"Twue Wuv"
Hiya everyone!!!!! Thanks for reviewing, yes thanks even to the flames,
Legolas: By "flames" she means honest criticism, I suppose.
because they gave my quite a laugh!!!!!!
Elrohir: You have a quite? I don't know anybody else who has a quite. Is that why you're so obnoxious, because you have a quite?
Hold on... I sound like my grandma...
ESM: Then I hate your grandma, too.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
ALL: ::look on apathetically::
OK, got that out of my system....
Elladan: Eww. Use a Kleenex next time.
taiwanezegrl: thanx!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ESM: Kleenex.
Legolaz_luvs_ME: yes I do have connections to the gorgeous Mr. Bloom, so that means that, through me, you are connected to him through six degrees....!!!!
Legolas: ::bitterly:: So why don't you just write fanfics about him, and leave Middle-Earth out of it?
Sir Lady Alanna Cooper:
Elrohir: So....is it a guy or a girl?
I updated!!!!!!!
Elladan: (glorwen) AND downgraded.
Yume no Kokoro: i kno it does!!!!!! Hahaha c ya at skool!
Gimli: ::faints::
Chapter 7-
Elrohir: The days consisted of running. I have never met a day like that, in all my three millenia.
to reach Lórien. Legolas and Nienna ran next to each other the whole way.
Legolas: We're so...surprised.
‘Is he protecting me, or something?’ thought Nienna,
Gimli: That MUST be why he keeps loosening his best hunting knife in its sheath, and staring at me with those glazed over eyes.
a tad confused,
ESM: The murderous expression was disconcerting, to say the least.
but not totally ungrateful. As they neared the woods, on the 17th of January, 3018,
Elrohir: Uhmmm....any particular reason why you suddenly decided to put a date in your otherwise dateless ramblings, glorwen?
the Fellowship slowed and started to walk.
Elladan: The speed limit bill had passed three months earlier. There were now signs and stoplights everywhere.
As they entered the forest, they walked silently.
ESM: I'm bored.
All that could be heard was Gimli talking softly to the hobbits. “Stay close, young Hobbits!
Legolas: (Frodo) Do what he says, Pippin. You too, Merry. Sam, stay here and help Gimli babysit. I'm going to have a look at these mushrooms over here...
They say that a great sorceress lives in these woods.
ESM: Dontchya love it when people say "they" without actually identifying "them"? For all we know, the "they" could be none other than the speaker's alter egos!
An Elf-witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell. And are never seen again.
Gimli: I am not responsible for the above mis-punctuation.
Well, here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox.”
Legolas: Pride goeth before the fall.
Nienna smiled,
Legolas: Confident in the knowledge that whatever befell the Fellowship, Gimli could use his hawk eyes and fox ears for bartering.
and then stopped abruptly as an arrow was thrust at her. “Oh...” Gimli said,
Elladan: (Gimli) Is this the locals' tribal manifestation of romantic interest?
and then
ESM: (Gimli, a la Tess) Danny...uhh....there's water in the basement and the pilot light went out.
a really stuck-up looking elf
ESM: Ha! She's got a gift for description.
said, “The Dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark.” Nienna frowned profusely at this,
Gimli: Frowned...profusely...nope. Doesn't work. Nice try.
and then Aragorn said, “Haldir o Lórien. Henio aníron, boe ammen i dulu lîn. Boe ammen veriad lîn (Haldir of Lorien. We come here for help. We need your protection).”
Legolas: (Haldir) No kidding, dude, if all you've got are this Dwarf's petty hunting trophies. Although I suppose for a Dwarf it would be quite an accomplishment to catch a hawk and extract its eyes. How ever did you do it, shorty?
Then Gimli said, “Aragorn! These woods are perilous. We should go back.”
Elrohir: (Aragorn) Yes, yes. You said they were perilous earlier. And what perils have we met? None.
