisingly, it all fit well.
Elrohir: (Random executioner elf) Of course your bodybag fit well! I pride myself on accurate estimations of the size of my victims.
'Must be the magic of the elves,'
Elrohir: (Random executioner elf) How DARE you attribute my talent to "magic"?!
she thought to herself. As she finished
Gimli: ....thinking...
,she heard a knocking at the door, when she opened it, a servant elf
ALL: ::sigh::
was waiting, and he took her pack, and led her to the stables.
Gimli: And they eloped, and they lived happily for two centuries, until they had a baby, and its crying alerted some orcs to their whereabouts, and they were brutally killed, and the baby was brought up in a cavern once used for unspeakable tortures, and it is said that one day the baby will return, and she will be named Sue, and she will torment the Free peoples of Middle-Earth, until a new hero shall arise, and strike her down.
As Nienna and Legolas rode out of the gates,
ESM: You had gates? There were no gates mentioned in the Hobbit...
there was a large crowd wishing them well,
ESM: Wellwater would be rather more practical.
and a crowd of weeping girls, wishing that their beloved prince weren't going off into certain death.
Legolas: I like that! They trust me so much, do they?! I'll show them...
Translations: "Listen, Father, the jewel!"
Elladan: And STILL none of us are any more enlightened as to why that is in the story.
"Good day, my lady." "Good day my prince."
Gimli: Lalalala.
"Alas, lady Nienna, you gaze in awe!"
ESM: Yeah, Nienna, that's just so, you know, lyke, AWEFUL. Don't ever gaze in awe!
"All is beautiful here my prince."
Legolas: No, it isn't. Lots of things are not "beautiful here my prince."
Legolas: Soon Nienna will be naught more than one of his lowly subjects.
Legolas: And Nienna is a Vala.
Elladan: So say that they're weird again and we'll chop off y--
ESM: Ahem.
Elladan: Well, we won't tell you what.
Elrohir: It'll be a surprise.
Gimli: Er, we've already been saying she's going to be decapitated.
Elladan: ::defiantly:: So?
Elladan: ARGH! ::hits Essie::
ESM: What was that for... ::realizes what she's done:: I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, honestly!
Gimli: Quoting past Sues is a horrible offense, Essie.
ESM: ::cringes::
Elladan: At least, it would be, if we could do anything about it.
Elladan: I speak Elvish.
ESM: I didn't know your parents knew Texas existed.
Gimli: Neither did I. When did that happen?
BOTH: ::shrug::
OTHERS: ::stare::
Elrohir: ::urbanely:: What the heck.
Gimli: ::groans::
ESM: It doesn't even make sense in its own right, much less in this context.
Legolas: Ha, it was an hypnotic door.
ESM: ::laughing:: A hypnotic door...that's hilarious.
Elrohir: I didn't know you had a paternal uncle, Legolas.
Gimli: Is Leggy your little cousin, Legolas?
Legolas: ::rolls eyes and stares glumly at the screen, awaiting his doom::
Elladan: Preferring, in fact, the nickname 'Army'.
Legolas: No, actually that's my publicity double. The latest one.
ESM: How many have you gone through?
Legolas: Forty-two. ::sighs:: Most of them are dead, but a few are just paralyzed from the neck down.
Legolas: Apparently!
ESM: ::shakes head:: The party just keeps getting bigger.
ESM: How dare the fic contradict me.
Gimli: Unfortunately, the King had no idea Nienna was actually human, so when the fly started to terrorize her, he believed it was audaciously flaunting his order!
Gimli: I'm thinking Thranduil died and Thanduril took over the government and adopted Legolas.
Legolas: I'll settle for that explanation.
ESM: ::staring:: For a Dwarf, that's a remarkably accurate imitation of Legolas' voice!
Elladan: ::stonily:: It's a talent that is going to get him in very hot water as soon as we get out of here.
ESM: Yes, it was meant to be.
ESM: Well, we shall see.
Gimli: Wanna bet?
Elladan: ::exasperated:: Do you need money or something, Gimli?
Gimli: No, I'm just in a gambling mood.
Legolas: Apparently Nienna didn't bother to thank this Legolas so he had to thank himself on her behalf.
Elladan: It took her a while to realize it was in fact a room, though.
Gimli: I think she forgot her glasses.
Elrohir: Don't you think travelling with a dead person would be one heck of an adventure?
Legolas: No, I think it would be boring and quickly become quite noisome.
Legolas: Never would have guessed it, would you?
Elladan: Squishy? Uh, can anybody say: Random?
Elladan: ::glares::
Legolas: I know what's wrong. She's been watching too much Finding Nemo.
ESM: I have not! I haven't seen that movie for at least five days!
Elrohir: ::hopefully:: Of vipers?
ESM: No, it was a barbeque pit...
Gimli: ::roaring:: We're having Sue tonight!
Legolas: Huh. You think maybe I should repudiate him and take the crown myself?
Elrohir: No, I think the girls are drunk.
Legolas: That's right. Legolas is just his nickname.
Gimli: ::shakes head:: Awfully confusing.
Gimli: Wanna bet?
Legolas: Don't answer him, Essie.
ESM: Like an angel!
Elrohir: A drunk angel...
Elrohir: Maybe he had a few glasses before dawn, too.
Gimli: I think I've met some of these ordinary "(ahem) Elves".
Elladan: Careful, Dwarf.
Elrohir: No. She's implying that Legolas(!!) can't hunt. Legolas seems to have nothing but a cameo in this fic.
Legolas: ::suspiciously:: Since when did we start importing lembas?
Elladan: Revolution! It's your mad uncle, Legolas! Rebel, and take back your own!
Legolas: ::staring:: You're crazy.
Legolas: I'm not sure if I should applaud or be scared.
ESM: I would applaud.
Gimli: ::bows::
Elladan: Must'ave been the crazy uncle.
Elrohir: Uhm, they were crying over Legolas(!!), mellon nin.
Gimli: I think someone was threatening to harm an elder elf if he didn't disclose the whereabouts of a jewel that was supposed to be the dowry of the elder's daughter.
ESM: Eh, plausible enough.
Elrohir: For instance, some things are just plain bread.
Elladan: ::nods::