And finally to this, the arrogant one said,
Elrohir: (Haldir) You were caught exceeding the speed limit. You cannot go back. You may contest.
“You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back. Come. She is waiting.” The fellowship followed him,
Elrohir: (Aragorn) What do you mean, we're only allowed to cross the river after 9?!
and they traveled into Caras Galadhon.
Gimli: Excellent.
They walked up a lot of stairs,
ESM: That's always fun. There's alot of steps up the Mexican pyramids where Aztec priests used to tear out and eat their victims hearts and then push them off the top.
to the little clearing in the tree,
Elladan: Sometimes known as a flet.
and Nienna wasn’t to happy about that, because her feet hurt really badly, and all she wanted to do was sit down.
Legolas: How BORING. *I* wanted to go skydiving at that point.
When they reached the little tree house,
Elrohir: ::incensed:: HOLY VARDA! What does she think this is, a 5 year old's backyard?! It's not a "little tree house"!
a female elf told Nienna to follow her.
ESM: ::singing:: Come, follow follow follow follow me! Whither shall I follow follow follow thee? To the green wood to the green wood to the green wood green wood tree!
Nienna looked at Legolas
Elladan: (Nienna) What are my orders, chauvinist pig-master?
who nodded to her,
Gimli: (Legolas(!!)) Go on, slave. They will show you where to get the necessary equipment for my bath.
and she followed, hesitantly. The elf, who she found out was named Larien, and that she was a servant of the Lord and Lady.
Elrohir: No kidding?
“Vanimle sila tiri (Your beauty shines bright)!” she said to Nienna, and Nienna smiled and thanked her.
ESM: (Nienna) Because of course it's my fault I'm so good-looking.
When they stopped walking, Nienna found herself in a beautiful room that seemed to glow.
Legolas: Ever heard of candles, Nienna?
This room contained an elaborate bed,
ESM: It was the kind of bed you had to answer elaborate puzzles to reach. It got to the point where people were spending the whole night trying to get in, and then perforce had to leave before they'd even touched the pillows. On account of the invariably malicious mood this left people in, the room had been decommisioned until the arrival of Nienna.
that had intricate designs of leaves, and the such
Gimli: I know. You meant "and the like".
all around it. There was also a dresser made in the same way, with
Gimli: Saws and lathes and dowels and other carpentry tools.
the same designs on it. Nienna then looked to her left, and saw through an open door,
ESM: Ah. She saw through the door that was open. My head hurts.
a very large bathroom,
Elrohir: With water heaters and an expresso machine.
just as elaborate as the bedroom. Nienna smiled and she felt like she was home.
Legolas: Only she wasn't.
Then Larien tapped her on the shoulder, and held out a white dress that had diamonds sewed into the bodice, and long sleeves that flowed down to the floor.
ESM: Good grief! Why would you want sleeves down to the floor?
“Diola lle (thank you)!” Nienna said, “Ta vana (its beautiful)!” Larien smiled and left the room so that Nienna could change.
ESM: ::shrugging:: Real princesses aren't bothered by that sort of thing.
Nienna slipped the white dress on. It felt like water running over her skin,
ESM: That might be disconcerting.
and it fit perfectly. As soon as Nienna put it on, Larien charged
Gimli: CHAAARRGE!!!!
back into the room, holding a large wooden box,
Elladan: Like a coffin.
and a lot of hair supplies.
ESM: Lothlorien carried styling gel?
‘Oh, great, hair dressing time!’ Nienna thought sarcastically. When Larien was finished, which didn’t take long,
Elladan: Since her tecnique consisted of chopping and a few passes with the blow-dryer.
she opened the wooden box. Inside, on a small pillow, laid
Legolas: an egg a chicken.
a silver circlet that had sapphires and diamonds on it. Nienna gasped, and Larien simply said, “Lle naa vanima (you are beautiful)!”
ESM: Oookay. I know Elves enjoy beauty, and even Elves suck up to those in high places...but this is getting to be a bit...disturbing.
Nienna smiled and replied, “Diola lle (thank you)!” they smiled at each other,
Elladan: Nienna smiled because she thought she had just been paid a compliment, and Larien smiled because she'd just made a fool out of the newfound princess.
and Larien led her back to the little clearing, and Nienna faced her grandparents.
Legolas: (Celeborn) So what's this I hear about you, Nienna? Totalled five Earth cars before you were 14?
After Nienna talked to her Grandparents for a while,
ESM: She was astonished at how, like, old-fashioned they totally were.
she walked through the trees in search of her companions. She walked into the clearing where they were assigned to sleep. Nienna looked around, and noticed that Legolas wasn’t there.
Elladan: It's about time you noticed Legolas hasn't been in this story at all, Nienna!
She went over to Aragorn and said, “Manke naa Legolas (where is Legolas)?” Aragorn nodded his head in the direction of a patch of trees.
Elladan: Who would have thought! There's a patch of trees in this forest!
Nienna walked into the trees,
Gimli: Ouch.
and found herself five minutes later in a small grove.
Elladan: What kind of trees are they?
In the middle sat Legolas meditating.
Legolas: ::announcer:: Introducing a brand spanking new and improved stereotypical original character: Legolas meditating!
Not wanting to disturb him, Nienna turned to leave, but then she heard a distinct ‘no’ come from Legolas’ direction. Nienna turned back around and slowly walked toward him.
Elladan: (Nienna) I've told you over and over NOT to talk to yourself!
Legolas stood up and turned around. When he looked at Nienna, his breath caught in his throat.
ESM: 'Twas the phlegm that caught it there, capturing the poor breath in its ickiness. It took a considerable amount of coughing to free the breath.
Nienna smiled at this, and
Legolas: Legolas meditating was offended.
said, “'Quel undome, melamin (good evening, my love).” Legolas smiled at this, and by that time, Nienna was standing in front of him, and he cupped her chin in his hand, and brought her face up to his.
Elrohir: Which was very easy, as all it was was one of those awful Rivendell giftshoppe faces you paste on.
Nienna leaned forward, and their lips touched.
Elladan: (narrator) Legolas twitched in surprise. His hand almost involuntarily pushed Nienna's face away, emphatically. There was a loud crack, and the lovely elf-girl suddenly collapsed at his feet. Shocked, the Elf-prince stared blankly at the empty space which his paramour's entrancing countenance had lately occupied. He was awakened abruptly by the sound of a million voices from every corner of the forest, singing, "ding dong, the Sue is dead!". The people of Lothlorien crowded around him, shouting and chanting. Legolas protested, loudly proclaiming the Sue's death had been an accident. However, his cries were utterly futile. The crowds lifted him on their shoulders, and processed euphorically to the Lady and Lord. In the prsence of all the Lord proclaimed Legolas heir apparent to the throne. Thus, when the Lord and Lady passed over across the Sea, Legolas ruled in their stead, justly and wisely, over the dwindling population. The Sue's body was found to have magically dissolved, but the Galadhrim sowed salt over the place where she fell, and no plant grew there for many and many an age.
ALL: ::applaud::
As they kept kissing, the kiss itself intensified,
Gimli: Until it was so intense sparks flew out, and electricity was first invented in Middle-Earth.
and they sank to the forest floor.
ESM: Ocean floor. Beneath the kelp forests. And the water pressure annihilated them.
When the kiss ended, the two lay there in each others arms peacefully, and they eventually fell asleep,
Elrohir: Has she had the birds and the bees talk, yet, do you think?
Gimli: Thirteen H's. Nineteen !'s. Eleven O's
ESM: Hey! 11O, O11...Ocean's Eleven!
OTHERS: .....
ESM: Maybe it's bi.
ESM: Playskool, maybe. You disgrace even the incompetent U.S. educational system!
It took the Fellowship two days, which consisted of mostly running,
Gimli: Care to add the o'clock, glorwen?
Legolas: And we didn't walk silently.
ESM: ::in disgust:: Retarded movie-verse.
Elladan: (Pippin) BABYSIT!!!
ESM: (Merry) My candycane looks like a pencil.
ESM: (Sam) No it doesn't, it looks like a candy cane.
ESM: (Merry) It does not! It looks like a pencil!
ESM: (Sam) But Mr. Merry! How can something look like anything but what it is?
ESM: (Merry) Enough! What can a gardener know of these bilingual issues?
ESM: (Sam) I think you were looking for "metaphysical", not bilingual.
ESM: (Merry) I wasn't looking for anything!
ESM: (Sam) What is a pencil, anyway?
ESM: (Merry) Uhm....You have me there, Gamgee.
Elrohir: I knew it. You DO have MPD, Essie.
ESM: (Nienna) Is it made of chocolate?
Gimli: ::glowers::
Legolas: (Haldir) Ohhh, it was a DEAD hawk, and you just found it lying on the road. That makes infinitely more sense.
Elladan: (Frodo) Except a really bad haircut and an assumed accent.
ESM: (Legolas(!!)) Yeah, Haldir. Where do you think you're from, the forest? *I* am from the forest. I know the accents. Here, let me teach you on the way. Look out for that tree. Hey, there's alot of trees here. It's kinda like the wood back home, only...not...quite...as...Mirky...
Legolas: ::frowning:: What are you talking about, Essie?
ESM: ::confused:: Eh?
Elladan: (Haldir) I didn't say that. I said your....nevermind.
ESM: That was going to get dirty, wasn't it?
Elladan: Never!
ESM: ::accusingly:: That's only because you saw me with the duct tape.
Legolas: ::shuddering:: Humans are just perverted.
Legolas: You messed up the song.
ESM: I know. Whatever.
Legolas: Whatever.
Elladan: Being the spawn of hell, and no Elf at all.
Gimli: Slay the spy!
Legolas: Whoa! Gimli! My ears...are...holy Eru, I can't hear myself talk!
Elrohir: Are you sure you're talking?
Gimli: Don't worry. Count to five. It'll be all right.
Elrohir: No, but they had stuffed elephants.
ESM: You had blow-dryers?
Elladan: Yeah. Sure. Why not?
Gimli: ::stroking his beard:: Is everyone developing Essie-itis?
Gimli: Hmm. If I was Larien I would have said "you are beautiful" to the circlet.
ESM: Oh, yeah, maybe that's what she was addressing.
Elrohir: And also because she was going home to have some cream of broccoli soup.
Gimli: (Nienna) Yessir.
Legolas: (Celeborn) Good job.
Elrohir: They're orange trees.
Elladan: Huh. They look green to me!
ESM: Dumb blondes.
Elrohir: We're not blonde!
Elladan: Stop invoking stereotypes!
ESM: ...Fine. Maybe you're just dumb.
ESM: (Legolas) Gollum! gollum!
ELVES: ::jump::
Elrohir: ::suspiciously:: You're AWFULLY good at that, Essie.
ESM: Yeah.
ESM: Spellbinding, Dan. Wonderful.
Elladan: Thank you.
ESM: I especially liked the part about the penguins.
Elladan: ...The what? There were no penguins!
ESM: ::confused:: Oh, are you sure? I could have sworn the penguins were the ones who saved the pearl from its watery coffin that midsummer night...
OTHERS: The heck?
Elladan: I quit.
ESM: How romantic!
ESM: ::singing:: I almost got drunk at school at fourteen!
Legolas: You did?
Gimli: That's shouldn't surprise you. She's always drunk.
Legolas: Oh, I asn't surprised at the intemperance. I just didn't realize she was already fourteen.
ESM: :: coldly:: Actually, I'm a little past fourteen.
Elladan: That's all right, Essie. We know you're a late bloomer. We'll wait patiently.